Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Jim Carrey Stars as Obnoxious Goof

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a change of pace, actor Jim Carrey will portray a loud, pushy jerk in his latest film, Idiot Man. "Jim felt a need to branch out," said Carrey spokesperson Dana Vibiana. "This film will really stretch his range." The story of an incompetent foul-up who finds himself responsible for raising triplets as well as saving the environment from an evil corporation, Carrey's latest vehicle begins principle photography next month. "Jim's throwing himself into the part," added Vibiana. "He's been studying real goofs on YouTube and in California state government." 

Monday, December 29, 2008

Iran Plans Happy New Year Mass Hanging

TEHRAN, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN - In a follow-up to his Christmas speech that saw eight people hung, President Mahmoud Ahmadinajab announced a New Year's Day talk that will see ten more people executed. President Ahmadinajab's speech will focus on wishing the west a happy new year plus his 2009 resolutions that include vaporizing Israel and hanging people. "I'm ordering more cranes," said an excited Ahmadinajab in a telephone interview. "I can't wait to watch sinners doing the mid-air two-step." The latest ten people to be hung include a gay man, a man who wore a propeller turban to a party, and three woman caught reading O.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Wal-Mart Offers Pre-Trampled Employee

BABYLON, LONG ISLAND - Wal-Mart announced they have trampled an employee to death prior to opening for post-Christmas sales. "We didn't want shoppers bursting in and killing someone, then getting delayed by investigations and crime scene tape," said Wal-Mart spokesperson Gail Angeletta. Chosen via in-store lottery, the employee, whose name was not released, was pre-killed by tramps who were paid in cartons of stew. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Minute Gift Ideas

(INI thanks Dutch at PODM for these thoughtful holiday suggestions.)

Motor Oil: Everyone has a car and the lines are short at auto supply stores this time of year. A colorfully wrapped case of 10w 40 has a pleasing heft and you can’t beat the look on mom's face when she unwraps it.

Live Bait: Let's face it, everyone loves to fish on Christmas Day: just ask Scott Peterson. Again, short lines are appealing and it’s convenient for friends that live near a pier. Make sure it’s thoroughly iced. Water proof wrapping is recommended for this sure fire holiday pleaser. 

Fire Arms: Hand guns preferred, but long arms will do. Don’t bother wrapping, just put it in a brown paper bag and pass it to your friend outside a convenience store and see what happens. It’s an ATM card that never runs out of cash, as long as you don't run out of nerve or ammo.

Linesman Spikes: Ever want to see the view from the top of a telephone pole? No problem, just don’t touch the high voltage.

Fire Extinguishers: These abundant, free and handy devices are available in public buildings, hospitals and schools; anywhere liability insurance and local regulation require them. Slip one under the coat after midnight mass and you’ve got something for that forgotten somebody on your list. They are especially appreciated under trees when the cheap, Chinese manufactured, string lights arc and the evergreen torches in a festive holiday conflagration.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Karaoke Singer On Key

HARRISBURG, PA - At a company Christmas party, 43-year-old Jerry D'Amato stunned co-workers by drinking heavily then singing karaoke on key and in tune. "We almost died," said Sharon Adelmen, age 29, who works with D'Amato at Jamieson Brothers Furniture Factory. "Someone had a bottle at work, so we were half-bagged before we even left. Once we got to the club [Sing Out Karaoke Bar], we ordered Rolling Rock short drafts with bourbon kickers. Everyone was sloppy drunk." D'Amato wowed the crowd with an 80s medley, starting with A-ha's "Take on Me," transitioning smoothly to "Mr Roboto" by Styx, and finishing strong with Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Adelman added, "Then he hit on me - gross. But other than that, Jerry really cracked out some tunes. Loud and good. You don't hear that a lot in karaoke."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Anti 8 Protesters Disrupt Temple of Dagon

