Outrage Greets California Tax on Grooviness

SACRAMENTO, CA - With support eroding for his plan to close a $27 billion dollar shortfall, Governor Jerry Brown ran into a firestorm of opposition over his proposal to tax grooviness. Defined as "a hip mellowness extending into all things including long periods of unemployment and drug arrests," grooviness has long been seen as a basic human right by a majority of Californians. "Why don't they tax the 15 Republicans still in the state?" said Sky Hamilton, a life coach. "Let the rest of us do our thing which changes frequently."

Carlos "Oye Como Va" Suarez, a pot holder salesman, felt the tax unfairly targeted really cool Californians. "Here we are, kicking back, going with the flow and they want to tax that? Those are the very things that put Jerry Brown in office and made this state what it is today."

Bartok "Loaf" Cummings, a licensed begging instructor, pointed out a flaw in anti-tax arguments. "If someone is really laid back, they'd be down with a tax. It's like a certificate that says you're officially cool. What could be groovier?" (Image: My Opera)

Vegan Council Okays Bacon Bits

MARIN, CA - In a controversial move, the governing council of Vegans United Against Meat (VUAM) has stated bacon bits don't really constitute animal flesh, and are approved for salads. "Bacon bits are small, hard, crunchy things," said council member Aaron Pelton. "We believe they're a totally manufactured product. Meat, on the other hand, is moist, tender and succulent - that is, as far as I recall." Opponents of the decision are furious. According to member Naomi Tidalpool, "This [council ruling] has seriously compromised VUAM's ability to lecture the public on their primitive savagery." Pelton, however, remained adamant. "Our decision stands. If the zealots don't like it, let them form their own group." Pelton stated VUAM would now examine the practice of selling dispensations for Thanksgiving. He explained: "New vegans often have a tough time transitioning around the holidays. A dispensation would allow them to ease into veganism while enjoying a Butterball turkey, basted in butter, with steam rising from white meat as you slice through brown, crackly skin...or so I recall." (Photo: thefoodguys.com)

'New Improved Secrets' Reveals Truth Behind Reality

SEDONA, AZ - Building on the 2007 documentary film The Secret, a New Age author states the real secret behind all reality may be found by purchasing his latest book entitled New Improved Secrets. Written by lecturer and Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Healy Lucan, the book posits that the entire universe is energy, that energy is in vibration, and that nothing is real in the sensory realm except checks or credit card orders made out to purchase New Improved Secrets. "Why is this? I don't know," stated Dr. Lucan. "For some reason, the universe has selected my book and the various methods of paying me - and I accept them all including Pay Pal - as the only non-vibrational items in existence." Dr. Lucan reports the universe has informed him this won't always be so. "Order New Improved Secrets quickly and the universe will knock off fifteen percent. Choose not to order and the universe will vibrate your car seat and cause you to perspire, wetting your slacks and leaving you an object of sport for all eternity." (Photo: cs4fn.org)