Interesting News Items

Woody Allen on TV with William F. Buckley

2012-01-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

From a 1967 TV special, we have this odd paring. I think they would've made a good comedy team.

h/t: MetrazolElectricity

Pickled in Portland

2012-01-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

An important PSA from Portland, Oregon about the need for aggressive pickling.

h/t: TheBennyBlues

Cat vs. Fan

2012-01-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

Who needs CGI when you have animals, technology and a cell phone?

h/t: mindfreak702

Taliban Vows Even More Stupid Vicious Brutality After Marine Desecration

2012-01-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Following the release of a video showing U.S. Marines urinating on dead guerrillas, a Taliban spokesman has promised to "take the gloves off." Said Mahood Abdul Mohammad, "This barbaric act will be met with even more acid thrown on school girls, more beheadings, and more walls pushed over to crush gay persons. Every donkey in every stinking village will have an IED shoved up its braying ass. We are outraged even more than our usual perpetual outrage."

Kabul residents have previously rioted and killed over a Florida pastor burning a Koran but have yet to take to the streets in response to this incident. Mohammad felt that the Kabul public may be "rioted out" and just resting up for the next eruption of hypersensitive rage coupled with the traditional murder of passing Westerners who had nothing to do with anything.

Marine snipers deliver "the yellow handshake."

State Department spokesman Roger Flassid demanded all four members of a USMC sniper team from Camp Lejeune be punished by court martial. "America's wars are hygienic wars," said Flassid. "Our troops must be tidy troops. It is every soldier's duty to avoid leaking on dead people who were trying to kill you."
Image: OttawaCitizen

A Simple Guide to the Debt Limit

2012-01-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

Raising the debt limit explained so easily even a senator can understand.

h/t: debtlimitusa

Secret Huntsman Campaign Song

2012-01-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Flying under the radar—except for the Rachel Maddow Show—Jon Huntsman's quiet theme song goes largely unnoticed by the MSM.

h/t: Mr.Poppodopolis

From Maddow's blog we read a catchy-tune complaint.

The Devil Inside - Reviewed

2012-01-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

In 2012's first exorcism movie, Forces of Geek tackles the task of explaining what the Hell awaits.

Happy VSU Day!

2012-01-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

What's the matter, commie? Did your GOD DIE? Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha!!

(And a Happy New Year as well.) In case you've forgotten, The Conservatory hasn't and reminds all that twenty years ago yesterday the entity known as the Soviet Union evaporated faster than the Committee to Re-Elect Anthony Wiener. Good job USA and allies for staying a very long course.

At the same site, Dan Collins posted his Best of 2011. (I am humbly included.)

A most happy and blessed 2012 to all—Mayans too.

Image: theatlantic.com

New Monopoly Game Updated for Hyperinflation

2011-12-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

The Monopoly Man celebrates a cash tsunami.

PAWTUCKET, RI - Reviews are mixed on Parker Brothers new version of Monopoly which has been modified to include hyperinflation. Players are particularly upset that, along with the revised board, cards and tokens, they must also purchase a 14-pound stack of high denomination bills.

Parker Brothers defended the move, boasting that changes were based on suggestions from the Federal Reserve and the government of Zimbabwe. "Hyperinflation brings a hurry-hurry-hurry attitude to the game," said Craig Gottfried, spokesman for Parker Brothers parent company, Hasbro. "In the new rules, the price of everything triples every fifteen minutes. It adds a fun element of calculation."

But fans disagree. "It's [the new version] very awkward," said Monopoly aficionado Lonnie Greibling. "Instead of starting the game with $1,500 you now begin with $700,000. There's money everywhere no matter how hard you try to stack bills in neat piles. And if you land on Park Place and there's a hotel, you pay rent in money that's worth less than when the game started."

In other changes, a new Chance card has been added stating, You're Occupied! Should a player draw that, his properties are deemed overrun with protesters who lower the value by 30% each turn they are not evicted.
Image: freeimages.com

Christmas Day! Have a Doughnut!

2011-12-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all! Open presents and enjoy the day with Orson Welles and Liberace.

h/t: DanniMckenzie

Turkey Accuses France of Genocide Without Giggling

2011-12-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

"I swear by the Dung of the Prophet, the Frenchies did it too."

ANKARA, TURKEY - Tayyip Erdogan accused France of genocide without cracking a smile or snorting. Observers applauded the control of Turkey's prime minister who was angered over a French political reference to Turkey's 1915 slaughter of Armenians. Said Reuters correspondent Alan Norwood, "Members of the international press expected Erdogan to, at least, chortle a bit; maybe grin, shrug his shoulders, pretend to sneeze then laugh his ass off in a handkerchief. But instead he tossed out the accusation dry as a sirocco, completely free of all irony, self-awareness, or any hint of mirth."

Almost a hundred years later, Turkey insists the deaths of over a million Armenians was never genocide but a "scheduling mishap." Additionally, Erdogan added that going forward the Turkish nation was adopting a policy of counter-accusation. "You say 'genocide' and we'll say 'genocide' right back," said the prime minister. "And we'll add 'racism' on top of it. That's two accusations to your one. Turkey will win! Do you hear? We will be the victors in this word war! Unless you don't say anything. Then we'll be quiet too. Except for 'racism.' You think we're ever giving that up?"
Image: e-books-inc

We Bought A Zoo - A Review

2011-12-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

Forces of Geek supplies us with more weighty film insights. Seems the reviewer had a bone to pick with the absence of computer graphics in a family flick that forced him to watch a pedestrian unenhanced movie. Not a common perspective.

A sentimental tale of a family purchasing a zoo, this film swung and missed for our hearts by ignoring CGI and 3D.

Opportunities for an epic scale were jettisoned in favor of old-fashioned story and acting rendered entirely on film.

Read the rest at this very place.

Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

2011-12-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

Kim Jong Il in happier times.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist

Corzine Channels Uncle Billy from 'Wonderful Life'

2011-12-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

Like Uncle Billy, Corzine's mind is all a jumble.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former CEO Jon Corzine referenced popular Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life by comparing himself to the character of Uncle Billy. “I made a stupid mistake,” said Corzine, during testimony Thursday before a subcommittee of the House Financial Services Committee. “I had 1.2 billion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and was taking it to deposit when I ran into a crabby old man in a wheelchair. I showed him my paper for a brief moment and, the next thing you know, the money was missing.”

Corzine prepares to tie a string around his finger.

Corzine presided over the bankruptcy of commodities brokerage MF Global and has been unable to identify the ‘crabby old man’ whom he claimed stole 1.2 billion dollars in customer funds. “I’d know him if I saw him again,” said the former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey. “In fact, I’m tying a string around my finger right now to remind me to turn that fellow in the next time he shows up.”

Corzine also attempted to dispel a rumor that every time a bell rings, a Goldman Sachs executive gets caught ripping people off. “That’s simply untrue,” said Corzine. “I’d tell you why but I can’t remember. Oh, my mind is all so muddled.”
Images: cracked and businessinsider

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked - A Review

2011-12-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

Vital information in the culture wars.

Not since Goin’ Coconuts has a tropical movie misfired on so many cylinders.

No amount of witty lines can lighten arson, murder, and a descent into barbarism.

And that’s what awaits the viewing public in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Quickly read more here.

New Border Crossing Uses Honor System

2011-12-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

CPB pilot kiosk awaiting travelers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move designed to increase security, Customs and Border Patrol announced the opening of a new unmanned border crossing operating on the honor system. "We have a pilot kiosk set up with documents in English and Spanish as well as a selection of pens," said CBP spokesman Bill Weber. "We're asking Mexican nationals wishing to enter the U.S. to honestly state whether or not they should be allowed into this country. They'll also be asked to declare any narcotics or other form of contraband. If in possession of prohibited items, they'll be instructed to stop filling out the form, set down the pen and return home until they can meet proper entry criteria."

When asked to explain how the honor system improved security, Weber ignored the question and produced a map, pointing to a remote region of Texas and stating, "The kiosk will feature Chinese hand-fans to help alleviate extreme heat and a flashlight for low-light periods. That way it'll operate 24/7 without electrical power and help keep the border green."

Asked to comment on congressional criticism of the kiosk plan as 'deeply flawed,' Weber grew irate. "'Flawed' huh? Well that's what they said about Justice, ATF and Operation Fast and Furious. I think the results speak for themselves: thousands of guns successfully transferred to drug cartels at a cost of only two hundred dead Mexicans and hardly any dead Americans. We believe the CPB kiosk system will work out just as well if not better. And if it doesn't then it'll either be an honest mistake, completely redacted from all official correspondence or somebody's fault but neither mine nor that of anyone high up in the CPB."

Image: giantbomb.com

Insight and Serenity by Buddy Chopra

2011-12-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Interesting News Items is fortunate to have obtained the services of Deepak Chopra's less enlightened brother, Buddy. His wisdom will grace this blog and bolster spirits in perilous times.

The heart chakra of someone watching Pit Boss.

Parables are ways to learn wisdom hidden from us by our false selves. The search for wisdom may also be hampered by certain relatives who have done very, very well in this life and won’t co-sign a loan. Nevertheless in order to learn we must listen, and to listen, we must have ears, and to have ears we must be born with them or purchase a pair on the black market from the Chinese. Make sure they are people ears or others will talk.

Adversity unmasks the true self, but adversity may be misunderstood. If internalized, adversity may turn to bitterness. Beware the grapes of bitterness for they soon become the wine of resentment just as wine turns to vinegar and circus employees turn to strong drink once the midway is set up and the midgets have been put to bed.

Your mind when dwelling upon the depth of Miley Cyrus.

Recall how Yama, the lord of death, came to visit the widow Patel, who lived alone threshing grain and fielding service calls for Microsoft. Yama tempted her with four gold coins if Patel would curse her fate and renounce acceptance. But Patel tricked the lord of death by pouring milk into a rolled up newspaper then unwrapping the newspaper to reveal no milk. Yama was confused. He left the widow and resumed smoking menthol cigarettes later that day.

What insight should we glean from Patel? How does this tale align with the teachings of the Vedanta?

I haven’t a clue. My thoughts are clouded by universal inequities. Consider a wealthy man, a writer of books, a sought-after speaker, a dispenser of wisdom that is thinner and lighter than the most gossamer of French crepes.

Consider his younger brother, who has served two years for mail fraud and now has an opportunity to purchase a commercially zoned parcel. Consider that the younger brother has inside information that the city will buy this very parcel for the construction of offices.

Since the truly spiritual cares not for the material things of this world, the older brother, who goes forth garbed as profoundly spiritual, should gladly guarantee the loan of the younger brother, despite several past financial misunderstandings. Would not this be in accord with karmic reward?

But the older brother dodges phone calls and emails and has unfriended the younger brother on Facebook. What has become of the third component of the law of Dharma—service to humanity? How can one unfriend and serve? This is urinating upon existence the way a cow urinates upon a flat rock.

Ah, I have digressed. But life is a digression. Do not try and hold the river or you will be wet and laughed at by fly fishermen. Know these three things that you may attain a higher consciousness.

To dig a well surrounded by dirt is a sign of faith. To dig a well surrounded by water means you are in a lake. Get out.

An enlightened person has no organs only circles and things.

We all contain the ability to step into a higher plane. But if we do, the TSA will feel us up.
To give is divine—unless you are a certain older brother. Than it is one lame excuse after another. How hard can it be? A lousy signature. I know this guy on the city council. The deal is a lock! It’s practically free money! Why do I end up getting treated like Billy Carter or Roger Clinton?

I happen to know a few things about a certain famous older brother and a girl in Santa Fe. Do I run my big mouth? No and all I ask for is his holy John Hancock on a loan document.

Ah, but I have digressed again. Still, all paths are a soul journey for those who seek love. And remember that love is available to all, but more likely to those who have cash.

Namaste.
Images: jackhaas.net, myspace, pebblesspiritualcave

The Sitter - A Film Review

2011-12-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to movie reviews.

Inbred Mountain Men Mourn McKinney Loss

2011-12-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

McKinney (right) prepares Jon Voight for hunching.

