Quake Spoils President's Putt

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA - A 5.9 earthquake outside Washington D.C. was felt up and down the east coast, including an elite golf course where the vibration caused President Barack Obama to miss an easy putt. "He was on the green in four, looking at a single bogey when the tremor started," said White House spokesman Alan Hibbing. "It hit just as he putted, causing the ball to roll right past the cup. The President eventually tapped it in, but who wants a double-bogey?" Though unavailable for comment, President Obama indicated through aides that he was Okay and taking the extra stroke in stride. "This is one tough president," said Hibbing. "If I know him—and I think I do—he'll be back on the golf course tomorrow trying again. Bet on it."
Image: LA Times

White House Transparency Witness Disappears

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An evasive White House witness defending the administration's transparency policy vanished from the midst of a congressional hearing, leaving onlookers stunned. "One minute, he's right there," said House staffer Adam Dantonio. "The next second poof! gone; like a magic act." Security checked the floor and seat where the witness, White House aide Daniel Gordon, had been seated invoking confidentiality in response to congressional questions regarding a presidential transparency order. Said Dantonio, "Security couldn't find any trapdoors or flash palm smell. Then they checked the ceiling for a harness, but that didn't play out." Dantonio and others speculated that Gordon was so slippery he may have slid out quietly without attracting attention. "He [Gordon] was like a snake dipped in baby oil. You couldn't get a grip on him. He might have easily oozed from the room. Is there a comic book character who can turn into a slick liquid? If there isn't, someone should draw one and call it 'Gordon Man.'"
(Image: tribuneindia.com)