Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fed To Use 'Cash Balls' to Plug Deepwater

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has vowed to end the Deepwater oil leak by stuffing trillions of wadded-up dollars inside the pipe. According to Fed sources, Bernanke has created huge 'cash balls' for the purpose of plugging up the oil. "Fed printing presses haven't stopped running since the Stimulus Plan," said a source close to the chairman. "We can't spend money fast enough and we're running out of storage space. Maybe the cash will do some good at the bottom of the Gulf." Bernanke plans on using visualization to improve his aim, pretending the Deepwater opening belongs to Goldman-Sachs, thus lending the operation an air of realism.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

For Prophet Art

A skilled staff artist, working dozens of seconds, crafted this depiction of Mohammad. I'm not sure, but I think he's wearing a very large turban or a bean bag chair.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Away For A Time

Marie Kwabler wishes you all farewell and a pleasant blogging experience as she moves on to another division of life.

Posting shall be light as blessed paying work has intruded.

(Though I will participate in Thursday's Draw Mohammad Day.)

In the meantime, read, write and post to the best of your God-given abilities.

Be the Web.

Ling Carter - Editor-in-Chief

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Peter Orszag: 'Obama Pledged Not to Raze Texas'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Peter Orszag challenged the hearing of reporters, claiming President Obama never said a word about taxes during his 2008 campaign, instead referring to the state of Texas. "Candidate Obama was quelling an Internet rumor," said Orszag, White House Budget Director. "There was talk that, if elected, Obama would raze Texas in retaliation for the policies of George W. Bush. This would be a very costly and expensive action that might have burdened those making under $250,000 a year. To squash that rumor, the President firmly pledged not to raze Texas. Check out the You Tube campaign tapes, then go see an ear doctor. Nothing could be clearer."

Monday, May 10, 2010

Biden Tasered During Spanish Army Speech

MADRID, SPAIN - During a speech to Spanish troops delivered in English, Vice President Joe Biden was tasered by his own security detail. "This may cost me my job," said Glenn Howard, Secret Service agent. "But why would you address a foreign army in a language they don't understand? Biden does stuff like this every day. I can't stand it anymore." Once the darts were removed, Biden recovered quickly, seemed energized and alert, and finished his speech in flawless Spanish. "Howard is history," said an anonymous source in the Secret Service, "but he's given us a good idea."

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Next UK Government To Be Decided by Rock-Paper-Scissors

LONDON, UK - Breaking Story - Unconfirmed reports state parliament may form a government based on a single round of rock-paper-scissors. Said one observer, "While Conservatives hold the majority of votes, they simply haven't enough to govern without the support of other parties. It's all such a confusing muddle. We need to act quickly. There's simply no time for important matters-of-state such as borrowing money we can't repay and sex scandals."

FCC Reclassifies Broadband as Telegraph Lines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genachowski has reclassifed broadband providers as telegraph lines in a bid to regulate the world wide web and save it from Indian attack. "My goal is to protect consumers by making it more difficult for Indians to cut the Internet, or 'singing wire' as they call it, and deprive school children of access to Wikipedia." In a far reaching bid, Genachowski hopes to provide universal access to the web. "My model is government intervention in housing sales. Hopefully, I can leave the Internet in the same shape as the sub-prime market." In the future, the FCC intends to also regulate semaphore and anyone rapping out 'shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits.'

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Haiti Tops Nashville in Disaster Derby

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a survey of 200 Hollywood and media figures conducted after last week's White House Correspondent's Dinner, Haiti topped Nashville as "Coolest Disaster" 59% to 19% with 2% undecided. A CBS reporter, who asked not to be named, said Nashville fell into a narrative gap. "I don't know. Nashville. Who cares? But Memphis would be a different story because of the Graceland angle." Justin Bieber's accountant was more direct, "Nashville lacks Third World Charm. They don't have anything sexy like voodoo or zombies, just country music." The remaining votes were split among runner-ups Venezuela, Mexico, and The Green Zone.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Newsweek Purchased by Bondage Magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Struggling Newsweek has been bought by adult publication Bondage Weekly for an undisclosed sum. BW publisher Sid Shacklesworth intends taking the 70-year old news magazine in a new direction. "From now on, we'll be doing stories on people who are tied up and liking it. Maybe we'll keep some of the fruity opinion stuff for branding or something." Newsweek editor Jon Meacham blamed the magazine's demise on an accelerated newscycle, a failed redesign and a sea of red ink. "You can't lose money forever. But we sure tried." Changing the publication's name to Newsstrap, Shacklesworth asked Meacham to appear on the first cover trussed up in leather belts with a rubber ball in his mouth. "We thought it might be a fun way to transition." Meacham declined, deeply involved in his new job as editor of Farm Journal. "I wanted to put Obama on the cover, but the publisher said I had to use soy beans. That's journalism for you."

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

FDA Blames NY Bombing on Excess Salt

NEW YORK CITY, NY - An official with the Food and Drug Administration blamed high levels of sodium for Faisel Shahzad's attempted car bombing in Times Square. "We know salt-heavy diets threaten millions of Americans," said FDA spokesman Walt Meter. "Thus its entirely possible Shahzad, crazed by thirst from excessive salt, planted his bomb in a sodium-frenzy." Meter dismissed reports questioning sodium-intake health risks as "fiction put out by Big Salt." Meter felt blaming Shahzad's actions on Islamic jihad was "simplistic and fodder for racists," instead focusing on the need for the FDA to regulate the 600 billion dollar food and beverage market. "Do you really want to see children start the day with cracked lips because cereal manufacturers placed too much salt in their raisin bran? Do you want to see kids grow up addicted to the salt licks that will appear on every street lamp in this country if we do nothing now?" Meter called for the immediate banning of the Morton Salt Umbrella Girl, referring to the iconic image as "Joe Camel in drag."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sleeping Giant Awakens, Visits Washroom

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A Sleeping Giant, awakened by the Arizona governor's signing of a strict immigration bill, failed to stay awake for long, visiting the washroom, then returning to slumber. Said Orth Kathunder, another giant: "Probably the scratching of the pen signing SB 1070 woke up the big guy. But he can be really grumpy pre-coffee, so maybe its not a bad thing he crashed again." Activists had hoped the Sleeping Giant's arousal would signal a move by Washington to tackle immigration issues, but Kathunder suggested otherwise. "He's called 'Sleeping Giant' for a reason. I think he's got a disorder, maybe sleep apnea, but I'm not a doctor, just an Awake Giant."

Saturday, May 1, 2010

May Day Rally Calls For More Federal Funding of Rallies

LOS ANGELES, CA - Organizers fretted the low number of Mexican flags at this year's May Day Everyday Rally, which emphasized the plight of illegal immigrant rallies. "Without money how do we buy more Mexican flags, or signs painted with 'Azatlan,' and 'Reconquer the Southwest?'" asked organizer Juanita Renaldo-Melman. Participant emotions ran high this year following the recent passage of an Arizona law declaring illegal immigrants illegal. "A new law cries out for new rallies," said Renaldo-Melman in a lengthy speech, "Without other people's money our lives will be empty of marches. How will we justify college degrees in Racial Resentment and Agitprop? What will we do with stacks of turgid, hysterical fliers? How will we ever transform California into a big fun laboratory for kooky leftist ideas? Wait, scratch that last part." Leaving behind mounds of trash, the rally evertually broke up as Renaldo-Melman thoughtfully watched the crowd disperse. "By education and temperment, I'm only qualified to scream 'racist' and 'Nazi' through a bullhorn. If we don't get more federal money for rallies, I'll end up at home, bellowing at Fox News. My family's already told me to chill. I need a rally, dude."