ROWLEY, MA - Activists angered over California's Prop 8, crashed a ceremony of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. "We had a bunch of Jello shots, then figured we'd mess with some Mormons," said surviving activist Perry Stater. "So we drove over to Innsmouth and charged into the first thing that looked like a Mormon temple." Stater gazed out the window from his bed in the Rowley Insane Asylum. "Then things got weird." Along with four other activists, Stater entered the Order's building during a Saturday night service. A non-traditional faith, the Esoteric Order worships a Philistine fish god named Dagon. Interrupting the congregation's chants, the activists rushed around a seaweed-covered, red-stained alter. "The place smelled like rotten sushi," recalled Stater. "And torches burned on the walls, you know, like a Goth club? Suddenly all these squat, fish-frog monsters scuttled out of a hole near the alter and grabbed the others, dragging them into the darkness. I ran outside screaming like a crazy person and passed out. When I came to, I found myself strapped into a bed with my hair turned white - which I'm totally cool with." Police investigated the temple, interviewing High Priest Obed Marsh, but a search revealed no sign of the missing activists. "In dreams, I saw what happened," said Stater. "They were sacrificed by the Deep Ones, who live in the sea off Innsmouth. They'll come for me soon. I wish we'd picked on Methodists."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fatwa Issued Against the Mambo

TEHRAN, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN - A spokesperson for Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced the issuing of a legal pronouncement calling for the death of the mambo. "A most vile and blasphemous dance," said the spokesman, a small, creepy man with thick glasses and a beard. Sunni Islamic scholar Muhammod Sayid Al-Aleck stated that no sequence of dance steps has ever been singled out for destruction. "An interesting fatwa," mused Al-Aleck. "We're clearly dealing with a first here." What caused the leader of Iran to turn against an up-tempo Afro-Cuban dance? Al-Aleck reported unconfirmed rumors that the Supreme Leader's regular Al Jazeera satellite feed somehow intercepted a version of "Mambo No. 5." "They say the Ayatollah was shuffling across the floor yelling, 'Hey!' I think it shook him."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Eco-Cool Gifts for a Green Christmas

SEATTLE, WA - All around the country, shoppers are remembering Mother Earth this holiday season. Eco-sensitive gifts show you care about the planet as well as giving old Mom E. a much-needed break. Take your pick from these cost-effective green goodies.
1. Turf - The basic black of environmentalism. One night with a spade on a putting green and you'll have an armful of fun turf squares. (They make great stockingstuffers.)
2. Spiders and Tinsel - Cutting edge eco-deco (environmental gift that doubles as a decoration.) A Gatorade jar full of web-spinning spiders will quickly turn any interior merry and white. Drape the tinsel over the durable webs for a fast and easy winter wonderland.
3. Road Kill - An awesome gift for kids studying biology. See children's' grades soar as they name the organs, learning anatomy the natural way, just like Native Americans.
4. Highway Surprise - A shoe box full of items found along the interstate tells the recipient that you are sustainable-world serious. In addition, that special someone can recycle any bottles and cans as well as add that half-eaten fast food to the composter.
5. Biological Entity - Big bio labs are a treasure trove of unique, one-of-a-kind pets. These beasts are usually shot or poisoned then thrown into land fills. For the cost of driving over to the lab, you can fill your child's eyes with astonishment by giving him a rat with a replacement ear growing out its back. Kids can lavish love and learn responsibility as they care for two-headed pigs, hamsters the size of truck tires, and monkeys with human faces that scream like women.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ted Schools Caroline in Scandal

ALBANY, N.Y. - Should Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg accept New York's open Democratic senate seat she should heed her Uncle. Senator Ted Kennedy has announced he'll instruct his niece in the finer points of scandal management. "Who better?" said Kennedy family spokesperson Roger Ashford. "Ted Kennedy literally walked away from manslaughter. He's drunk and womanized more than the crew of the U.S.S. Nimitz and nothing sticks. The man is encased in Lucite." What advice might the Massachusetts senator offer? "Caroline should remember that, as a Kennedy, it's almost impossible to screw up. Lord knows her uncle gave it his best. Just don't succeed."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Joe Biden Placed in Bubble Wrap

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice-president elect Joe Biden has been encased in bubble wrap prior to the inauguration. "We're going to be moving him to the vice president's mansion right after Obama's acceptance speech," said Biden spokesperson Lawerence Nelson, "and we'd hate to see him chipped or cracked more than he already is."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Soderbergh Plans Pol Pot Biopic

