Hawking Warns Aliens May Be Like Larry King

CAMBRIDGE, UK - Professor Stephen Hawking believes in extra-terrestrial life, but warns it may consist of larger, more powerful versions of Larry King. "In an infinite universe there are infinite possibilities as to how life may develop," said the noted astrophysicist. Hawking suspects sending probes and radio signals into space searching for aliens could lead to trouble for Earth. "Why risk the possibility that aliens developed into gabby, aging cable hosts with advanced technology? What if they started droning on, pandering to celebrities and powerful Democrats, sonorous gab without end? Gab that we were powerless to stop?" Hawking felt it would be wiser if Earth launched probes, but used the address of another planet. "That way we could observe whoever, or whatever, showed up. But who answers an invitation to visit a stranger's home? Larry King would. That's why we must be careful."

SEIU Assumes Control of NASA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a major reshuffling of the space program, the Service Employees International Union has assumed management and direction of NASA. "Space industry employees will finally get meaningful work," said union spokesman Dominic Manchili. Along with canceling the booster-rocket Constellation program, unionizing is just another piece of President Obama's space exploration vision known as, 'All Slow Ahead' "It's about the proper use of people," said Manchili. "You got a lot of physicists and scientists wasting their time looking up at the sky when they could be working phone banks for Democratic candidates." Manchili says SEIU hopes to re-orientate NASA toward a community activist model by the 2010 midterm elections. "These space people need to be paying union dues, registering voters and smacking teabaggers over the head with pipes. After November, they can call in sick for all of 2011. Now that's a future worth fighting for."

Federal Reserve Space Program Features Stairway of Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With NASA's lunar program dead, the Federal Reserve has assumed space travel responsibilities and intends printing dollars to form a cash stairway to the moon. "We're already cranking out trillions for next year's budget," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "Why not print out a couple of centillion more?" Working with engineers, the Fed hopes to construct a framework in the shape of a huge staircase that will be paved with cash. "People will be able to walk to the moon on five and ten dollar bills," added Bernanke. "But we still have to figure out how to keep the cash from floating off into space. Oh, and the people too, I guess." The project is estimated to take 190 years just to complete the framework. Bernanke was philosophical. "I know it's a long time, and no one alive now will ever see completion. But, on the upside, money is no object." (Image: PD Photos.com)

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo: memory-alpha.org)

Leonid Meteor Shower Brings Blindness, Carnivorous Plants

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA announced that anyone watching last night's Leonid meteor show could find themselves blind and at the mercy of man-eating plants growing from alien seeds shed by the 55/P Tempel-Tuttle comet. NASA spokesperson Jackson Perry said, "There's some element in the [Leonid] meteors that burns out the human optic nerve. We're not sure what, only that the effects are permanent. As for the alien seeds, they quickly grow to plants around 11 or 12 feet tall that can shuffle along the ground, and eat anything they catch. Unfortunately, blind people are easy prey and so they eat a lot of them." Perry stated all NASA personal were warned in advance and took adequate precautions to avoid looking at the night sky. "We're fine," said Perry. "We only wish we'd had time to warn the general public. But something came up and we didn't. Our bad." Perry advised any citizens blinded to cling to a sighted person and compel them to serve you either via threats or guilt. "Otherwise, you're plant food." (Photo: irvinehousingblog.com)

Church Holds Conference on Alien Life, Bingo Discussed

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - Catholic Church officials presented the results of an astrobiology conference discussing the possibility of life on other planets and whether that life played games of chance such as bingo. Said Fr. Carlos Remy of the Vatican Observatory, "If intelligent beings exist in outer space it's entirely possible they have developed games involving randomly drawn numbers. Perhaps they use cards made out of alien metal and, instead of corn, mark their places with space diamonds." Scientist Ben Francis of the University of Arizona agreed. "Part of Mankind's hubris has been a sort of 'bingocentrism.' We automatically discount the idea that other beings might engage in soft gambling to win a new space vehicle or a family trip to the Crab Nebula." In addition, the conference also discussed alien pot-luck suppers, allowing that celestial beings might use exotic minerals and gases to create their casseroles. (Photo: mcsweeneys.net)

Gang Violence Escalates Over Pluto Debate

LOS ANGELES, CA - Inez Rivera recalls the last words of her cousin, Hector 'Lil Dog' Herrera. "He said that downgrading Pluto to a dwarf planet was 'punk-ass.'" For that, Herrera - a member of the 18th St. Gang - was cut down by members of the Florencia 13 Gang in a parking lot near the Staples Center. According to Rivera and other witnesses, Herrera 'ate more rounds than Sonny Corleone,' becoming the latest victim in the continuing violence over the status of Pluto.

Three years ago, the International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto from full to dwarf planet catching the LAPD completely off-guard. "Normally, we're given advance notice on any celestial changes," said Sgt. George Haskell. "But this time, the IAU fouled up. If it were just naming a new asteroid, that would be one thing. But Pluto is an original Big Nine solar system planet." The IAU apologized, but, according to Haskell, word was already spreading on the street.

Inez Rivera remembers 'Lil Dog growing upset. "He said Pluto orbited the sun and that gravity had crushed it into a nearly round shape. What more did the IAU bitches want?" But rival Florencia 13 didn't agree. A member identifying himself as "Raul," stated that with the upgrading of asteroid Ceres to dwarf planet status, Pluto had proved itself 'weak' and anyone who defended it was a 'sissy.' And Florencia didn't care who knew.

They should have. Within a week, the remains of a Florencia 13 gang member were found scattered around an empty lot on Western Avenue. Sgt. Haskell recalls the case: "Forensics indicated the victim died from a package containing seven hand-grenades and a highway flare inserted in his rectum."

Inez Rivera says that after the first killing, there was no turning back. "You were either down with Pluto as a planet, or you thought it was a suck-ass ball-of-ice. There was no other way. Still isn't." Since 2006, eighty-seven people have died or disappeared - mostly gang members - but the toll includes two Astronomers for Peace who attempted to mediate the conflict and were never seen again.

Haskell walked the parking lot near Staples, glancing at the numbered cards indicating the location of spent rounds. "Herrera was so full of lead we had to pick him up with a magnet." The veteran cop sighed, "It's a big universe, with room for heavenly bodies of all kinds. Maybe one day people will learn that." (Photos: backtowild.com & russiablog.org)

Obamacare & NASA Agree: Explore Space with Fat People

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FL - In a bold move, NASA and Congressional aides writing healthcare reform have agreed to explore the solar system with overweight Americans. "This innovative approach will eliminate a growing at-risk population from the healthcare system, while allowing NASA to save thinner, more photogenic personal for important missions," said Congressional spokesperson Meme Brown. The plan envisions the formation of a Bureau of Heft that determines who is overweight. Those designated 'encumbered' will be bused to the Space Center, shown a Presidential video thanking them for their service, then shot into the solar system to examine asteroids or Martian moons. "Computers and sensors perform all the work, so they won't have much to do." said Brown. "We're hoping a lot of the encumbered like to read, though there won't be room for actual books." Brown hopes the program will grow in popularity, thereby increasing funding. "That way, in time, maybe NASA can figure out how to bring them back...provided they weigh less." (Photo: picasaweb.google.com)