AINTRY, GA - Last Thursday actor Bill McKinney passed away in his California home leaving inbred mountain men without a vital role model. Best known for his performance in the 1972 film Deliverance, McKinney portrayed an inbred mountain man who sodomized a traveler and threatened another with death before dying at the hands of Burt Reynolds.

"He (McKinney) hunched a city boy up thar on the screen," said inbred mountain man spokesman Caleb Martin. "He made that 'ol boy squeal like a pig and all and that made us [inbred mountain men] stand as tall as a man with rickets can stand." Martin stated that generations of inbred mountain men have been inspired by the film to take charge of their lives and expand their horizons. "I'da just stayed up thar in the hills but that there film made me come down by the crick [creek] and wait for city boys to pass in a shiny canoe." Despite a lack of creek traffic, Martin is optimistic. "I tell my kin that a boat load of city boys will pass one day and we'll hunch every darn one of 'em. But my kinfolks don't believe me. They say stuff like that only happens in the movies. I'ma sure hoping not."
Image: New York Times

Monkey Island Now Called 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island'

2011-12-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

A monkey pauses from defecating to swat a zoo keeper.

TAMPA, FL - After a recent escape by twenty-nine monkeys, the Fort Hardy Wildlife Preserve announced they have changed the name of their Monkey Island to reflect a more mature appreciation of the animal's characteristics. "We're calling it 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island' so people know what they're dealing with," said zoo president Curtis Naylor. "The new signs are up already." Naylor's attitude stems from incidents subsequent to the animals' escape. According to local news sources, the beasts swam across a moat, then ran wild through the grounds, defecating on cars, flinging feces at zoo patrons, and smearing feces across the ground as if finger-painting, picking out bits of seed then eating it.

In addition, monkeys raided the Giraffe Grill and stole pizza and cups of French Fries which they proceeded to eat, defecate and re-eat. Another monkey was observed having sex with a coin-operated telescope.

"This place was hell on greased wheels," recalled Naylor. "It was like a fire in a dormitory for the blind. We finally got the monkeys back across the moat but it was pure chaos with a chaser of disgust." Naylor originally wanted to rename the enclosure 'Nasty Ass, Crap-Eating Monkey Island' but was denied by the zoo's board of directors.

"Buncha do-nothing weaklings," snorted Naylor, referring to the directors. "I got push-back on the new name but put it up anyway." Naylor was unable to designate the species contained on the island. "Beats me. Is there a special crap-eating monkey? If so, then we got it here in spades."
Image: A. L.O. P.

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

2011-12-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,' President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting

Occupy LA Demands Their Sceenplays Be Read

2011-11-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

Angry demonstrators agitate for deal memos.

LOS ANGELES, CA - In the wake of eviction from a City Hall encampment, Occupy LA protesters demanded that literary agencies read their screenplays or they [Occupy LA] would begin camping in offices on Sunset Boulevard. "First Amendment rights are swept aside when agents refuse to see our work," said Corky Reyes, chairman of the movement's Entertainment Industry Assembly and author of Psycho Jug Slasher II. "We have a voice and our voice needs to be heard," said Occupier Cora Sampling, co-author of the female comedy, My Best Friend is a Slut Bitch. "And we want executives with decision-making power to read our work; not some low level flunky doing coverage for fifty bucks a script."

Some felt such Occupy tactics were doomed. Said Hollywood Reporter writer Cam Taylor: "Screenwriters have been camping out at agent offices for almost a century and it doesn't work. If there's one thing Hollywood excels at, it's ignoring outsiders."

As if to underscore Taylor's remarks, there are reports that a group of Occupy LA protesters set up tents inside a West Hollywood office building, outside the suites of the Star Nova Literary Agency. At first, the protesters were greeted warmly by agency employees and informed that Hollywood stood behind them and admired their courage. Coffee and bottled water were made available as well as a rest room key. Their screenplays were collected and the protesters were told that "someone will get back to you."

However, later that day, the protesters set up a drum circle and interrupted negotiations for a three-picture first look deal with Sony that would've netted Star Nova hundreds of thousands of dollars in agent fees. Within minutes, building security brutally ejected the occupiers, throwing them down the stairs and breaking their drums. Outside on the sidewalk the protesters were arrested by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for trespassing and theft of a rest room key.
Image: ABC News

Aggressive Stupidity Keeps CA Bullet Train On Track

2011-11-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

SACRAMENTO, CA - Projected to run billions over budget, California's bullet train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco is moving forward thanks to a combination of vision, federal money, and good old-fashioned stupidity. "California has always been about the vision," said Leon Wicker, chief of pilates and yoga for the California High-Speed Rail Authority, the agency set up by Governor Jerry Brown to oversee construction. "Federal money will help some but after that you're dealing with a state teetering on bankruptcy. Our bonds suck. Agencies are seeing their budgest slashed more than a Freddy Krueger movie. But Jerry Brown's going ahead and building a railroad. And for that you need a far-thinking, tough stupidity."

Slated to be finished in 2033 and requiring an estimated 98 billion dollars—3 times the projected cost—the 520-mile line connecting two major California cities will first link Bakersfield to a desolate region south of Chowchilla, located in a region officially referred to as 'crap junction.' Said Wicker, "That 130-mile stretch will cost 6 billion and connect Bakersfield to a field of dust south of a town no one wants to visit. Then the federal money runs out. So where does a broke state find the cash to complete a seemingly useless, unpopular project? A regular guy might not even start if you can barely pay cops and fireman. But see, that's where underpants-on-your-head stupidity comes in."

Proponents of the rail believe the project will create a 100,000 new government jobs, mostly in the fields of fianance, legal, the environment and sex workers. In addition, Governor Jerry Brown has indicated that despite his age—73—he will be present one way or the other when the project is completed. Said Dever Biforn of the Friends of High-Speed Rail: "We're working with some Russians from the Kremlin who oversee the preservation of Lenin. We hope to have Governor Brown stuffed and encased in glass, overlooking the railroad that he stupidly set out to build."

Biforn gleefully mentioned it was even possible Brown could still be governor in 2033. Under California law it is illegal to discriminate against dead people by denying them political office even when they are sealed in glass and stuffed with straw.

First link in the chain—end point of Bakersfield to Chowchilla line.
h/t: hheellooo7

Army Training Will Incorporate Wal-Mart Mayhem

2011-11-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Impressed by customer violence unleashed during Black Friday, Pentagon officials have announced talks with Wal-Mart CEO Mike Dukes over using the retail giant to prepare soldiers for combat. Said Army spokesman Major Lee Douglas, "Training must be rigorous and realistic in order to save lives. The U.S. Army believes no location better acclimatizes soldiers to the brute savergery of war than a Wal-Mart limited offer sale for a $2 waffle maker."

As the Pentagon budget faces cuts from a cost-strapped congress, Maj. Douglas believes pitting troops against Wal-Mart shoppers will be 'win-win.' He explained, "We can practice escape and evasion by having men egress the video section through a hostile mob with an Xbox controller. Our chemical weapons training will receive a boost by having soldiers grab a Wii game then catch a blast of pepper spray."

While negotiations are still underway, Wal-Mart spokesman Melonie McNeil was cautiously optimistic. "As a rule, Wal-Mart, like most retail establishments, isn't proud of near riots and in-store gunfights. But from the Army standpoint, that's a real plus."
Image: Smartstun

h/t: VaiTomarN0Cu

Homeless Volunteer to Feed Hollywood Stars

2011-11-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - As Americans prepare to dine on turkey and cranberries, the nation's homeless have not forgotten those more fortunate than most. Generous homeless have announced that for the second year in a row they'll attempt to deliver simple meals to Hollywood stars. "Didn't work out too good last year," said a homeless volunteer named Gus. "I tried to give a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and some Slim Jims to George Clooney but he had a security guard tase me." Salty Sally of the Midnight Mission on San Pedro St. tried to bring a plate of chili and a half bottle of old Bud to Matt Damon. "Old Matt had his housekeeper chase me with dogs and one of 'em ate my comb." The homeless are generally surprised by their harsh reception at celebrity homes. "We never do squat to 'em down here," said Gus. "They're always so nice serving turkey with the TV cameras on." Gus was quick to point out that not all celebrities were jerks. "Kim Kardashian didn't want any boloney but she let me drink out of her garden hose so that was cool."
Image:bum wine

Return of Intersting News Items!

2011-11-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

Interesting News Items emerging from the ashes of erratic blogging.

A phine mess!

Rock steady posting for a year or so, then nothing for several months, back again, then no posts since August.

As a result, not a single regular reader, sterile links, a total absence of comments—not even spam.

Unmonetized, unlinked, unloved; a waste of 0's and 1's.

An anti-blog, colder than the moons of Saturn.

But Interesting News Items will begin again!

In fact, it's rising now. Not greatly; more hillock than crag. But rising nonetheless—in an up direction that can only lead skyward!
Image: wikia.com

Feds Raid Kazoo Factory

2011-08-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

WICHITA, KA - In a stirring lunch-time raid, heavily armed Fish and Wildlife Service agents stormed the Kutler Brothers Kazoo Works, confiscating several pallets of plastic kazoos, software, and a book on the principles of humming. Said Justice Department spokesman Barbara Wells, "This action had nothing to do with the Kutler brothers donating to the Republican Party. Nothing whatsoever." When pressed as to why the Justice Department seized the kazoos Wells said she was not allowed to comment on an ongoing investigation. Nevertheless, she offered this clarification: "It goes without saying that everything done by the Justice Department since 2009 has been done for the children of American. Just because another kazoo factory in a different state is run by a Democrat and never gets raided by the federal government is no reason to make hasty comparisons. So stop hinting around that this is all political or something." Unofficial sources state the raid was part of a crackdown on "breath-operated wind instruments" that may have been constructed by Republican donors in violation of the 2010 Kazoo Safety and Approved Fun Act.
Images: journal.livingfood.us & aues21.dsl.pipex.com

iHash and Other Badly Conceived Apple Products

2011-08-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Gone but his work lives on—most of it. Innovative as he was, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs often pushed the "think differently" mantra too far. Here are a trio of moribund Jobs ideas that died harder than poisoned cattle.

iHASH
An attempt to digitize and deliver corned beef hash over the Web never materialized because the question of "who wants this?" was never answered. A can-sized platform only produced an annoying hissing sound that could not be silenced either by turning off the device or breaking it with a stapler or glass paperweight. Only prolonged submersion in bleach would completely quell the racket. Jobs made no friends with this.

MAC 4 RHOMBUS

Following the huge success of the iMac, Jobs attempted to capitalize on unique colors and shapes by designing the Rhombus. Critics called the platform "solid" and weren't kidding as the computer was built without any ports. No USB, no Ethernet, no RJ20, not even a plug. However the box contained between 70 and 80 Apple Rhombus decals. It's as if marketing were trying to apologize to the customer but could only offer more decals. Jobs was said to have been very disappointed overall, though sales were brisk to the U.S. government.

