Veternarian Discovers Cancer Cure, Media Focus on Royals

WICHITA, KA - A rural veterinarian has discovered what may be a cure for all cancers as well as small pox and the mumps. The startling news came from scientists at the Center for Disease Control as well as officials at the Food and Drug Administration who have spent the last seven years testing a home-made drug accidentally created by rural veterinarian Hiram Ellis of Derby, Kansas.

According to an FDA spokesman, back in September 2003, Dr. Ellis, age 55, had been attempting to improve on standard medication for the livestock malady Brucellosis. Ellis experimented in a home-made lab he'd set up in an old tool shed behind his farmhouse. Using roots and simple chemicals, Ellis threw together a formula he hoped would check the cattle illness. However Ellis' formula was accidentally mixed into a drink of Tang and ingested by his elderly mother who suffered from small pox as well as a rare form of toe cancer. Within four days, both small pox and cancer had completely receded while dewlaps under Mrs. Ellis' arms tightened and didn't wobble so much.

Cautiously, Ellis worked with a local M.D., Dr. Clyde Hailey, to test other patients and discovered his creation eradicated cancer even in advanced stages as well as the mumps. In addition, the wonder drug mitigated, but would not eliminate, Plantars warts.

Despite CDC and FDA announcing total government approval, Ellis remains unknown and his discovery ignored by almost every major media outlet in the United States due to a conflict with the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. "Okay, so the guy did something big," said an NBC spokesman requesting anonymity. "But his discovery has nothing to do with the royals. Maybe if this Ellis lived in London we could've gotten a reaction to Catherine's dress. Then, if there were time, he could plug his medicine. But otherwise, how is it news?" (Image: The Rag Blog)