Taxing Policy

Today at The Conservatory: only wonder will come from taxing California's affiliate marketers.
(Image: artsjournal.com)

Peter Orszag: 'Obama Pledged Not to Raze Texas'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Peter Orszag challenged the hearing of reporters, claiming President Obama never said a word about taxes during his 2008 campaign, instead referring to the state of Texas. "Candidate Obama was quelling an Internet rumor," said Orszag, White House Budget Director. "There was talk that, if elected, Obama would raze Texas in retaliation for the policies of George W. Bush. This would be a very costly and expensive action that might have burdened those making under $250,000 a year. To squash that rumor, the President firmly pledged not to raze Texas. Check out the You Tube campaign tapes, then go see an ear doctor. Nothing could be clearer."

NCAA Approves 4x400 Tax Code Relay

PALO ALTO, CA - Hoping to fan interest in track and field, the NCAA gave colleges the Okay to add a relay event using the income tax code. "Relay teams are used to handing off a light baton," said NCAA spokesman Jesse Momgwer. "Now a runner must circle the track until he's stacked all 20 volumes of Title 26 Code of Federal Regulations behind a teammate. Then a simple tap on the shoulder signals the next runner to grab a handful of books and fly." In a demonstration race held at Stanford, the Cardinal Men's 4x400-meter relay team squared off against the Oregon Ducks. Each team employed a different strategy. For the first leg, Standford's Garret grabbed two volumes under each arm and took off like a man stealing small pigs. But Oregon's Gillman stacked four volumes under his chin, then ran like a nerd in a library. Garret finished first, grabbed two more volumes and sprinted down the lane, eventually taking ten laps to deposit almost 17,000 pages behind the Cardinal second-leg runner. However the Duck's Gillman finished in eight laps, despite dropping a stack and badly bruising his foot. Eventually, Oregon edged out Standford, when Duck anchor man D'Quan James staggered across the finish line with the last volumes in just over 171 minutes and 16 seconds. Said Momgwer: "A normal 4x400 relay takes around 3 minutes and ten seconds so this event shouldn't lead-off a meet. But once the athletes stop dropping volumes and kicking them in frustration, we'll cut that time considerably. Overall, I think the combination of speed, strength, and strategy will make the 4x400 tax code relay a crowd favorite. And just wait until they add the health care stuff." (Photo: labelmaster.com)

IRS To Tax Multiple Personalities

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has ruled the IRS possesses statutory authority to tax any additional personalities living within schizophrenics or people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. "Finally, these mental freeloaders will pay their fair share," said IRS spokesperson Adrian Philomon. "We hope to work closely with psychiatrists and mental health facilities to ferret out these cheaters who are burdening their fellow Americans through non-compliance." Philomon citred an example. "Suppose a man named Miller had multiple personalities named Zarkone the Terrible, Mrs. Lampley, and Little Billy Hodge. Miller would be required to list Zarkone and Mrs Lampley as either co-workers, or principle wage earners, if they were the dominant personality in the workplace. A minor such as Little Billy Hodge must be listed as a dependent, but could also be claimed as a deduction. We're not heartless." Philomon stated that cases involving demonic possession were slightly different. "If the possessed is not delivered prior to April 15, and no extension is filed by the priest, minister or rabbi, then the demonic entities would be liable to file income tax. The important thing is that everyone pay their fair share, except Treasury Secretary Geithner. He can use Turbo Tax...or not."