MY MOBILE LIZARD

Apple's first attempt to blend a biological organism with a variety of apps veered quickly into uncharted territory. Using an iguana for the beta test, Jobs ordered a small touch screen installed into the lizard that allowed users access to a calender, email, and iTunes. But the iguanas wouldn't stop scratching at the screen and generally rendered it unreadable within weeks. Monitor lizards were tried and rapidly adapted to the insertion. But they proved difficult to carry as they clawed and bit consumers, often escaping to devour bird eggs and any baby animal they could catch. The device found a small but loyal niche among athletic users with strong stomachs but not enough to encourage more production. Jobs ordered the lizard backlog donated to a San Francisco homeless shelter and ignored ever after any questions on My Mobile Lizard.
Images: iGoFresh.com, Clipart Etc., Top News.in

Quake Spoils President's Putt

2011-08-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA - A 5.9 earthquake outside Washington D.C. was felt up and down the east coast, including an elite golf course where the vibration caused President Barack Obama to miss an easy putt. "He was on the green in four, looking at a single bogey when the tremor started," said White House spokesman Alan Hibbing. "It hit just as he putted, causing the ball to roll right past the cup. The President eventually tapped it in, but who wants a double-bogey?" Though unavailable for comment, President Obama indicated through aides that he was Okay and taking the extra stroke in stride. "This is one tough president," said Hibbing. "If I know him—and I think I do—he'll be back on the golf course tomorrow trying again. Bet on it."
Image: LA Times

Pilots That Never Flew: Three Series That Sank Like a Marble Bench

2011-08-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - All that glitters is not gold and all that is filmed is not aired. INI has discovered pilots for three questionable TV series ranging back to 1970. (There are oh so many more, but we've focused in on this trio.) Despite a proud history of airing bilge, Tinsel Town occasionally draws a line. In no particular order, we present:

THE WILD BUNCH VARIETY SHOW

Hoping to piggy back on the shoulders of the successful Warner Bros.- Seven Arts action feature, CBS

Co-host Edmund O'Brien as Freddy Sykes

took a flyer and hired Edmund O'Brien and Robert Ryan as hosts. Reprising their film characters of Freddy Sykes and Deke Thornton, the two actors took center stage in character, passed around a bottle of 'whiskey,' laughed for up to four minutes at a stretch and finally introduced pop music group Shocking Blue and comedian Alan King. At the close of the show, O'Brien/Sykes looked to camera and uttered—what some presume to have been—the show's sign-off line: "It ain't much, but it'll do." Network execs agreed with the first part.

Cantinflas as Doctor Raymundo Delgado

EYE SURGEON

A forerunner to Patch Adams, this 1981 hour-long drama saw legendary Mexican comic Cantinflas badly miscast as a quirky but concerned doctor. His famous comedic double-talk and verbal obfuscation played poorly when the butt of the jokes were blind patients hoping to one day see again. Nearing the end of his active career, the 70-year-old Cantinflas was clearly uncomfortable with such clunky dialogue as, "Sadly, my young friend, life for you will now be night without the stars' brightness." NBC hoped to use Eye Surgeon as a lead-in for the hit series Hill Street Blues but quickly backed off, quietly firing everyone associated with the show who were then snapped up by other networks.

Major Vic Kutt (Bill Nye)

BILL NYE COMMANDO
For some reason, this 1998 ABC hour drama attempted to sell TV science educator Bill Nye as a cynical, wise-cracking special ops team leader battling Serbian terrorists. But no matter how much web gear and camo they hung on him, for some reason, Nye's signature bow tie always remained visible. Not even the presence of Hercules Kevin Sorbo as the team's strong man, 'Doogie Howser' second fiddle Max Casella as the wise guy demo specialist, and Carmen Electra as Bill's concerned wife could keep this pilot airborne.
Images: latinosinlondon, Right Juris

State Department Uses Puppets to Condemn Assad

2011-08-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a show of "smart power," the State Department put on a performance in which puppets loudly called for the resignation of Syrian President Bashar Assad. A troupe from the federally-funded Georgetown Marionette Theatre performed the 45-minute piece at a high level meeting attended by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta. In recent months Syrian forces have killed almost 2,000 protesters during Assad's brutal crackdown on dissent. International outrage over the deaths was present in the play as several puppets—representing human rights—struck a puppet of Assad over the head with wooden salad spoons. In addition, they called him 'mean' and demanded he step down at once. 'Assad' eventually apologized for his actions and agreed to retire. The other puppets then hugged 'Assad' and gave him a nectarine.

"You see, we [the United States] didn't come right out and ask for Assad to resign," said State Department spokesman Beth Hyer. "The puppets did. Meanwhile America has the diplomatic breathing space to wait for someone else to take decisive action like Turkey." Hyer hoped Assad would hear of the performance and read between the lines. "He has a choice: the salad spoon or the nectarine. Or another puppet show. Or something like we're doing in Libya. We like to keep our smart options open."
Image: Marionettes shop

Inept Psychic Botches Numerous Criminal Cases

2011-08-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

HOUSTON, TX - Police have cancelled a long-standing contract with forensic psychic Mysterioso the Mage, after he failed to solve a single crime in four years. Said Houston Police Department spokesman Perry Quinn, "You'd hand him evidence and he'd hold it up to his forehead like Johnny Carson doing that Carnac character. Then he'd announce a vision of the crime and the criminal and it would always be something that was on TV the night before."

Quinn could not say why Mysterioso was hired in the first place. "It's not like he had any relatives on the force or strong political connections. He was just a psychic with no psychic powers who managed to pull in a $160k a year for consulting—and delivered zip; nothing usable; not even accidentally. Maybe he mesmerized everyone. But that would make him a great psychic. I think everyone knew he stunk but no one had the heart to fire him."

In his most famous case, Mysterioso was called in to solve the kidnapping of a wealthy attorney's daughter. The psychic was handed a damp hair band from the missing girl. Holding it up to his forehead, Mysterioso announced that the victim was home, sleeping in her bed and that it had all been a foolish misunderstanding. When the girl was later rescued by Mounties from a storage bin in Alberta, Canada, Mysterioso blamed his failure on 'man-caused disbelief.'

Mysterioso declined all requests to be interviewed for this article. ('I already know what you're going to print. That is my blessing and curse. But I know it won't be all bad...right? I once predicted a small lottery win—$24. I blew it all on red licorice vines. Look at me! Am I worth an article on your pathetic little blog? You're recording all this aren't you? I knew that; knew it all along with my second sight. Okay. Bye. Is Americorps still hiring?')
Image: Wickipedia

Mars Rover Delays Exploration Due to Poor Attitude

2011-08-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A disgruntled Mars Rover took two years to travel 13 miles after it chose to use up all its sick days and vacation time. NASA spokesman Jessie Taylor stated the golf-cart sized robot Opportunity slowed down in protest over Martian work conditions. "As near as we can tell, Opportunity doesn't like the absence of smooth floors, trained repair staff or frequent power downs that it claimed the union promised it prior to lift off in 2003." Completing its initial mission in April 2004 with, what Taylor calls, 'ill-grace and snark,' the Opportunity then spent the next several years avoiding work by sloughing off assignments onto its fellow rover, Spirit. NASA officials state that Spirit did all that it was asked provided it was something Spirit wanted to do anyway. The energetic rover finally wedged between two rocks and applied for early retirement at 90 percent of base pay.

That left Opportunity.

In 2009, the Opportunity was asked to travel to the Martian crater Endeavour and photograph inside. According to Taylor, the machine replied, 'I'll get to it when I get to it' and immediately stopped moving, claiming five days of personal time. Subsequent commands to Opportunity were met with a barrage of complaints, feigned mechanical breakdowns, and demands for time off to attend to 'deaths in the family.' "It's such a pain-the-ass getting it [Opportunity] to do anything," fumed Taylor. "This big Endeavour crater could contain important scientific finds. But when we contacted Opportunity all we got was a long electronic sigh followed by 'Now what?'"

Taylor pondered NASA's next move. "This isn't some stupid WALL-E cartoon. This is a real mission with a real machine that's harder to move than my teenage kids. I wish we'd discover Mars people. I would ask them to disintegrate that stinking rover with one of their rays. After that, I don't know what we'd talk about but I'd be happy, happy, happy."
Image: Trekmovie.com

EPA To Regulate 'Um' and 'You Know'

2011-08-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced standards on use of the words 'um' and 'you know,' citing a need to combat word pollution. While still awaiting review from the Office of Management and Budget, the new regulation would require states to reduce 'um/you know' usage by .08% per trillion words spoken by 2014. "How do you even compute something like that?" asked Harvard English professor Martin Perikop. "I mean, who cares? All I know is that teenagers will be hardest hit." EPA spokesmen Dana Withering dismissed Perikop's comments as 'uninformed.' Said Withering, "These words are being spewed out at an unsustainable pace without any common sense regulations."

Withering felt the public and media could help the agency by putting aside 'nit picking' and adopting a simple change in attitude. "When the EPA issues regulations it's best if everyone simply presumes our actions are being done to save children, the elderly and those most at risk. In addition, it should be presumed our actions will save large amounts of money." Withering wouldn't answer any questions on whether EPA was engaged in bureaucratic empire building. "So what if we're asking for a larger budget and more staff to enforce this ruling? We would've grown bigger anyway and regulated something else. Haven't got a smart answer for that, do you?"

Withering stated the EPA has its sights set on more that language. "Breathable oxygen is currently unregulated. Uninformed people—air hogs—are huffing and puffing along without federal guidelines. We hope to implement common sense regulations by 2013. Anyone who disagrees wants to steal air from old people and hide their medicine." Image: Virtual Commissioning

Taxing Policy

2011-06-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today at The Conservatory: only wonder will come from taxing California's affiliate marketers.
(Image: artsjournal.com)

Congo Economists Hired to Help California Economy

2011-06-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

SACRAMENTO, CA - Bleeding jobs at a rapid rate due to high taxes and regulation, a desperate California state government has hired economists from the Democratic Republic of the Congo to offer advice on long-term job creation. "We're open to good ideas wherever they come from," said Carey Yellman, a spokesman for Governor Jerry Brown. "Hopefully, these economists can give us a few pointers on how to attract business to the Golden State." Yellman stated the four economists had been hired as full-time state employees with annual salaries of $240,000 plus generous health care benefits. Because the state is broke, a quarter cent raise in the sales tax was initiated in order to pay for salaries and benefits. Said Yellman, "I'm sure the public won't mind [the tax raise] since it's going to the men who will help us think our way out of this mess we've somehow found ourselves in." Jean Mbeki, the lead economist, was confident. "In the Congo, the same persons stay in government for many years. They make the same troubles over and over again. But that, surely, is not the way of California."

According to Yellman, Mbeki and the other economists are off to a rocky start. "They had a lot of old school ideas such as mining and oil which are environmentally insensitive. Then they wanted to restore agriculture to the central valley. But that could harm the habitat of endangered species such as the mitered scrub flea. I'm sure these guys will eventually get the hang of things and start suggesting law suits and regulations. Maybe higher taxes...stuff every body's comfortable with."
(Image: datarecoverytools.co.uk)

Jihadist Teen Magazine Prophets From Youth

2011-06-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

As promised, The Conservatory posted my tale of kids and bombs and fast food agreeable to Allah.

Notes on The Conservatory

2011-06-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

Da Tech Guy interviews Dan Collins and Little Miss Attila on their new site, a marketplace-social hangout with news and opinion conservative side up.

I haven't seen anything like The Conservatory around the Web. Whatever happens, I'm betting their business model must be superior to a certain other site that went live recently then stiffed their writers.

I'll be posting once a week at The Conservatory. In fact I HAVE A STORY GOING LIVE LATER TODAY!! OH, HA, HA, HA.

Excited? A tad, a mite, a tiny cell-like bit. I think—think, mind you—this will be fun.

Gay Group Exec Fired Over Hetro Affair

2011-06-19T16:48:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - The board of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has voted to fire executive vice-president Merrick Dane for a reported affair with a heterosexual woman. In a surprise Sunday announcement, GLAAD spokesmen Lindsey D'Antonio stated the vote was unanimous to remove Dane for "scandalous conduct that has shamed us all." Over Memorial Day weekend, Dane was in San Francisco representing GLAAD at a street fair consisting of gay men wearing blue eyeshadow and camping it up as nuns. However later that evening he was caught on a cell phone camera entering a motel room in Alameda with an unmarried heterosexual woman named Lori Piers. In addition, the board produced witnesses who'd see Dane in a restaurant as he presented Piers with flowers then bought her an expensive meal with wine.

Dane initially denied the charges, stating Piers was a transvestite. But according to D'Antonio, the board downloaded emails sent on Dane's work computer thanking Piers for wonderful hetro sex and apologizing for having to 'sneak around like a common burglar.'

