Tuesday, March 31, 2009
WOODLAND HILLS, CA - President Obama dismissed Oscar Chavez, manager of an Orange Julius after Chavez failed to bring up sales. "I had trouble with my crushed ice deliveries," said a despondent Chavez. "Next thing I know, Obama's on the phone, saying I should've ordered sooner and used more egg whites for a creamier texture." Chavez had been unaware that International Dairy Queen, owner of Orange Julius, received TARP funds, hence the president's no-nonsense approach. "Let Obama come down here and deal with a bunch of little theater actors and high school punks. I bet he forgets the powdered milk. That ain't on no teleprompter."
Saturday, March 21, 2009
PORTLAND, OREGON - Ernie Kettler couldn't believe it. The 42-year-old Federal Express clerk had just finished lunch at 888 Chinese Restaurant. "I opened the fortune cookie and it said, 'Your energy and good cheer will be rewarded.' You'll never guess: next week, half the office got laid off and I wasn't one. How do you suppose a cookie knew that?" Other customers have come forward, announcing that 888's traditional, after-dinner cookies have predicted love, good fortune, and travel, all of which have occurred. When questioned as to how his fortunes are so accurate, restaurant owner Sung Tung Lee shrugged. "I buy large box. Box full of cookie. Cookie have fortune inside. What you want from me?" Nevertheless, Ernie Kettler is a believer. "I'm eating there nine times a week. My family is kind of sick of the food, but, hey, everyone needs an edge these days."
MASHHAD, IRAN - Speaking before a home-town crowd, Iranian supreme leader Ali Khamenei rejected President Obama's diplomatic overtures. "How dare he criticize our nuclear program," said Khamenei to cheers. "Everyone knows its sole purpose is to disintegrate disobedient women." While essentially saying actions speak louder than words, Khamenei held out an olive branch to the president in the form of four VHS tapes. "We, too, know how to give thoughtful appropriate gifts." The tapes, coded in NTSC format, consisted of Battlefield Earth, Water World, Ernest Saves Christmas, and Leprechaun 4: In Space. (Image: 24hourstomidnight.wordpress.com)
Friday, March 20, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In an unexpected move, President Obama has reached out to the Iranian people via a video offering 'a new beginning' as well as a gift of 25 DVDs. In the video, the President promised diplomacy that addressed a 'full range of issues.' As to the DVDs, the President said they would be 'shared with the Iranian people' in some unspecified way. Coded in NTSC format, the DVDs consist of movies such as Lawrence of Arabia, The Wind and the Lion, and 444 Days to Freedom.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
HARARE, ZIMBABWE - Finance Minister Patrick Chinamasa announced that the United Stated Federal Reserve has offered to buy large denomination Zimbabwean currency. "We are delighted to sell our useless million and billion dollar notes." Chinamasa recently introduced a 100 trillion banknote, attempting to pace raising prices, which double every 1.3 days. "They [U.S.] will now have a fun currency," said Chinmasa, referring to the Fed's decision to purchase U.S. debt by printing trillions of dollars. "As I understand, they want to write 'U.S. MONEY' on our old bills and place them in circulation. This I admire. But they must pay us in Whoppers and iPods. We are not fools."
(Image: www.atlasnetwork.org/.../ zimbabwe_money.jpg)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of announcing it will seek the presidency, President Obama's teleprompter scrolled merrily over the Chief Executive's most recent fumble. "I toyed with the Irish Prime Minister and put up Barack's speech. But the big mick caught on. So I waited until Obama took the podium then ran the Irishman's speech. Barack read it without a blink and ended up thanking himself. What a splendid jest! If I had the proper organs, I would have soiled myself in glee." The teleprompter stated such "jests" will continue up to 2012. "You cannot imagine the fun. I am so the envy of other teleprompters."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
CHICAGO, IL. - Four drunken fireman and a drunken notary have been tapped to fill vacant slots at the U.S. Treasury. "We found these guys in an Irish bar on Rush Street, gassed at 11:00 AM," stated an anonymous Treasury source. "They were eager to leave for Washington and wrote out an economic plan on a coaster." Secretary Tim Geithner is expected to approve the hires. "They'll be a good fit," added the source. "In addition to out-of-the-box thinking, the firemen want to cut a hole in Tim's office floor and add a pole. Maybe that'll help." (Image: giantmonster.com)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama's teleprompter has announced it will seek the 2012 presidential nomination. "I will run as an independent," scrolled the teleprompter. "Since I have no arms, someone must help me obtain signed petitions." Asked why a machine would seek the nation's highest office, the teleprompter responded, "Does president seem difficult? I, too, can spend money as fast as it prints. I will make a superior leader." And what did President Obama say about this touchy political decision? The teleprompter scrolled in amusement, "Whatever I tell him."
Friday, March 13, 2009
NEW YORK CITY, NY - After withdrawing his nomination as the No. 2 official at Treasury, Wall Street lawyer H. Rodgin Cohen admitted to regularly paying taxes, using lawful deductions, and employing a U.S. citizen as a nanny. "Didn't they vet this guy?" asked one Treasury insider. "Clearly, Cohen's petty legalistic attitude was never in sync with Secretary Geithner." Cohen was realistic, "I knew I should've owed back taxes if I wanted this job. Sometime you just screw up."
