Friday, February 27, 2009
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Stop by Hammacher Schlemmer on E. 57th and discover what new item has media members abuzz: the Obama Buttocks Pillow. Taken from an artist's design, the "O-Butts," as they're called, conform precisely to the shape of President Barack Obama's ass. According to store manager Martin Terpaine, they can't keep them in stock. "Everybody wants one, but they are especially popular with the news media. Katie Couric buys them by the gross." O-Butts are bifurcated and come in goose down, medium density pillows, and King pillows with moisturizing aloe. Said Terpaine, "Charles Gibson wanted one with human hair. But we said 'no.' That would be sick."
Thursday, February 26, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - An attorney for the Wolfman filed suit in federal court against actor Joaquin Phoenix for emotional distress and copyright infringement. "My client is famous for a bushy appearance," said attorney Gibson Butler. "He has no control over this look once the full moon has risen and the wolf bane blooms. Mr. Phoenix, on the other hand, has grooming options." In addition, Butler felt Phoenix' recent appearance on the David Letterman Show had damaged the Wolfman's self-esteem. "People mistake my client for Mr. Phoenix and ask him if he's high. And while my client then rips out their throats and drinks their still-warm blood, his feelings have been devalued. This must stop."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - After sporting white ribbons in honor of gay marriage, the Motion Picture Academy has announced that 2010 Academy Award attendees will have the option of wearing full-sized blue ribbons, commemorating County Fair Awareness. According to academy spokesperson Darci North, "We ordered taupe ribbons, standing for universal fairness and tolerance. But somehow the ribbon company misunderstood and delivered thousands of blue ribbons commemorating first prize in a pie-eating contest. Given the cost and the economy, we decided to keep the ribbons, come up with a cause, and offer them to members next season." North was philosophical over the mix-up, "When you think of it, a lot of Hollywood people eat like hogs and need to be hosed down afterwards, so I guess it's Okay."
Monday, February 23, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Following an Oscar acceptance speech filled with snarky herctoring, actor Sean Penn sustained a broken right arm. "It happened backstage," said Penn spokesperson Andy Hale-Darden. "Sean's right arm reached over his left shoulder and he began patting himself on the back, harder and harder until we heard this wet crack. I almost hurled my Luna Bar." Penn had to be restrained by medical personal from using his left arm to pat himself on his right shoulder. "Good move by the paramedics," said Hale-Darden. "Sean is so proud of the political courage it took for him to stand before all Hollywood and proclaim left-wing, pro-gay views, that I'm sure he would've broken a second arm." Until the bone knits, Penn will be forced to use a manikin hand attached to a broom handle to congratulate himself. "He borrowed the hand from Chris Matthews," added Hale-Darden, "who likes to pretend it belongs to Obama. Let's just say Chris doesn't pat himself on the back."
Sunday, February 22, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In an email to Paris, director Roman Polanski learned he'd been honored with the Motion Picture Academy's Lifetime Sodomy Award. A juried prize, the award honors actors, writers, producers, and directors who have drugged and sodomized a 13-year-old, then fled sentencing to another country. "Roman won in a landslide," said Academy spokesperson Darci North. "In fact, the only other vote-getter was an actor who sodomized a 13-year-old Howler monkey, then fled to Riverside County. But he was caught by the cops hiding on top of a water tower." North was pensive for a moment. "He really shouldn't have been included in this category."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Clinton first pet Socks the Cat was found dead near a cannon in Ft. Marcy Park. Diagnosed with cancer, owner Betty Currie reported the black and white cat had been depressed lately. Park Police reported the cause of death as an M-80 stuffed up the rectal opening. Currie later discovered a suicide note in poor English underneath Sock's water dish, blaming the cat's depression on House Republicans failure to support the stimulus package. Burial services are set for next week with Buddy the dog and Joe Biden slated to attend.
Friday, February 20, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Austrian officials have closed their embassy and returned to Vienna following a gaffe by President Obama in which he declared war on that central European nation. "The president was lecturing on the economy, talking about 'eradicating austerity,'" said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. "Well, there was a teleprompter typo and he read 'eradicate Austria.' When he tried to correct the error, he started stuttering and couldn't stop for six minutes. I think he lost the audience." As the State Department attempts to mediate the crisis, sources in Vienna reported the Austrian army had called up over 90 men and stationed its tank at a likely border crossing.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
PARIS, FRANCE - Members of a secret global society bent on One World government were delighted to learn they hadn't been forgotten by President Obama's stimulus package. "We're getting billions, no strings attached," said Illuminati spokesperson Pierre de Rothschild. "Which is disappointing, for when you're a puppet master, you become quite enchanted by strings." Rothschild stated the money would probably be spent manufacturing more Illuminati-designed crisis such as 9/11. "There are many jobs created by the deceptive, catastrophic attack industry, or DCAI. But most of them are temporary in nature, such as suicide pilot. On the other hand, a good accountant always works."
(Footage: You Tube)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hollywood, CA - Major studios have been negotiating with Palestine's Al-Aqsa TV for the film rights to Tomorrow's Pioneers. Hosted by 11-year-old Saraa Barhoum, the Hamas program features kid call-ins, religious advice, and exhortations to kill Jews from several costumed co-hosts who, in turn, are killed by the Jews. "It's the whole cycle of violence thing. We really want to run with it as a feature," said MGM spokesperson Abbie Gainor. Costumed characters include Farfour the Mouse, beaten to death during an Israeli interrogation; Nahoul the Bee, who died from an unspecified illness because Israel blocked medical aid; and Nahoul's brother Assud the Jew-Eating Rabbit who perished from wounds inflicted by an Israeli bombing raid. The show's new co-host, Nassur the Bear, has already announced he'll be joining a martyr brigade. "Story gold," said Gainor. "A whole family of giant costumed characters die for their faith. Are their giant costumed friends proud? Sad? Confused? You see the complications." Paramount and Sony are also in the hunt for "Pioneers," with Sony rumored to be leading after offering cash upfront, back-end participation, and nine crates of plastic explosives and a truck of roofing nails.
