Syria Shoots Old Population, Buys New One

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - After shooting their old population, the Syrian government has announced the purchase of a new population from Craig's List. "We're very excited and looking forward to getting everyone settled," said Ministry of Information spokeswoman Reem Haddad. "Of course, there are forms and bio data we must collect along with a written promise not to demonstrate ever. But once that is finished, people can move into the homes and apartments of the many criminals who once lived in Syria." Starting several weeks ago, the Syrian government began shooting demonstrators. Then they shot soldiers who refused to shoot demonstrators. Then they shot everyone who showed up at the funeral of someone who had been shot. "I was surprised when Security Forces told me they'd shot our entire population of gangsters and Jew spies," said Haddad. "And while the action was justified, there was no one left alive to make coffee or pick up dry cleaning or operate power stations." Haddad hoped the slaughter was over, but warned the government would not tolerate dissent. "We're hoping the new population doesn't go bad on us. But should they turn, there are millions of people leaving California. We'll stick up a few wind farms and give them an audition—so to speak." (Image: Yalibnan)