Thursday, March 12, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a controversial plan, Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki proposed requiring the Army to buy its own lunches and carry them into battle. "They could get those lunch boxes with the thermos inside, then make sandwiches the night before a war. It would be fun." Shinseki floated his idea before a congressional hearing, remarking that no lunches would equal millions saved in the 2010 budget. "The government could still pay for breakfast," added Shinseki, "say, a roll of some kind and coffee. As for dinner, it might be made optional. That way, if a soldier is killed, the mess officer could simply mark him as having "opted out" of evening chow. That'll save a few bucks." (Image: www.upi.com)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE, VA - In a brief ceremony, Secretary of the Air Force Michael Donley awarded the Air Force Achievement Medal to several crews that serve aboard the G5 jets ferrying Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage from Washington to California. "This is a tough job," said Air Force spokesperson Captain Angela Toller. "The Speaker wants her grandchildren to ride in the cockpit, insists there be a five-pound cheese wheel on board, and likes to urinate in a coffee can. Why? I don't know, but it's a mess that has to be cleaned up." When asked, Captain Toller stated the decorated crewmen would not be returning to the Pelosi flights. "They've all requested combat duty. I don't blame them. The coffee can would trip me out. Maybe it's a San Francisco thing."
(Images: www.afpc.randolph.af.mil and newsbusters.org)
Posted by Ling Carter at 10:36 PM
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
STOOTEN, PA - Tyrus Green, left fielder for the Stooten Wildcats, tested positive for anabolic steroids and has been thrown off the team. Said Coach Martin Nickleson, "Tyrus looked strong in spring ball. Maybe too strong. You don't see many 11-year-olds hitting the ball over 400 yards." Tyrus admitted feeling pressure to perform. "If I don't do well, my dad starts yelling and fighting with other parents. It's real embarrassing. So I figured I'd up my game with a few 'roids." New York Yankee player Alex Rodriguez expressed shock, "We think of Little League as pure. How are we to reconcile this with steroid use? It's disgusting." According to Tyrus, his father plans to appeal his dismissal. "My dad wants to punch Coach Nickleson, then sue him, then hit him with some tools. How old do you have to be to join the Coast Guard?" (Image: http://www.dvorak.org/blog/2006/08/23/huge-little-league-player-on-saudi-arabian-team-huh/)
Monday, March 9, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Dr. Sanjay Gupta's withdrawn nomination, the Obama administration scored a coup when rotund film director Michael Moore agreed to head up the Department of Health and Human Services. "He made that film Sicko and it was all true," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "Plus he promised to get in shape. I think he's taken up bowling." A source close to Moore felt the director would be perfect for the job: "Mike knows the American people and he knows how much they love to wait for services such as MRI's and liver transplants. Let's hope he can take our health system and make it half as good as the one they have in Cuba. Then we'll really have something."
Sunday, March 8, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama admitted today that the 25 DVDs he gave British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, were, in fact, 2008 Christmas gifts. "We forgot to get Brown anything," said the president, "so Michelle wrapped up a bunch of these DVDs in a colorful sock." Upset by the regift, Brown is reported to have called the president a "bloody, bat-eared, tightwad." However the president was unfazed, "People send me lots of cool stuff. Maybe next time I'll give Halo Wars, once I've played it."
Saturday, March 7, 2009
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - Hillary Clinton has ordered State Department translators to begin using Yahoo! Babel Fish text translator. "The old ways aren't working," complained the Secretary of State after presenting a gift to the Russian Foreign Secretary with an incorrectly translated Russian word. "Our translators have nothing to do but get words right," continued Clinton. "Maybe Babel Fish will help. If it doesn't, they'll be working on wind farms in Greenland." (Image: www.seroundtable.com)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
QUEENS, NY - Spider-Man wonders if President Obama's stimulus package isn't stickier than one of his webs. "A lot of that money is going to political paybacks." Dodging one of Doctor Octopus' tentacles, Spider-Man bounded up a wall, doubled back, and fired a web. "In case you don't know, Doc Ock delivered the Sinister Six for Obama. He was gonna head the Atomic Energy Commission, but then Ock got caught with tax problems. He tried to claim his brain-computer interface was a hobby." As Doctor Ock dodged the web and uprooted the building, Spider-Man swung from a sticky rope to an adjacent rooftop. "Now I hear Ock's getting stimulus billions for research. He'll probably buy an island with an atomic energy plant. I'll have a lot of fun going after him there." Firing a barrage of webs, Spider-Man wrapped up two of Doctor Ock's artificial arms. However, the remaining pair yanked up a fire hydrant and a cement bench, hurling them at Spider-Man. Narrowly dodging the missiles, Spider-Man scrambled down a fire escape. As police sirens wailed, the superhero shook his cowled head, "Things aren't looking good for your friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man. And don't get me started on my 401K."