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Still in the midst of promoting Che, busy director Steven Soderbergh already has his next project percolating: a film on Pol Pot. Reported dead in 1997, the communist leader is best known for slaughtering almost two million people during his 1975 to 1979 reign over Cambodia. And that's what bothers Soderbergh. "Sure, he was a hard ass, but he didn't kill people all the time. I want to explore the less political areas of his life. What were his favorite foods? What made him laugh? Did he love?" Soderbergh plans a twelve-hour epic focusing on the dictator's early years and based on Pot's hand-written notes found inside a human skull. "Think Water Buffalo Diaries," quipped Soderbergh. "Only longer and more sentimental."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Winter Storm Eludes Watchers

VENTURA, CA - A winter storm system escaped detection, dumping several inches of rain on this coastal California city. "We were watching all night," said National Weather Service spokesperson Amanda Wynn. "Radar had the storm spotted, but it slipped past us. We think it went inland, then doubled back west, traveling low to avoid radar." And if the storm had been continuously tracked? "Same amount of rain," said Wynn, "but we would've felt better. It's embarrassing to lose something that huge. Maybe we could shoot tracking darts into storms like they do with bears? Then we could follow the system by helicopter. I don't know. I'm just spit-balling."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Chinese Lobby for Olympic Monk Beating

BEIJING, PRC - The Chinese Olympic Committee has petitioned to add "Tibetan monk beating" to the 2012 games. In a letter to the International Olympic Rules Committee, the Chinese argued, "It [monk beating] has all the elements of a sport: running, jumping, kicking and swinging." Chinese spokesman Wen Ma joked, "We could train up a team from our police. Right now, those weaklings are winded after only a few beatings." So far, there's been no word from the Rules Committee. Ma stated the People's Republic of China would be willing to ship Tibetan monks to other nations for practice. "We get them 24/7," he said. "And if we run out, there's always Falun Gong. But they're a lot easier to hit."

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Napkin List: Best Waiter Screenplays of 2008

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Every year entertainment executives and agents compile the best screenplays handed to them by restaurant employees. The top five vote-getters become the Napkin List. This year's selection was an eclectic mix of romance and edgy drama. Will any see the screen in 2009? Keep an eye on the box office.

Conspiracy to Love by Liz Flooby
A bright ten-year-old girl schemes to marry her paranoid grandfather to the elderly woman next door. She succeeds, but the wedding is marred when an Illuminati task force arrives and imprisons everyone in a camp run by Masons.

2. Lost Nights
by Andrew David Brickwillow
Alienation and hostility consume a man lost for nine years who returns home only to learn his wife is now lost while his children are occasionally misplaced. A sympathetic social worker helps him accept reality, but then goes missing.

3. Kickin' It with Harry
by Justin Silverbun
A poignant, heart-warming story about second chances as a small time snake handler and his 19-foot rock python hitch across country to the snake-handling nationals, hoping to rebound from squandered opportunities and a swallowed telemarketer.

Code of the Matador by Toffa Manatee
On a day trip to Tijuana, a young couple become involved in an international conspiracy centered around evidence hidden in a velvet painting of a bull fighter.

Heeber's Back by Brian Kiln and Scott Nimbler
Tough hunchback Kick Heeber is reinstated on the police force and must confront his own bigotry and disgust if he hopes to learn who is killing the city's midgets.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Bumper Sticker Message Stops Terrorists

MUMBAI, INDIA - Another tourist massacre was averted when four militant gunmen observed a "Coexist" bumper sticker. "We were outside the ITC Grand Central Hotel," said gunman Nasir Syed. "We were about to fire into a crowd for the glory of Allah when a vehicle drove up with a thoughtful message." Syed was referring to the popular "Coexist" bumper sticker that forms letters using peace, Taoist, gender and religious symbols. He continued: "'How very clever,' I thought. Note how diverse symbols create a single word telling us we are all linked." Syed and the other gunmen lowered their weapons. "We were shamed by this simple, common sense message." Indian commandos arrived, but refrained from arresting Syed and his companions after they'd heard the story. "The commandos and I have formed an inter-faith study group," chuckled Syed. "We meet over coffee and discuss the many ways in which we are all bound together on this big blue planet. Also, they have cool guns which they let me shoot."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Keith Richards Cast as Freddy Krueger

