Daley Attempted to Bribe Winter Storm

CHICAGO, IL. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley tried to head off a massive winter storm by offering the weather system a six-figure position with the Chicago Transit Authority. "This was a sweet job," said one CTA insider. "All the weather had to do was show up once or twice a week, sign a few things and cash the check." According to sources, the weather was to have been appointed a diversity supervisor earning a yearly salary of $237,890, 17 weeks of vacation, 52 sick days for the first year, increasing to 79 in years two and three, and a pension based on the first year's salary. In return, the weather was supposed to dump most of its snow on Gary, Indiana and freeze southern Michigan. At the same time, the Windy City was to receive light precipitation and mild winds. However negotiations broke down over having the winter storm be responsible for precinct walking and turning out the vote in the city's Jefferson Park area. "We've never tried doing business with a weather system," said the insider. "It's been a learning experience for all parties." (Image: cinnabitch.blogspot.com)

Blizzard Hampers Anti-Smoking Program

NEW YORK CITY, NY - As finger pointing continues over the city's haphazard response to a devastating winter storm, Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg expressed concern about the fate of his no-smoking campaign. "Winter weather is natural but tobacco use is preventable," said the Mayor. "We can't allow a little snow to derail our efforts." Bloomberg triggered criticism for diverting snow plows to bodegas and convenience stores to ensure these businesses displayed posters of diseased lungs designed to frighten smokers. In addition, Bloomberg hired dozens of unemployed actors, sending them out into the storm to roam Manhattan wearing sandwich boards saying, 'Smoking is Not Permitted in New York City.' "Blizzards  make individuals tense," noted the Mayor. "And tension may be used as an excuse to reach for a cigarette. If a potential smoker sees someone wearing a no-smoking sign, it could remind them to think before acting." Many of the actors had not reported back, but Bloomberg was unconcerned. "Those sandwich boards are constructed out of durable wood. In a crisis, you could huddle down inside one tepee style. Once the  storm subsides, our people can return to work and prevent smoking. We're just going to hope for the best. Fortunately, New York City has plenty of actors. However those signs are city property." (Image: dailymail.com.uk)

Serial Killers Hampered by Heavy Rains

SANTA ROSA, CA - Herman Belm had a body to discard but Mother Nature had other plans. "I threw this guy's husk into a drainage ditch," said Belm, who colorfully refers to bodies as 'husks.' "But the water level was so high, the husk got washed along about a mile then snagged on a bridge. Now anybody can see it." Belm's disposal dilemmas mirror those of dozens of California serial killers, forced to improvise during some of the worst rains ever to hit the Golden State. Belm has had victims escape his basement during black outs, seen his special manacle-equipped van wrecked in a flash flood, and lost his murder kit in deep mud. "I can't tell you how maddening this last week has been," moaned Belm. "I already believe everyone is against me and that I'm surrounded by numerous enemies. Then this storm rolls in and confirms every suspicion the voices have been telling me for years."

Other serial killers, though angry and frustrated, take a more philosophical approach. Gordon Zillmeiner, who kills migrant farm workers near Fresno, feels the rains are a sign. "I've been working so hard lately, plus the holidays. Maybe nature is telling me to ease off on the throttle a bit and enjoy life more." With another storm due to hit this weekend, Multiple Life Expungers like Belm and Zillmeiner must adapt as best they can. "My husk count is way down," raged Belm. "Hopefully it [incoming storm] won't last long. I'm ready to snap."(Images: associatedcontent; CNN)

Haiti Tops Nashville in Disaster Derby

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a survey of 200 Hollywood and media figures conducted after last week's White House Correspondent's Dinner, Haiti topped Nashville as "Coolest Disaster" 59% to 19% with 2% undecided. A CBS reporter, who asked not to be named, said Nashville fell into a narrative gap. "I don't know. Nashville. Who cares? But Memphis would be a different story because of the Graceland angle." Justin Bieber's accountant was more direct, "Nashville lacks Third World Charm. They don't have anything sexy like voodoo or zombies, just country music." The remaining votes were split among runner-ups Venezuela, Mexico, and The Green Zone.

IPCC: Snowpocalypse Hottest Blizzard on Record

NEW YORK CITY, NY- The IPCC has released data confirming that a huge blizzard striking the U.S. east coast is not only the hottest record snowfall ever recorded, but a clear sign of the shifting face of global warming. "Climate change is cunning like a mongoose or a very sneaky man," said IPCC spokesman Sanjuk Patel. "It circles around to attack in forms you would not recognize such as vast clouds of snow." Under fire from critics for inserting unproven global warming claims into reports, as well as the use of divination, the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has conducted a rigorous internal review. According to Patel, the result is tougher standards resulting in irrefutable science. To back the claim that snow is hotter now than at anytime in earth's past, Patel cited data vetted by Nickelodeon Kids' News and the National Wildlife Federation's Ranger Rick Green Zone. "This is a molten blizzard. Period. End of story," said Patel. "And while it has the appearance of cold, you must not be confused by deniers, clearly in the pay of large corporations." Patel was emphatic as he urged the public to "throw away the evidence of your senses and trust the IPCC. I do."