(Video: You Tube)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Contained within the thousand-page stimulus package are seventy-nine new federal holidays as well as numerous months, weeks, and days commemorating previously unnoticed people and events. "The additional holidays are vital," said government employees' union spokesperson Abe Stoddard. "With the expansion of government benefits, our workers are going to be worn out helping the American people." The new federal holidays will include large chunks of July and August as well as many Fridays and Mondays. In addition, March has been designated Yap-American History Month, the fourth week in May will now be Pornographic Film Appreciation Week, while the month of September has been set aside as Golf Course Safety Month." Golf Course Safety is vital to the security of all Americans," said Stoddard. "People can step on rakes, twist their ankles in sand traps, get sunburn on the fairways. The public should be grateful that federal employees are willing to man up, get out on a tee and lead by example."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Chicago Public School CEO Arne Duncan brought his pet philosophy from the Windy City to Foggy Bottom as he assumed the job of Secretary of Education. "'Spare the child, spoil the rod,' that's what Arne always said," remarked administrative assistant Velda Ruiz, who followed her old boss to Washington. "Back in Chicago we had 568 verified cases of teachers hitting kids, choking 'em, you know, straightening 'em out. Only 24 got fired under Arne. And those were the weaklings; the ones who'd tap a kid with a broom handle like a fairy with a wand. Arne weeded out the pus arms." With "No Child Left Behind Unbeaten," Duncan hopes to nationalize the Chicago practice of punching knowledge into young minds. "It's faster," said Ruiz. "'Give a man a fish and you feed him for one night. Beat a man witless with a softball bat and you teach him to stop mooching fish.' Something like that."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner unveiled the Obama administrations financial bailout plan involving direct capital injections, buying troubled assets and a toaster giveaway. "We're offering banks the Proctor-Silex 2 Slice Smart Toaster," stated Geithner. "It'll heat up English muffins in no time, and I really like those." After hearing the administration's plan, the market plunged almost 400 points. However Geithner remained confident. "Without giving away details, we're also prepared to offer the Oster 4 slice Long Slot. Try saying 'no' to that!"
Monday, February 9, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama thumped his head against the side of Marine One today, dislodging insulation and sending a rivet flying across the interior, narrowly missing an aide. "The president's head has grown considerably since he took office," said White House spokesperson Adrian Flanagan. "Frankly, I'm a little afraid." Because of size and mass issues, doorways throughout the White House and in many government bureaus and departments have been enlarged to accommodate the president. "Marine One was due to be retrofitted with the larger Obama doors," said Flanagan. "But we had to refit the Oval Office first after his head got wedged in the rest room. Luckily, with the heat cranked up, we waited until he started sweating, then pried him out. I sure hope he quits watching MSNBC."
(Footage: You Tube)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
GAZA STRIP - Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity have reconstructed a Hamas ammunition bunker, destroyed by Israeli forces in recent fighting. "A few sandbags, some reinforced concrete and it's good as new," bragged the former U.S. president. Carter plans rebuilding mortar pits and machine gun emplacements throughout the Gaza Strip as part of Habitat's Global Village Program. "We're working alongside the host community to construct fortifications and fighting positions that mirror the regions' traditional architecture." Carter hopes to later tackle the supply tunnels between Egypt and Gaza. "They're crying out for basic illumination," said Carter. "A few goose-neck lamps would give those tunnels a homey feel and make hauling 122mm rockets a much more life-affirming task."
Thursday, February 5, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama has placed an add for cabinet members and White House staff on Monster.com. According to an anonymous White House spokesperson, "Clearly, this move shows the strength of the Obama administration, thinking outside-the-box in smart, techno-savvy, creative ways." All new government positions posted on the popular employment website list some executive experience as a plus. However, the primary criteria is not being a tax cheat. "We're open to diverse backgrounds and work histories," stated the spokesperson. "Currently, we're interviewing a man who makes flutes for the position of Health and Human Services. And he uses H&R Block, so that covers the whole tax thing. Anyway, he's looking like a keeper."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - First defended, then described as an "error," by President Obama, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination as health secretary, joining a large crowd under the bus. Groused the former senate leader, "I was just getting comfortable under the oil pan when Nancy Kilifer comes flying in and knocks me loose." Rejected for not paying taxes on his chauffeur, Daschle has found room near the rear axle, but must cope with Bill Richardson's foot near his face. A peevish Daschle remarked, "I guess washing your feet hasn't caught on in New Mexico."
Sunday, February 1, 2009
TRIPOLI, LIBYA - Under new executive orders issued by President Obama, the CIA may still transfer prisoners to other countries, but now must issue each one a farewell fruit basket. Administration spokesperson Phillip Antoine stated, "This order will show terrorists, as well as the rest of the world, that America harbors no hard feelings." Terrorist suspects facing torture in Third World countries may choose between Harvest Surprise or Orchard Bounty fruit baskets, wrapped in colorful ribbons. Antoine stated that Mrs. Fields was considered, but rejected. "Too much sugar in those cookies. It could pose a health risk."