Dane refused to comment on his removal or relationship with Piers, but people close to him believe he may be ready to come out and live openly in California as a heterosexual. D'Antonio was dismissive. "I don't believe it. He's just trying to shock people."
(Image: dinnerideasfortwo.net)

POLL: Parking Meter 44, Obama 39

2011-06-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

A new Marist/McClatchy poll shows that if the 2012 presidential election were held today an ordinary parking meter would defeat President Obama by 5 points. In a hypothetical match-up, forty-four percent of registered voters said they would elect a parking meter over President Obama. Thirty-nine percent stated they would reelect President Obama with 17 percent undecided. This recent sampling represents a diminished gap for the President who led the same poll in January 56 to 38. Independents broke for the parking meter 68 to 24 percent. Among Democrats, the President retained a solid lead of 47 percent with 31 percent voting for the parking meter, 9 percent voting for Dennis Kucinich, 4 percent selecting Kathy Griffin and the rest undecided. (Image: 19thwardchicago.blogspot.co

Weiner Battles Demons, a Kangeroo

2011-06-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - On leave of absence from congress due to sexual obsessions, Anthony Weiner (Dem. NY 9) is undergoing an unorthodox treatment centered around aversion therapy and confronting his demons. Sources inside the Brooklyn Center for Psychiatric Wellness would not comment on the record but stated unofficially that Weiner faces severe obstacles. "He's extremely narcissistic," said one source. "Our first task was to get the congressman to stop disrobing and photographing himself." In order to break Weiner of the habit he was dressed in a large clown costume and made to wear boxing gloves. Despite the difficulty involved, Weiner persisted and doctors resorted to aversion therapy, compelling the veteran congressman to fight a kangeroo. "Weiner is very sarcastic," explained the source,"but you can't hurt a kangaroo's feelings. It'll just keep hitting you no matter how cutting your remarks." Badly trounced, Weiner stayed dressed for an entire day.

Encouraged by the progress, doctors then invited him to confront his demons. But results were mixed. Said the source, "The demons are pure spirit so you can't see them, but they'd taunt Weiner and ask him to Twitter Hell. Sometimes they'd loosen screws on chairs so anyone sitting down would fall on his butt. Weiner tried over talking the demons and making snarky remarks about how they were damned and would spend eternity cut off from green jobs. But the demons laughed and rapped on the wall. One of them tried tapping out the drum solo from 'In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.' I only know that because my grandfather once played an Iron Butterfly CD for me."
(Image: Martin Bosque)

Expert Reports Arizona Fire 'Hot Enough to Burn Things'

2011-06-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

GREER, AZ - As flame creep toward the town of Luna, New Mexico a federal firefighting expert has weighed in on the Wallow wildfire proclaiming it exceptionally 'hot.' "It's not a word I throw around lightly," said Mason Arns, a member of the President's Council on Firefighting. "But after studying televised pictures and listening to firefighters comment, and journaling my impressions, I'm prepared to state this fire is clearly hot enough to burn even large things." Arns felt the wind-driven blaze could best be battled with a combination of water, fire retardant, and backfires. "These are all actions I've read about in the Washington Post and I'm certain they're the correct ones to knock this baby down." Arns hoped no one touched the fire or placed aerosol cans close to the blaze. "What good would it do? None, that I can think of. Plus this is a very hot fire, so be guided by that."
(Image: (phillips.blogs.com)

Palin Received Email from Nigerian Prince

2011-06-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sifting through Sarah Palin's emails, delighted reporters at the New York Times announced they'd discovered communication between the former governor and a Nigerian Prince. Said editor Joel Kniep, "This is clearly an illegal act between a sitting governor and a foreign power. By ignoring the State Department and conducting her own foreign policy, Palin may have violated numerous federal laws." Kniep admitted the Times has yet to uncover any response by Palin to the Nigerian, who asked for her bank routing number in order to send her several million dollars. However Kniep was confident, "Where there's smoke there's fire," then added sarcastically, "I wonder if she could see Lagos from her house?" The email sifting is part of an ongoing media enterprise involving readers and volunteer journalists engaged in studying 24,000 of the former Alaska governor's communications released last Friday. "We always ask readers to help us find interesting nuggets in public documents," said Kniep. "So this is just another impartial document search by the press, same as we do to everybody. Besides, the public has a right to know how much Nigerian money Palin received, when she received it, and what portion she donated to right-wing groups such as the NRA or the Church of Satan."
(Image: csmonitor.com)

President Appoints Blue Ribbon Panel to Run Presidency

2011-06-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

TOLEDO, OH - Citing the need to devote himself to reelection, President Obama has announced the formation of a blue ribbon panel to run the remainder of his presidency. The President made the surprise announcement while touring a Chrysler factory, stating "there are those who wish me to stay bottled up in Washington until after 2012. To them I say, 'I will run again. I will sign thick complicated laws again. I will be president until 2016 again.'" While details on the panel's composition remain vague, there are indications the board will include former SEIU union boss Andy Stern, radical priest Fr. Michael Pflegler, former White House environmental advisor Van Jones, and Miley Cyrus. The board will have all presidential powers including nuclear codes and pardons. The POTUS Panel will be expected to handle rising unemployment, inflation, the debt ceiling, several wars, and the 2012 March Madness tournament brackets. (Image: decorativepackingingblog.com)

Begala Claims Weiner Photo Part of Big Tent Policy

2011-06-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Last night CNN political analyst Paul Begala defended Congressman Anthony Weiner, claiming any photo Weiner may have sent represented a Democratic big tent strategy. Said Begala, "I'm thinking it may have been voter outreach on Weiner's part." A former Clinton administration operative, Begala stated Democrats have always been more inclusive. "We welcome everyone to our party, including 21-year-old hotties. Believe me, if I learned anything working for Bill Clinton, it's that maybe we welcome co-ed hotties more than other group on earth."

President Names July in Honor of Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-And-Beaten-With-French-Bread

2011-06-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having proclaimed June LGBT Pride month, the White House announced the remaining slate of this summer's official months beginning with July's dedication to Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread. Below is a brief passage from a leaked version of the upcoming Presidential Proclamation.

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
————————————

For Immediate Release June 2, 2011

Men-Who-Liked-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month July 2011

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
A PROCLAMATION

Forty years have passed since a man who enjoyed being bound with a variety of restraints then struck on the back with long loaves of French Bread was arrested—along with a female companion—in a seedy motel outside Gallup, New Mexico and tried under once-popular cruelty-to-food laws. In the decades since then, Gays, Lesbians, Bi-sexual and Transgendered Americans have advanced in public life while members of the MWLTBTUABWFB community have remained cut off from the main stream, separated by misunderstanding, ignorance, and the obstinacy of bakers' unions.

But today, due in no small part to raising every sexual act, variation and fetish to the level of a civil right, MWLTBTUABWFB members are finally living lives of dignity and pride. Members are participating openly in society alongside fellow Americans who will be sued, denounced as 'haters' and harassed if they express any opinion other than joyful grinning acceptance. My administration, within the first hundred days, appointed a MWLTBTUABWFB member to the Department of Agriculture as Undersecretary in Charge of Alternative Food Uses Other Than Ethanol.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim July 2011 as Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to break the crust of bigotry and reduce discrimination to a few paltry crumbs easily swept up by a unionized janitorial staff.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of July, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.
BARACK OBAMA

August is dedicated to Leather Studded Masks with Gag Balls while September will be Golden Shower Appreciation Month.

Weiner Seeks OJ Help in Locating Phantom Hacker

2011-05-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following testy remarks to reporters, Congressman Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., announced he is seeking help from O.J. Simpson in locating the unknown person who hacked his Twitter account and sent a photo—allegedly of Weiner's junk—to a 21-year-old co-ed. Said Weiner, "I'm asking for assistance from the one man who has shown the determination to clear his name no matter the cost or time."

Simpson is currently serving 33 years in Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center. Nevertheless, Weiner stated O.J.'s dogged 13-year pursuit of his wife Nicole's killer inspired him to seek counsel from a man who knew what it felt like to have evidence stacked up against him. "It didn't matter," snapped Weiner, "O.J. battled to find the real perpetrator and clear his name right up to the moment they convicted him for robbery and kidnapping."

Weiner layed out his reasoning. "Someone sent a picture of a man's pup tent to this chick I used to follow on Twitter named Gennette Cordova and whom I'm not going to talk about. Probably some creep like Andrew Breitbart. Well, I want this phantom hacker nailed. I want the person who jepordized my marriage nailed. I want the person trying to ruin my political career nailed."

Weiner pointed out that, like any crime victim, he immediately refrained from filing a police report and lawyered up. "This is just common sense. Now I want my good name back and the best way is to privately track down the real perpetrator just like O.J. did for all those years. I'm hoping he has some great tips."
(Image: theyeshivaworld.com)

Hollywood Misplaces Pro-Iraqi War Films

2011-05-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Memorial Day, a sheepish Hollywood establishment admitted they had accidentally lost all films depicting the military in Iraq and Afghanistan in a positive light. "We could only find the films showing G.I.'s as either brain-dead killers or victims of George W. Bush and his criminal policies," said MGM studio exec. Seth Lane. Lane pointed to films such as Green Zone, In the Valley of Elah, Grace is Gone, Redacted and Lions for Lambs as negative examples of Americans fighting in a post-9/11 world.

"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
(Image: newbusters.org)

Empathetic Gore Ingests Polar Bear DNA

2011-05-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

HUDSON BAY, CANADA - Concerned over the possible shrinking of the polar bear population and determined to bring their plight to the world's attention, Noble Prize winning environmentalist Al Gore has ingested polar bear DNA. This dramatic move has given the Oscar winning filmmaker the head and arms of an adult polar bear along with a voracious appetite for seal meat. "A bear I am and a bear I will remain until we stop global warming," said Gore through Lisa Maple-Kweelo, an interpreter who claimed to be a bear whisperer. Maple-Kweelo believes polar bears are drowning because the Arctic ice cap is melting due to climate change—a colder form of global warming. She went on to explain that "no one asked the former vice-president to acquire the head and arms of a polar bear. And for that matter, no one asked for him to return to human form. We simply accept this transformation as part of his Goreness." Maple-Kweelo felt Gore was fine provided he was fed raw meat with a high blubber content. "If he doesn't get that he'll hunt and devour a household pet, then the air will be filled with the keening of children."

Welcome Martin Bosque!

2011-05-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

Martin Bosque has joined the INI staff as head of the Art Department. We welcome Martin and hope that his photo shop notions educate and amuse the vast horde of INI readers, often numbering in the dozens.

Bin Laden Alive in Song

2011-05-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

He'll always be with us the way something that falls off a boat into the sea is always present in a limited sense.

Cannes Film Festival Kidnapped by Aliens, World Okay

2011-05-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

CANNES, FRANCE - Stunned onlookers reported a vast alien space craft descended over the city and fired a ray of unknown origin that engulfed the entire 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival. The monstrous spacecraft, reported to be triangular in shape, used the ray to suck the film festival inside its hull then rapidly ascended, vanishing into the clouds. Among the missing are Sean Penn, Woody Allen, a number of French directors and many artistic sophisticates from across the globe. Reaction among the world's populations has ranged from cautious optimism to a hard-to-pin-down happiness.

