BOSTON, MA - WGBH intends broadcasting a holiday special starring former terrorist William Ayers. The special, described by one source as "like spending Christmas day being scolded by a scary man," initially seemed doomed. "The show was four hours long," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "And Professor Ayers wanted it shown without breaks." PBS balked, but at the last moment "it became financially possible, thanks to a grant from the Chubb Foundation." Filmed in Chicago, one Christmas party segment featured Ayers yelling through a megaphone at second graders for their "toy lust and greed when kids all over the world are being blown apart by a kill-crazed U.S. war machine." Another segment showed Ayers, dressed as Santa Claus, handing youngsters gifts from Cuba: rope sandals (all in Men's size 9) and a coloring book describing how to inform on your parents. "It's a bit preachy," admitted Taylor-Logan, "but we're hoping viewers hang around for the action stuff, like when the Professor dynamites a Burger King."
ODESSA, TX - Prior to setting down at Edwards Air Force Base, space shuttle Endeavour made an unscheduled landing. Karen Holden, age 39, reported that the shuttle roared down into a large vacant field near the 7-11 where she works. According to Holden, seven astronauts entered the store and purchased diet Cokes, Gatorade, a fruit pie, pretzels, and two Mega Million lotto tickets as well as a Cash Five. Holden stated she was paid in rolled up balls of aluminum foil that the astronauts claimed was "space money." NASA promised further investigation.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The People's All-Natural Theatre announced they will be staging The Nutcracker with a cast of recently released, maximum security inmates. "We wanted 'street.' We wanted gritty-now-realism," said director Toby Manning, age 47. Recovering from a stab wound inflicted by the Mouse King, Manning felt his actors' natural menace would bring an edginess to a production in dire need of same. "For years we've put on the same boring fantasy. Now, finally, we've dragged "Nutcracker" into the 21st century." Rehearsals have been suspended, pending the recovery of lights and equipment believed to have been "borrowed" by Herr Drosselmeyer and the Sugar Plum Fairy.
LOS ANGELES, CA - Auto show goers checked out the latest in green motoring as they inspected the new Ford Heap. While appearing to be a rusted, undriveable wreck, the Heap featured an impressive zero mpg for city driving and zero mpg for highway. "It's not pretty, but we're talking no carbon footprint," said Ford spokesperson Marian Osgood. "Plus there's no battery or tires to clog up landfills." Osgood stated the Heap would be reasonably priced. "You're buying the future of this planet and we're only asking $21,000 plus taxes, license, and fees. That's a deal we can all live with."
GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - CIA interrogators have dropped waterboarding in favor of showing terrorist suspects a DVD of the Rosie O'Donnell show. Rosie Live aired on NBC to scathing reviews, but this prime time program has already yielded intelligence dividends. "I couldn't talk fast enough," said Algerian IED expert LakhdarBelkacem. "I gave up everybody." Captured in Afghanistan, Belkacem stood up to isolation, sleep deprivation and waterboarding, but cracked during Rosie's banter with Spamalot star Clay Aiken. "So cloying and trite," said Belkacem. "And her singing was like a goat trapped in the rocks." NBC considered cancelling O'Donnell, but sources hint the National Security Agency may underwrite an additional 12 episodes.
HOUSTON, TX - High above the earth, the crew of the space shuttle Endeavour have declined freeze-dried turkey, yams, beans and cornbread in favor of piping hot turkey urine. Following recent experiments drinking their own recycled liquid waste, the seven astronauts indicated they would prefer turkey water to solid food. NASA has declined comment other than to say that the astronauts' choice in no way reflects upon the quality of normal space food. "Hey, who knows?" speculated an unnamed NASA source, "This could be the next Tang."
SACRAMENTO, CA - A government study revealed that most Californians dislike being stuck in traffic the day before Thanksgiving. Costing 2.5 million dollars, the four-year study collected data from drivers caught in massive traffic jams or waiting out the snarl at rest stops. In addition, portions of the funding we're used to compare holiday traffic patterns in Las Vegas, Nevada and the Morongo Indian Casino near Palm Springs. Results indicated that holiday drivers stalled in these locations were also displeased, while people conducting government studies weren't.
BOSTON, MA - WGBH intends broadcasting a holiday special starring former terrorist William Ayers. The special, described by one source as "like spending Christmas day being scolded by a scary man," initially seemed doomed. "The show was four hours long," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "And Professor Ayers wanted it shown without breaks." PBS balked, but at the last moment "it became financially possible, thanks to a grant from the Chubb Foundation." Filmed in Chicago, one Christmas party segment featured Ayers yelling through a megaphone at second graders for their "toy lust and greed when kids all over the world are being blown apart by a kill-crazed U.S. war machine." Another segment showed Ayers, dressed as Santa Claus, handing youngsters gifts from Cuba: rope sandals (all in Men's size 9) and a coloring book describing how to inform on your parents. "It's a bit preachy," admitted Taylor-Logan, "but we're hoping viewers hang around for the action stuff, like when the Professor dynamites a Burger King."
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