Outrage Greets California Tax on Grooviness

SACRAMENTO, CA - With support eroding for his plan to close a $27 billion dollar shortfall, Governor Jerry Brown ran into a firestorm of opposition over his proposal to tax grooviness. Defined as "a hip mellowness extending into all things including long periods of unemployment and drug arrests," grooviness has long been seen as a basic human right by a majority of Californians. "Why don't they tax the 15 Republicans still in the state?" said Sky Hamilton, a life coach. "Let the rest of us do our thing which changes frequently."

Carlos "Oye Como Va" Suarez, a pot holder salesman, felt the tax unfairly targeted really cool Californians. "Here we are, kicking back, going with the flow and they want to tax that? Those are the very things that put Jerry Brown in office and made this state what it is today."

Bartok "Loaf" Cummings, a licensed begging instructor, pointed out a flaw in anti-tax arguments. "If someone is really laid back, they'd be down with a tax. It's like a certificate that says you're officially cool. What could be groovier?" (Image: My Opera)

Nostalgic Man Visits Old Storage Locker

BOULDER, CO - Driving up to the gate, Edward Vargas stopped, gazing at the fence. "Years ago they didn't have razor wire, just a nine-foot chain link fence. So that's new." After parking, the 40-year-old Vargas entered the office of the Rocky Mountain Storage Center. After 15 years, he had returned to take a peek at his old locker. Several minutes passed before Vargas convinced a puzzled Russian clerk that he didn't want to rent a unit, just visit his old one. At last Vargas and I took an elevator up to the second level. Feet echoing on the wooden floor, we walked down to a corrugated metal door No. 256. Secured with twin padlocks, the door resisted Vargas' half-hearted tugs. "Of course it's not going to open. You need a key. I was just hoping to see inside again." Seventeen years earlier Vargas had gotten married. His wife ordered him to dump all his old furniture including movie theater seats, an old Pac-Man video game and numerous boxes of cassettes including White Lion's Greatest Hits. "It was different back then. You got to know your locker neighbors. There was a really cute girl in No. 254. I tried flirting but both her parents had committed suicide and she was storing some of their old stuff so that went nowhere. It was all innocent anyway." According to Vargas, he visited his belongings for two years until his wife discovered a Rocky Mountain Storage Center invoice in a pair of his slacks. "She went nuts, hissing like a rat. 'I told you to pitch that crap two freaking years ago! What happened to my words? Did they bounce off your fat ears?' Blah, blah, blah. And my ears aren't fat." Finally compelled to empty the unit, Vargas occasionally drove past on his way to work as a fire extinguisher supervisor. Though the years lengthened, his memories never dimmed. "Those were formative times," said Vargas as we walked back toward the elevator. "Maybe in five years I'll try and get a reunion going; see if I can find 254 on Facebook. She might know where to find 258 and 263 and some of the others. We could meet in a bar. But no wives or husbands. Or is that creepy?" (Image: Frugal Reality)

Patients Fondly Recall Dental Mishaps

TACOMA, WA - In a Starbucks within sight of the water three people laughed and sipped their lattes, recalling the dental mishaps that drew them together last year. "We all were patients of the same awful dentist," said Casper Piling through reddish copper teeth. "At different times, we heard each other hollering and swearing, even though we hadn't officially met." Tina Ming giggled in agreement. Though only 28 and fashionably dressed, her single remaining tooth made her appear much younger or considerably older. "I saw this nut Casper in the lobby," she joked. "He was tearing up magazines and stuffing the pages in his mouth to slow the bleeding. But then he put his big mitts on a People Magazine  I was reaching for." Eleanor Platte chimed in, scribbling on a pad as her mouth had been accidentally sealed with dental glue. "Tina and Casper started arguing, but then discovered they were both very unhappy with the quality of dental care we'd been receiving. Then I joined them, making grunting noises like The Mummy. But they welcomed me as an equal." While discussing possible legal action, the trio learned they shared interests in World of Warcraft and ham sculptures. "Now we're best friends," said Casper. "And we owe it all to bad dentistry." Tina laughed, "You'd have more luck separating Eleanor's lips than getting the three of us apart." Eleanor nodded vigorously, writing, "It's so good to meet new people and share interests. I think I'm slowly starving to death. Does it show?" (Image: Geekologie)

