Cheap Things to Do in NYC

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Despite being overtaxed and overpriced, New York features numerous activities that savvy tourists may enjoy for little or no money. Here's a quick list for your next Big Apple vacation.

Walk into Radio City Music Hall and view the wreckage of Charlie Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Show.

Order fries in a McDonald's and have them checked by Food Police, ensuring you're only eating as much salt as NYC public bureaucrats allow.

Go in winter and follow a tort lawyer around as he collects lawsuits from pedestrians who have slipped, fallen, or are deemed to have slipped and fallen on icy sidewalks.

Visit the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and take a virtual bank-bailout tour, illustrating how a proud, vigilant Fed watched quietly as greed and hapless government policies collapsed the economy.

Riker's Island Tour operates 24/7 but won't start until you throw a Slurpee on a cop. Then you're in the pipeline for a boat trip to a genuine prison island that's said to modeled after a John Carpenter film.

We Are the Boat

Sincere, caring activists make a video.

Latma via Newsbusters

San Francisco Bans Travel to Arizona by Feces Art Troupe

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Angry over Arizona's new immigration law, Mayor Gavin Newsom banned all travel to the state by a city-sponsored troupe specializing in feces art. "If they want to keep their grant, they'll stay away from Arizona," said city spokesman Dabney Overton. The New Crap Players, who act the works of Harold Pinter on a stage littered with dung, have been performing The Caretaker to sold-out houses in the Bay Area, but had no immediate plans to tour. "I don't know why he [Mayor Newsom] said that. We weren't planning on visiting Arizona or anywhere else," said Crap director Jay Helian. "Besides, we're not really into travel. We'd have to pack all our shit." According to Overton, Mayor Newsom is determined to starve Arizona of the Bay Area's finest city-sponsored art. "If Arizona doesn't repeal their immigration law, they can forget ever seeing Bearded Men in Blue Eye Shadow Dancing While Dressed as Nuns. No way. Too bad. They'll only have themselves to blame."

Young Urban Drivers Dig Backhoes

SEATTLE, WA - Worried over sticking gas pedals, 20-something urban drivers are ditching Toyotas in favor of the John Deere backhoe. These mobile excavators, sporting a digging bucket and a two-part articulated arm, now dot parking lots of universities, law offices, and software design firms from San Francisco to Boston. "I had safety concerns with my Prius," said University of Washington law student Patricia Newman. "But my backhoe is super dependable and you can carry books and groceries in the bucket so its green too." Backhoe owner Gary Bruno, a video game developer at Bungie, enjoys helping out at construction sites. "Sometimes heading home from work I'll pull over and assist a county road crew digging up pipe. They don't always appreciate it, but it gives me an awesome feeling." John Deere officials, delighted with the upswing in sales, are puzzled over the backhoe's popularity. Said company spokesperson Howell Gorman, "This isn't something I'd take out to get a latte macchiato, but whatever." Responding to customer demand, John Deere has issued its first teal backhoe. Gorman states they have additional models coming out in peach and coral. "Too bad the kids didn't take a shine to harvesters. We make a great one with a shredding straw system. But they'd have a hell of a time getting into office parking spaces and malls, so there's that." (Photo: Public Equipment)

Full-Body Scanners Aid TSA Sexual Fantasies

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Able to see through clothing, full-body imaging machines have improved the sexual fantasies of TSA employees. Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett, "This vital piece of technology eliminates wondering what a woman might look like underneath her garments. Crucial time is no longer at lost at airport security stations pondering whether breasts were round and firm or pendulous like ripe guava." Whiskett pointed out that improved sexual fantasies come with a cost. "More employees are taking extended restroom breaks. But this is a small price to pay for national security." There are 46 machines in place at 23 airports with more on the way. Whiskett would like passengers disturbed by full-body scanners to remember the "TSA is America's first line of defense against privacy and large bottles of lotion."

Federal Reserve Space Program Features Stairway of Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With NASA's lunar program dead, the Federal Reserve has assumed space travel responsibilities and intends printing dollars to form a cash stairway to the moon. "We're already cranking out trillions for next year's budget," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "Why not print out a couple of centillion more?" Working with engineers, the Fed hopes to construct a framework in the shape of a huge staircase that will be paved with cash. "People will be able to walk to the moon on five and ten dollar bills," added Bernanke. "But we still have to figure out how to keep the cash from floating off into space. Oh, and the people too, I guess." The project is estimated to take 190 years just to complete the framework. Bernanke was philosophical. "I know it's a long time, and no one alive now will ever see completion. But, on the upside, money is no object." (Image: PD Photos.com)