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has agreed to play Freddy Krueger in the newest film installment of A Nightmare on Elm Street. The latest version of the popular slasher series has psycho Freddy slicing his way aboard a cruise ship full of teenage girls in their underwear. Dream Boat Freddy casting agent Jon Macklin stated the 64-year-old Richards was a natural choice for two reasons: "He had his own hat and he won't need make-up." Actor Robert Englund, who portrayed Krueger in the first eight films, was unavailable for the role because he'll be playing rhythm guitar with the Rolling Stones.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Unabomber to Head EPA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joining a star-studded cabinet, Dr. Theodore Kaczynski has been chosen to head up the Environmental Protection Agency. Educated at Harvard, with a PhD from the University of Michigan, Dr. Kaczynski taught mathematics at the University of California, Berkeley before voluntarily lowering his carbon footprint. "Ted walked the green walk," said president-elect Obama, shortly after phoning Dr. Kaczynski at his home in the Florence, Colorado Maximum Security Facility. "For years he lived in an unheated cabin without running water, making things with his hands. I'd like to see more Americans emulate that kind of sustainable use." Serving life in prison for aggressive vandalism, Dr. Kaczynski will run the EPA via type-written manifestos published in the New York Times and the Washington Post.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Illinois Job Gift Certificates a Holiday Hit

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Christmas shoppers can give the rarest of gifts in tough economic times - a job. Specifically, a government job in Illinois. Thanks to Democratic Governor Ron Blagojevich, consumers can purchase the Land of Lincoln Employment Gift Certificate and surprise their loved ones with a U.S. senate seat, or jobs on state boards, commissions or with the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). "This is just awesome," said Mindy Gambon. "My brother was laid off from Peet's Coffee, but now he'll be in charge of the DuPage County Road Commission." Denny Petrella had a similar story: "A few years back, my dad was electrocuted and hasn't been able to work. But my family chipped in and bought Barack Obama's U.S. senate seat. Dad'll like being a senator. He'll just have to go to the bathroom a lot." Despite being arrested on corruption charges, Governor Blagojevich urged shoppers to have faith, "This is a season of giving. Illinois government jobs are for the taking. Let's couple generosity with availability and have ourselves a merry little Christmas."

Russian Patriarch to Crown Car Czar

MOSCOW, RUSSIAN FEDERATION - The State Department announced that a new U.S. car czar must first be crowned by the Orthodox Church Patriarch. "It's a way of making nice with the Russians," said State Department spokesperson Kris Hill. "We borrowed their word, so we let them crown the new czar." When asked his opinion, the Patriarch replied through an interpreter, "[The car czar] will rein through the mercy of Almighty God. He will be Holy Czar of All Cars and Supreme Ruler of Detroit." In addition to managing the bailout oversight board, the car czar will have the power to flog lazy workers, behead executives, and exile union bosses to Saginaw. "We're thinking he won't use those powers," said Hill. "It could make things tense real fast."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Newly Discovered Dinosaurs Were Cowards

BAMAKO, MALI - Swedish scientists digging near the Niger River have uncovered a new species of Jurassic dinosaur that appeared to have been terrible-looking but weak. "They were enormous animals with great fangs, spiked tails, huge claws, and sharp horns," said paleontologist Gert Lomborg. "But fossil evidence indicates they preferred feeding on very small prey, which they attacked from ambush in overwhelming numbers." Preliminary findings also indicate that during mating season, the creatures stood around quietly, hoping to be picked. Lomborg noted that bone damage showed many of the animals died in stampedes, probably induced by panic attacks. For now, the species remains unnamed. Lomborg said, "My assistant enjoys American rap music. So we're calling the animal 'Punk-ass-girlyboy-saurus' until we think of something shorter."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Pro Wrestling Hires U.N. Observers

