Thursday, March 22, 2012

'All Our Allies Punch Above Their Weight'

A Danish media fellow examines President Obama's remarks to foreign leaders. There is a certain sameness to them, I think, but you decide.

h/t: Ace of Spades

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Republican War on Women Redux at The Conservatory

The kindly folks at The Conservatory have posted an article I wrote back in Feb. 2011 when the phrase "Republican War on Women" was first being beta tested.

Agoraphobia Parade Disappoints Again

Put away the lawn chairs. A sad day for Portland's agoraphobics as chronicled at DuhProgressive.
h/t: The Conservatory

Monday, March 12, 2012

Fonda's Vietnam Experience Used to Counter War on Women

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A feminist spokesperson said Jane Fonda's famous visit to a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft unit gave her 'street cred' in battling the Republican War on Women. "Hearing the naked misogyny of Rush Limbaugh, it wouldn't surprise me if he had aircraft hidden in secret bases and ready to bomb women at the first opportunity," said Helen Gert-Vommer of Womyn's Media Monitors. "Jane's experience with an anti-aircraft battery should prove a nasty surprise to those who would silence our voices."
Jane Fonda awaits the next yankee devil attack.

Fonda, who 40 years ago took part briefly in the North Vietnamese War on American Aircraft, joined Gloria Steinem and Ms Magazine editor, Robin Morgan, in publishing an opinion piece on the CNN website calling for the FCC to remove radio host Rush Limbaugh. The conservative Limbaugh has been under fire for calling a 30-year-old reproductive rights activist a 'slut.' Added Gert-Vommer, "It's only a matter of time before Limbaugh utters a code word that will lead to Rwanda-style massacres of women in journaling classes, shoe stores, and yoga studios around the country."

Gert-Vommer hoped that the FCC would respond positively to the Fonda-Steinem-Morgan letter, but not until after the 2012 elections. "We need Limbaugh on the air until then for fundraising purposes. Otherwise, people might start talking about the economy or gas prices or how woman get raped in Iran, then lynched from a crane for dishonoring their families. Who needs stuff like that cluttering up the narrative?"
Image: SodaHead

Mark Steyn on Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda fighting the War on American Aircraft
"The face that launched a thousand boat people."
Image: Wikiality

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Unions Will Go Door-to-Door and Annoy Voters for Obama

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka with President Obama prior to playing golf.
ALLENTOWN, PA - With the AFL-CIO prepared to endorse President Obama this Tuesday, labor leaders have announced that union members will go door-to-door and harass anyone who doesn't vote for the President's re-election. Union spokesman Kurt Manlicher of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees stated that the 2012 election is too important to be left to verbal persuasion. "Our union is under attack from lying Republicans who would oppose a lifeguard retiring at age 50 and drawing a pension of $106,000 every year for the rest of his life. What else can you call that but hate?"

According to Manlicher, union members will knock on doors and bother anyone not voting for Barack Obama. Tactics will include over talking, shouting down home owners, chanting slogans, and filming people's angry expressions so they can be spun in the media as proof of anti-union hostility. A spokesman for the Service Employees International Union stated their members will 'slow walk' in front of driveways making people late for work as well camping out on lawns and playing mawkish union songs on a badly-tuned guitar.

Manlicher believes government union workers have an advantage over private sector employees. "Our members can be out all day on union business, drawing full pay and benefits, and no one will even miss half of them. That's what we're fighting for."
Image: New York Times

Thursday, March 8, 2012

HBO to Film Derrick Bell Novel

Bell's nuanced book to see cable.
HOLLYWOOD, CA - HBO Films will forge ahead on a project based on controversial Professor Derrick Bell's fact/fiction book, Faces at the Bottom of the Well: The Permanence of Racism. Currently in pre-production, the film will weave together a series of short stories highlighting Bell's theory that racism is a permanent American feature and any belief in a progressive journey to equality is a "sugarcoated myth." Casting has been a closely guarded secret, but there are rumors that Danny Glover has been signed, pending his return from vacation in Cuba. In addition, sources inside the production have stated cameo roles are being written for Reverend Jeremiah Wright and New Black Panther Party President Malik Zulu Shabazz.

The film will combine statistics on white racism with fictional topics such as the selling of a license allowing white people to openly discriminate against blacks. Other tales involve the bombing of a Harvard president's office that kills all the black faculty, and a science fiction story about aliens who promise to solve Mankind's ills in exchange for all black people on earth.

"This is a story crying out to be told," said Producer Steven Harris-Silage. "Naturally, when the late Professor Bell (who died last year at age 80) discussed racism and depicted Jews as selling out African-Americans, he wasn't talking about anybody at HBO. I just know that deep inside." Slated to be called Faces at the Bottom, the film will stay true to the book's tone. "That may hurt some people's feelings," said Harris-Silage, "but we're HBO. We tell it precisely like it is. Just look at Game Change."
Image: Amazon

'Solar Flares' Light Up The Conservatory

The story below is now up at The Conservatory. It is the same in every regard except the sun spot picture is bigger and there's no image of Dennis Kucinich. I don't want anyone feeling gypped.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Massive Solar Flares Cited in Kucinich Defeat

Sun spot releases particle radiation, thought to have affected Tuesday's race.
CLEVELAND, OH - Eight-term congressman Dennis Kucinich lost a primary challenge yesterday, blaming his loss on radiation from an immense sun storm. "We couldn't turn out the base. They were too busy gathering aluminum foil," said the Democratic congressman and two-time presidential candidate. On Sunday and Tuesday, a vast sunspot released X-class solar flares. This resulted in a mass of plasma speeding toward earth and disrupting GPS signals, radio communications, and the thought process of many of the congressman's most ardent supporters. "I'm different, so they're different," said Kucinich, who once lived with New Age maven Shirley MacLaine. "When my constituents hear space plasma is inbound, they foil-up, then line their apartment walls with bubble wrap. It's just a precaution, but it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hate to say it, but it was the perfect solar storm."

