May Day Festivities Attract Bums and Old Commies

ALLIANCE, OH - On this traditional day celebrating international labor activism, reports around the country indicate an unusually high turn out of tramps, winos, and aging communists nostalgic for the Pol Pot regime. Willa Martin, a former supervisor with the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles felt America needed a few years before the cities could be emptied out and Year Zero properly begun. "We're getting there,"grinned Martin, raising a clenched fist. "But it may take a few more elections." At a May Day Rally and Speech in Alliance, over 30 homeless men and nine well-dressed, elderly Marxists called for the repeal of the United States Constitution and its replacement with a worker's state granting all free access to taverns. "You must create with the material at hand," said Lawrence Merrick, a retired sociology professor. "The homeless wanted free access to bars, liquor stores, and saloons. So we added that plank. Then they wanted free Arby's 24/7. So we added that too. Alinsky would've understood."