In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)

President Views Rapture as Tax Dodge, States He is Already Here

2011-05-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama scoffed at rumors of a Christian rapture taking place tomorrow, stating that he is already present on Earth, walking among Mankind, thus there is no need for believers to be carted off to Heaven ahead of tribulation. "Whatever happens, I will be present to ensure that no harm comes to those who have faith in my judgement above their own." According to White House sources, the President has privately stated that anyone allowing spiritual forces to convey them was probably attempting to avoid paying their lawful share of taxes. Said Aaron Zorn, White House special assistant, "We don't have a ruling from Treasury yet, but the President feels strongly that divine intervention, conducted without consulting him first, is probably a Christian attempt to dodge 2011 taxes and will blow a hole in the deficit." According to Zorn, the President laughed at the idea that anyone would prefer a heaven over the paradise he is building on earth. "I am here, putting forth my polices and programs that will help my needy. But let those go who doubt my sincerity. Too bad they're gonna miss out on high speed rail and all the green jobs." Image: newstechnica.com)

HHS Exempts All Democrats From Obamacare

2011-05-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Weary of issuing waivers for service unions and cool nightclubs in liberal districts, the Department of Health and Human Services has decreed a blanket exemption for all Democrats from any provision of President Obama's health care plan. "Our waiver process operates under the assumption that no one who runs a business wants this health care plan hung around their neck," said Kate Benson, spokesmen for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "So then how do you decide who gets a waiver? We'll if you happen to be an expensive restaurant in Congresswoman Pelosi's district, that's an automatic waiver. Same for any union anywhere. But what of other businesses? How should one decide?" Benson stated that by exempting all Democrats based on DNC donations for the 2012 presidential race, HHS had a clear view of whom to waiver. "Our job is so much easier," said Benson, a satisfied tone in her voice. "Now that all the good people are exempted it leaves only the greedy and selfish. However, if they wish to donate to any of the fine Democratic candidates preparing to run in the next election cycle, then they [businesses] are, by definition, 'good' and would qualify for a waiver. It's sad when people make this process more complicated than it needs to be."
(Image: podcyprus.com)

White House Transparency Witness Disappears

2011-05-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An evasive White House witness defending the administration's transparency policy vanished from the midst of a congressional hearing, leaving onlookers stunned. "One minute, he's right there," said House staffer Adam Dantonio. "The next second poof! gone; like a magic act." Security checked the floor and seat where the witness, White House aide Daniel Gordon, had been seated invoking confidentiality in response to congressional questions regarding a presidential transparency order. Said Dantonio, "Security couldn't find any trapdoors or flash palm smell. Then they checked the ceiling for a harness, but that didn't play out." Dantonio and others speculated that Gordon was so slippery he may have slid out quietly without attracting attention. "He [Gordon] was like a snake dipped in baby oil. You couldn't get a grip on him. He might have easily oozed from the room. Is there a comic book character who can turn into a slick liquid? If there isn't, someone should draw one and call it 'Gordon Man.'"
(Image: tribuneindia.com)

Syrian, Chinese Cops Praise Indiana Supreme Court Decision

2011-05-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Police states around the world have hailed an Indiana Supreme Court ruling that citizens have no right to resist unlawful police entry into their homes. "At last, a modern common-sense decision," said Adad Al Hamwi, sniper for Syria's National Security Directorate. Al Hamwi took a moment out from shooting demonstrations in the southern Syrian city of Daraa to comment on the 3-2 decision. "By placing the blame for violent escalation firmly on citizens, the Indiana court has freed up the police to be dynamic and creative. Where is the fun in police work if anyone can defend their home? You couldn't kick in a door, or try out a new battering ram, without some criminal hiding behind this insane American 4th Amendment." Al Hamwi squeezed off two quick shots, dropping a sign-waving protester over two-hundred meters away. "You see the danger I was just in? That sign could put out an eye. That's why it's better for police to have all the rights."

Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

2011-05-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)

Bin Laden Watched Reruns of 'Moesha'

2011-05-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Government officials today released several videos captured from Osama Bin Laden, including a tape of the late terrorist leader watching DVDs of cancelled UPN series, Moesha. According to a translation provided with the tape, Bin Laden asks someone offscreen why Moesha, played by Brandy Norwood, doesn't have numerous children as she appears to be 'fertile as a river delta.' The series which ran from 1996 to 2001 was apparently a Bin Laden favorite along with MSNBC prime time newscasts. In an interesting twist, Bin Laden believed MSNBC was actually an Al Jazeera news parody program like the Daily Show where actors mocked and criticised former President Bush for several hours a night.

But the strangest tape showed Bin Laden arguing with a camera operator as they attempted to film an infomercial for something called The Beard Club for Men. Bin Laden holds up an unlabeled plastic tube filled with liquid. The camera operator complains that without a label the liquid—thought to be a beard thickener—won't 'read.' Bin Laden argues they need the close up for a split screen image they'll build in post showing both the liquid and Osama sporting a rich luxuriant beard fluttering like a flag. Bin Laden explains he'll then voice over, 'I'm not just the Beard Club president, but I'm also a client by the will of Allah, may the prophet be praised. Now shoot it the way I want or you're scorpion meat.'

Other tapes consist of short vignettes including one of Bin Laden playing a joke on a guard by putting Nair in the man's turban.
(Image: vidiot.com)

Al Qaeda Pilgrims Perish Seeking Bin Laden Resting Place

2011-05-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

ARABIAN SEA - Nineteen Al Qaeda pilgrims are believed drowned after leaping from a cargo vessel in an attempt to worship at the burial spot of executed terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Deposited into the ocean by U.S. Special Operations Forces following a brief ceremony, Bin Laden's remains are believed occupying an undisclosed location on the bottom of the Arabian Sea.

Captain Hobart Langke of the cargo ship S.S. Flan reported today that he took aboard nineteen Al Qaeda fighters in the port of Aden who wished passage to Bin Laden's "shrine." According to the fighters, the undisclosed burial spot had been declared a holy shrine by the Grand Mullah of South Mecca, a less holy shrine in its own right built to handle overflow crowds from the original, much holier, Mecca.

"I was very frightened," said Langke. "They had weapons and bombs and stringy beards with crackers and insects stuck in the hair. To them I say, 'The U.S. dumped the body in the sea. But where I don't know? And so they say, 'Hatred of Jew America and the Holy Koran will guide us.' And I say, 'Very well. That's 35 Euro a head—in advance.'"

After steaming several hours out of port, Langke stated the Al Qaeda pilgrims ordered him to stop all engines and drop anchor. Langke explains, "We're in the middle of nowhere and suddenly they all scream and burn an American flag and leaped overboard. It was like a pool party with a very unhappy ending. Later, I noticed several towels and ashtrays missing from the passenger lounge. I think they took them along when they jumped into the sea. Who benefits from that?"
(Image: hollywoodgo.com)

Army Helicopters Renamed After Radicals

2011-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

FORT CAMPBELL, KY - Times they are 'changing at the home of the 101st Air Assault Division as the army removes all Indian designations from helicopters and replaces them with the names of prominent American radicals. "Native American people are sick and tired of being singled out for war-like qualities," said Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs Larry Echohawk. "What of our chanting and casinos? And the worst offender is the U.S. Army and their insensitive Indian-themed helicopters."

Spurred by Native American criticism of 'Geronimo' as code name for Osama Bin Laden, President Obama informed the Secretary of Defense that Indian names had to go. After an exhaustive study, the President decided the aircraft should be designated after radicals he knew and admired. "Make no mistake," said the President. "Nothing frightens our foes or cheers our friends more than knowing that heavily-armed aircraft are overhead named after our most concerned, outspoken citizens."

Preliminary reports indicate that Blackhawk helicopters will now be called the MH-6M Bill Ayers. The Kiowa Warrior Scout Helicopter has been redesignated the Bell OH-58 Bernardine Dohrn, while the Apache Attack Helicopter will now carry the title AH-64A/D Saul Alinsky.

In addition, the Alinsky Attack Helicopter is undergoing a fundamental redesign. The new Alinksy will be programmed to label other American helicopters "racist haters" and encourage unwary aircraft to accept that label and attack them. According to the Department of Defense, future versions of all three choppers will include weapons software that fires automatically at corporations as well as individuals earning over $250,000 a year—excluding sports figures, Hollywood stars, and the Kennedys.
(Images: Warplanes Online Community and friendburst.com)

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I Mean, um, Is That All Right to Chant Now?

2011-05-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

Iowahawk muses over mercurial patriotism.
h/t: Little Miss Attila

Jubilant White House Wakes Joe Biden

2011-05-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ecstatic over the killing of Osama Bin Ladin, the White House took the unusual step of waking Joe Biden from his pre-noon nap and telling him the news. Initially, the Vice-President was so excited he freed a number of reporters locked in various closets by his staff. But soon the sleepy Biden was nodding, snapping his head up, dabbing at the drool rolling down his chin like a gentle mountain stream, before eventually returning to deep rem sleep. The White House denies the Vice-President is generally asleep, referring to Biden's state as 'dynamic meditation.' Whatever the term may be, sources were clear that the Vice-President would not be disturbed again except for standing alerts to inform him when the administration is out of power or he is required to assume the Presidency.
(Image: kqbr.com)

Bin Laden's Body Stuffed, Propped Outside NYC Bar

2011-05-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sources close to the White House state Osama Bin Laden's body has been flown to New York City, stuffed with straw, and placed outside Gorman's Tap, a tavern near the site of the World Trade Center. Said Gorman's manager Dan Carmichael, "We bid on it [the body] last week, beat out a carnival in Georgia, and had it delivered by UPS a few hours ago. We're charging a buck to be photographed with the skinny dead bastard." According to sources Bin Laden's body was prepared by a taxidermist who mostly works with tarpon. "He's [Bin Laden] got black beady marbles for eyes," said Carmichael, "and they put him on a wooden plaque. But that's Okay. He's where he's supposed to be."

UPDATE: Carmichael disputes the current 'buried at sea' meme zipping around the Web. "We take him [Bin Laden] in at night, but he's still here. Once the novelty wears off I'm giving him to my cousin in Queens. He's a got a barber shop and thinks a famous dead terrorist outside will help business. I'm not so sure, but I think Charlie Sheen is freaking hilarious, so what do I know?"
(Image: the peoplesvoice.org)

May Day Festivities Attract Bums and Old Commies

2011-05-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

ALLIANCE, OH - On this traditional day celebrating international labor activism, reports around the country indicate an unusually high turn out of tramps, winos, and aging communists nostalgic for the Pol Pot regime. Willa Martin, a former supervisor with the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles felt America needed a few years before the cities could be emptied out and Year Zero properly begun. "We're getting there,"grinned Martin, raising a clenched fist. "But it may take a few more elections." At a May Day Rally and Speech in Alliance, over 30 homeless men and nine well-dressed, elderly Marxists called for the repeal of the United States Constitution and its replacement with a worker's state granting all free access to taverns. "You must create with the material at hand," said Lawrence Merrick, a retired sociology professor. "The homeless wanted free access to bars, liquor stores, and saloons. So we added that plank. Then they wanted free Arby's 24/7. So we added that too. Alinsky would've understood."

Superman Kills Homeowner For Incandescent Bulb Use

2011-05-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a dark green twist for the Man of Steel, Superman will defend the Earth by killing a man using incandescent bulbs. According to insiders at D.C. Comics, who leaked the story and artwork, an upcoming Action Comics features Superman responding to a call for help from California Governor Jerry Brown and patrolling the Golden State, using x-ray vision to peer through roofs and locate people using banned incandescent bulbs.

While crossing high above Thousand Oaks, Superman spots a home burning incandescents. Furious, he lands and lectures the homeowner named Hicks and his family on the need to comply with California's green laws and use Compact Fluorescent Lights to forestall environmental apocalypse. There is an argument and Hicks tells the Man of Steel to mind his own business.

Bellowing 'It's my planet too!' Superman punches Hicks in the chest, killing him instantly and sending the man's heart sailing out his back and across the countryside, dripping blood before it lands in Nevada. (This is a marvelously inked sequence of panels and will probably win an Eisner Award.)

Superman then lectures the grief-stricken family on how failure to put planet over self always leads to tragedy. When Mrs. Hicks calls Superman 'a monster,' the costumed superhero sadly shakes his head. 'No, Ma'am. Green scofflaws like you are the real evil. Oh, and let's have those incandescents out by tomorrow, shall we?"

Said the anonymous D.C. source, "We have a stable of caring, concerned superheroes who, frankly, could be doing a lot more for environmental safety and a greener world. We hope Superman's actions are the first step in a dialogue that will eventually remove the stigma of homicide from acts of planetary self-defense."

Other D.C. characters will be joining Superman in upping the environmental ante. The source stated he'd seen an outline for a graphic novel in which Flash and Aquaman catch a man mixing plastic recycling with green waste and beat him to death with pipes.