IPCC Defends Use of Divination

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A spokesman for the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has defended the panel's use of divination to forecast melting glaciers in the Andes. Said Sanjuk Patel, "We employed an Augur who watched the flight of various birds. By studying the birds' formation, he was able to predict that global warming was melting glaciers in the Andes. This man is credentialed at an important Augury school. What more do you need?" Answering his own question, Patel said the Augur's work was subjected to robust peer-review. "A Chinese sorcerer dropped a handful of magic sticks. When he picked them up, they all pointed in the direction of Chile." In addition, a man who dowses for water was asked by Patel whether the Andes' glaciers were melting. He felt it was probably so. "It's not like we pull this information out from between our hams," said Patel. "Global warming is too vital an issue to be left to chance."

Danish Police Use Green Nightsticks in COP15 Clashes

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - As demonstrations continued at COP15, Danish police used green law enforcement tools including organic nightsticks and spray irritants made from natural fluids. Said police spokesperson Nidhug Filtenborg, "There has been violence, yes. People have been struck, yes. But our [Danish police] tools are the tools of a clean planet." Filtenborg pointed out that Danish riot police wield sustainable nightsticks, shorter than a standard nightstick, and made from a type of hardened flax. "After hitting demonstrators 20 to 30 times, the nightsticks are recycled into linen cloth or for linseed oil extract." In addition, Filtenborg stated crowd irritants such as pepper spray are really a potent form of oolong tea. "This tea, yes? It's oolong, but it has been left inside a public restroom for several weeks. It is quite annoying and makes the eyes different." In what Filtenborg describes as a law enforcement break-through, Danish tear gas is a condensed steam extracted from the clothing of obese people returning from the tropics. "Good day and good luck getting a whiff of that," said Filtenborg. "But it's all natural and that makes everything proper and correct." (Photo: BBC)

Brie Shortage Mars UN Climate Change Summit

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Minister Connie Hedegaard's speech on global unity in the face of climate change was disrupted when the brie ran out at the Climate Change Buffet, leading delegates to murmur and grumble. "They murmured very loudly," said Hedegaard, Danish Minister for Climate and Energy. "I had a microphone and I could still hear the murmuring, and the grumbling as well." In addition to brie shortages, delegates reported the risotto contained leeks and shitake mushrooms, but no truffles as advertised. "Our we to down grade the world's economy on an empty stomach?" asked UN climate chief Yvo de Boer. Culinary snafus led several delegations to leave Bella Center and fly their private jets to France for lunch. "All the braised lamb shanks were eaten by NGOs," said Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "Those who believe most deeply in climate change should not be the ones starving. It isn't fair." (Photo: 7akifadi.com)

Footwear Czar Wants Crocs Mandatory

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Zaha Caputo, President Obama's Footwear Czar, has declared her intention to make Crocs the national shoe: "Americans would wear boards on their feet without common-sense government guidelines." In an interview with Odd Shoe Quarterly, Caputo stated clog-shaped Crocs go with practically everything, adding, "Givenchy and Tory Burch are coming out with Croc versions including a strappy sandal and a chunky high-heel. There's no longer any reason not to be wearing them - other than stylistic racism." Made of recycled PVC pipe and dyed frog skin, Crocs are environmentally sustainable, according to Caputo, and would help contribute to a national purpose. "Imagine a nation wearing Crocs? Imagine Donald Trump and Joy Behar and the Navy Seals all wearing the same fun, inexpensive footwear? That is why I became Footwear Czar. That is why I dream." (Photo: earthskyknitter.wordpress.com)

Winter Storm Eludes Watchers

VENTURA, CA - A winter storm system escaped detection, dumping several inches of rain on this coastal California city. "We were watching all night," said National Weather Service spokesperson Amanda Wynn. "Radar had the storm spotted, but it slipped past us. We think it went inland, then doubled back west, traveling low to avoid radar." And if the storm had been continuously tracked? "Same amount of rain," said Wynn, "but we would've felt better. It's embarrassing to lose something that huge. Maybe we could shoot tracking darts into storms like they do with bears? Then we could follow the system by helicopter. I don't know. I'm just spit-balling."