Saturday, October 31, 2009

Zombies Face Brain Tax

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hidden within Speaker Pelosi's healthcare bill is a new tax on eating brains that has infuriated the undead community. "This is rank discrimination," stated attorney Charles Beamon, undead spokesperson. "My clients are deceased, voiceless except for grunts, low moans and snarls. This makes them easy targets for punitive taxation." In addition, Beamon stated the healthcare bill ignored zombie dietary needs. "They only eat one thing. Serve 'em brains and a salad and they'll eat the brains. Sure, the bill mentions 'brain co-ops,' and 'private cranial options,' but there is serious doubt the government can deliver. If zombies could talk they'd probably have a saying like: 'all shuffle and no bite.' That's what we think of this plan." Beamon added that the undead plan a march on Washington within the month, where they hope to meet Speaker Pelosi and eat her brains. "If they can find any," joked Beamon. "Just kidding. Hope that's not a hate crime." (Photo:

Fans Forbidden to Live in Wrigley Field

CHICAGO, IL. - New Cub's owner Tom Ricketts announced fans must take down all makeshift shelters and leave the park after the completion of every game. Said Ricketts' spokesperson Bert Saunders, "Over the years, things got a little sloppy. Wrigley Field accumulated a population who just wouldn't go - old hippies, Sterno drinkers, the chronically unemployed. For the price of a single ticket, they saw a professional baseball game and acquired a residence. After awhile, the park looked like a Brazilian slum. People from the suburbs don't want to watch a ball game next to someone washing themselves in a discarded popcorn tub." Saunders quickly added that former dwellers are welcome back any time during baseball season when the Cubs are in town. "But they've got to leave, otherwise it's barnacles-on-a-hull and they get scraped off. But they can return the next day for the price of a ticket. But then they have to leave." (Photo:

Friday, October 30, 2009

Vegas Family Wins Des Moines Weekend

LAS VEGAS, NV - Casino manager Eric Valenti was stunned to learn he'd won a weekend at the Des Moines Quality Inn. "Free coffee and Danish before 9:00 AM," said Valenti, observing the MGM Grand blackjack tables as a floor show with magicians and fire-eating dwarfs took place in a nearby lounge. "Apparently my wife hit it big. She was on a website buying supplies for the dancers she choreographs and clicked a side bar button. Next thing you know, we've got two days in Iowa. Lucky, huh?" Valenti paused as bells sounded near the slot machines, signalling someone had won a progressive jackpot worth 375,000 dollars and a Toyota RAV. "I hear they got a balloon museum there. Quilt shows, too. You know, my kids have never once seen corn? I mean, outside a can and all. This is gonna be wild." (Photo:

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Jar of Beans Will Determine Afghan Strategy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Stung by European complaints of dithering on Afghanistan, President Obama announced his strategic decision will be based on what color bean he pulls from a large jar. "We're using an empty mayonnaise jar filled with beans in four colors," said White House Communications Director Anita Dunn. "Red means send more troops and win, white means leave at once, green means stay but recycle, and gray means stay, look busy, but don't really do anything." The bean jar was suggested by the Vice President, who jokingly referred to it as the 'Biden Doctrine.' Dunn stated the President will be blindfolded, then select a bean sometime in early November. "The President is confident he'll make the right decision. If not, it'll be the fault of Bush." (Photo:

Vegan Council Okays Bacon Bits

MARIN, CA - In a controversial move, the governing council of Vegans United Against Meat (VUAM) has stated bacon bits don't really constitute animal flesh, and are approved for salads. "Bacon bits are small, hard, crunchy things," said council member Aaron Pelton. "We believe they're a totally manufactured product. Meat, on the other hand, is moist, tender and succulent - that is, as far as I recall." Opponents of the decision are furious. According to member Naomi Tidalpool, "This [council ruling] has seriously compromised VUAM's ability to lecture the public on their primitive savagery." Pelton, however, remained adamant. "Our decision stands. If the zealots don't like it, let them form their own group." Pelton stated VUAM would now examine the practice of selling dispensations for Thanksgiving. He explained: "New vegans often have a tough time transitioning around the holidays. A dispensation would allow them to ease into veganism while enjoying a Butterball turkey, basted in butter, with steam rising from white meat as you slice through brown, crackly skin...or so I recall." (Photo:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Obama and Tiger Woods Plan Job Swap

