HBO to Film Derrick Bell Novel

Bell's nuanced book to see cable.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - HBO Films will forge ahead on a project based on controversial Professor Derrick Bell's fact/fiction book, Faces at the Bottom of the Well: The Permanence of Racism. Currently in pre-production, the film will weave together a series of short stories highlighting Bell's theory that racism is a permanent American feature and any belief in a progressive journey to equality is a "sugarcoated myth." Casting has been a closely guarded secret, but there are rumors that Danny Glover has been signed, pending his return from vacation in Cuba. In addition, sources inside the production have stated cameo roles are being written for Reverend Jeremiah Wright and New Black Panther Party President Malik Zulu Shabazz.

The film will combine statistics on white racism with fictional topics such as the selling of a license allowing white people to openly discriminate against blacks. Other tales involve the bombing of a Harvard president's office that kills all the black faculty, and a science fiction story about aliens who promise to solve Mankind's ills in exchange for all black people on earth.

"This is a story crying out to be told," said Producer Steven Harris-Silage. "Naturally, when the late Professor Bell (who died last year at age 80) discussed racism and depicted Jews as selling out African-Americans, he wasn't talking about anybody at HBO. I just know that deep inside." Slated to be called Faces at the Bottom, the film will stay true to the book's tone. "That may hurt some people's feelings," said Harris-Silage, "but we're HBO. We tell it precisely like it is. Just look at Game Change."
Image: Amazon

We Bought A Zoo - A Review

Forces of Geek supplies us with more weighty film insights. Seems the reviewer had a bone to pick with the absence of computer graphics in a family flick that forced him to watch a pedestrian unenhanced movie.  Not a common perspective.

A sentimental tale of a family purchasing a zoo, this film swung and missed for our hearts by ignoring CGI and 3D.

Opportunities for an epic scale were jettisoned in favor of old-fashioned story and acting rendered entirely on film.

Read the rest at this very place.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked - A Review

Vital information in the culture wars.

Not since Goin’ Coconuts has a tropical movie misfired on so many cylinders.

No amount of witty lines can lighten arson, murder, and a descent into barbarism.

And that’s what awaits the viewing public in Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Quickly read more here.

The Sitter - A Film Review

Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to movie reviews.

Inbred Mountain Men Mourn McKinney Loss

McKinney (right) prepares Jon Voight for hunching.

AINTRY, GA - Last Thursday actor Bill McKinney passed away in his California home leaving inbred mountain men without a vital role model. Best known for his performance in the 1972 film Deliverance, McKinney portrayed an inbred mountain man who sodomized a traveler and threatened another with death before dying at the hands of Burt Reynolds.

"He (McKinney) hunched a city boy up thar on the screen," said inbred mountain man spokesman Caleb Martin. "He made that 'ol boy squeal like a pig and all and that made us [inbred mountain men] stand as tall as a man with rickets can stand." Martin stated that generations of inbred mountain men have been inspired by the film to take charge of their lives and expand their horizons. "I'da just stayed up thar in the hills but that there film made me come down by the crick [creek] and wait for city boys to pass in a shiny canoe." Despite a lack of creek traffic, Martin is optimistic. "I tell my kin that a boat load of city boys will pass one day and we'll hunch every darn one of 'em. But my kinfolks don't believe me. They say stuff like that only happens in the movies. I'ma sure hoping not."
Image: New York Times

Occupy LA Demands Their Sceenplays Be Read

Angry demonstrators agitate for deal memos.

 LOS ANGELES, CA - In the wake of eviction from a City Hall encampment, Occupy LA protesters demanded that literary agencies read their screenplays or they [Occupy LA] would begin camping in offices on Sunset Boulevard. "First Amendment rights are swept aside when agents refuse to see our work," said Corky Reyes, chairman of the movement's Entertainment Industry Assembly and author of Psycho Jug Slasher II. "We have a voice and our voice needs to be heard," said Occupier Cora Sampling, co-author of the female comedy, My Best Friend is a Slut Bitch. "And we want executives with decision-making power to read our work; not some low level flunky doing coverage for fifty bucks a script."

Some felt such Occupy tactics were doomed. Said Hollywood Reporter writer Cam Taylor: "Screenwriters have been camping out at agent offices for almost a century and it doesn't work. If there's one thing Hollywood excels at, it's ignoring outsiders."

As if to underscore Taylor's remarks,  there are reports that a group of Occupy LA protesters set up tents inside a West Hollywood office building, outside the suites of the Star Nova Literary Agency. At first, the protesters were greeted warmly by agency employees and informed that Hollywood stood behind them and admired their courage. Coffee and bottled water were made available as well as a rest room key. Their screenplays were collected and the protesters were told that "someone will get back to you."

