WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Bill Richardson's withdrawal, the Obama administration has nominated a drunken sailor to serve as Secretary of Commerce. Arch Wheedon, age 49, has been thrown out of both the U.S. Navy and the Merchant Marines for chronic alcoholism. He is married to four women, fathered nine children, pays no alimony or child support, and spends every cent he gets on gin, cigarettes, and Slim Jims. "Total transparency," said future white house chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. "What you see is what you get with Arch." Insiders believe Wheedon will be a better fit for the new administration's free-wheeling spending plan. "Arch couldn't hang onto a buck with two hands full of Super Glue," said Emmanuel. "That's the sort of fiscal leadership this country needs."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Denied a seat for improper credentials by the Secretary of the Senate, Illinois appointee Roland Burris may yet enter the senate chamber provided he crouches. According to congressional historian Kelly Horner, "There are a number of obscure rules that Burris could use. For example, he could crouch next to his seat and put papers or a briefcase on top. Or he could squat. There's also a provision for Burris to sit on the floor yoga-style, provided his knees don't stick up in the air like duck wings." Burris is said to be considering these and other options such as offering the Secretary of the Senate a sack of cash.
GAZA STRIP - In a recent strike on a Hamas government complex, the Israeli Air Force dropped the world's first green bombs. Developed by Sweden, the bombs were given to Israel for testing, according to Swedish government spokesperson Alrik Ellstrom. "We wanted people to war responsibly, with an eye on the environment." Ellstrom stated that detonation released thousands of date palm seeds which would scatter and grow, offsetting target damage plus the attacking jet's fuel. In addition to thousand-pound bombs, Sweden has developed 40 millimeter shells that release tangerine seeds, and a cluster bomb that spreads mums.
PORT DARWIN, AUSTRALIA - A spear-fisherman was saved from attack by a huge dolphin after several sharks enclosed the man in a protective circle. Eric Diggery, age 29, observed the incident from a nearby sail boat. "The dolphin had this fella and was tossing him up in the air like a big ball, ya see? Then these white-tips showed up and sorta protected him." Diggery reported that after the dolphin swam away, the sharks turned on the fisherman and devoured him. Added Diggery, "Then me mates and I sailed over and blew up the white-tips with some old Jap hand grenades we'd found on New Guinea. But that's how things go. One minute you're prey and the next minute you're prey. Life's a bit of hell in the sea, you know?"
With the ending of the Bush administration, anti-war puppeteers find themselves facing unemployment. "Just won't be the same," said puppeteer Ed Fowler. Since 2003, Fowler has appeared in over 700 anti-war protests and has built and operated numerous giant puppets including Bush as the devil, Bush as Hitler, Bush as a crazed cowboy, and Bush in drag holding cash and a nuclear bomb. Fowler has considered using his puppets in some form of advertising. "Maybe Bush will open a supermarket and I can work the parking lot." But so far, the activist-puppeteer has had no luck finding work. "I called the Jim Hensen company," said Fowler. "But they don't need giant puppets. And I don't make small ones. So I guess we're headed in different directions."
GALLUP, NM - Following record fourth quarter losses, the National Bear Baiting Association reported cutbacks are ahead for 2009. "In tough times, consumers drop the frills and, sadly, that includes bear baiting," said industry spokesperson Terry Cunningham. Rottweiler and other attack dog breeders are expected to feel the crunch, along with Kodiak bear rentals, chain manufacturers and wooden post suppliers. "It's a sad time," said Cunningham. "Families just won't be able to watch hunting dogs savage a pissed-off bear chained to a post. You gotta believe the kids will suffer most."
NEW YORK CITY, NY - In deep financial trouble, the New York Times has ceased printing news stories and, instead, begun selling a variety of home-baked pies. "Some of our staff have experience making such things," said Times spokesperson Julian Van Dyke. "As a result, we've laid off everyone but those who can bake and the ad reps." So far, the Times has baked blueberry, cherry, and yam pies which are selling in the lobby of the New York Times building for seventy-thousand dollars each. Van Dyke commented, "Once pies restore our situation, we'll hire back some editors and do news again."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Bill Richardson's withdrawal, the Obama administration has nominated a drunken sailor to serve as Secretary of Commerce. Arch Wheedon, age 49, has been thrown out of both the U.S. Navy and the Merchant Marines for chronic alcoholism. He is married to four women, fathered nine children, pays no alimony or child support, and spends every cent he gets on gin, cigarettes, and Slim Jims. "Total transparency," said future white house chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. "What you see is what you get with Arch." Insiders believe Wheedon will be a better fit for the new administration's free-wheeling spending plan. "Arch couldn't hang onto a buck with two hands full of Super Glue," said Emmanuel. "That's the sort of fiscal leadership this country needs." 
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