Kucinich still looking for supporters
Kucinich lost 60 - 36 to Democratic Representative Marcy Kaptur as the two progressives battled it out for a single seat, the results of redistricting. With a strong base in Cleveland, Kucinich was believed to have the edge, with a firm lock on the ventriloquist vote. In addition, he could count on the solid support of everyone in northern Ohio who had ever seen a UFO. The man who once proposed a Department of Peace to promote universal love and tolerance—separate from the State Department—seemed assured of victory.

But the universe had other ideas.

Mulling over his future, the 65-year-old politician has mentioned moving to the northwest, specifically Washington. A recent visit there convinced Kucinich that The Evergreen State might well be fertile ground for a political resurrection. According to a 2009 Quinnipiac poll, Washington came in second behind California in the number of registered voters claiming to have seen a UFO. Of those voters, 39% claimed to have spoken to the aliens and learned that every choice they were making in life was the correct one, ordained from beyond the stars. Kucinich was heartened by the data. "Those votes are a tap-in. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll be running for office out of a yurt on the side of Mount Rainier. Stop by and see me. Bring vegan snacks."   
Image: NPR & Washington Post

Monday, March 5, 2012

Murderer Convicted From Crime Scene Tattoo on Chest

Rhodes Scholar Anthony Garcia wishes he'd gotten this crime off his chest.

LOS ANGELES, CA - No satire here, just the surreal truth from Southern California. In addition to the above oopsie, Mr. Garcia used family members to cash his unemployment checks while in jail. The Golden State is, indeed, in excellent hands.
Image: L.A. Times

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ted Kaczynski Tweets

Wily Unabomber again one step ahead of Feds.

FLORENCE, CO - Embarrassed officials at U.S. Penitentiary ADX have refused comment on how Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has managed to connect with the Internet and begin Tweeting. "We've tossed his cell every day for two weeks now and can't find anything," said one corrections officer under condition of anonymity. "We believe he may be using some form of energized wood." Highly intelligent, Kaczynski's presence on the Web has further baffled officials due to the Unabomber's murderous anti-technological stance. Kaczynski is currently housed in a section of the supermax prison containing Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, Olympic Park Bomber Eric Rudolph, and 1993 World Trade Center bombing mastermind Ramzi Yousef. Known as 'Bomber's Row,' the prisoners are locked in their cells 23 hours a day with heavy supervision. "I don't know why or how he does it, but the guy's [Kaczynski] a major smartie," said another anonymous corrections officer. "He finished my kid's calculus homework in about four seconds. In exchange, I smuggled him in a Sierra Club calender. Don't tell anyone."

Here are several Kaczynski Tweets found on the Web.

ted_kboom Proud to say I have six-pack abs.

ted_kboom@nomorelights Good point re. no more electricity could mean return to whale oil; sad.

 ted_kboom Who saw The Lorax? Tell me all bout it.

ted_kboom@deepecodude Building a bike path is another form of industrial-technological rape. Send your city council a nice package.

ted_kboom I once wrote "you can't eat your cake and have it too." But now I think you can.

Images: Twitter and The Smoking Gun

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Sandra Fluke Demands Japanese Sex Robot

Sandra Fluke hopes Congress will provide colleges with Mr. Cuddle-San.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Law student Sandra Fluke has asked congress to provide college campus medical clinics with free male Japanese sex robots. The 30-year old Georgetown reproductive rights activist stated she was emboldened after a phone call from President Obama, congratulating Fluke on her recent congressional appearance where she demanded subsidized contraception. "Georgetown has no comprehensive program to provide either free contraception or free artificial sexual companions," said Fluke. "This is tantamount to a war on women." Fluke expressed a preference for the Mr. Cuddle-San model from Nakajima Industries. The robot has a silicon-based skin used in plastic surgery, an artificial heart that beats harder during sex, and a vocabulary limited to saying, "You're right about that, dear" in five languages. Congress has yet to respond to Ms Fluke's demand. Meanwhile there are unconfirmed rumors that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton possesses an advanced version of Mr. Cuddle-San known as 'Love Buffalo.'
Image: Metro

Thursday, March 1, 2012

President Apologizes to Muslims for 'Act of Valor'

Doctrine of 'aggressive apology' in action.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Continuing a round of diplomatic amends, President Obama apologized to Muslims world-wide for the recent box-office smash, Act of Valor. The film starred actual Navy Seals and depicted them fighting terrorists, many of whom were Muslims seeking to commit jihad on American soil. Said President Obama, "Our strength is in our aggressive apologies, certain they will sooth the rage of peaceful Muslims everywhere." Despite the President claiming his apologies had 'calmed down' recent Afghan aggression, two more American serviceman were killed by Muslims and four injured. Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, "Just because there were additional deaths doesn't mean the Obama doctrine of rapid atonement isn't successful. What works 100 percent? Come on, tell me." Carney echoed the President's sentiments, blaming Act of Valor as contributing to a 'climate of hate' by failing to make the film's villains white oil executives, Tea Party members or businessmen with American flag and cross lapel pins. "Muslims were hurt and confused. They've come to expect a certain standard from our films. We're sorry on behalf of Hollywood. Somehow this one slipped through."
Image: Bookworm Room

NEA Builds Jumbo Poem

Good catch by The Onion on the most massive poem ever constructed.