However, later that day, the protesters set up a drum circle and interrupted negotiations for a three-picture first look deal with Sony that would've netted Star Nova hundreds of thousands of dollars in agent fees. Within minutes, building security brutally ejected the occupiers, throwing them down the stairs and breaking their drums. Outside on the sidewalk the protesters were arrested by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for trespassing and theft of a rest room key.
Image: ABC News

Homeless Volunteer to Feed Hollywood Stars

LOS ANGELES, CA - As Americans prepare to dine on turkey and cranberries, the nation's homeless have not forgotten those more fortunate than most. Generous homeless have announced that for the second year in a row they'll attempt to deliver simple meals to Hollywood stars. "Didn't work out too good last year," said a homeless volunteer named Gus. "I tried to give a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and some Slim Jims to George Clooney but he had a security guard tase me." Salty Sally of the Midnight Mission on San Pedro St. tried to bring a plate of chili and a half bottle of old Bud to Matt Damon. "Old Matt had his housekeeper chase me with dogs and one of 'em ate my comb." The homeless are generally surprised by their harsh reception at celebrity homes. "We never do squat to 'em down here," said Gus. "They're always so nice serving turkey with the TV cameras on." Gus was quick to point out that not all celebrities were jerks. "Kim Kardashian didn't want any boloney but she let me drink out of her garden hose so that was cool."
Image:bum wine

Pilots That Never Flew: Three Series That Sank Like a Marble Bench

HOLLYWOOD, CA - All that glitters is not gold and all that is filmed is not aired. INI has discovered pilots for three questionable TV series ranging back to 1970. (There are oh so many more, but we've focused in on this trio.) Despite a proud history of airing bilge, Tinsel Town occasionally draws a line. In no particular order, we present:

THE WILD BUNCH VARIETY SHOW

Hoping to piggy back on the shoulders of the successful Warner Bros.- Seven Arts action feature, CBS

Co-host Edmund O'Brien as Freddy Sykes

took a flyer and hired Edmund O'Brien and Robert Ryan as hosts. Reprising their film characters of Freddy Sykes and Deke Thornton, the two actors took center stage in character, passed around a bottle of 'whiskey,' laughed for up to four minutes at a stretch and finally introduced pop music group Shocking Blue and comedian Alan King. At the close of the show, O'Brien/Sykes looked to camera and uttered—what some presume to have been—the show's sign-off line: "It ain't much, but it'll do." Network execs agreed with the first part.

Cantinflas as Doctor Raymundo Delgado

EYE SURGEON

A forerunner to Patch Adams, this 1981 hour-long drama saw legendary Mexican comic Cantinflas badly miscast as a quirky but concerned doctor. His famous comedic double-talk and verbal obfuscation played poorly when the butt of the jokes were blind patients hoping to one day see again. Nearing the end of his active career, the 70-year-old Cantinflas was clearly uncomfortable with such clunky dialogue as, "Sadly, my young friend, life for you will now be night without the stars' brightness." NBC hoped to use Eye Surgeon as a lead-in for the hit series Hill Street Blues but quickly backed off, quietly firing everyone associated with the show who were then snapped up by other networks.

Major Vic Kutt (Bill Nye)

BILL NYE COMMANDO
For some reason, this 1998 ABC hour drama attempted to sell TV science educator Bill Nye as a cynical, wise-cracking special ops team leader battling Serbian terrorists. But no matter how much web gear and camo they hung on him, for some reason, Nye's signature bow tie always remained visible. Not even the presence of Hercules Kevin Sorbo as the team's strong man, 'Doogie Howser' second fiddle Max Casella as the wise guy demo specialist, and Carmen Electra as Bill's concerned wife could keep this pilot airborne.
Images: latinosinlondon, Right Juris

Hollywood Misplaces Pro-Iraqi War Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Memorial Day, a sheepish Hollywood establishment admitted they had accidentally lost all films depicting the military in Iraq and Afghanistan in a positive light. "We could only find the films showing G.I.'s as either brain-dead killers or victims of George W. Bush and his criminal policies," said MGM studio exec. Seth Lane. Lane pointed to films such as Green Zone, In the Valley of Elah, Grace is Gone, Redacted and Lions for Lambs as negative examples of Americans fighting in a post-9/11 world.

"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
(Image: newbusters.org)

'Glee' Creator Slams Slim Whitman

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the latest round of Ryan Murphy vs. the Music Industry, the creator of the hit TV series Glee has savaged Slim Whitman after the retired country star declined to allow Murphy to license Whitman's 1952 hit "Indian Love Song." Fine," snapped Murphy. "But if he [Whitman] says 'no' to Glee then he's saying 'no to arts education in America. I just hope Mr. Whitman knows that without arts education children will be struck with pipes and burned alive in wicker cages. That's how vital it is." A spokesman for the 87-year-old Whitman declined comment.