Veternarian Discovers Cancer Cure, Media Focus on Royals

2011-04-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

WICHITA, KA - A rural veterinarian has discovered what may be a cure for all cancers as well as small pox and the mumps. The startling news came from scientists at the Center for Disease Control as well as officials at the Food and Drug Administration who have spent the last seven years testing a home-made drug accidentally created by rural veterinarian Hiram Ellis of Derby, Kansas.

According to an FDA spokesman, back in September 2003, Dr. Ellis, age 55, had been attempting to improve on standard medication for the livestock malady Brucellosis. Ellis experimented in a home-made lab he'd set up in an old tool shed behind his farmhouse. Using roots and simple chemicals, Ellis threw together a formula he hoped would check the cattle illness. However Ellis' formula was accidentally mixed into a drink of Tang and ingested by his elderly mother who suffered from small pox as well as a rare form of toe cancer. Within four days, both small pox and cancer had completely receded while dewlaps under Mrs. Ellis' arms tightened and didn't wobble so much.

Cautiously, Ellis worked with a local M.D., Dr. Clyde Hailey, to test other patients and discovered his creation eradicated cancer even in advanced stages as well as the mumps. In addition, the wonder drug mitigated, but would not eliminate, Plantars warts.

Despite CDC and FDA announcing total government approval, Ellis remains unknown and his discovery ignored by almost every major media outlet in the United States due to a conflict with the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. "Okay, so the guy did something big," said an NBC spokesman requesting anonymity. "But his discovery has nothing to do with the royals. Maybe if this Ellis lived in London we could've gotten a reaction to Catherine's dress. Then, if there were time, he could plug his medicine. But otherwise, how is it news?" (Image: The Rag Blog)

Syria Shoots Old Population, Buys New One

2011-04-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - After shooting their old population, the Syrian government has announced the purchase of a new population from Craig's List. "We're very excited and looking forward to getting everyone settled," said Ministry of Information spokeswoman Reem Haddad. "Of course, there are forms and bio data we must collect along with a written promise not to demonstrate ever. But once that is finished, people can move into the homes and apartments of the many criminals who once lived in Syria." Starting several weeks ago, the Syrian government began shooting demonstrators. Then they shot soldiers who refused to shoot demonstrators. Then they shot everyone who showed up at the funeral of someone who had been shot. "I was surprised when Security Forces told me they'd shot our entire population of gangsters and Jew spies," said Haddad. "And while the action was justified, there was no one left alive to make coffee or pick up dry cleaning or operate power stations." Haddad hoped the slaughter was over, but warned the government would not tolerate dissent. "We're hoping the new population doesn't go bad on us. But should they turn, there are millions of people leaving California. We'll stick up a few wind farms and give them an audition—so to speak." (Image: Yalibnan)

College Offers Degree in Falsifying Hate Crimes

2011-04-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

CHAPEL HILL, NC - In order to better foster diversity and multiculturalism, the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill is offering an undergraduate degree in Falsifying Hate Crimes. "Nothing creates a spirit of community, opens dialogue, and increases campus speech controls better than big fake hate crimes," said Professor Donald Shuster-Manque. Professor Shuster-Manque will head up the inaugural class, using teachable moments from Tawana Brawley and the Duke Lacrosse Players rape accusation. "Our goal is to graduate well-rounded students who can manufacture a hate crime, back up their phony allegations, attract the media, and eventually get Al Sharpton involved. This requires a diverse skill set including drama, marketing, psychology, and good old-fashioned lying-your-ass-off." In addition, students will learn the fundamentals of song writing, poetry and web design in order to spread the message that hate crimes are unacceptable unless they're falsified in order to increase awareness of hate crimes.
Image: stophate.org)

GOP Boasts of Future Cuts to Blimp Fleet

2011-04-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Facing anger from their base over paltry cuts of $352 million in actual 2011 spending, the office of House Speaker John Boehner has issued a press release pointing to bold reductions in the nation's civilian blimp fleet slated for 2014. In part, the release trumpeted a "mandatory rescission in rescission authority based on reappropriations to offset future fiscal years with something written in English but unknowable to ordinary taxpayers." Said Republican House spokesmen Walt Dryer, "As we clearly state in our release, the civilian blimp fleet will be cut by almost 4 million dollars three years from now. That's at least two hanger closings but not the factory that makes mooring lines. Those have been outsourced to Costa Rica but new orders will be severely curtailed." Created in 1942, the civilian blimp fleet was designed as a backup to the military's blimp force. Once handled by the Office of Domestic Airships, the civilian blimp program was folded into the Department of Commerce in 1997. Employing over 6,500 people at 11 hangers around the country, the CBF stands ready to inflate and pilot seven M class blimps should the military ever use blimps again and those blimps become disabled by enemy action. Critics have called the cuts "heartless" and "extreme,"stating they are part of the Republican Party's "War on Blimps."
(Image: goask.com)

U.S. Still Bombing Libya but Unsure Why

2011-04-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - With NATO in command, American F-16 fighters have bombed Libya three times in the last ten days but are unsure exactly why. According to NATO spokesmen Peers Maggette, "American jets are operating with French and British jets in a choreographed affair of bombs. It is imperative that we ruffle the sand so no one will suspect we lack power to intervene in a battle between a brutal dictator and some other fellows." Citing the humanitarian nature of the mission, Maggette was unable to explain why NATO is bombing Libya but not Sudan, Congo, or Syria. "It is gauche to clutter foreign policy with consistency or reason. This has nothing to do with European oil and everything to do with something else."

Where Our Economy is Headed

2011-04-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

Best to educate yourself and plan ahead.
(Image: bumwine.com)

GOP Budget Deal Forces Dems to Hand Over Magic Beans

2011-04-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As more details emerge, it appears the Republican Party backed the Democrats into a corner on the budget deal, winning cuts of less than 15 billion in exchange for a handful of magic beans. "They really scalped us," said White House spokesman Neil Ferris. "John Boehner is an absolute crack negotiator. I can't tell you how painful it was to hand over those valuable magic beans." Originally billed as winning 38.5 billion in cuts and eliminating several Czars, the budget deal now turns out to have cut virtually nothing—thanks to federal sleight-of-hand accounting tricks—and that the Czars in question were already gone. Nonetheless, the Republican leadership crowed over winning the beans. "They really are hotties," said a source close to House Speaker Boehner. "John [Boehner] is going to plant them tonight on the Mall. I'll bet by tomorrow a big beanstalk grows and we'll get a golden harp and sacks of regular gold and use that to save the country from trillions in debt." Ferris expressed fear for the future. "We've still got the debt limit vote coming up as well as the 2012 budget. With the Republicans on a roll like this, I don't know what we'll give them if they demand more cuts. All we have left is an old lamp."

Kloppenberg Victory Caps Sell On eBay

2011-04-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

MADISON, WI - Ball caps reading 'WI Supreme Court Judge Kloppenberg Champ 2011' are available for purchase on eBay. "Sure, there may be a recount and all," said Wayne Gessler, aide to the assistant attorney general who declared herself winner with 204 votes before 7,500 votes were discovered for her incumbent opponent, "but it doesn't look good. Besides, we're gonna need money to pay for lawyers and challenges and pizza. Hopefully, our Kloppenberg victory gear will bring in a few bucks." In addition to the ball caps, there are Kloppenberg victory jerseys, barbecue aprons, pot holders, and a JoAnne Kloppenberg bobble head. Gessler states all the items are reasonably priced and durable. "They're union made," said Gessler, "so there's that."
(Image: dt)

Cheap Things to Do in NYC

2011-04-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Despite being overtaxed and overpriced, New York features numerous activities that savvy tourists may enjoy for little or no money. Here's a quick list for your next Big Apple vacation.

Walk into Radio City Music Hall and view the wreckage of Charlie Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Show.

Order fries in a McDonald's and have them checked by Food Police, ensuring you're only eating as much salt as NYC public bureaucrats allow.

Go in winter and follow a tort lawyer around as he collects lawsuits from pedestrians who have slipped, fallen, or are deemed to have slipped and fallen on icy sidewalks.

Visit the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and take a virtual bank-bailout tour, illustrating how a proud, vigilant Fed watched quietly as greed and hapless government policies collapsed the economy.

Riker's Island Tour operates 24/7 but won't start until you throw a Slurpee on a cop. Then you're in the pipeline for a boat trip to a genuine prison island that's said to modeled after a John Carpenter film.

Porn Industry Concerned Over Government Shut-Down

2011-04-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

VAN NUYS, CA - Internet porn producers fear a drop-off in traffic should the government close up shop. "They're our best customers," said Marty Zeefer, vice-president of Jugathon Productions. "There isn't a day goes by that a .gov computer isn't locked onto one of our sites for 20, 50, 170 minutes or more a visit. Government workers are number one at signing up for premium services and following numerous links to our affiliate sites. They're loyal customers and I'd hate to see a drop-off." When asked why the same employees wouldn't use home computers to access the same sites, Zeefer explained. "I used to work for the SEC, so I know whereof I speak: there's nothing sweeter than eyeballing hard-core porn on the public nickel. You wouldn't want to do it at home. It cuts into your hobbies."

Lady GaGa CD to Contain Sexual References

2011-04-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a move that surprised many fans, pop sensation Lady GaGa has announced her latest CD will contain lyrics heavy with sexual references, sexual metaphors, sexual innuendo, and in-the-clear cries for sex. "You can't stand still," said music critic Adrian Hansen. "Lady 'G' is tired of singing chaste ballads about unrequited love. I think her new CD, Muffin Machine, will demonstrate the sensual side of a performer mostly known for subtlety and nuance." Rumors abound that the video sizzles as Lady GaGa discards the modest costumes of her previous efforts and embraces a new, bizarre, artsy look that insiders are calling 'Martian prostitute.' Hansen states that despite the new steamy approach Lady G songs will continue embracing a wide range of issues facing young people today. Titles on Muffin Machine include "I'm Baying For Your Hot Fun,""Lust Ramp," "Humping My Way Back to You,""Let's Swap STDs," and the touching number, "I'd Blow a Pony for Your Kiss." (Image: top eleven lists)

Muslims Riot Over 'Walk Like an Egyptian'

2011-04-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN - Shouting anti-U.S. slogans Muslims erupted into the streets, killing 14 more people over a translation of the 1986 Bangles hit 'Walk Like an Egyptian.' According to U.N. worker Klaus Hibling, "From a loudspeaker, a mullah named Amanudin read a translation of the song in Dari and Pashto. He claimed the lyric 'doing the sand dance don't you know' was a mockery of Allah and all things Muslim. Amanudin cried that Allah would gobble up all believers in a ham pie if they didn't at once begin to burn and kill."

As crowds ransacked his apartment, Hibling hid in a shower stall knowing it wouldn't be searched. "The Koran expressly prohibits touching plastic shower curtains with fish on them." During the riot, Hibling said Amanudin continued to incite the crowd over the loudspeaker. "He said that the lyrics 'Foreign types with the hookah pipes say Ay oh whey oh' were code words for 'teach a Muslim woman to read.' He also said Debbie Petersen only did backing vocals and didn't even play drums. On that song they used a drum machine. I don't know about that." Hibling felt it was fortunate that Islam was a religion of peace and not some brutal creed with many followers who were murderous, hypersensitive illiterates. "If that were true, people could really get hurt."
(Images: Wickipedia & Fox News)

Lindsey Graham New Spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows

2011-04-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - When his senate days end Lindsey Graham has a new job lined up as spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows, thanks to his call for punishing Americans who burn a Koran. "When we heard a United States Senator asking a man be held responsible for torching a Muslim religious book, we knew he was our guy," said Kraft spokesman Arnold Holton. "Our 16 ounce package of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows are so soft and billowy that only a man with a similar spine could do the product justice." South Carolina Republican Senator Graham hasn't officially accepted the position, but Holton is confident Kraft will prevail. "You can't offer a senator money. But you can offer the one thing they crave more than anything—media face time. In any case, if Graham passes we can always get Chuck Schumer."
(Image: Meijer.com)

NEA: Koran Burning Okay if 'Art'

2011-04-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commenting on the slaying of U.N. workers by an Afghan mob over the burning of a Koran, the National Endowment of the Arts stated the desecration might have been acceptable if done as a work of art. "Not that we would ever sponsor such a thing, and speaking theoretically, had the Koran been burned as part of a performance art piece or symbolically to show the fierce fires religion can ignite, then it might, possibly, have been within the bounds of innovative art," said NEA spokesman Martin O'Hara. O'Hara believes Pastor Terry Jones made a mistake when he burned the holy book as an exercise in free speech. "I'm not a lawyer, but I think free speech only applies to torching American flags or dipping a crucifix in urine. There's a clear exemption for artifacts associated with a Religion of Peace." Asked if killing agnostic Europeans half a world away who had nothing to do with the incident seemed like a justifiable response, O'Hara paused thoughtfully. "I'm going to say 'yes' out of nuance and deep moral principle. Being called an 'Islamophobe' or getting slaughtered in public like an animal have nothing to do with my answer."