Because They Care

h/t: Reason TV via Hot Air

President Calls for Bigger Dots

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After taking responsibility for recent intelligence failures, President Obama called upon the intelligence community to 'work with bigger dots.' "If our federal agencies can't connect the dots they have, then clearly the answer is to come up with bigger dots." Intelligence agencies refused comment on the President's remarks, stating they needed to examine all dots "in light of budgetary and security needs, whatever that means." In related news, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has admitted she is a CGI creation. "I was a work-in-progress for a commercial being done at Rythm & Hues before this job opened up. And while the lead writers gave me a ton of backstory, I've never been out on my own before. Please don't send me back. I only want to be real, 'kay?" (Photo: zimbio.com)

TSA Requests 'Better Passengers'

NEWARK, NJ - In the wake of blunders at the Newark Airport, the Transportation Security Agency has asked congress for 'better passengers.' Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett: "The federal government should mandate that the only people allowed to fly are jolly, carefree people who don't have to be anywhere anytime soon. With passengers such as these, the TSA can focus like a laser on our job of security filming and keeping unauthorized people from entering certain areas." As a stop-gap measure, Whiskett suggested airlines only seat people on psychotropic medication or Brazilians. "Everyone I've ever met from Brazil is happy and upbeat and rolls with the punches. They don't mind hanging around an airport for a couple of days because TSA had a few minor glitches. From such stuff, frequent fliers are made; from such material will come passengers of the future." (Photo: charlesgoyette.com)

Coffee Cans Approved For Last Hour of Flights

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has authorized airlines to issue coffee cans for passenger waste during the final hour of flights. "There's no need to leave your seat," said Napolitano. "Just signal the cabin crew and they'll hand you a coffee can. Do your business, hand back the can, then tear a page from the in-flight magazine to tidy up." Jubilant lobbyists from the coffee industry celebrated the news. "We worried the airlines might go with pork and bean cans or large pickle containers," said one lobbyist. "But this is great news for Big Java." Napolitano was pleased with her decision. "I suggest Americans begin using the rest room with the door open to get used to an audience. But minor drawbacks aside, everyone will now be safer somehow because I have a big, giant smart head." (Photo: ehow.com)

TSA Posts New Security Measures on Web

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of the Christmas day terrorist attack aboard a Detroit-bound aircraft, the Transportation Security Administration announced they had already posted updated security measures online. TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett stated, "We caught a lot of grief last time. By pro-actively releasing gate security procedures onto the Internet, passengers and others can see how we plan to to deal with religious nuts wearing explosive-laden underwear. I believe this will preempt negative press." Whiskett warned travelers to arrive at the airport early and expect delays from the new security procedures as well as twin Global Warming Storms, identical to blizzards, blanketing the Midwest and East. (Photo: zeenews.com)

Terrorists Vow Not to Read TSA Manual

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Al Qaeda has vowed not to read a security procedures manual accidentally posted online by the Transportation Security Administration. The standard operating procedures document lists details of airport security, including the smallest wires not detected by screening machines, what items are never checked, and short-cuts the TSA takes when there are large crowds. "This could happen to anyone," said terrorist spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "Computers are so darn tricky. I have to ask my kid everything. My son, that is. My daughter I blinded with acid for reading Nancy Drew." TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett expressed appreciation to Al Qaeda. "A bunch of real gentlemen. Let's face it, anyone could do a half-assed job redacting sensitive information before releasing it on the Web." Whiskett blamed the problem on a lack of TSA unionization. "Everyone knows how much smoother and efficient work goes when performed by union employees who can never be fired. Imagine if the United Auto Workers ran airport security, for Pete's sake. Once we get that, TSA will run like water flowing crisply downhill to a nice mill." (Photo: beloblog.com)

Rare Giant Stingray Vulnerable to Depth Charges

TOFO, MOZAMBIQUE - Marine biologists have learned that rare smalleye stingrays are extremely vulnerable to exploding depth charges. These graceful ocean giants, two meters across, cannot handle severe detonations and will float to the surface dead. A joint U.S.-British expedition aboard a British frigate divided the sea around Manta Reef into grid squares, then dropped depth charges. Marine biologist Kevin Peterman, a researcher at Scripps Research Institute in La Jolla, CA, stated the expedition used old World War II Mark IX's loaded with 200 pounds of Torpex, setting the fuses for varying depths. "Clearly, all the rays that floated to the surface were killed by the blasts as well as some other fish, several of which were new species previously undiscovered." Peterman believed undersea explosions were the future of marine biology. "With cuts in funding, a depth charge eliminates the need to dive by blasting everything topside, right next to your boat. It's like pizza delivery, only every order has anchovies." (Video: cgoble72)