Murphy has lashed out at groups such as Kings of Leon and the Foo Fighters for similar refusals and stands by the arrangements his show applies to licensed songs "We can make Nine Inch Nails sound like ****ing Justin Bieber," said Murphy. "You think that's easy?"

Insiders state the network is concerned about Murphy's vindictive snarky responses to musicians who refuse Glee a music license. Nevertheless, Fox denies Murphy is currently engaged in feuds with conductor Sir Simon Rattle of  the Berlin Philharmonic, and a man who plays the spoons on Sunset Boulevard.

via Memories64 

Charlie Sheen Stricken with 'Power Rangers' Villain Voice

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Troubled actor Charlie Sheen has been diagnosed with a rare disease that causes him to speak like a villain in an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. If you listen to his tirade on the Alex Jones radio program he comes across like a kung fu bad guy," said Dr. Waylon Corning of Cedar Sinai Medical Center. Dr. Corning quoted Sheen's remarks re. Two and a Half Men show runner Chuck Lorre: 'Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.' "That's Malum Lingua Power Ranger," said Dr. Corning. "We don't see it often, but we know it when it pops up." Animation industry experts were quick to back up Dr. Corning's diagnosis. Said cartoon writer Chuck Lagarre, "Wishing [Chuck Lorre] 'nothing but pain in your silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon' is pure gold. I wish I'd written something that goofy and over-the-top." Dr. Corning stated there is little medical science can do to check Malum Lingua Power Ranger. "The best hope is to draw it all out. First digitally record his rants, then try and animate a character to them. Then build a show around that character. It could even be a big hit like Megamind, I bet." (Image: michellezive.com)

Brown Appoints Linda Ronstadt Secretary of Song

SACRAMENTO, CA - Governor Jerry Brown unleashed his very own blast-from-the-past, appointing former flame Linda Ronstadt to fill a newly created cabinet position. As California's Secretary of Song, Ronstadt, the former Queen of Rock, is now responsible for encouraging the use of singing in the workplace, the home, and at the opening of wind farms. "I will lead California to a new green prosperity," said the governor at a recent press conference, "while, at the same time, Linda will lead the state to a higher consciousness through pro-active melody." Brown defined 'pro-active melody' as "happy songs that make you glad to be paying some of the highest taxes in the nation."

Current state song, "I Love You, California," was written in 1913 by Francis Bernard Silverwood and became state song by law in 1988. Sources close to Brown feel the tune is corny and outdated with verses such as:

I love your old gray Missions - love your vineyards stretching far.
I love you, California, with your Golden Gate ajar.
I love your purple sun-sets, love your skies of azure blue.
I love you, California; I just can't help loving you.

One of the new Secretary's first tasks is hauling the state anthem into the 21st century. According to a Ronstadt spokesmen, the Grammy Award-winning singer is already hard at work in the studio, laying in a new track that jazzes up the old melody while modernizing the lyrics. The Secretary released a sample passage:

I love your old gray Missions - built by meddling monks.
I love the streets of 'Frisco, overrun with hostile drunks.
I love to watch small business, regulated and annoyed.
I love you, California; home to unions and unemployed.

However all is not harmony between the Governor and his new songstress. Insiders report Ronstadt resented not being Jerry Brown's first choice. Apparently, Brown wanted Lady Ga Ga as Secretary of Song. However the controversial artist was eliminated after meeting with the governor and responding to all his questions by dry humping a mop handle. (Images: pbs.org)

Discovery To Air 'Nancy Pelosi's Alaska'

SILVER SPRINGS, MD -  Discovery Communications has announced a February 15 air date for a new series entitled Nancy Pelosi's Alaska. Hoping to piggyback on the success of Sarah Palin's Alaska, the hour-long episodes will feature former Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wandering the Denali National Forest wearing a business suit and carrying an over-sized, wooden gavel.

"It's your basic fish-out-of-water," said Tina Branton, senior executive at Discovery's Travel and Learning Channel, the series' new home. "Observe Sarah Palin and you know she's at home in the deep bush. But watch Nancy Pelosi and you guess she's never been anywhere that wasn't carpeted. We think our TLC audience will enjoy watching Nancy react to things outside her comfort zone."

Filmed last fall in an attempt to boost then-Speaker Pelosi's plummeting poll numbers, the series was delayed after Tlingit Indians kidnapped Pelosi and forced her to crouch atop a totem pole, believing the Speaker's taut, rictus-like grin was actually a wood carving.

