Thursday, April 30, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Media and Hollywood liberals have replaced the handshake with the more time-consuming gesture of teabagging. According to participants, this practice began last November as a way of showing post-Prop 8 solidarity with Gays. Previously unknown to the public, teabagging leaked out during media discussion of tax day demonstrations. Said NPR producer Jenn Langemark, "That's why people like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow were so tickled. They'd been teabagging for months, and suddenly these right-wingers start talking tea parties. It was way too funny." Not everyone is pleased with the new practice. Said one anonymous ABC writer: "After awhile, you stop wanting to meet people. Or go to parties, since saying 'hello' and 'good-bye' can take up to ninety minutes. I sure wish we'd found a different colored ribbon instead."
LOS ANGELES, CA - The ACLU has sued Los Angeles County over the shape of telephone poles, claiming they resemble a cross. "This is a clear violation of the separation of church and state," said ACLU attorney Meena Groat-Campington. There has been no response from the County Board of Supervisors, though insiders say the Board is traditionally "pre-surrendered" to any ACLU threat. Groat-Campington added, "To erase a hostile atmosphere, we're asking the County to reshape all the telephone poles. Nothing fancy; just make them less 'crossy.'"
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Man the cockpit of Air Force One and buzz the Big Apple, courtesy of Hotsky Game Studios and their June 18 release of Scare Force One: Chickens in the Barnyard. With a sweeping music score, realistic graphics and dynamic scenery, gamers can swoop their 747 down onto clueless New York City. Terrified figures flee screaming from office buildings, and a fast frame rate keeps the action real as you bank and turn above the streets to the realistic roar of four whining engines. Retailing for $49.99, add twenty dollars for the Pentagon expansion pack. Add another five dollars for a digital sampling of President Obama going, "Wheeeeeeee!!"
WEXBURG, ID - As official White House photographers snapped away, demolition crews blew up the Snake River Dam, sending a 30-foot wave crashing into the town of Kiley. "I understand some people died," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "We would've liked to issue a warning, but the event was classified. However, rebuilding Kiley and the dam will bring jobs to the region, so there's a bright side." Gibbs stated the photo op was designed to create an iconic presidential image. "We're going to Photo Shop Obama's face onto the huge torrent so it looks like all this water is gushing from the President's mouth. Not only will it symbolize federal spending under this administration, but it'll look like one of those Italian fountain statues. I think that's the look we're going for."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
BENNINGTON, VT - Doctors at Good Council Hospital have reported admitting several children suffering from Hugh Downs Syndrome. This affliction strikes children between the ages of three and eleven, turning hair white, increasing vocabulary, and causing kids to promote a series of miracle health cures. According to pediatric specialist Janet Parrish, "The first child was brought in last week. While being wheeled to his room, he convinced two nurses and a janitor to believe that a powerful anti-oxidant could improve their financial, personal, and physical lives." One mother sobbed, "My nine-year-old daughter said we'd been 'close personal friends for over 25 years,' then made me believe I'd never die if I took an artery-clearing supplement." Because of their rich voices and powerful persuasive arguments, children suffering Hugh Downs Syndrome are kept isolated. Said Parrish, "There's not much we can do except hope and pray. On the upside, the kids will tire of selling each other miracle health cure products and fall asleep watching Sponge Bob Squarepants. That's when we know the worst has passed."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - AP sources reported former President George W. Bush was observed in Mexico City last week carrying a vial labeled with a biohazard warning. "He wore sunglasses," said an unnamed source, "but I've seen enough giant puppet heads in demonstrations to know George Bush." According to the source, Bush was last seen sneaking the vial into a pig pen. Shortly afterwards, the swine flu outbreak began. "Draw your own conclusions." AP won't release the source's name because he told his boss he'd be at a funereal that day, instead of goofing off in Mexico City.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLA - A computer malfunction has repositioned the Hubble telescope away from an erupting star and onto a college girl's dormitory window. According to NASA spokesperson Bud Conners, "Hubble's supposed to be charting new eruptions on V383 Monocerotis, but instead is sending detailed images from some chick's bedroom at the University of Texas in Austin." Space shuttle Atlantis will replace the flawed computer during a scheduled May maintenance flight. But Conners, who discovered the targeting error, remains perplexed. "Looking at the Hubble logs, you can see this mistake happened almost a year ago. And I think it was done deliberately. But we're still checking."