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having golfed more in ten months than President Bush did in almost three years, Barack Obama announced he will join the PGA, leaving the country in the hands of Tiger Woods. "They worked out a swap," said Dan Pfeiffer, deputy White House communications director. "The President will begin preparing for the 2010 PGA Championship in Kohler, Wisconsin. Tiger will assume direction for two wars and a depressed economy. But don't think the President will be out of the loop. He'll be in constant touch with the White House between golf rounds, Democratic National Committee fundraisers, and date nights." Woods was unavailable for comment, but a source close to him stated the preeminent golfer was confident he would do a good job because Obama made governing seem so effortless. (Photo:

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Airline Denies Off-Course Pilots Played Warcraft

EAGAN, MN - Northwest Airlines has denied two off-course pilots were playing the popular World of Warcraft computer game on their laptops. "Just another crazy Internet rumor," said Northwest spokesperson Gary De Sale. "Forget about it." However information leaked from a National Transportation Safety Board hearing the pilots attended indicated otherwise. According to an unnamed source, "The first officer was an Alliance Night Elf named Treequick, and the captain was a Horde Troll named Slobbercrush. They hated each other. They would carry maces and battle axes on the flight deck. I mean, the NTSB even had an email from Slobbercrush to management asking to be paid in Warcraft cyber gold. Trippy." De Sale refused comment on the allegations. "We'll stand by the NTSB report. Unless it says anything about World of Warcraft. Then it's untrue." (Photo:

Monday, October 26, 2009

Public Option Now Called 'Beer'

SUNRISE, FLA - In an attempt to pass mandatory government health care, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced she will call the new system, 'beer.' "We need a name with less baggage" stated Pelosi. "People like beer and we want them to like our new federal healthcare system." Inspired by the enthusiastic response to 'beer' from her staff, Pelosi referred to cap-and-trade as 'fun clown time' and card check as 'free sex.' (Photo: stuffeducatedlatinoslike...)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Baby Barack Doll In Stores For Christmas

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Retailers are hoping a new Barack Obama doll will be the Cabbage Patch Kids of this holiday season. Created by doll designer Hobin Loam, the soft plastic Baby Barack will come with a diaper, Obama-logo bib, and its own teleprompter. Kids can press the chest of Baby Barack to hear over 40 different phrases, including 'FOX News is picking on me,' 'The stimulus will halt unemployment at eight percent,' 'Do you speak the Austrian language?' Loam hopes to create a universe of Obama dolls, with new designs dependant on holiday sales. Future dolls could include Crabby Axelrod with a 3' x 3' patch of AstroTurf, and Mao Ze Dunn, designed after White House communications director Anita Dunn. Mao Ze Dunn comes complete with Chinese dictator uniform and a bowl of slaughtered peasants. (Photo:

Friday, October 23, 2009

Festive Motorcade Planned for International Day of Climate Action

FEDERAL WAY, WA - Tomorrow, residents of this community south of Seattle will embark on a motorcade in honor of the International Day of Climate Action. "We're driving all our cars and trucks around Puget Sound," said event organizer Melissa Daye. "One person per vehicle to make the motorcade as long as possible. We'll be gunning engines and flashing brights, letting people know Saturday is a day for planetary action." In addition to the motorcade, Daye said her group plans running TVs, clothes dryers and microwaves for twenty-four hours, reminding people what they'll lose if they don't lower their energy footprints. Local activists like Daye will be busy all across the world on October 24. If you, your family and friends are concerned about Mother Earth, here are some simple, common-sense ways you can show support tomorrow and every day:
1. Leave on all lights in your house or apartment, showing the community you are 'enlightened' as to sustainable energy use.
2. Gather up all loose papers and magazines from around your home and burn them in the fireplace or barbecue.
3. Tear out any crops you may be growing and put in a sprinkler system and a lawn. Employing gardeners who are close to the Earth is a way we can show planetary appreciation.
4. Replace parks and green spaces with cemeteries and golf courses. Trees are one of the largest producers of deadly carbon dioxide gas. Cemeteries produce only quiet, and, except for occasional sobbing, reduce noise pollution.
5. Eat green by replacing meat in your diet with breakfast cereals. Cereals are plant-centered foods that help reduce health risks. So instead of steak, try Frosted Flakes and potatoes. Or instead of a hamburger, order Count Chocula with your fries. You'll feel better and so will the globe.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Polka Stars Demand Gitmo Investigation