STAMFORD, CT - World Wrestling Entertainment has announced hiring a dozen former United Nations observers. In a press release, the WWE stated, "Because of their history of seeing nothing and doing nothing in the face of provocation and aggression, we feel these observers will make excellent referees in the sport of professional wrestling." The United Nations withheld comment, pending the report of a panel convened to study the press release.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Hugo Chavez to Host Academy Awards

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has tapped Hugo Chavez to host the 2009 Oscars on ABC. Chosen over Whoopi Goldberg, the 54-year-old Venezuelan president is proving more demanding than the most spoiled diva. "He's a handful," said Academy spokesperson Anne Leupold. "We have to change the name of the Kodak Theatre to "Palace of the Revolution." Also he wants the show's director replaced by his brother Anibal, who owns a bank. That won't sit well with the Director's Guild." Other Chavez demands include no-bid vending contracts awarded to his other four brothers and the right to beat and imprison critical entertainment reporters. In addition, Chavez has petitioned the Academy to change its rules and appoint him Academy Awards Show host-for-life. "Some people feel he's a pushy, power-hungry megalomaniac," said Leupold. "But in Hollywood, that isn't really a drawback."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Giant Fans Fight Global Warming

WASHINGTON, D.C. - New House Energy and Commerce Committee chairman Henry Waxman has announced January hearings to push for passage of The Giant Fan Act ( H.R. 9151). Waxman called it a "common sense solution to the problem of carbon emissions." He explained: "H.R. 9151 would divert oil tax revenue to alternative energy sources such as giant fans. These fans would produce powerful winds that would drive giant windmills, modeled after those in Holland. These windmills, in turn, would create more wind that could be channeled into generators that would power great boilers that would produce clean, steam energy for our children. But only for our children. Adults as well any foreign children would have a separate energy plan."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Gabby Man at Car Wash Says Economy to Improve

ZANESVILLE, OHIO - Don't mention "recession" to Jimmy Dutton. The 41-year-old cashier at the Drip 'n Drive Car Wash gave an earful to customer Linda Sweeney for knocking the economy. "I said things were tight money-wise because of the recession," recalled Sweeney. "Then Dutton starts blabbing and wouldn't shut up. I had the kids, and they're a handful, and he keeps yakking about how Obama would fix up the economy, and pay his mortgage, and buy his dog a squeezie toy, and then the guy cleaning my Accord broke off a wiper blade." When asked to comment, incoming Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner remarked, "I'm sure Mr. Dutton means well. But just to be clear: we're not giving money to anyone for squeezie dog toys. Not initially."

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Zimbabwe Surges Ahead in Hell Hole Cup

HARARE, ZIMBABWE - In a stunning late move, Zimbabwe has edged powerful North Korea for first place in the 2008 Hell Hole Cup. Awarded each year to the nation that best embodies the phrase "stinking, squalid hell hole," Zimbabwe seemed destined for another mid-pack finish when cholera struck, made worse by a horrid medical system. "Everyone loves an underdog," said Cup handicapper Dale McGuinness, who added, "Extreme poverty, incompetence and oppression might land you top ten, but never the big prize. Look at Algeria. You need that little something extra. And this cholera, along with pro-level corruption and hyperinflation, has shot Zimbabwe into the top slot." McGuinness noted North Korea wasn't about to fade. "They've been there before. Stalinism, nuclear weapons, and a psycho dictator are proven winners. But with only three weeks left in 2008, Zimbabwe's got the cup - unless the rest of North Korea finally starves to death. That would be tough to beat."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thai Violence Quelled by Yul Bryner Look-Alike

BANGKOK, THAILAND - Bloodshed was averted between demonstrators when a man looking exactly like late actor Yul Bryner calmed the crowd by singing "Whistle a Happy Tune." "His garments were very kingly and he acted in a regal manner," said one demonstrator. "Also the song was quite pleasant and made everyone smile." The man, actor Howard Nelson, age 42, from North Hollywood, CA, had been hired by the Thailand government because of his uncanny resemblance to Yul Bryner, who passed away in 1985. Bryner is best remembered for his role as the Thai monarch in the 1956 film, The King and I. "Mr. Nelson prevented much trouble," said government spokesperson Ananda Supawong. "That is because the Thai people love their king. They also love people who portray Thai kings, as well as kingly people in general."