Once matters were cleared up, Pelosi was reintroduced into the forest. Camera crews recorded her adventures, including an attempt to bribe porcupines into bringing her food by promising to place them on the Endangered Species list. According to Branton, viewers will see Pelosi struggling to navigate a glacier in high-heels and accusing polar bears of racism. In one episode, Pelosi tries to catch salmon by granting them exemptions from swimming upriver.

In the season finale, Pelosi returns to civilization by threatening the camera crew with an IRS audit if they don't drive her to Anchorage. Overall, Branton stated she was pleased with the ex-Speaker's performance but disappointed that there won't be a second series. "Beavers ate Nancy's big gavel and she grew listless and remote. Too bad. We had her lined up to crew on Deadliest Catch."
 (Image: life.com)

Coming Soon

No Country for Old Men the series.

via JonathanAndrewSmith

Playmate Engaged to Aging Libertine

LOS ANGELES, CA - Elderly Man-Tramp Hugh Hefner announced his engagement to 24-year old Playmate Crystal Harris. The eighty-four-year-old Hefner, noted for founding a magazine dedicated to photographing naked women in leg warmers and baseball caps, presented Harris with a ring over the Christmas weekend. Younger by 3 generations, Harris, burst into tears, "We'll have so much to talk about. He can tell me about World War II and the Eisenhower administration." In a more serious vein, Harris added, "But my main task will be to make Hugh's little yacht cap spin, as well as pick up his robes from the dry cleaners." Hefner has vowed not to have sex with other women during the marriage ceremony. Harris was touched by that. "When I heard, I knew Hugh really cared. I mean, really." Harris grew philosophical,  "My marriage to Hugh is based on mutual respect and love and has nothing to do with me raking in big money through death or divorce. We were made for each other—only in completely different historical eras."(Image: SuperiorPics.com)

Haiti Tops Nashville in Disaster Derby

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a survey of 200 Hollywood and media figures conducted after last week's White House Correspondent's Dinner, Haiti topped Nashville as "Coolest Disaster" 59% to 19% with 2% undecided. A CBS reporter, who asked not to be named, said Nashville fell into a narrative gap. "I don't know. Nashville. Who cares? But Memphis would be a different story because of the Graceland angle." Justin Bieber's accountant was more direct, "Nashville lacks Third World Charm. They don't have anything sexy like voodoo or zombies, just country music." The remaining votes were split among runner-ups Venezuela, Mexico, and The Green Zone.

'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

'Prince of Persia' Plus Remake Will Be Released Together

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney has announced it will release feature film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time along with its 3-D remake this Memorial Day. The unusual idea is the first attempt by a studio to simultaneously release a remake of a film no one has yet seen. Said Disney feature spokesman James A. Hardy, "We're so confident audiences will love 'Prince,' we've gone ahead and remade it, positive the new spin will enchant viewers. Plus its 3-D." Based on the video game developed by Ubisoft, 'Prince' follows young royalty teaming up to stop an evil ruler from unleashing a world-destroying sandstorm. Prince of Persia: Against the Grain, is the comedy remake set in Southern California where the young royals are now 21st century, detective-surf bums hired by a Saudi prince to find out who stole his kingdom's sand. Hardy was excited about the May 28 opening. "It won't be two-for-the-price-of-one because we want people to see 'Prince' then pay for a second ticket to see 'Grain.' But it is the fastest remake in industry history. Plus its in 3-D."

Warners Jumps On 3-D 'Night of the Lepus'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Warner Bros. announced plans to remake sci-fi bomb, Night of the Lepus. The 1972 story of giant rabbits attacking humans in the Arizona desert will be done over in 3-D. "You'll think big, flesh-eating bunnies just jumped in your popcorn," laughed Warner marketing spokesman Dori Ross. Using an expensive 3-D process to rejuvenate a bad film seems risky, but Ross was confident new 'Lepus' will soar. "We're going all-in with the environmental message. Instead of old school fears like overpopulation, we're breaking new ground by attacking soft drink manufacturers. Sodas are the new tobacco." In the 2010 version, the only people killed by giant rabbits are those drinking cans, bottles, and liters of soda. Often, soda-drinking characters escape by hiding, but a carbonated belch gives them away and they're slain by rabbits. Characters drinking spring water or natural fruit juices always escape, no matter how desperate their straits. Said Ross, "We think there's action galore for the teen male demographic and subtle nuanced politics for older female audiences. Still, we need to sneak in a message that sodas are Okay provided you're watching this movie."

What Price, Penn?

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Daily Discord reports actor Sean Penn lacks Price control.