Top Ten 2009 Neglected Stories

1. Biden Motorcade Enters Demolition Derby
   
2. Obama Signs Bill with Pen Taped to 4 Iron
3. New York Times Actually Written by Chinese Prisoners
4. Polar Bear Decline Linked to Suicide, Rock Music
5. Russia's Top Export Remains Stupid Brutality
6. Quarry Reports Marble Shortage from Enshrining Obama Speeches
7. Countrywide Puppet Show Stars Sen. Dodd
8. CBS Airs CSI: Hundred Acre Woods
9. Investigation Continues On Why Perez Hilton is Famous
10. Japanese Invent Something Sane and Practical
    

'Cove' Documents Dolphin Motels

TAIJI, JAPAN - A new documentary on the slaughter of dolphins captured hidden footage of sinister dolphin motels. 'The Cove' followed a team of environmental activists to the town of Taiji where they obtained footage of a garishly-lit underwater structure. Heavily made-up female dolphins lounged near the entrance under a sign that read, 'Come in and rest your flippers, big boy.' Dolphins eagerly crowded the door, swimming in but never swimming out. Later, when the traps were full, they were hauled onto land and dynamited. "This is wrong," said activist Karl Mandolon. "The U.N. forbids using sexual traps to capture most aquatic mammals. For some reason, narwhal traps are permitted." Japanese interviewed in the film claimed dolphins flocked to the cove at Taiji for the express purpose of eating Japanese fisherman. "Every year, three, four fisherman, get eat up by dolphin," said Taiji Mayor Hiro Takamura. "We find hats floating on water. Everyone upset." The film concluded with a plea to allow dolphins to discover themselves sexually without human interference. "Dolphins are no different than activists," said Mandolon. "They smile, love the water, and make high-pitched sounds of unknown meaning." (Photo: treehugger.com)

Olbermann Replaced by 'Road Warrior' Feral Kid

NEW YORK CITY, NY - MSNBC's Countdown has a new host, the Feral Kid from The Road Warrior. With former anchor Keith Olbermann unable to dent FOX ratings, executives admit they're excited over the change. "The Kid has no news background, but then neither does Keith," said MSNBC executive Karla Reeves-Wangit. "If all Feral Kid does is grunt and howl at images of Mitch McConnell, we'll be about the same ratings-wise." However Reeves-Wangit believes the Kid's youth and off-beat skill sets can draw in the key demographic and, hopefully, challenge for the time slot."The Feral Kid can kill psycho nomads with a boomerang and imitate a wolf. Right there, he's a skill ahead of Keith, who was only a sportscaster."  (Photo: xzackly.com)

CBS News Airs Aquarium Footage

NEW YORK CITY, NY - After evening news ratings fell to their lowest ever, CBS announced anchor Katie Couric would be replaced with footage of an aquarium. "This is a temporary measure," said network executive Schyler Benning. "We're examining how CBS presents the news and looking for an upside." The aquarium footage is from YouTube and shows a teenager feeding his piranhas live mice dressed as scuba divers. "Kinda cute, kinda sick," said Benning. "But our key demographic - what's left - really digs it." ABC News also suffered historic low ratings, but have stated they support anchor Charles Gibson. Benning was sceptical. "They're doubling down on 15. I have a friend [at ABC] who said they're replacing Gibson with YouTube clips of a huge wolf spider eating a rat. For now, the only way Gibson will ever see airtime again is if he's killed and eaten by a giant anaconda. And I heard the network wants to film it so they have ancillary rights. But that could be a rumor." (Photo: www.tvgasm.com)

Man to Wear Costume at Comic-Con

SAN DIEGO, CA -  A thirty-eight year old fan of comic books and animation has announced he plans wearing a homemade Batman costume to this year's Comic-Con International. " I want to be the Dark Knight and I don't care who knows," said Trey Pfhenning. Pfhenning's bold move surprised even die-hard comic fans like Gale Krespot. "I don't know, dude. It's one thing to spend all your money on back-issues and boot-leg DVDs, its another to actually dress up as a character. I mean, in public...during the day...in a crowded place." There was no official word from Comic-Con, but an insider close to the festival expressed concern. "I'm just worried this could frighten off serious collectors and turn our festival into a circus. Then what?" (Photo: www.geekalerts.com)

