'All Our Allies Punch Above Their Weight'

A Danish media fellow examines President Obama's remarks to foreign leaders. There is a certain sameness to them, I think, but you decide.


h/t: Ace of Spades

President Apologizes to Muslims for 'Act of Valor'

Doctrine of 'aggressive apology' in action.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Continuing a round of diplomatic amends, President Obama apologized to Muslims world-wide for the recent box-office smash, Act of Valor. The film starred actual Navy Seals and depicted them fighting terrorists, many of whom were Muslims seeking to commit jihad on American soil. Said President Obama, "Our strength is in our aggressive apologies, certain they will sooth the rage of peaceful Muslims everywhere." Despite the President claiming his apologies had 'calmed down' recent Afghan aggression, two more American serviceman were killed by Muslims and four injured. Said White House spokesman Jay Carney, "Just because there were additional deaths doesn't mean the Obama doctrine of rapid atonement isn't successful. What works 100 percent? Come on, tell me." Carney echoed the President's sentiments, blaming Act of Valor as contributing to a 'climate of hate' by failing to make the film's villains white oil executives, Tea Party members or businessmen with American flag and cross lapel pins. "Muslims were hurt and confused. They've come to expect a certain standard from our films. We're sorry on behalf of Hollywood. Somehow this one slipped through."
Image: Bookworm Room

Taliban Vows Even More Stupid Vicious Brutality After Marine Desecration

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Following the release of a video showing U.S. Marines urinating on dead guerrillas, a Taliban spokesman has promised to "take the gloves off." Said Mahood Abdul Mohammad, "This barbaric act will be met with even more acid thrown on school girls, more beheadings, and more walls pushed over to crush gay persons. Every donkey in every stinking village will have an IED shoved up its braying ass. We are outraged even more than our usual perpetual outrage."

Kabul residents have previously rioted and killed over a Florida pastor burning a Koran but have yet to take to the streets in response to this incident. Mohammad felt that the Kabul public may be "rioted out" and just resting up for the next eruption of hypersensitive rage coupled with the traditional murder of passing Westerners who had nothing to do with anything.

Marine snipers deliver "the yellow handshake."

State Department spokesman Roger Flassid demanded all four members of a USMC sniper team from Camp Lejeune be punished by court martial. "America's wars are hygienic wars," said Flassid. "Our troops must be tidy troops. It is every soldier's duty to avoid leaking on dead people who were trying to kill you."
Image: OttawaCitizen

Turkey Accuses France of Genocide Without Giggling

"I swear by the Dung of the Prophet, the Frenchies did it too."

ANKARA, TURKEY -  Tayyip Erdogan accused France of genocide without cracking a smile or snorting. Observers applauded the control of Turkey's prime minister who was angered over a French political reference to Turkey's 1915 slaughter of Armenians. Said Reuters correspondent Alan Norwood, "Members of the international press expected Erdogan to, at least,  chortle a bit; maybe grin, shrug his shoulders, pretend to sneeze then laugh his ass off in a handkerchief. But instead he tossed out the accusation dry as a sirocco, completely free of all irony, self-awareness, or any hint of mirth."

Almost a hundred years later, Turkey insists the deaths of over a million Armenians was never genocide but  a "scheduling mishap." Additionally, Erdogan added that going forward the Turkish nation was adopting a policy of counter-accusation. "You say 'genocide' and we'll say 'genocide' right back," said the prime minister. "And we'll add 'racism' on top of it. That's two accusations to your one. Turkey will win! Do you hear? We will be the victors in this word war! Unless you don't say anything. Then we'll be quiet too. Except for 'racism.' You think we're ever giving that up?"
Image: e-books-inc

Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il in happier times.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist

Syria Shoots Old Population, Buys New One

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - After shooting their old population, the Syrian government has announced the purchase of a new population from Craig's List. "We're very excited and looking forward to getting everyone settled," said Ministry of Information spokeswoman Reem Haddad. "Of course, there are forms and bio data we must collect along with a written promise not to demonstrate ever. But once that is finished, people can move into the homes and apartments of the many criminals who once lived in Syria." Starting several weeks ago, the Syrian government began shooting demonstrators. Then they shot soldiers who refused to shoot demonstrators. Then they shot everyone who showed up at the funeral of someone who had been shot. "I was surprised when Security Forces told me they'd shot our entire population of gangsters and Jew spies," said Haddad. "And while the action was justified, there was no one left alive to make coffee or pick up dry cleaning or operate power stations." Haddad hoped the slaughter was over, but warned the government would not tolerate dissent. "We're hoping the new population doesn't go bad on us. But should they turn, there are millions of people leaving California. We'll stick up a few wind farms and give them an audition—so to speak." (Image: Yalibnan)