Friday, April 24, 2009
LOS ANGELES, CA - Faced with budget cuts, the LA Zoo has downsized their animal population, releasing two Bengal tigers into Griffith Park. "Unfortunately, tigers eat too much, especially the pregnant one," said zoo official Cesar Sonora. "Our cost analysis revealed we could lay-off the cats, then transfer resources to the monkey house, which badly needs new Plexiglas." When asked about the danger of freeing large predators into the country's busiest park, Sonora was sympathetic, "We realize our move could inconvenience the public, but transferring the animals would have been so costly as to be fiscally irresponsible." Sonora thought briefly, then smiled, "On the upside, this could really help solve the park's homeless problem." (Photo: www.www.blisstree.com)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
GALLUP, NM - A Home Depot worker was terminated today for directing a customer to the correct aisle. "I feel bad," said manager Raul Fesca. "But Jerry knew the rules." The worker, Jerry Sorber, said he was bored. "Whenever a customer approaches, I remember my training and either walk away, get on the phone, or laugh real loud with another worker. But today I wondered what would happen if I listened to someone. Guess I found out." Fesca states that while customers are welcome, they can be a nuisance. "We can't have people distracting our staff from restocking shelves and bonding with each other. It's just not good business." (Photo: www.www.blisstree.com)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
PORTLAND, OR - A new study shows bellowing loudly at employees is the quickest way to turn a workplace green. "People 'get' negative reinforcement when it comes to the planet," said Professor Alice Horner, author of the study on behalf of Oregon's Department of Environmental Quality. Horner tested workplaces where green rules were merely posted. She then compared them to places where rules were known only to supervisory personal who couldn't be harmed in any way without severe repercussions. "When rules are just posted, workers aren't as careful. Often they'll forget elementary tasks such as printing paper on both sides, or turning off computers at night." However green compliance skyrocketed in hollering-friendly workplaces. "Say an employee offers a visitor bottled water instead of tap water. By shrieking at this employee that they're killing the Earth and everyone on it, a supervisor reinforces a lesson that won't be forgotten. In addition, the "green scream" lets everyone else know the environment is under attack and by whom." Horner admits turn-over is higher in companies with yelling, but attributes that to ignorance. "Workers should realize that ruffled feelings are a small price to pay for a healthy planet. And if they don't, they're stupid, greedy polluters." (Photo: www.istockphoto.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Environmental Protection Agency has announced The Wicker Man winner of its first annual See-Green Film Festival. Beating out such eco-classics as Silent Running and The Day After Tomorrow, the 1973 film starring Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee deals with an agricultural community struggling to maintain sustainable practices in the face of unreason brought by a reactionary stranger. Judge Kira Topaz-Wheatley stated, "We chose a delightful, eco-friendly movie that promotes green solutions and touches on beliefs close to many of us here at the EPA." She continued, "Hopefully, watching The Wicker Man together will become a family tradition. Then a community tradition. Then a law. Isn't that something worth working for?" (Photo: Wickipedia)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
NEW YORK CITY, NY - MSNBC has offered an hour-news show to the recently captured Somali pirate. "Abdiwalli Abdiqadir Muse is just the sort of fresh alternative face we're looking for," said MSNBC executive Brandon Pyle. "He'll provide a new perspective on stories and give voice to the voiceless in the pirate community." With a working title of The Six O'Clock Muse, the show will use the sets of MSNBC personalities such as Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann. "This is the fun part," chuckles Pyle. "Muse will burst in with an AK-47 and hijack the set, do his show, then challenge listeners to "ransom" the host by phoning in or Tweeting." And while Muse' English is poor, Pyle has anticipated this. "We're planning on dubbing him with Perez Hilton until his language skills catch up." (Photo: bodypolitik.org)