White House Photo Op Destroys Dam

WEXBURG, ID - As official White House photographers snapped away, demolition crews blew up the Snake River Dam, sending a 30-foot wave crashing into the town of Kiley. "I understand some people died," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "We would've liked to issue a warning, but the event was classified. However, rebuilding Kiley and the dam will bring jobs to the region, so there's a bright side." Gibbs stated the photo op was designed to create an iconic presidential image. "We're going to Photo Shop Obama's face onto the huge torrent so it looks like all this water is gushing from the President's mouth. Not only will it symbolize federal spending under this administration, but it'll look like one of those Italian fountain statues. I think that's the look we're going for."
(Photo: Wickipedia)

Bush Behind Swine Flu Outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. - AP sources reported former President George W. Bush was observed in Mexico City last week carrying a vial labeled with a biohazard warning. "He wore sunglasses," said an unnamed source, "but I've seen enough giant puppet heads in demonstrations to know George Bush." According to the source, Bush was last seen sneaking the vial into a pig pen. Shortly afterwards, the swine flu outbreak began. "Draw your own conclusions." AP won't release the source's name because he told his boss he'd be at a funereal that day, instead of goofing off in Mexico City.
(Photo: www.daigger.com)

Zoo Releases Tigers in Cost-Cutting Move

LOS ANGELES, CA - Faced with budget cuts, the LA Zoo has downsized their animal population, releasing two Bengal tigers into Griffith Park. "Unfortunately, tigers eat too much, especially the pregnant one," said zoo official Cesar Sonora. "Our cost analysis revealed we could lay-off the cats, then transfer resources to the monkey house, which badly needs new Plexiglas." When asked about the danger of freeing large predators into the country's busiest park, Sonora was sympathetic, "We realize our move could inconvenience the public, but transferring the animals would have been so costly as to be fiscally irresponsible." Sonora thought briefly, then smiled, "On the upside, this could really help solve the park's homeless problem." (Photo: www.www.blisstree.com)

Biden Tests Positive, Withdraws from Graduation Speeches

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Slated to speak at several university graduations, Vice-President Joe Biden has withdrawn after testing positive for steroid use.  A spokesperson for the Vice-President stated Biden hoped drugs would give him a mental edge. "Joe's been in the dog house  for saying goofy things. Obama's had him setting up card tables in the White House basement, then breaking them down. These speeches seemed like a chance for Joe to shine." Biden's drug use was discovered during speech rehearsals. Prior to steroids, the Vice-President called Wake Forest, "Wacky Forest," thought Syracuse was the capital of Ohio, and stated he himself had built the Air Force Academy with "two dollars in my pocket and an old mule named Ken." After injecting steroids, Biden flawlessly delivered his speeches, then tackled an aide hard enough to dislodge several fillings. (Photo: AP)

Pirates Now Called "Sea Citizens"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Somali pirate attacks on U.S. ships, a State Department spokesperson announced the word "pirate" would no longer be used. "We're referring to nautical individuals who have seized Americans as "sea citizens," stated Meredeth Kearns-Gosplan. "Pirate" carries a negative connotation that could incense various maritime groups, thus causing the very condition we're working to prevent." Kearns-Gosplan stated that terminology changes were a new, previously untapped tool in the State Department arsenal. "This administration is committed to realistic politics," said Kearns-Gosplan proudly. "And if sea citizens don't cooperate, they'll be called something really wounding and hurtful."

(Image:www.proudflag.com)

North Korean Satellite Eaten by Starving Ground Crew

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Reports have surfaced that hungry technicians devoured the satellite from a North Korean three-stage rocket fired on Sunday. Fearful of losing face, the government ordered the missile launched anyway. After passing over Japan, the rocket plunged into the sea due to the guidance system having been eaten by a North Korean scientist who garnished it with a photograph of kimchi. "There is no starvation in North Korea," said a North Korean spokesperson. "There are only people who think they are hungry whom we shoot."