Vegas Family Wins Des Moines Weekend

LAS VEGAS, NV - Casino manager Eric Valenti was stunned to learn he'd won a weekend at the Des Moines Quality Inn. "Free coffee and Danish before 9:00 AM," said Valenti, observing the MGM Grand blackjack tables as a floor show with magicians and fire-eating dwarfs took place in a nearby lounge. "Apparently my wife hit it big. She was on a website buying supplies for the dancers she choreographs and clicked a side bar button. Next thing you know, we've got two days in Iowa. Lucky, huh?" Valenti paused as bells sounded near the slot machines, signalling someone had won a progressive jackpot worth 375,000 dollars and a Toyota RAV. "I hear they got a balloon museum there. Quilt shows, too. You know, my kids have never once seen corn? I mean, outside a can and all. This is gonna be wild." (Photo: bonniehunt.ning.com)

Airline Denies Off-Course Pilots Played Warcraft

EAGAN, MN - Northwest Airlines has denied two off-course pilots were playing the popular World of Warcraft computer game on their laptops. "Just another crazy Internet rumor," said Northwest spokesperson Gary De Sale. "Forget about it." However information leaked from a National Transportation Safety Board hearing the pilots attended indicated otherwise. According to an unnamed source, "The first officer was an Alliance Night Elf named Treequick, and the captain was a Horde Troll named Slobbercrush. They hated each other. They would carry maces and battle axes on the flight deck. I mean, the NTSB even had an email from Slobbercrush to management asking to be paid in Warcraft cyber gold. Trippy." De Sale refused comment on the allegations. "We'll stand by the NTSB report. Unless it says anything about World of Warcraft. Then it's untrue." (Photo: criticalgamers.com)

Official Admits Urugauy and Paraguay Ficticious Countries

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A State Department insider related there are no such nations as Uruguay and Paraguay. "Those are government code words for party towns," said an anonymous State Department source. "A hundred years ago, when someone wanted to chill in Rio or Capri or some Greek island, they told their families they were being assigned to Uruguay or Paraguay. In the 1930s, Secretary of State Cordell Hull paid to have both names added to world maps. But if you travel to where they're supposed to be, its all Brazil. They'll be the first to tell you." The State Department has officially refused comment. A call to the Uruguayan embassy was answered by a man with a thick Brooklyn accent who claimed to be the Ambassador's friend. A call to the Paraguayan embassy was forwarded to a Microsoft service center in India. "They've got a company out in California that designed flags, and puts out press releases, and finds people to show up for the Olympics," stated the source. "I got shot down on a trip to Fiji, that's why I'm blowing the whistle." (Photos: scrapetv.com & paraguay.com)

NASA Crash Vehicle Filled with Turtles

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - A two-ton rocket stage that crashed into a moon crater contained forty-two turtles, placed there by scientists. "We don't know why or for what purpose," said NASA spokesperson, Adrian Brumar. "The scientists stated it had something to do with finding water on the moon." Instruments from a second vehicle crashing nearby indicated no sign of the turtles. "We're guessing they didn't survive," said Brumar, who believes scientists often use technical jargon to justify doing odd things. "The scientists want to try it again with frogs, but we're asking them to write out 'why.' I don't think they have a mature answer. But I'm just a spokesperson." (Photo: humbabe.arc.nasa.gov)

America's Least Visited National Parks

OLD BOOT, AK - Everyone knows about Yellowstone, but how many travelers are aware of Alaska's Hungry Bear Valley? Of the fifty eight national parks, here is a list of those with the smallest crowds and highest mortality rates.

1. Oops Falls, California
Moisture slick rocks stamp this scenic waterfall a sure-fire bet for anyone looking to slip and plummet to death. A recent lawsuit forced the government to make the area handicap-accessible, so wheelchair-bound visitors will no longer be denied access to a watery end.

2. Devil Bum National Monument, Utah
Awesome wind-carved rocks are also home to a savage band of tramps known for robbing and mauling tourists.

3. Long Sleep Volcanic Flats, Hawaii
Like the lyrical Hotel California, you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave. Poisonous gases see to that.

4. Quicksand Caverns, Georgia
The caverns are dark and full of quicksand. But travelers who survive often return with hats and other light accessories found floating atop the quagmire that prove quite serviceable after rinsing.

5. Rabid Chipmunk Ravine, Pennsylvania
The chipmunks are cute, but diseased. One bite will have you foaming more than a man gargling Alka-Seltzer. Shoot them and win points toward merchandise in the ranger station gift shop. (Photo: Kevin Adams)