Yard Leopard Provides Pet Owners Peace of Mind

INI ADVERTORIAL (Once again, INI has provided space to a responsible advertiser. These are different advertisers from the guys selling old mummies. We had some complaints about them. Please consider buying this important, different product. Our share of every purchase is minimal.)

How many times have you seen a telephone pole plastered with pictures of missing dogs and cats? In your heart, you know the only way they’ll ever be found is after passing through a coyote's tummy. Protected by strict laws in many states, these busy-tailed bandits have made themselves at home in our neighborhoods, chowing down on our four-legged friends. Well, if you love your little tabby or playful pooch, then fight pack by purchasing a fully-grown African leopard.

Smallest of the big cats, leopards have been hunting for thousands of years. They are fast, strong, and tree-climbing fools even with a mouthful of coyote. Let your leopard establish itself in the back yard and coyotes will soon be howling a different tune. Available in spotted or black colors; may be necessary to keep pets, children, and slow adults inside until after the leopard has sated itself. These predators are a steal at $3,998. Optional long iron gloves recommended for petting the animals.

Send a cashier's check for the above amount to: Yard Leopard c/o Niles Storage Center, Unit #201, 2447 Flaming Bum Road, Old Squaw, New Mexico, 87122. We are not the same as the guys selling mummies. Or if we are, we stopped once the leopard shipment arrived. In any case, order now and we'll throw in a free pig smeared with coyote musk just to get the ball rolling. (Image: 123rf.com)

(Video: molinarelisod)

Indian Mummies Make Great Green Gift Idea

 INI ADVERTORIAL (Occasionally, Interesting News Items contracts its space to responsible advertisers. Sometimes their fonts and spacing are odd. Don't be put off.)

Tired of buying carbon offsets for the relatives? Stay on their green side with an all-natural Indian mummy. These air-dried cadavers are over 9,000 years old and might’ve ended up in the foundation of a condo if we hadn’t stepped in. Now you can help preserve an ancient culture that believed the Earth was a holy entity created by a giant crow that spit. (Google “giant spitting crow” and learn more.) Each five-foot, three-inch mummy comes with the remains of hand-woven fabrics and part of a broken pot. They are perfect to mount in your car for those hectic days when you really need to use the Diamond Lane. Kids love ‘em, but careful as they crumble like month-old Wheat Thins. DNA tests are inconclusive so these mummies could be Paiute/Shoshone Native Americans, ancient Vikings, or aliens from beyond the Horsehead Nebula. No one is really sure, but we’re calling them Indians and so should you. A grave-robbing steal at $79.99. Note: We believe the Internet is an outdated teenage fade, already passing into the realm of painter pants and mood rings. So send a check made out to 'cash' (or cash itself) to Mummie-Dearest c/o Niles Storage Center, Unit #201, 2447 Flaming Bum Road, Old Squaw, New Mexico, 87122.  Supplies can’t last much longer. Dangerous curse optional. (Image: heritage-key.com)