MILWAUKEE, WI - Concerned Polka Artists Against Guantanamo (CPAAG) have demanded an investigation into which polka tunes were played for prisoners under interrogation. "We found out through a Freedom of Information paper that they played our songs to some of those guys," stated CPAAG spokesperson Stan Haskellet. A polka musician himself, and composer of the "Toothless Bride Two-Step," Haskellet and CPAAG are upset that their music was used without proper licensing. "BMI and ASCAP (music licensing agencies) got no paperwork, nothing. So how we supposed to get royalties? If Myron Floren were alive he'd spit beer kegs." The music of Haskellet and 'Sweet Barry' Kowalski of the Polkawhirls has been mentioned in official documents as being particularly effective in getting prisoners to talk. "Well, Okay, so some Arab fellas blabbed," said Haskellet. "But we still want to know which songs by which artists and how many times were they played. And we'd better start seeing checks or somebody's getting an accordion up their kiester." (Photo:

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Stephen King Crafts New Villain: A Crazed Christian

BANGOR, ME - In his latest novel, Under the Dome, Stephen King has sought a change of pace, depicting a major antagonist as a violent, unhinged Christian. What prompted this departure from King, who has shown a preference for negatively portraying radical activists, authors, communists, and Islamic fascists? "After thirty years, Stephen decided to leave his comfort zone," said Simon & Schuster spokesperson Miriam Kale-Edwards. "He wanted to break new ground and create a Christian character who was loony and hypocritical." Kale-Edwards hopes introducing an untried element draws in first-time readers."King fans may be a little disappointed at not seeing their favorite targets skewered, but we're hoping new audiences give the book a read, especially since Stephen includes a positive Christian character who is merely stupid and easily duped." 'Dome' releases November 10 in hardcover and Kale-Edwards hopes King's literary experiments continue. "Who knows? One day he might write a novel under two-thousand pages and not set it in Maine." (Photo:

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sudan Policy Introduces Genocide Coupons

KHARTOUM, SUDAN - In an attempt to reduce killing in Darfur, the U.S. announced it will offer 'genocide coupons' to Khartoum for each massacre they refrain from committing. "This is smart, realistic diplomacy," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "The Sudanese government will receive a coupon each time they stop themselves from butchering villagers. These coupons may be exchanged for lighter sanctions or a boxed CD set of President Obama's speeches." Sudanese President Bashir welcomed the new approach. "Coupons provide a real incentive for us to watch ourselves. I feel less massacre-y than ever." Clinton dismissed critics who labeled the new policy 'unrealistic.' "Coupons are a proven commodity. They'll work just as well, if not better, than reset buttons." (Photo:

Monday, October 19, 2009

'New Improved Secrets' Reveals Truth Behind Reality

SEDONA, AZ - Building on the 2007 documentary film The Secret, a New Age author states the real secret behind all reality may be found by purchasing his latest book entitled New Improved Secrets. Written by lecturer and Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Healy Lucan, the book posits that the entire universe is energy, that energy is in vibration, and that nothing is real in the sensory realm except checks or credit card orders made out to purchase New Improved Secrets. "Why is this? I don't know," stated Dr. Lucan. "For some reason, the universe has selected my book and the various methods of paying me - and I accept them all including Pay Pal - as the only non-vibrational items in existence." Dr. Lucan reports the universe has informed him this won't always be so. "Order New Improved Secrets quickly and the universe will knock off fifteen percent. Choose not to order and the universe will vibrate your car seat and cause you to perspire, wetting your slacks and leaving you an object of sport for all eternity." (Photo:

Sunday, October 18, 2009

'CSI: Lapland' Airs in Sweeps

HOLLYWOOD, CA - CBS will roll out the heavy artillery for November sweeps with a two-hour pilot episode of CSI: Lapland. A new franchise in the popular series, 'Lapland' features a crack investigative team unraveling mysteries above the Arctic Circle. Slated to overlap Leno on November 5, the pilot introduces the team as they track down whoever mixed Ecstasy with lichen causing the reindeer to act funny. Subsequent episodes will include:
While visiting a UNESCO World Heritage Site, the team discovers someone has filled a cranberry bog with Mr. Bubble.
Suspects abound at a youth festival as the team searches for whoever poisoned an unpopular lute player.
A Lap TV host is found strangled in his luxury sleigh with cod intestines and suspicion points to a disgruntled ice fisherman.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Official Admits Urugauy and Paraguay Ficticious Countries

