Cash For Clunkers Buys 'Green Zone'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Universal Studios has sold the unreleased Matt Damon, Paul Greenglass anti-war film, Green Zone to the Federal Government via the Cash for Clunkers program. "We got $4,500," said Universal executive Perez Tibbet. "I heard Lions for Lambs only got 3k." With anti-war films dropping more bombs than a B-52, Universal decided to cut its losses and take advantage of a federal program designed to rid highways of old vehicles. "We pressured the President to expand the program and accommodate Iraq/Afghanistan anti-war films," said Tibbet. "But it's not a total loss. I understand the government will be showing 'Green Zone' on Amtrak and at the VA." (Photo: slashfilm.com)

'Twilight' Actress Replaced by Roseanne Barr

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Summit Entertainment has replaced vampire bad girl Rachelle Lefevre with Roseanne Barr. Barr will assume the role of "Victoria" in Eclipse, third film in the Twilight series. "This was basically a creative decision," said Summit spokesperson Neil Terrace. "Roseanne, though much older than Rachelle, had an offbeat take on the character we hadn't considered. We're looking forward to the intricate subtleties she'll bring to the role. " Terrace dismissed fan angst over the new Victoria. "All anyone has to do is show up and watch the movie. What could go wrong with Roseanne Barr?"(Photo: Heeb Magazine)

Healthcare Provision Allows Chimp Killing

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Buried deep in the House version of the healthcare bill is a provision that would allow lawmakers to dress up chimpanzees in suits and little hats and shoot them. "We're not sure who put that in or why, but the language is uncommonly clear," said a source close to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The provision would earmark funds for clothing, ammunition, pizzas, and carcass disposal through the General Services Administration. The source didn't know if the provision would remain through House and Senate reconciliation. "No one reads these bills, so anything is possible. All I can say is someone on Capitol Hill wants to cap a monkey real bad."

NBC Fall Schedule 'Shovel Ready'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Insiders are calling NBCs 2009/10 fall schedule 'shovel ready.' "This lineup needs burying," said an NBC executive. "But when 'up,' is all you have, 'down' gets redefined." Perhaps the most controversial change involves replacing news anchor Brian Williams with Beyonce. "Don't ask me," said the executive. "We're in dark, uncharted waters now." Here's a sampling of the Peacock Network's fall slate:

NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH BEYONCE - Pop star Beyonce Knowles interprets breaking news with hot, slinky dance moves.

LAW & ORDER: SUV - Cops and lawyers respond to crimes in a GMC Denali XLS equipped with wiper fluid that doubles as luminol.

THURSDAYS WITH JAY - Each Thursday for 24 hours, Jay Leno will host or guest star on every NBC program including soap operas.

MANILA GENERAL - Lives and loves of American hospital orderlies working in a Philippine medical center.

RUSTY GATES - Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates, Jr. stars in a sit-com about a fiery neighborhood handyman who can never correctly plane a door.
(Photo: upload.wikimedia.org)

Healthcare Impasse Blamed on Clowns

WASHINGTON, D.C. - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated failure to meet the President's legislative healthcare deadline was the fault of clowns. "Congress was set to pass a bill when healthcare clowns invaded the the chamber. They capered about, jumping into barrels, and otherwise distracting legislators who laughed and hooted instead of marking up the bill." Pelosi said the clowns carried whiskey in plastic hip flasks and shared it with members, who carry whiskey in gold and silver flasks. The Speaker sputtered in disgust, "Congress got so drunk, they left out all the pork. We had to flush the law and start over." Speaker Pelosi blamed the healthcare clowns on Republicans, but took full responsibility for the whiskey. "It's always been a problem around here. Frankly, Congress is much worse when they're completely sober. Don't even ask about the Senate." (Photo: upload.wikimedia.org)

President Writes Healthcare Fan Fiction

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Congress dragging its feet, a frustrated President Obama has written a fan fiction healthcare bill entitled, "The Happy Good Government Healthcare Plan." In Obama's story, a willing, excited congress works merrily to craft a wonderful plan where the government provides medical service to all Americans. Not only does the plan work really well, but everyone, except the poor and unions, volunteers to pay for their plan. Said spokesperson Adrian Heemer, "The President dashed off the story in a couple of days and showed it to Rahm Emanuel. Rahm cried, and he hasn't done that since the President asked him to stop punching White House staff. " Barack Obama hopes to publish chapters on a special blog that should be up and running in two to three years. Heemer added, "Like a future MRI, it'll be worth the wait." (Photo: portraits-of-collinwood.net)

Obama Healthcare Draws on 'Soylent Green'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In his speech to the nation last night, President Obama introduced the idea of community suicide centers modeled after those in the film, Soylent Green. "What a compassionate, cost-effective way to assist our nation's elderly and at-risk populations," said White House spokesperson Adrian Heemer. The centers, or CSS, would be mandatory for citizens with conditions deemed too expensive to treat as determined by a special CSS board. Staffed by teenagers whose parents are major campaign donors, Heemer said the board would teach these youngsters social responsibility and valuable work place skills such as being on-time. Patients selected for CSS may expect a final drink of cocoa, the right to transmit a brief YouTube message, and the musical stylings of The Cranberrys. Termination choices may include lethal injection, defenestration, or beating. Heemer hopes most people will choose defenestration or beating. "Why not go out thinking of the community, in a manner that holds down costs?" (Photo: www.sitepoint.com)