WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Chicago Public School CEO Arne Duncan brought his pet philosophy from the Windy City to Foggy Bottom as he assumed the job of Secretary of Education. "'Spare the child, spoil the rod,' that's what Arne always said," remarked administrative assistant Velda Ruiz, who followed her old boss to Washington. "Back in Chicago we had 568 verified cases of teachers hitting kids, choking 'em, you know, straightening 'em out. Only 24 got fired under Arne. And those were the weaklings; the ones who'd tap a kid with a broom handle like a fairy with a wand. Arne weeded out the pus arms." With "No Child Left Behind Unbeaten," Duncan hopes to nationalize the Chicago practice of punching knowledge into young minds. "It's faster," said Ruiz. "'Give a man a fish and you feed him for one night. Beat a man witless with a softball bat and you teach him to stop mooching fish.' Something like that." (Photo: www.fromoldbooks.org)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner unveiled the Obama administrations financial bailout plan involving direct capital injections, buying troubled assets and a toaster giveaway. "We're offering banks the Proctor-Silex 2 Slice Smart Toaster," stated Geithner. "It'll heat up English muffins in no time, and I really like those." After hearing the administration's plan, the market plunged almost 400 points. However Geithner remained confident. "Without giving away details, we're also prepared to offer the Oster 4 slice Long Slot. Try saying 'no' to that!" (Photo: johnkowalik.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama thumped his head against the side of Marine One today, dislodging insulation and sending a rivet flying across the interior, narrowly missing an aide. "The president's head has grown considerably since he took office," said White House spokesperson Adrian Flanagan. "Frankly, I'm a little afraid." Because of size and mass issues, doorways throughout the White House and in many government bureaus and departments have been enlarged to accommodate the president. "Marine One was due to be retrofitted with the larger Obama doors," said Flanagan. "But we had to refit the Oval Office first after his head got wedged in the rest room. Luckily, with the heat cranked up, we waited until he started sweating, then pried him out. I sure hope he quits watching MSNBC." (Footage: You Tube)
GAZA STRIP - Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity have reconstructed a Hamas ammunition bunker, destroyed by Israeli forces in recent fighting. "A few sandbags, some reinforced concrete and it's good as new," bragged the former U.S. president. Carter plans rebuilding mortar pits and machine gun emplacements throughout the Gaza Strip as part of Habitat's Global Village Program. "We're working alongside the host community to construct fortifications and fighting positions that mirror the regions' traditional architecture." Carter hopes to later tackle the supply tunnels between Egypt and Gaza. "They're crying out for basic illumination," said Carter. "A few goose-neck lamps would give those tunnels a homey feel and make hauling 122mm rockets a much more life-affirming task." (Photo: www.time.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama has placed an add for cabinet members and White House staff on Monster.com. According to an anonymous White House spokesperson, "Clearly, this move shows the strength of the Obama administration, thinking outside-the-box in smart, techno-savvy, creative ways." All new government positions posted on the popular employment website list some executive experience as a plus. However, the primary criteria is not being a tax cheat. "We're open to diverse backgrounds and work histories," stated the spokesperson. "Currently, we're interviewing a man who makes flutes for the position of Health and Human Services. And he uses H&R Block, so that covers the whole tax thing. Anyway, he's looking like a keeper." (Photo: www.reputationdefenderblog.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - First defended, then described as an "error," by President Obama, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination as health secretary, joining a large crowd under the bus. Groused the former senate leader, "I was just getting comfortable under the oil pan when Nancy Kilifer comes flying in and knocks me loose." Rejected for not paying taxes on his chauffeur, Daschle has found room near the rear axle, but must cope with Bill Richardson's foot near his face. A peevish Daschle remarked, "I guess washing your feet hasn't caught on in New Mexico." (Photo: www.visitingdc.com)
TRIPOLI, LIBYA - Under new executive orders issued by President Obama, the CIA may still transfer prisoners to other countries, but now must issue each one a farewell fruit basket. Administration spokesperson Phillip Antoine stated, "This order will show terrorists, as well as the rest of the world, that America harbors no hard feelings." Terrorist suspects facing torture in Third World countries may choose between Harvest Surprise or Orchard Bounty fruit baskets, wrapped in colorful ribbons. Antoine stated that Mrs. Fields was considered, but rejected. "Too much sugar in those cookies. It could pose a health risk." (Photo: www.gourmetgiftbaskets.com)
(Photo: www.fromoldbooks.org)
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