Libyan War Good For Calorie Reduction

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked summary of the President's speech tomorrow night states that weight loss will be included as a rationale for the new conflict. Said media analyst Len Parrish, "The summary mentions that losing calories, while not the sole reason for the Libyan attack, factors in heavily." Parrish adds that the First Lady's War on Childhood Obesity is included among the reasons President Obama launched air and missile strikes against Libyan forces. According to the summary, the President's speech will reference a Department of Agriculture claim that tension levels in combat and combat support units often lead to a loss of appetite, thus a slimmer, leaner military. In addition, civilian worries about loved ones in harm's way can act as a catalyst for a common-sense weight reduction program.

Parrish claims Administration sources will use tomorrow's night's speech as a springboard for a new government program: Drop Bombs and Pounds. Under the guidance of the First Lady and the USDA, the program will build upon themes contained in the speech to convince the American people that three wars going at once can be a positive weight loss step. In the near future, Drop Bombs and Pounds will advertise heavily on TV and the Internet promoting catch phrases such as:

War Actually Is Quite Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

No Calories For Corn Oil

Don't Let a Crisis Go to Waist
(Image: fresh! healthy vending)

Raffle Held for Leadership of Libyan War, New Car

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - With NATO balking at Operation Odyssey Dawn, the Obama administration has announced a raffle with the winner receiving leadership of the Libyan war plus a 2009 Chevy Volt. According to NATO spokesman Giles Vanden Bergh, "Turkey is upset and Germany is also upset. And the Arab League has reversed itself like a crazy man walking backwards. So Washington has asked all NATO members except Germany, Turkey and the U.S. to pick a number between one and 25. That number will be placed in a hat in the Pentagon. Then a number will be drawn. The winner will hopefully assume leadership for coordinating the no-fly zone and maybe have a broad plan of some kind." To sweeten the deal, the White House is throwing in a free 2009 Chevy Volt. With Crystal Red Metallic trim coat and a neutral-with-black-accent interior, the Volt is an LT model and will include an iPod containing an uplifting speech by Michelle Obama to overweight children. Vanden Bergh was ambivalent about the situation. "If Estonia wins the raffle, then we must do what they say. But then someone would finally be in charge. So there's sweetness among the bitters." (Image: Autosavant)

Obama Issues Letters of Marque and Reprisal

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress expressed outrage after President Obama issued letters of marque and reprisal to several golfing friends who own yachts. Article One of the Constitution lists the issuing of such letters as one of the enumerated powers of Congress. But White House Spokesman Allen Kutler stated, "The President thought it was a really cool power so he just took it. He has authority through either an executive order or being Commander-in-Chief. He called me on a bad line and told me, but there was a party going on in the background so I'm not a hundred percent certain." Technically, the president's friends could use their yachts to attack and seize other vessels then have the ships sold in Admiralty Court and pocket the profit. Kutler laughed off such scenario. "Does Libya even have boats? Beats me. But you have to admit, it is a cool power. I'm not sure about the reprisal part. But the President has that power too so it's Okay." (Image: Wickipedia)

Some Blood For Oil Okay

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the start of hostilities against Libya, the White House has announced that some blood shed for the acquisition of oil is now perfectly fine and, in fact, the mark of a patriot. According to White House spokesmen Allen Kutler the previous phrase No Blood for Oil is now 'inoperative.' "That slogan grew out of the first Gulf War," said Kutler. "Unfortunately, that war ended before the slogan could be worked into effective chants and stenciled onto protest signs." Flash forward from 1991 to 2001 when George W. Bush attacked Afghanistan. "No Blood for Oil was dusted off and given a new lease. Then, with the invasion of Iraq, it went into overdrive. You'd think oil would be cheaper today since we grabbed so much of it from Iraq—that being the purpose of our invasion— but what do I know?" Kutler stated the slogan, repeated for years by tens of thousands of people, has worn the edge off the words. "No Blood for Oil is stale now, like an old rye crisp." Kutler feels the current air strikes against an oil-rich Muslim nation are completely different in every way. "This is good force and if a new regime is established in Libya and oil deals are signed, it's perfectly cool even if American military died in the process." Kutler would like to see pro-war demonstrators chanting Some Blood for Oil. "That would be very nice. Because then the President could give a speech and say, 'Yes We Can.'" (Image: Howard Besser)

