Christmas Day! Have a Doughnut!

Merry Christmas to all! Open presents and enjoy the day with Orson Welles and Liberace.

h/t: DanniMckenzie

Homeless Volunteer to Feed Hollywood Stars

LOS ANGELES, CA - As Americans prepare to dine on turkey and cranberries, the nation's homeless have not forgotten those more fortunate than most. Generous homeless have announced that for the second year in a row they'll attempt to deliver simple meals to Hollywood stars. "Didn't work out too good last year," said a homeless volunteer named Gus. "I tried to give a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and some Slim Jims to George Clooney but he had a security guard tase me." Salty Sally of the Midnight Mission on San Pedro St. tried to bring a plate of chili and a half bottle of old Bud to Matt Damon. "Old Matt had his housekeeper chase me with dogs and one of 'em ate my comb." The homeless are generally surprised by their harsh reception at celebrity homes. "We never do squat to 'em down here," said Gus. "They're always so nice serving turkey with the TV cameras on." Gus was quick to point out that not all celebrities were jerks. "Kim Kardashian didn't want any boloney but she let me drink out of her garden hose so that was cool."
Image:bum wine

Hollywood Misplaces Pro-Iraqi War Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Memorial Day, a sheepish Hollywood establishment admitted they had accidentally lost all films depicting the military in Iraq and Afghanistan in a positive light. "We could only find the films showing G.I.'s as either brain-dead killers or victims of George W. Bush and his criminal policies," said MGM studio exec. Seth Lane. Lane pointed to films such as Green Zone, In the Valley of Elah, Grace is Gone, Redacted and Lions for Lambs as negative examples of Americans fighting in a post-9/11 world.

"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
(Image: newbusters.org)

May Day Festivities Attract Bums and Old Commies

ALLIANCE, OH - On this traditional day celebrating international labor activism, reports around the country indicate an unusually high turn out of tramps, winos, and aging communists nostalgic for the Pol Pot regime. Willa Martin, a former supervisor with the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles felt America needed a few years before the cities could be emptied out and Year Zero properly begun. "We're getting there,"grinned Martin, raising a clenched fist. "But it may take a few more elections." At a May Day Rally and Speech in Alliance, over 30 homeless men and nine well-dressed, elderly Marxists called for the repeal of the United States Constitution and its replacement with a worker's state granting all free access to taverns. "You must create with the material at hand," said Lawrence Merrick, a retired sociology professor. "The homeless wanted free access to bars, liquor stores, and saloons. So we added that plank. Then they wanted free Arby's 24/7. So we added that too. Alinsky would've understood."

Merry Christmas and Zombies

Thoughtful holiday tips on dealing with the undead.

Gifts from the Hugo Chavez Catalog

Last minute items you can't just buy anywhere.

Clown-Bear Fights Stage Holiday Comeback

MEDFORD, OR - For the first time in 15 years, clown-bear fights are back, pitting grease-painted funny men against starving Kodiak bears. Banned for many years by Clown Rights Activists, a recent court case overturned an injunction, allowing the return of this holiday staple. "My dad always took us kids to clown-bear fights," said Eric Derking, a Medford mechanic. "I still recall the first time I saw clowns ramming a bear in a little car. Then the bear tore off the door, pulled out about seven clowns and killed them all. My sister and I talked about it for months. She still has dreams." Medford Parks and Recreation Department reported a full card of clown-bear combat is slated for Wed. Dec. 23 at the Santo Community Center. "We're bringing in plenty of sawdust to soak up all the blood and seltzer water," said Parks spokesperson Michelle Hogan. "Also, the Red Cross has put out a call for blood donors, especially AB - and B +." Hogan dismissed PETA criticism that bears were mistreated in the past. "At the last one, back in '94, this clown got off a great shot with one of those guns where the flag comes out and says 'Bang.' He nailed a bear in the eye and blinded it. Then four other clowns set the bear on fire with blow torches—which they weren't supposed to have. This flaming Kodiak crashed through a window, ran into the street and got crunched by a Peterbilt hauling sofa beds. So it was over quick." Eric Derking will bring his children. "Fathers love exposing kids to special events from their youth. And in Medford, nothing says 'Happy Holidays' like a bear with a pie mashed in its face biting a clown in the head. I still have dreams." (Photo: mystockvoice...&scrapetv.com)