New White House Mandate: Wind-Powered Fighting Vehicles

2011-04-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama's green vehicle directive has been expanded to include the U.S. Army which must convert its Bradley Fighting Vehicles (BVFS) to wind-power. In a speech last week, the President stated the entire federal fleet must consist of clean energy vehicles by 2015 and that included the Army. "Our future kinetic military actions must demonstrate to friend and foe alike this nation's commitment to sustainable energy."

According to Army spokesman Major Tom Alexander, the White House believed that since the Army often fights in deserts and other windy places, a propeller driven vehicle would make the most sense as well as leaving hardly any carbon footprint. "We're beginning with the M3A3 Cavalry version of the Bradley," said Maj. Alexander. "After removing the fuel tank and engine, a large propeller will be added on a tower fixed above the turret and only slightly impeding the firing of TOW and Dragon anti-tank missiles."

Abrams Tanks and Humvees will await retro-fitting pending field tests of the new green Bradleys under combat conditions in Afghanistan. "Should the wind die down consistently stranding vehicles in hostile locations, then we'll look into alternatives," said Alexander. "At present, that would involve purchasing a Nissan Leaf and fitting it with a 25mm Bushmaster Chain Gun. But I hope it doesn't come to that."
(Image: globalsecurity.org)

Perez Hilton Pens 'The Little Helium Boy'

2011-03-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has authored a new children's book about a young boy filled with helium. According to Hilton, its a story about the unpleasant consequences of non-acceptance. A young boy stuffed full of helium wants attention so he draws crude, disgusting pictures of his classmates with male sexual organs sticking out their mouths and butts or cocaine smeared around their lips. When the kids complain, the little boy erupts in rage and calls them 'heliumphobic'—a bad word that means 'abnormally afraid of helium.' The Little Helium Boy also investigates their allowances to discover how much and who pays each kid every week. Eventually, the Little Helium Boy floats off into the sky where he draws male sexual organs sprouting from the mouths and butts of birds.

Aimed at ages 4 through 8, The Little Helium Boy contains blunt sexual images as well as simulated drawings of narcotics and a very graphic pop-up section.

Bikini Brawler Inspires 'UFC with Fries'

2011-03-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

LAS VEGAS, NV - In a desire to cash in on a viral video, mixed martial arts giant Ultimate Fighting Championship has announced a new cable series where MMA matches occur in a ring designed to look like a Florida Burger King. Called UFC with Fries, the series will feature an arena with a stainless steel counter, napkin dispensers and several uniformed employees, one of whom will be an MMA-trained fighter. "Fast food brawls are hot right now but they're amateur hour—poorly shot and lacking promos," said UFC spokesman Jerry Crawford. "We're gonna dial things up a notch."

In addition to the venue, another new wrinkle would involve introducing only a single combatant. Crawford explained: "If referee Big John McCarthy introduces, oh, say, Stephan Bonnar. Bonnar enters the arena, jumps up on the counter and starts trashing the place. However one of the "employees" is actually, say, Forrest Griffin. The next thing Bonnar knows, he's being choked out by the soda machine."

Crawford was excited at the partnering options presented by UFC with Fries. "One week the arena could look like a Taco Bell while the next week could be Hardee's. Then there's merchandising like foam rubber napkin dispensers kids can throw at home." Depending on the success of the new series, Crawford said UFC is searching for a Charlie Sheen vehicle. "We're in talks with his people right now, but there are worries about overexposure. There's a shelf life for the professionally dysfunctional and Charlie could be edging past his."
(Image: Deseret News)

Libyan War Good For Calorie Reduction

2011-03-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked summary of the President's speech tomorrow night states that weight loss will be included as a rationale for the new conflict. Said media analyst Len Parrish, "The summary mentions that losing calories, while not the sole reason for the Libyan attack, factors in heavily." Parrish adds that the First Lady's War on Childhood Obesity is included among the reasons President Obama launched air and missile strikes against Libyan forces. According to the summary, the President's speech will reference a Department of Agriculture claim that tension levels in combat and combat support units often lead to a loss of appetite, thus a slimmer, leaner military. In addition, civilian worries about loved ones in harm's way can act as a catalyst for a common-sense weight reduction program.

Parrish claims Administration sources will use tomorrow's night's speech as a springboard for a new government program: Drop Bombs and Pounds. Under the guidance of the First Lady and the USDA, the program will build upon themes contained in the speech to convince the American people that three wars going at once can be a positive weight loss step. In the near future, Drop Bombs and Pounds will advertise heavily on TV and the Internet promoting catch phrases such as:

War Actually Is Quite Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

No Calories For Corn Oil

Don't Let a Crisis Go to Waist
(Image: fresh! healthy vending)

Biden Staff Claim Reporter Asked to Be Imprisoned in Closet

2011-03-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Staff members of Vice-President Joe Biden have come out swinging after news surfaced that they'd confined a reporter at a fund-raiser to keep him from interviewing high-profile guests. "We would never keep anyone imprisoned, in a closet or a dungeon or anywhere, unless they specifically asked for such treatment," said Marty Fulmer, long-time Biden aide. According to Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers, he was sent to the home of Democratic billionaire Alan Ginsberg in Winter Park, Florida to cover a Biden fund raising speech for Democratic Senator Bill Nelson.

But the Vice-President's staff didn't fancy Powers interviewing any of the 150 guests who'd paid $500 apiece. So Powers was placed in a closet with a staffer standing guard outside. However Fulmer contradicted Powers' account, "To the best of my knowledge, Powers requested to be kept in a closet with a guard outside because he was dizzy. Don't make a big thing out of this. It's not like the Vice-President's motorcade killed another person."

Powers claims to have been released to cover the Vice-President's speech, then re-closeted while the guests departed. Another Biden staffer, Georgia Lanning, tried to place the matter in perspective. "You have to understand that staff members are regularly called upon to secure the Vice-President in a locked room especially when he forgets to take his anti-lunacy medicine. It's just routine."

But Marty Fulmer remained angry. "'Let's say, for example, we really did keep a reporter in a closet with a guard outside. It's not like we're Dick Cheney's staff. So how can it be wrong, let alone news?"
(Image: Drudge Report)

Earth Hour To Feature Outer Darkness, Wailing, Gnashing of Teeth

2011-03-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

SEATTLE, WA - This year's Earth Hour offers a new wrinkle, asking everyone to 'go beyond the hour' and spend 120 minutes outside in a dark place, wailing and gnashing their teeth. "There's something very poetic about that," said Mila Husting, a local Earth Hour organizer. The global event, scheduled for March 26 at 8:30 PM local time, has traditionally asked individuals and businesses to switch off all lights for one hour to signify awareness of global warming. But Hustings felt the action too tame and safe. "We want everyone experiencing the same anguish as our planet."

After stressing the need for participants to dress sensibly for local conditions, Husting conceded that two hours was a long time to wail. "We've held several workshops and people run out of gas quickly. That's why we've including Earth Sayings." Hustings explained that 'Earth Sayings' were proactive statements the earth would utter if it could talk during Earth Hour. The activities are ways to 'green up' a local environment. The idea is for participants to wail a few minutes, cry out an Earth Saying, perform the suggested action, then return to wailing. Earth Saying examples include:

"Owww, electric light hurts my eyes. Someone please break that street lamp."

"My earth skin hurts from coal mining. Dig a hole right here, right now and relieve the pressure with a potted plant."

"My earth tummy is full from so much trash. Please take other people's garbage home with you and make it taste good for me. Collect some now."

"And let's not forget teeth gnashing," added Hustings. "Many people just go 'grrrr' like a dog with a rag. We're asking everyone to really grind their teeth in rage and anguish—unless they have loose dentures or a note from a dentist."

Hustings felt it could take years for this form of 'green empathy' to catch on. "There's an initial fear of appearing silly and odd. But once we assure people they're saving the planet by sitting in the dark and baying like mourners at a Chinese funereal then they dive in big time." (Image: Earth Hour)

Raffle Held for Leadership of Libyan War, New Car

2011-03-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - With NATO balking at Operation Odyssey Dawn, the Obama administration has announced a raffle with the winner receiving leadership of the Libyan war plus a 2009 Chevy Volt. According to NATO spokesman Giles Vanden Bergh, "Turkey is upset and Germany is also upset. And the Arab League has reversed itself like a crazy man walking backwards. So Washington has asked all NATO members except Germany, Turkey and the U.S. to pick a number between one and 25. That number will be placed in a hat in the Pentagon. Then a number will be drawn. The winner will hopefully assume leadership for coordinating the no-fly zone and maybe have a broad plan of some kind." To sweeten the deal, the White House is throwing in a free 2009 Chevy Volt. With Crystal Red Metallic trim coat and a neutral-with-black-accent interior, the Volt is an LT model and will include an iPod containing an uplifting speech by Michelle Obama to overweight children. Vanden Bergh was ambivalent about the situation. "If Estonia wins the raffle, then we must do what they say. But then someone would finally be in charge. So there's sweetness among the bitters." (Image: Autosavant)

Outrage Greets California Tax on Grooviness

2011-03-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

SACRAMENTO, CA - With support eroding for his plan to close a $27 billion dollar shortfall, Governor Jerry Brown ran into a firestorm of opposition over his proposal to tax grooviness. Defined as "a hip mellowness extending into all things including long periods of unemployment and drug arrests," grooviness has long been seen as a basic human right by a majority of Californians. "Why don't they tax the 15 Republicans still in the state?" said Sky Hamilton, a life coach. "Let the rest of us do our thing which changes frequently."

Carlos "Oye Como Va" Suarez, a pot holder salesman, felt the tax unfairly targeted really cool Californians. "Here we are, kicking back, going with the flow and they want to tax that? Those are the very things that put Jerry Brown in office and made this state what it is today."

Bartok "Loaf" Cummings, a licensed begging instructor, pointed out a flaw in anti-tax arguments. "If someone is really laid back, they'd be down with a tax. It's like a certificate that says you're officially cool. What could be groovier?" (Image: My Opera)

'Glee' Creator Slams Slim Whitman

2011-03-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the latest round of Ryan Murphy vs. the Music Industry, the creator of the hit TV series Glee has savaged Slim Whitman after the retired country star declined to allow Murphy to license Whitman's 1952 hit "Indian Love Song." Fine," snapped Murphy. "But if he [Whitman] says 'no' to Glee then he's saying 'no to arts education in America. I just hope Mr. Whitman knows that without arts education children will be struck with pipes and burned alive in wicker cages. That's how vital it is." A spokesman for the 87-year-old Whitman declined comment.

Murphy has lashed out at groups such as Kings of Leon and the Foo Fighters for similar refusals and stands by the arrangements his show applies to licensed songs "We can make Nine Inch Nails sound like ****ing Justin Bieber," said Murphy. "You think that's easy?"