Japanese Urged to Try Rioting

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Frustrated by televised scenes of orderly Japanese waiting for water and other supplies, a New Orleans resident has urged the Japanese people to riot. "What are they waiting for?" said Charles Green, 41. "A written invitation?" Green felt that by refraining from looting and attacking fellow citizens the Japanese were missing out on a golden opportunity to shake loose some tension." Green referred to images of police helping Japanese victims instead of ransacking a store and fleeing with lap tops. "Short-sighted," said Green. "That's free stuff. Plus rioting is like a good long run. It releases what I call 'riot endorphins.'" Green hoped the U.S. government would dispatch self-absorbed, unruly Americans to Japan. "They could teach those Japanese to loosen up a little." Green thought  Charlie Sheen would be a good choice as well as a large portion of the Wisconsin Teacher's Union. (Image: Snopes)

Wu Offers Insight into Libyan Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congressman David Wu shared thoughts on the recent turmoil in Libya and other Mid-Eastern nations. INI spoke with the Oregon Democrat in his office. Wu was dressed in a very conservative tiger costume.

INI: Should the U.S. Navy be used to evacuate American nationals caught inside Libya?

WU: That's a provocative move and could increase tensions in the region. Why not send someone in a tiger costume? Most people are afraid of tigers and would flee, thus allowing our citizens to escape on a cute old ferry to Malta.

INI: Has the President's response to the crisis been tepid in you opinion?

WU: I think President Obama has behaved thoughtfully, though if he wore a tiger costume he would feel 'big cat power' in his loins and lower back. It would make him glow, take it from me.

INI: I noticed your staff are all dressed in deer costumes with fake antlers. Is there a wildlife-themed party of some kind taking place today?

WU: No. Not at all. Why would you think that?

INI: Our intelligence agencies are either performing poorly or not being heeded as the U.S. seems slow to react to fast-changing events. Your thoughts?

WU: Oh, roar! Roar-roar!

INI: Is there a reason you're jumping on that staffer's back?

WU: I have a hungry tummy and must feast.

INI: Thank you for your time, Congressman Wu.

WU: Don't thank me. Thank the Oregon voters. I represent them.

(Image: AP)

Lockerbie Bomber Requests Additional Time in Scottish Jail

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - In the midst of nation-wide chaos, released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi has petitioned the British Government to rearrest him for terrorism. "My cancer is much better now," said al-Megrahi. "I should probably go back to Scotland and finish out my sentence for blowing up an aircraft and killing all those people." al-Megrahi insisted his desire to be confined in Britain had nothing to do with the crumbling regime of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and the serious fighting raging throughout the country. "I don't follow politics all that much," admitted al-Megrahi. "All I know is what I see on the TV at the gym." Sources state the British Foreign Service is open to the idea provided whoever ends up ruling Libya gives England cheap oil. Said senior diplomat Gonville Heap, "We are quite prepared to reincarcerate Mr. al-Megrahi or deny him entry to Britain. Our decision, of course, would be based on humanitarian principles or a desire for inexpensive oil that is a byproduct of humanitarian principles. Either way, we would appreciate if the Press would focus on humanitarian principles since, at root, that's what drives our policy viz a viz Mr. al-Megrahi. Of course, the families of Lockerbie victims are uppermost in our minds but they don't have any inexpensive oil, so, there."(Image: cdobs.com)

Egypt Peacefully Transitions to Military Dictatorship

CAIRO, EGYPT - Following the resignation of President Hosani Mubarak, pro-democracy demonstrators quietly watched as the military dissolved parliament and suspended the constitution. "We have gotten rid of an autocrat," said one demonstrator. "Egypt now has a military junta like many nations in South America." The government will report to the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces, who have vowed to hold free election in 'six months or more.'" According to Prime Minister Ahmed Shafiq, military leaders haven't threatened to shoot anyone should the nation not return to normality. "That's quite a big concession," said Shafiq. "This shows the army cares deeply and is very sincere." Crowds in Tahrir Square were heartened by the news. One man wept openly. "For years we were under the boot of a tyrant [Mubarak] and now we're ruled by the military who have promised not to shoot us. I'm so glad I have Twitter."

Egypt Blocks Facebook, Twitter; Nation Plunged into 1990s

CAIRO, EGYPT  -  As violent unrest spreads, the Egyptian government has blocked Twitter and limited access to Facebook, Yahoo and Google, hurling the troubled country back into the 1990s. "Demonstrators are having a hard time flirting and sharing jokes," said Memel Fahar of the Mid-East Institute for Social Media in Alexandria. "If this keeps up, people will be reduced to coordinating their revolt through phone calls, letters, or face-to-face." Fahar stated that rioter moral has fallen, especially with the blocking of Google's YouTube. "Demonstrators liked to relax from a day of being shot with rubber bullets by watching barely sentient American teens skateboard into park benches and hurt their nuts. Now this valuable amusement has been snatched from them."

Certain segments of the population, especially in large cities, believe a return to the 90s is not necessarily bad. Said Fahar: "In Cairo, Suez, and Alexandria sophisticated people wonder if we'll again see Moesha and The Tony Danza Show on television. But I believe not." Fahar hopes a determined Egyptian population recovers from government censorship. "Egypt is an old land. We built the pyramids and the Sphinx without texting 'u r hot' to some slut. Our people can always carve odd, two-dimensional drawings into stone. Let the government block that!" (Image: ranker.com)

Foreign News Flash

Important reasons to encourage diversity.

Ziaja237

Biden Tasered During Spanish Army Speech

MADRID, SPAIN - During a speech to Spanish troops delivered in English, Vice President Joe Biden was tasered by his own security detail. "This may cost me my job," said Glenn Howard, Secret Service agent. "But why would you address a foreign army in a language they don't understand? Biden does stuff like this every day. I can't stand it anymore." Once the darts were removed, Biden recovered quickly, seemed energized and alert, and finished his speech in flawless Spanish. "Howard is history," said an anonymous source in the Secret Service, "but he's given us a good idea."

Next UK Government To Be Decided by Rock-Paper-Scissors

LONDON, UK - Breaking Story - Unconfirmed reports state parliament may form a government based on a single round of rock-paper-scissors. Said one observer, "While Conservatives hold the majority of votes, they simply haven't enough to govern without the support of other parties. It's all such a confusing muddle. We need to act quickly. There's simply no time for important matters-of-state such as borrowing money we can't repay and sex scandals."

Armenian Genocide Labeled 'Historical Slip'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a speech at the White House, President Obama labeled the 1915 massacre of Armenian citizens by the Ottoman Turks a 'historical slip.' "There are times when nations, like problem drinkers, fall off the wagon. Such an event happened to Turkey," said the President. "They stumbled briefly and killed hundreds of thousands of Armenians, but now they've stopped." Despite pulling back from a campaign promise to label the killings 'genocide,' the President's statement irritated the Turkish Foreign Minister. "It is a well-known fact the Armenians overdosed on sleeping pills in the Syrian Desert. Tragic, but is Turkey to be blamed forever? My government was going to present President Obama with a special fez. The tassel featured alternating strands of orange and blue, the colors of the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. But he wants to point fingers so forget it. Nothing. May he slip on a putting green and fall in a sand trap." Obama concluded his remarks by applauding "the indomitable courage of the Armenian people who almost smoke as much as I do."

Ahmadinejad Letter to Obama: 'Where is My Bow?'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a cross letter to Barack Obama, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded to know when the President would bow to him. "You are like one of those novelty drinking birds that dips perpetually into a glass of water...except when I show up. I am embarrassed. Every world leader gets a bow except me." Ahmadiejad hoped the President would consider a video conference where Obama might perform his signature bow of deference. "I will incline my head in amusement like everyone else," said the Iranian President. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the Presidential bow was not for everyone. Explained Gibbs: "[The President] bows only to nations he wishes to sponge money from. Since we don't, as yet, want to borrow money from Iran, the issue is a non-starter." The letter also made reference to Iran's nuclear program which Ahmadinejad described as "only for civilian purposes or incinerating Israel. Nothing more."