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A State Department insider related there are no such nations as Uruguay and Paraguay. "Those are government code words for party towns," said an anonymous State Department source. "A hundred years ago, when someone wanted to chill in Rio or Capri or some Greek island, they told their families they were being assigned to Uruguay or Paraguay. In the 1930s, Secretary of State Cordell Hull paid to have both names added to world maps. But if you travel to where they're supposed to be, its all Brazil. They'll be the first to tell you." The State Department has officially refused comment. A call to the Uruguayan embassy was answered by a man with a thick Brooklyn accent who claimed to be the Ambassador's friend. A call to the Paraguayan embassy was forwarded to a Microsoft service center in India. "They've got a company out in California that designed flags, and puts out press releases, and finds people to show up for the Olympics," stated the source. "I got shot down on a trip to Fiji, that's why I'm blowing the whistle." (Photos: &

Friday, October 16, 2009

Richard Dawkins Opens Grief Counseling Service

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Scientist Richard Dawkins, author of the evolutionary primer The Greatest Show on Earth, has opened a grief counseling service aimed at educating the dying and their families on the impossibility of an afterlife. "The evidence is wonderful and enthralling: there's nothing after death. In fact, there's nothing in life but blind, pitiless indifference," chuckled Dawkins, manning the phones at his modest store front office. As people called in with tales of loved ones lost to boating accidents or crime, or with their own terminal diseases, Dawkins soothed them with evolutionary theory, explaining how we are all random accidents and will simply decay like dead crows on a highway. "It's vital I drive home how little the universe cares about them," said Dawkins. "That's why I get their credit card information first." (Photo:

Book Review: 'The Thistle In My Father's Pants'

(INI recently interviewed author Wembly Totter, Professor of English at San Francisco State University, recipient of Ford and MacArthur Foundation grants, and whose latest novel, The Thistle In My Father's Pants, has received the prestigious Gretchen Hyde Award for Most Incomprehensible Literature.)

INI: What is 'Thistle' about?

TOTTER: Everything important: family, global warming, being invited to parties where people say words like 'verisimilitude' and 'parameters.'

INI: Why didn't the protagonist, Thom Cakery, stop his grandfather from drinking Sterno then jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge onto a whale watching cruise?

TOTTER: Because he lacked self-esteem . . . and they were out of Crown Royal.

INI: Thom is clearly in love with Ginger Limekiln. And yet he accuses her of eating seal meat and gets her expelled from Greenpeace.

TOTTER: Ginger was politically aware and knew defending herself against a false charge would only give ammunition to the hate-filled. Tragic. I knew a county supervisor like that.

INI: He was falsely accused?

TOTTER: No, he ate seal meat; at work; keeping it in his desk where it leaked blubber over important departmental memos.

INI: The first eighteen pages of your book are mostly blank, containing only a single phrase: 'Be my chum.' Critics are divided on the meaning: some believe it indicts a racist-sexist power structure that forces meaning into literature, while others feel it's stupid, silly page filler. Any comment?

TOTTER: It was either a clever choice or a mistake. I forget.

INI: You dedicate the book to activist Crispin Fezleiter. Who is he?

TOTTER: Crispin taught me everything I know about literature. He said, 'Whatever slop you write, dedicate it to the planet. You'll get away with murder.' He was right.
(Photo: wendyusuallywanders...)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Howard Dean Sausages Linked to Rage in Lab Mice

PALO ALTO, CA - Good news and bad news for Howard Dean as his new breakfast sausages hit the shelves at the same time as a Stanford University report claiming Dean's pork patties caused rage in laboratory mice. The report stated tests were conducted with white mice sampling Dean's patty and link sausages. Within minutes, the fur around their throats turned red and the mice began emitting a series of harsh squeaks, eyes popping from their skulls as if trying to escape. Stanford researcher Dr. Hans Engebbi added, "They bit pencils in half and soiled a photo of Glenn Beck with mousy pellets." Democratic National Committee Chairman Dean erupted over the report. "This is nothing but right-wing SLANDER, orchestrated by BIG MEAT, attempting to ruin and destroy the first PROGRESSIVE BREAKFAST SAUSAGE!!!!" Chairman Dean then proceeded to bite a microphone in half and soiled a photo of Michelle Malkin. (Photo:

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

CGI Hotel Fools Nerds

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Four computer professionals were injured after mistaking a CGI hotel for a real one and stepping onto a freeway. One of the injured, Adam Punctell, explained: "We thought we were walking into the lobby of a Quality Inn for a conference on disposable imaging and suddenly we're in the right lane of the 101. But the graphics were awesome! It was worth eight broken bones." Not everyone is pleased by the public appearance of computer graphics interface. Said Mountain View Police Officer Duane Montoya, "These damn nerds are getting worse. They've set up CGI stop signs, rest rooms, and methadone clinics. I'm fed up." Montoya has attempted prosecuting nerds for creating a public nuisance, but every arrest was dismissed by a CGI court official. "These people on the freeway were nerds, too," complained Montoya. "If they can fool their own kind, what hope do normal people have?" Montoya vows to continue the fight. "We've gotta get 'em away from keyboards. Maybe offer 'em a chance to touch a girl on the shoulder? Hell, they probably make their own women on a computer, then grab themselves in an improper manner. I don't know for sure. But it seems likely." (Photo:

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mayan Calender Featured Carvings of Pretty Girls

YUCATAN PENINSULA, MEXICO - Archaeologists have discovered new stone carvings once attached to the famous Mayan calender depicting young women in suggestive poses. "This is groundbreaking stuff," said Professor Wayne Hamilton of Princeton University. Discovered in an underground chamber beneath a temple complex, the find, according to Hamilton, along with other evidence, "indicates the great 'Long Count' calender was originally handed out as a give-away at pyramid openings." The images depict women bending over to pick up maize, or holding a barbed war club between their legs and smiling coyly. And while excavations continue, Hamilton speculates these pictures explain why the 'Long Count' resets to zero on Dec. 21, 2012. "Given the calender's 5,000 year cycle, we feel Mayan stonemasons ran out of poses. I mean, there's only so many cute, sexy ways you can carve a girl weaving, making pottery, or being tossed in a limestone sinkhole as a human sacrifice. It's tough." (Photo:

Monday, October 12, 2009

NASA Crash Vehicle Filled with Turtles

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - A two-ton rocket stage that crashed into a moon crater contained forty-two turtles, placed there by scientists. "We don't know why or for what purpose," said NASA spokesperson, Adrian Brumar. "The scientists stated it had something to do with finding water on the moon." Instruments from a second vehicle crashing nearby indicated no sign of the turtles. "We're guessing they didn't survive," said Brumar, who believes scientists often use technical jargon to justify doing odd things. "The scientists want to try it again with frogs, but we're asking them to write out 'why.' I don't think they have a mature answer. But I'm just a spokesperson." (Photo:

Sunday, October 11, 2009

America's Least Visited National Parks

OLD BOOT, AK - Everyone knows about Yellowstone, but how many travelers are aware of Alaska's Hungry Bear Valley? Of the fifty eight national parks, here is a list of those with the smallest crowds and highest mortality rates.

1. Oops Falls, California
Moisture slick rocks stamp this scenic waterfall a sure-fire bet for anyone looking to slip and plummet to death. A recent lawsuit forced the government to make the area handicap-accessible, so wheelchair-bound visitors will no longer be denied access to a watery end.

2. Devil Bum National Monument, Utah
Awesome wind-carved rocks are also home to a savage band of tramps known for robbing and mauling tourists.

3. Long Sleep Volcanic Flats, Hawaii
Like the lyrical Hotel California, you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave. Poisonous gases see to that.

4. Quicksand Caverns, Georgia
The caverns are dark and full of quicksand. But travelers who survive often return with hats and other light accessories found floating atop the quagmire that prove quite serviceable after rinsing.

5. Rabid Chipmunk Ravine, Pennsylvania
The chipmunks are cute, but diseased. One bite will have you foaming more than a man gargling Alka-Seltzer. Shoot them and win points toward merchandise in the ranger station gift shop. (Photo: Kevin Adams)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Predatory Lenders Kill Livestock

CASPER, WY - Ranchers reported a pack of predatory lenders have pulled down and killed several head of cattle. "They [lenders] had suits on," said rancher Burrell Jefferson. "One put a contract over a cow's eyes with loan fees in excess of five percent. Then the others jumped on the cow and ate it down to the hoofs." With the housing slump continuing, predatory lenders have turned feral, roaming farms and ranches, carrying abusive prepayment penalties and preying on older, subprime cattle. "We're fighting back," said Cliff Willis, another rancher. "I've got bait boxes out with poisoned phone numbers of home owners interested in loan flipping. Then we've got steel traps baited with lists of borrowers who prefer mandatory arbitration." Willis hopes to cull predatory lenders before spring. "Otherwise, they'll get after the calves with teaser loans." None of the ranchers know how long their livestock will be at risk, but Willis aims to turn lemons into lemonade. "I just hope to bag enough lenders to make my wife a muff." (Photo:

Friday, October 9, 2009

Academy Awards Open To Waiters and Car Parkers

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will now consider waiters, car parkers, and security guards for Lifetime Achievement Oscars. "They don't need credits or any film experience," said Academy spokesperson Darwin Alba. "In fact, the committee doesn't care if they can't tell craft services from a roll of gaffer's tape. The Academy is interested in star potential and possible future accomplishments."Alba was quick to assure other Lifetime Achievement winners that their Oscars were in no way diminished. "This is a fun, new manner of being inclusive," said Alba. "Why should the tyranny of deeds keep people from winning awards?" (Photo:

Thursday, October 8, 2009

KFC Lard Brick New Green Snack

LOUISVILLE, KY - KFC Corporation has announced that all Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants will now carry the latest green snack: the Lard Brick. "It's about the size of a bread loaf, made of solid white lard," said KFC spokesperson Gina Anaphast. "What's really cool is that it's made from lard and fat waste from other fast food chains." Previously, each three-pound lard brick would have been nothing but grease trap waste. "Food for roaches the size of a bearclaw," said Anaphast. "At KFC, we boil all lard in chicken fat, compress it into bricks, and let it harden naturally." Anaphast believes recycling will overcome any health concerns about the snack's contents. "Recycling is super good and so are Lard Bricks. They go really well with coleslaw and The Colonel's Own Bubbly Water, which is recycled from discarded seltzer canisters found behind taverns. There's no end to what you can do once you start recycling." (Photo:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Michelle Fills White House with Bicep Paintings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - First Lady Michelle Obama has decorated every room in the White House with paintings of muscular, upper arms. "She knows what she likes," said art critic Giles Muskeen. "And so far, she really likes arms from the elbow up." Preferring unknown artists, the First Lady has purchased an entire collection by Cyril Penumbra, mid-century bicep painter, specializing in naval tattoos. Said Muskeen, "One entire wall of the East Wing is covered in a Penumbra oil depicting a hairy, muscular bicep with a color tattoo of the U.S.S. Houston, sinking by the bow in the Java Sea, all guns blazing. Very patriotic and it certainly fills the space." In addition, there are conceptual biceps by limb artist Flasko. "Can't tell what they are,"noted Muskeen. "But Flasko said they're upper limbs." In addition, the First Lady has commissioned thirty-one, different artists to render her own shapely, well-toned biceps in oil and chalk. "These will go out as gifts to heads-of-state and various post offices," said Muskeen. "Everyone loves a bicep painting. And anyone who doesn't is racist." (Photo:

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Paramount Plans 2011 Release for 'Etch-a-Sketch'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Citing the need for a marketing-ready tentpole, Paramount has announced pre-production on a film starring the toy, Etch-a-Sketch. "You saw Transformers, right?" said Paramount marketing vp Fred Matasca. "Well, Etch-a-Sketch will be just like it except, instead of robots turning into machines, there's an Etch-a-Sketch that draws grainy stuff." The studio has high hopes for the Ohio Art Company game-turned movie star, planning a TV series and an animated kids' show. "We're seeing Etch-a-Sketch as a brain-with-attitude, capable of solving problems by drawing grainy stuff," said Matasca. "That's all we have as the script has only been rewritten twenty-eight times and we're not comfortable until around eighty or ninety passes. That way you're certain of hammering out the best, freshest ideas." There is talk that Roman Polanski may be asked to direct. "We hope he's available," said Matasca. "He could really bring something to Etch-a-Sketch." (Photo:

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Chawk3 Dominates Sports Blog Comments

SEATTLE, WA - Despite the Seahawk's 21 - 3 halftime deficit to the Colts, poster chawk3 was on duty, crushing successive taunts from Indianapolis fans on an NFL blog comment section. When horseman1 typed a snarky 'scoreboard, scoreboard,' chawk3 riposted, 'Four quarters in football, Einstein.' Manningfan took up the challenge, typing 'seattle sucks soooooo much.' Chawk3 responded with a poetic slam, 'One 'o' in 'so.' Don't you know?' Manningfan fired back a searing response, but the comment was deleted by the administrator. "I'm pretty relaxed," said chawk3. "I try not to take comments personally, but, at the same time, I'm an unofficial member of the Seattle Seahawk's organization. And we're all about zero disrespect." Chawk3 vowed to continue monitoring the comment's section. "It's a lot harder when the team gets blown out, but that's when you have to dig deep, drink more Olympia and type things." (Photo: