Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Simpson is currently serving 33 years in Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center. Nevertheless, Weiner stated O.J.'s dogged 13-year pursuit of his wife Nicole's killer inspired him to seek counsel from a man who knew what it felt like to have evidence stacked up against him. "It didn't matter," snapped Weiner, "O.J. battled to find the real perpetrator and clear his name right up to the moment they convicted him for robbery and kidnapping."
Weiner layed out his reasoning. "Someone sent a picture of a man's pup tent to this chick I used to follow on Twitter named Gennette Cordova and whom I'm not going to talk about. Probably some creep like Andrew Breitbart. Well, I want this phantom hacker nailed. I want the person who jepordized my marriage nailed. I want the person trying to ruin my political career nailed."
Weiner pointed out that, like any crime victim, he immediately refrained from filing a police report and lawyered up. "This is just common sense. Now I want my good name back and the best way is to privately track down the real perpetrator just like O.J. did for all those years. I'm hoping he has some great tips."
Monday, May 30, 2011
"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)
Friday, May 13, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
But the strangest tape showed Bin Laden arguing with a camera operator as they attempted to film an infomercial for something called The Beard Club for Men. Bin Laden holds up an unlabeled plastic tube filled with liquid. The camera operator complains that without a label the liquid—thought to be a beard thickener—won't 'read.' Bin Laden argues they need the close up for a split screen image they'll build in post showing both the liquid and Osama sporting a rich luxuriant beard fluttering like a flag. Bin Laden explains he'll then voice over, 'I'm not just the Beard Club president, but I'm also a client by the will of Allah, may the prophet be praised. Now shoot it the way I want or you're scorpion meat.'
Other tapes consist of short vignettes including one of Bin Laden playing a joke on a guard by putting Nair in the man's turban.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Captain Hobart Langke of the cargo ship S.S. Flan reported today that he took aboard nineteen Al Qaeda fighters in the port of Aden who wished passage to Bin Laden's "shrine." According to the fighters, the undisclosed burial spot had been declared a holy shrine by the Grand Mullah of South Mecca, a less holy shrine in its own right built to handle overflow crowds from the original, much holier, Mecca.
"I was very frightened," said Langke. "They had weapons and bombs and stringy beards with crackers and insects stuck in the hair. To them I say, 'The U.S. dumped the body in the sea. But where I don't know? And so they say, 'Hatred of Jew America and the Holy Koran will guide us.' And I say, 'Very well. That's 35 Euro a head—in advance.'"
After steaming several hours out of port, Langke stated the Al Qaeda pilgrims ordered him to stop all engines and drop anchor. Langke explains, "We're in the middle of nowhere and suddenly they all scream and burn an American flag and leaped overboard. It was like a pool party with a very unhappy ending. Later, I noticed several towels and ashtrays missing from the passenger lounge. I think they took them along when they jumped into the sea. Who benefits from that?"
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Spurred by Native American criticism of 'Geronimo' as code name for Osama Bin Laden, President Obama informed the Secretary of Defense that Indian names had to go. After an exhaustive study, the President decided the aircraft should be designated after radicals he knew and admired. "Make no mistake," said the President. "Nothing frightens our foes or cheers our friends more than knowing that heavily-armed aircraft are overhead named after our most concerned, outspoken citizens."
Preliminary reports indicate that Blackhawk helicopters will now be called the MH-6M Bill Ayers. The Kiowa Warrior Scout Helicopter has been redesignated the Bell OH-58 Bernardine Dohrn, while the Apache Attack Helicopter will now carry the title AH-64A/D Saul Alinsky.
In addition, the Alinsky Attack Helicopter is undergoing a fundamental redesign. The new Alinksy will be programmed to label other American helicopters "racist haters" and encourage unwary aircraft to accept that label and attack them. According to the Department of Defense, future versions of all three choppers will include weapons software that fires automatically at corporations as well as individuals earning over $250,000 a year—excluding sports figures, Hollywood stars, and the Kennedys.
(Images: Warplanes Online Community and friendburst.com)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
UPDATE: Carmichael disputes the current 'buried at sea' meme zipping around the Web. "We take him [Bin Laden] in at night, but he's still here. Once the novelty wears off I'm giving him to my cousin in Queens. He's a got a barber shop and thinks a famous dead terrorist outside will help business. I'm not so sure, but I think Charlie Sheen is freaking hilarious, so what do I know?"
(Image: the peoplesvoice.org)
ALLIANCE, OH - On this traditional day celebrating international labor activism, reports around the country indicate an unusually high turn out of tramps, winos, and aging communists nostalgic for the Pol Pot regime. Willa Martin, a former supervisor with the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles felt America needed a few years before the cities could be emptied out and Year Zero properly begun. "We're getting there,"grinned Martin, raising a clenched fist. "But it may take a few more elections." At a May Day Rally and Speech in Alliance, over 30 homeless men and nine well-dressed, elderly Marxists called for the repeal of the United States Constitution and its replacement with a worker's state granting all free access to taverns. "You must create with the material at hand," said Lawrence Merrick, a retired sociology professor. "The homeless wanted free access to bars, liquor stores, and saloons. So we added that plank. Then they wanted free Arby's 24/7. So we added that too. Alinsky would've understood."
While crossing high above Thousand Oaks, Superman spots a home burning incandescents. Furious, he lands and lectures the homeowner named Hicks and his family on the need to comply with California's green laws and use Compact Fluorescent Lights to forestall environmental apocalypse. There is an argument and Hicks tells the Man of Steel to mind his own business.
Bellowing 'It's my planet too!' Superman punches Hicks in the chest, killing him instantly and sending the man's heart sailing out his back and across the countryside, dripping blood before it lands in Nevada. (This is a marvelously inked sequence of panels and will probably win an Eisner Award.)
Superman then lectures the grief-stricken family on how failure to put planet over self always leads to tragedy. When Mrs. Hicks calls Superman 'a monster,' the costumed superhero sadly shakes his head. 'No, Ma'am. Green scofflaws like you are the real evil. Oh, and let's have those incandescents out by tomorrow, shall we?"
Said the anonymous D.C. source, "We have a stable of caring, concerned superheroes who, frankly, could be doing a lot more for environmental safety and a greener world. We hope Superman's actions are the first step in a dialogue that will eventually remove the stigma of homicide from acts of planetary self-defense."
Other D.C. characters will be joining Superman in upping the environmental ante. The source stated he'd seen an outline for a graphic novel in which Flash and Aquaman catch a man mixing plastic recycling with green waste and beat him to death with pipes.