Monday, April 20, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ordered to save a hundred million dollars, President Obama's cabinet countered by offering to pay all their back taxes plus fines. "I don't think people realize what a generous offer this is," said an unnamed White House source. "Some of the cabinet haven't paid taxes in years, while others kick in less than they give their kids for drugs." There has been no word on whether the President will accept the bid, but several cabinet members were uneasy. Said one, "Must we? Now people will expect it every year." (Photo: blogs.abcnews.com)
PORT OF SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO - While delivering a speech, a surprised President Obama was tackled by Daniel Ortega and Hugo Chavez who wrestled off the President's trousers then ran off giggling. This followed a robust prank by Bolivian President Evo Morales, who placed Obama in a headlock and rubbed knuckles on his head. As aides deployed a table cloth covering Obama's dolphin-patterned shorts, Ortega and Venezuelan dictator Chavez scampered around, dodging U.S. Secret Service, before running the President's slacks up a flagpole. Pledging "equal partnership," Obama concluded: "Let us not look to the past. But let us seek a new foundation for the future. I would, uh, uh, uh, like my trousers back, fellas. Or, at least, my keys and wallet, Okay?" (Photo: www.hillgear.com)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Production rolls along on a new reality series starring Barack Obama, his half-brothers, and his illegal immigrant aunt. Filmed in the White House, the show focuses on the misadventures of the Obama family as the President runs around the country while his family runs around the White House. "Think The Osbournes meets Billy Carter and Roger Clinton," said producer Gilliam Hall. Early on, Oh! Bama seemed likely to die in pre-production. "We had Secret Service problems because George Obama has been arrested for marijuana, while Samson had some trouble with teenage girls. Luckily, the President doesn't hold a man's past against him, so we got the objections waived." In addition, INS officials granted Aunt Zeituni Onyango a one-year stay. Hall says she commutes between Washington and her home in Boston public housing. "The show is a classic, fish-out-of-water tale," adds Hall. "Turn on the camera and get out of the way." Oh! Bama episodes include such story lines as:
The President interviews a new drug czar who sits on a couch and discovers George's bong.
As a girls' high school class tours the White House, no one can locate Samson and his friend, Bill Clinton.
First Lady Michelle's Vogue shoot is disrupted by Aunt Zeituni as she collects the crew's plastic water bottles and cashes them in at a recycling center in order to buy food.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
ORUZGAN PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN - A specially-fitted MQ-9 Reaper drone launched both parts of the film Che onto a Taliban cave complex. According to witnesses, the results were dramatic. Dismayed Taliban fighters boiled out into the open where they were mowed down by helicopter gunships. Eight prisoners were taken, including a Taliban leader who stated, "Allah be praised, but the stink was too much. It smelled like goat bowels and old woman waste. I would rather face machine-gun fire - and did." Jubilant at the success of Operation Film Flop, the Air Force plans more such raids. Negotiations are underway with Hollywood for the rights to Battlefield Earth and The Postman. (Photo: open.Salon.com & shock.military.com)
Friday, April 17, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Slated to speak at several university graduations, Vice-President Joe Biden has withdrawn after testing positive for steroid use. A spokesperson for the Vice-President stated Biden hoped drugs would give him a mental edge. "Joe's been in the dog house for saying goofy things. Obama's had him setting up card tables in the White House basement, then breaking them down. These speeches seemed like a chance for Joe to shine." Biden's drug use was discovered during speech rehearsals. Prior to steroids, the Vice-President called Wake Forest, "Wacky Forest," thought Syracuse was the capital of Ohio, and stated he himself had built the Air Force Academy with "two dollars in my pocket and an old mule named Ken." After injecting steroids, Biden flawlessly delivered his speeches, then tackled an aide hard enough to dislodge several fillings. (Photo: AP)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