Insiders state the network is concerned about Murphy's vindictive snarky responses to musicians who refuse Glee a music license. Nevertheless, Fox denies Murphy is currently engaged in feuds with conductor Sir Simon Rattle of the Berlin Philharmonic, and a man who plays the spoons on Sunset Boulevard.

via Memories64

Obama Issues Letters of Marque and Reprisal

2011-03-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress expressed outrage after President Obama issued letters of marque and reprisal to several golfing friends who own yachts. Article One of the Constitution lists the issuing of such letters as one of the enumerated powers of Congress. But White House Spokesman Allen Kutler stated, "The President thought it was a really cool power so he just took it. He has authority through either an executive order or being Commander-in-Chief. He called me on a bad line and told me, but there was a party going on in the background so I'm not a hundred percent certain." Technically, the president's friends could use their yachts to attack and seize other vessels then have the ships sold in Admiralty Court and pocket the profit. Kutler laughed off such scenario. "Does Libya even have boats? Beats me. But you have to admit, it is a cool power. I'm not sure about the reprisal part. But the President has that power too so it's Okay." (Image: Wickipedia)

Nostalgic Man Visits Old Storage Locker

2011-03-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

BOULDER, CO - Driving up to the gate, Edward Vargas stopped, gazing at the fence. "Years ago they didn't have razor wire, just a nine-foot chain link fence. So that's new." After parking, the 40-year-old Vargas entered the office of the Rocky Mountain Storage Center. After 15 years, he had returned to take a peek at his old locker. Several minutes passed before Vargas convinced a puzzled Russian clerk that he didn't want to rent a unit, just visit his old one. At last Vargas and I took an elevator up to the second level. Feet echoing on the wooden floor, we walked down to a corrugated metal door No. 256. Secured with twin padlocks, the door resisted Vargas' half-hearted tugs. "Of course it's not going to open. You need a key. I was just hoping to see inside again." Seventeen years earlier Vargas had gotten married. His wife ordered him to dump all his old furniture including movie theater seats, an old Pac-Man video game and numerous boxes of cassettes including White Lion's Greatest Hits. "It was different back then. You got to know your locker neighbors. There was a really cute girl in No. 254. I tried flirting but both her parents had committed suicide and she was storing some of their old stuff so that went nowhere. It was all innocent anyway." According to Vargas, he visited his belongings for two years until his wife discovered a Rocky Mountain Storage Center invoice in a pair of his slacks. "She went nuts, hissing like a rat. 'I told you to pitch that crap two freaking years ago! What happened to my words? Did they bounce off your fat ears?' Blah, blah, blah. And my ears aren't fat." Finally compelled to empty the unit, Vargas occasionally drove past on his way to work as a fire extinguisher supervisor. Though the years lengthened, his memories never dimmed. "Those were formative times," said Vargas as we walked back toward the elevator. "Maybe in five years I'll try and get a reunion going; see if I can find 254 on Facebook. She might know where to find 258 and 263 and some of the others. We could meet in a bar. But no wives or husbands. Or is that creepy?" (Image: Frugal Reality)

Thanks to All

2011-03-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Much appreciation to Little Miss Attila, Stacy McCain, Protein Wisdom, POWIP and others for correcting a silly man and striking a non-satirical blow for satire.

Some Blood For Oil Okay

2011-03-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the start of hostilities against Libya, the White House has announced that some blood shed for the acquisition of oil is now perfectly fine and, in fact, the mark of a patriot. According to White House spokesmen Allen Kutler the previous phrase No Blood for Oil is now 'inoperative.' "That slogan grew out of the first Gulf War," said Kutler. "Unfortunately, that war ended before the slogan could be worked into effective chants and stenciled onto protest signs." Flash forward from 1991 to 2001 when George W. Bush attacked Afghanistan. "No Blood for Oil was dusted off and given a new lease. Then, with the invasion of Iraq, it went into overdrive. You'd think oil would be cheaper today since we grabbed so much of it from Iraq—that being the purpose of our invasion— but what do I know?" Kutler stated the slogan, repeated for years by tens of thousands of people, has worn the edge off the words. "No Blood for Oil is stale now, like an old rye crisp." Kutler feels the current air strikes against an oil-rich Muslim nation are completely different in every way. "This is good force and if a new regime is established in Libya and oil deals are signed, it's perfectly cool even if American military died in the process." Kutler would like to see pro-war demonstrators chanting Some Blood for Oil. "That would be very nice. Because then the President could give a speech and say, 'Yes We Can.'" (Image: Howard Besser)

Japanese Urged to Try Rioting

2011-03-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Frustrated by televised scenes of orderly Japanese waiting for water and other supplies, a New Orleans resident has urged the Japanese people to riot. "What are they waiting for?" said Charles Green, 41. "A written invitation?" Green felt that by refraining from looting and attacking fellow citizens the Japanese were missing out on a golden opportunity to shake loose some tension." Green referred to images of police helping Japanese victims instead of ransacking a store and fleeing with lap tops. "Short-sighted," said Green. "That's free stuff. Plus rioting is like a good long run. It releases what I call 'riot endorphins.'" Green hoped the U.S. government would dispatch self-absorbed, unruly Americans to Japan. "They could teach those Japanese to loosen up a little." Green thought Charlie Sheen would be a good choice as well as a large portion of the Wisconsin Teacher's Union. (Image: Snopes)

Charlie Sheen Stricken with 'Power Rangers' Villain Voice

2011-02-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Troubled actor Charlie Sheen has been diagnosed with a rare disease that causes him to speak like a villain in an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. If you listen to his tirade on the Alex Jones radio program he comes across like a kung fu bad guy," said Dr. Waylon Corning of Cedar Sinai Medical Center. Dr. Corning quoted Sheen's remarks re. Two and a Half Men show runner Chuck Lorre: 'Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.' "That's Malum Lingua Power Ranger," said Dr. Corning. "We don't see it often, but we know it when it pops up." Animation industry experts were quick to back up Dr. Corning's diagnosis. Said cartoon writer Chuck Lagarre, "Wishing [Chuck Lorre] 'nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon' is pure gold. I wish I'd written something that goofy and over-the-top." Dr. Corning stated there is little medical science can do to check Malum Lingua Power Ranger. "The best hope is to draw it all out. First digitally record his rants, then try and animate a character to them. Then build a show around that character. It could even be a big hit like Megamind, I bet." (Image: michellezive.com)

Wu Offers Insight into Libyan Crisis

2011-02-24T14:46:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congressman David Wu shared thoughts on the recent turmoil in Libya and other Mid-Eastern nations. INI spoke with the Oregon Democrat in his office. Wu was dressed in a very conservative tiger costume.

INI: Should the U.S. Navy be used to evacuate American nationals caught inside Libya?

WU: That's a provocative move and could increase tensions in the region. Why not send someone in a tiger costume? Most people are afraid of tigers and would flee, thus allowing our citizens to escape on a cute old ferry to Malta.

INI: Has the President's response to the crisis been tepid in you opinion?

WU: I think President Obama has behaved thoughtfully, though if he wore a tiger costume he would feel 'big cat power' in his loins and lower back. It would make him glow, take it from me.

INI: I noticed your staff are all dressed in deer costumes with fake antlers. Is there a wildlife-themed party of some kind taking place today?

WU: No. Not at all. Why would you think that?

INI: Our intelligence agencies are either performing poorly or not being heeded as the U.S. seems slow to react to fast-changing events. Your thoughts?

WU: Oh, roar! Roar-roar!

INI: Is there a reason you're jumping on that staffer's back?

WU: I have a hungry tummy and must feast.

INI: Thank you for your time, Congressman Wu.

WU: Don't thank me. Thank the Oregon voters. I represent them.

(Image: AP)

Lockerbie Bomber Requests Additional Time in Scottish Jail

2011-02-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - In the midst of nation-wide chaos, released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi has petitioned the British Government to rearrest him for terrorism. "My cancer is much better now," said al-Megrahi. "I should probably go back to Scotland and finish out my sentence for blowing up an aircraft and killing all those people." al-Megrahi insisted his desire to be confined in Britain had nothing to do with the crumbling regime of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and the serious fighting raging throughout the country. "I don't follow politics all that much," admitted al-Megrahi. "All I know is what I see on the TV at the gym." Sources state the British Foreign Service is open to the idea provided whoever ends up ruling Libya gives England cheap oil. Said senior diplomat Gonville Heap, "We are quite prepared to reincarcerate Mr. al-Megrahi or deny him entry to Britain. Our decision, of course, would be based on humanitarian principles or a desire for inexpensive oil that is a byproduct of humanitarian principles. Either way, we would appreciate if the Press would focus on humanitarian principles since, at root, that's what drives our policy viz a viz Mr. al-Megrahi. Of course, the families of Lockerbie victims are uppermost in our minds but they don't have any inexpensive oil, so, there."(Image: cdobs.com)

Republican War on Women Now Employing Artillery, Airstrikes

2011-02-20T12:56:00.000-08:00

TACOMA, WA - A baby shower in a private home was struck by three 122mm shells, demolishing the structure as the Republican Party upped the ante in its War on Women. "The women were at the part of the shower where they pass around a diaper with chocolate smeared inside," said Republican Party spokesmen Ken Allwhite. "We got most of them with the first two shells, then air burst a cluster round to finish off the wounded or anyone trying to flee with the bassinet." Since resuming control of congress this year, Republicans have intensified their attacks against women employing 122 and 155mm howitzers as well as air strikes using 'smart' munitions. Boasted Allwhite, "There was a Mary Kay party going on in Beaumont, Texas inside an apartment building. We quietly entered the structure and evacuated all the men before calling in an air strike." A B-2 bomber dropped a 2,000 pound JDAM bomb that obliterated the building, leaving behind only charred mascara wands. Allwhite says the use of heavier munitions has not replaced standard tactics. "Our sniper teams are still very active. They'll often bait a kill-zone outside a Bed Bath & Beyond with a book of wedding pictures." Eventually, Allwhite and the other Republicans hope to eliminate most women so as to stay out late drinking with their buddies. "We're not fanatics. If we kill all women, who will serve us beer?" (Image: airforce-magazine.com)

WI Democrats to be Fitted with Radio Collars

2011-02-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

MADISON, WI - Fleeing Wisconsin Democratic legislators are to be fitted with radio collars in order to monitor cross-boarder migrations. After signing an emergency executive order, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has sought the cooperation of the Illinois Department of Fish and Game in tagging the Senate Democrats who are believed to be wandering the prairies near Rockford. "If we get the call we'll treat 'em like any other creature," said wildlife veterinarian Barnes Willet. Willet had already worked out a plan of capture. "We'd bait by placing some kind of tax and regulatory regulation in a cage. Once they [Democrats] were snared we'd weigh and measure 'em, then fit each with a flexible radio collar." The collars emit a steady beep on a distinctive radio frequency as well as recording coordinates from a GPS satellite. In addition, the collars contain a switch that activates a double beep should the Democrat be inactive for eight to 12 hours. "That what's called a 'motel signal,'" said Willet. "It means the Democrat has gone to ground in a Best Western." Most expert agree that having Democratic legislators flee a state is a healthy sign, provided they aren't needed for a vote. Willet concurs. "It's best to let 'em roam wild. Before long, they'll have crows shrieking 'racism' and all the chipmunks unionized. Otherwise they nest in state capitols and its hell to dig 'em out."

Egypt Peacefully Transitions to Military Dictatorship

2011-02-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

CAIRO, EGYPT - Following the resignation of President Hosani Mubarak, pro-democracy demonstrators quietly watched as the military dissolved parliament and suspended the constitution. "We have gotten rid of an autocrat," said one demonstrator. "Egypt now has a military junta like many nations in South America." The government will report to the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces, who have vowed to hold free election in 'six months or more.'" According to Prime Minister Ahmed Shafiq, military leaders haven't threatened to shoot anyone should the nation not return to normality. "That's quite a big concession," said Shafiq. "This shows the army cares deeply and is very sincere." Crowds in Tahrir Square were heartened by the news. One man wept openly. "For years we were under the boot of a tyrant [Mubarak] and now we're ruled by the military who have promised not to shoot us. I'm so glad I have Twitter."

Ode to Spiderman the Musical

2011-02-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

A moving ballad on the backstage woes of Broadway's Spiderman.

Via AngryMusicMajor