(Image: www.mosnews.com)

Socks the Cat Found Dead in Ft. Marcy Park

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Clinton first pet Socks the Cat was found dead near a cannon in Ft. Marcy Park. Diagnosed with cancer, owner Betty Currie reported the black and white cat had been depressed lately. Park Police reported the cause of death as an M-80 stuffed up the rectal opening. Currie later discovered a suicide note in poor English underneath Sock's water dish, blaming the cat's depression on House Republicans failure to support the stimulus package. Burial services are set for next week with Buddy the dog and Joe Biden slated to attend.
(Photo: CNN)

 

Survey Reveals Top Economists Dislike Economics

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A Harvard University survey of the nation's foremost economists revealed that eighty-nine percent found economics dreadful and boring. "We conducted a long term study, using a large population sample," said sociology professor Gary Miskaleer, age 37. "The results are pretty conclusive. For example, fifty-eight percent of those surveyed can't listen to a recording of themselves discussing economics without falling into rem sleep and awakening with drool on their chin. A further sixty-six percent admitted walking through libraries and spitting into economics books." Not surprisingly, Professor Miskaleer's survey showed most economists would rather be doing something else, with dream jobs ranging from power line repairman to cook on a tramp steamer somewhere off the island of Tonga. "Right now, the economy is in terrible shape," said Professor Miskaleer. "And the only people who have any idea what it all means hate their jobs. So, you know, take anything they say with a grain of salt, 'cause they'd walk away in a heart beat if they could."

Sharks Save Swimmer From Dolphin

PORT DARWIN, AUSTRALIA - A spear-fisherman was saved from attack by a huge dolphin after several sharks enclosed the man in a protective circle. Eric Diggery, age 29, observed the incident from a nearby sail boat. "The dolphin had this fella and was tossing him up in the air like a big ball, ya see? Then these white-tips showed up and sorta protected him." Diggery reported that after the dolphin swam away, the sharks turned on the fisherman and devoured him. Added Diggery, "Then me mates and I sailed over and blew up the white-tips with some old Jap hand grenades we'd found on New Guinea. But that's how things go. One minute you're prey and the next minute you're prey. Life's a bit of hell in the sea, you know?" 

Wal-Mart Offers Pre-Trampled Employee

BABYLON, LONG ISLAND - Wal-Mart announced they have trampled an employee to death prior to opening for post-Christmas sales. "We didn't want shoppers bursting in and killing someone, then getting delayed by investigations and crime scene tape," said Wal-Mart spokesperson Gail Angeletta. Chosen via in-store lottery, the employee, whose name was not released, was pre-killed by tramps who were paid in cartons of stew. 

Karaoke Singer On Key

HARRISBURG, PA - At a company Christmas party, 43-year-old Jerry D'Amato stunned co-workers by drinking heavily then singing karaoke on key and in tune. "We almost died," said Sharon Adelmen, age 29, who works with D'Amato at Jamieson Brothers Furniture Factory. "Someone had a bottle at work, so we were half-bagged before we even left. Once we got to the club [Sing Out Karaoke Bar], we ordered Rolling Rock short drafts with bourbon kickers. Everyone was sloppy drunk." D'Amato wowed the crowd with an 80s medley, starting with A-ha's "Take on Me," transitioning smoothly to "Mr Roboto" by Styx, and finishing strong with Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Adelman added, "Then he hit on me - gross. But other than that, Jerry really cracked out some tunes. Loud and good. You don't hear that a lot in karaoke."
 

PBS Plans Christmas with Bill Ayers

BOSTON, MA - WGBH intends broadcasting a holiday special starring former terrorist William Ayers. The special, described by one source as "like spending Christmas day being scolded by a scary man," initially seemed doomed. "The show was four hours long," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "And Professor Ayers wanted it shown without breaks." PBS balked, but at the last moment "it became financially possible, thanks to a grant from the Chubb Foundation." Filmed in Chicago, one Christmas party segment featured Ayers yelling through a megaphone at second graders for their "toy lust and greed when kids all over the world are being blown apart by a kill-crazed U.S. war machine." Another segment showed Ayers, dressed as Santa Claus, handing youngsters gifts from Cuba: rope sandals (all in Men's size 9) and a coloring book describing how to inform on your parents. "It's a bit preachy," admitted Taylor-Logan, "but we're hoping viewers hang around for the action stuff, like when the Professor dynamites a Burger King."