NEW YORK, NY - Busy billionaire George Soros was even busier a few years back, acting in films, TV, and theater under the name Vincent Gardenia. "I like to pretend," said Soros. "Acting allowed me to deliver fabricated lines with total sincerity." Winning a Tony and an Emmy, Soros/Gardenia was twice nominated for the Oscar. "They would never give me the award because none of my characters were retards. Tropic Thunder had it right." In later years, Soros discovered politics fulfilled his need to pretend. "I'm able to convince millions I don't own the Democratic Party the way a boy owns a hamster. And I owe it all to 'Vincent.'" (Photo: www.bloggernews.net & flickster.net)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security has identified the Salvation Army as a right wing extremist organization. According to Miles Griffin of the DHS Office of Intelligence and Analysis, the classification was based on clear, convincing evidence. "One need only observe their uniforms, religious fervor, and anti-government homeless programs to know the Salvation Army fits DHS criteria for dangerous and disgruntled." In addition to alerting local police departments, Griffin hopes the DHS will receive authority to move against the Salvation Army before Christmas. "I won't allow these radicals to recruit our children, shove them in front of grocery stores dressed like Santa, ringing a bell for charity. Not on my watch, mister." (Photo: blog.apollobravo.com)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Proclaimed "too big to fail" by Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, the bottled urine industry will receive 41 billion dollars in TARP funds. Adrian Zimmer agrees with the decision. "It's all about jobs," said Zimmer, chief lobbyist for the Bottled Urine Industry of America. "People in this field have families." The number of employees working in urine shops and distributorships isn't known precisely, but Zimmer states "it's a lot." And while insiders claimed TARP money was pay-back for the BUIA's enthusiastic support of Barack Obama, Zimmer laughed: "Detractors always say the president's in the pocket of big urine. But that's not true to my knowledge." The BUIA hopes to use TARP dollars to restructure debt and hire a pr firm to improve their image. Zimmer explained: "When people see our product, they think 'piss.' We'd like them not to think that." (Photo: www.herbal-howto-guide.com)
Monday, April 13, 2009
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The president's science advisor, Dr. John Holdren, stated there are direct links between global warming and the giant turtle the Earth rests on. "Oh, the science is in," said Dr. Holdren. "We know absolutely that the Earth sits on four elephants, who, in turn, rest upon a giant turtle. Their respiration, coupled with carbon emissions, causes the planet to heat up." Dr. Holdren suggested building an immense crane several miles tall in order to lift away the elephants and replace them with colossal amounts of kelp. "In the meantime," said Dr. Holdren, "scream at anyone who disagrees with you. Scream until the veins on your neck pop out like steel cables. That's what I do. Man, it feels good." (Photo: www.phantis.com)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Funny man Jon Stewart might find his style a bit "taxing." The Daily Show star could fall victim to a fee proposed by new FCC head, Julius Genachowski. Designed to fund affordable broadband access for community activists, the proposed tax would "cap" the number of arch, smug, or mocking facial expressions used by on-camera personalities. Explained an FCC insider: "Each broadcast personality would be required to purchase "expression credits." A smug dynamo like Jon Stewart could be severely taxed. However, Stewart might purchase credits from more neutral-expression users such as Jim Leher or the cast of The Office." Added the insider: "If this passes, Steven Wright could have a huge come-back." (Photo: bighollywood.breitbart.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - As part of a new White House Easter tradition, President Barack Obama has presented God with an iPod. According to spokesperson Robert Gibbs: "The president wanted to combine technological coolness with a more peer-to-peer approach." The iPod is said to contain Molten Hot Hits of the Seventies, including "One Toke Over the Line" by Brewer and Shipley and Gallery's "Nice To Be With You." In addition, the iPod holds seventeen of the president's most beloved speeches. While God's reaction is not yet known, Gibbs added that the White House has other plans for Easter. "We're thinking of making the holiday more green; perhaps calling it "Earthster." We'll have to see how that polls."
(Image:jdfrey.wordpress.com & flickr.com)