UN Proposes Crap Currency

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The UN Conference on Trade and Development (UNCTAD) has proposed scrapping all currencies and replacing them with bills made of human waste. Said Lars Oafminster, UNCTAD spokesperson, "This is a renewable resource that would have all the value of the current U.S. dollar." And while economists agree on the comparative worth, they cite other issues not addressed in the UNCTAD report. "Dollars fold easily," said Merriman Vasely, economist at the University of Chicago, "but can we say the same for these new bills?" France and several other G20 nations have expressed reservations which Vasely feels are well-founded. "Countries wonder if the new bills will be good 'restaurant' money. How will cabbies react receiving a tip? Hopefully, these questions will be addressed. On the upside, you'd never run out of cash." (Photo: un.org)

Jones Leaves Behind Earth City

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has announced his resignation in order to devote more time to communism and 9/11 Truther work, leaving numerous green projects unfinished. Mila Paganette, a Green Jobs spokesperson, expressed a sense of loss. "Van wanted to dig a barge canal from Seattle to Utah using green technology such as wooden axes and shovels. That would've employed many people for a long, long time." In addition, there was the Deep Holes Project, in which Jones foresaw using tea party mobs to dig a series of deep holes in the Alaskan permafrost using green technology such as pots and pans. But Jones' crowning achievement was-to-have-been New Earth City - a vast metropolis constructed in southern Arizona and modeled after Karnak in Luxor. Colossal temples dedicated to the environment, activism, and community organizing were envisioned, surrounded by immense statues of Barack Obama, Robert Gibbs, and George Clooney. Only the greenest of technology would've been used in construction," sighed Paganette. "including sticks, mud, and air, filled with happy worker songs." Paganette believes New Earth City will still happen. "Van will build it as soon as he overthrows capitalism, frees Mumia and exposes the 9/11 plot. Until then, we'll just have to wait along with the rest of the country." (Photo: squidoo.com)

Van Jones Edges LaRouche in Nut Trifecta

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has edged perennial favorite Lyndon LaRouche in the 2009 Nut Trifecta. Sponsored by Nuts for Change, the yearly event crowns as winner the person holding three or more really crazy views for one year. Jones broke from the pack this week with the revelations that he was:
1. a communist
2. 9/11 Truther
3. a fee Mumia guy.
"Jones is surging," said Nut spokesperson Caliph Sydney. "But I think he'll fade. Lyndon is so grounded in nutism. He believes Newton's theory of gravity is a fraud and that Islam was invented by the Portuguese government. That's the low hanging fruit. And there's lots more where that came from." (Photo: newlivingexpo.com)

Cannibals Back ObamaCare

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Supporters of the President's healthcare plan expressed their displeasure by devouring a 65-year-old man who opposed a single-payer option. "He tasted like chicken," said Voracious American spokesperson Enoch Weathers. "But at least he'll no longer be shilling for the insurance companies." Weathers and other pro-healthcare cannibals back the government's plan because it eliminates prior conditions, something Weathers says the insurance companies use to discriminate against Voracious Americans. "Let an HMO find out you like eating people and they'll deny coverage. Is it any of their business?" Weathers grows angry when compared to cannibal zombies in movies such as Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead. "We have jobs and pets and loved ones. Most of us can drive cars. We care deeply and are very passionate about healthcare. And we'll eat anyone who gets in our way. Plus we won't shop at Whole Foods." (Photo: puncturewound.blogspot.com)

Bernanke Denounces Own Reappointment

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At an afternoon hearing before the House Banking Committee, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke denounced his record and mocked President Obama for reappointing him. "What a doofus," chortled the Fed Chairman. "I whiffed on the sub-prime market collapse. I had no clue Fannie and Freddie were feckless goofs. I've printed money like the King of Zimbabwe. Interest rates are so low, you can't find 'em with an electron microscope. And I stuffed so much Tarp money up Wall Street butts, they're still crapping cash. And now I've got four more years. Wheeee!" Fed insiders claim Bernanke had "eleven or twelve drinks" during lunch and really didn't mean what he said. "He's proud of what important media outlets say about his record," said one source. Bernanke closed his testimony with the statement, "I'm immortal! I can't be fired! Everyone like me!" (Photo: thisislondon.co.uk)

Silver Surfer Will Battle Scrooge McDuck

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney's acquisition of Marvel has produced its first hybrid production as work continues on a screenplay featuring the Silver Surfer locking horns with Scrooge McDuck. "No title yet," said Disney executive Scotty Arnette, "but we're excited to marry these franchises in a major motion picture." According to Disney sources, Scrooge McDuck attempts to acquire the Surfer's Power Cosmic, using a combination of bribes and lawsuits, tying the Silver Surfer up in court as Galactus returns to consume Earth. "We're thinking Law and Order meets Transformers," said Arnette, who will have creative control over the production unless the film bombs, at which time responsibility reverts back to the writer. Hoping for a release date around Christmas 2010, Arnette shared one of the film's set-pieces. "Here comes the Silver Surfer swooping down on Scrooge. But suddenly McDuck pulls out a big sack with $ on the side and clobbers the Surfer, knocking him off his board. Awesome, huh? We're working in something about the environment and hunting dolphins with shotguns. Maybe McDuck does it to chill. We're still noodling ideas around. But when we finish, that'll also be awesome."

Suspect Curbed Sexual Urges with Kidnapping

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY, CA - In a manuscript obtained by INI, convicted sex offender Phillip Garrido relates how he overcame sexual urges by learning how to kidnap and imprison an eleven-year-old girl. "She saved me," said Garrido. "If she [Jaycee Lee Dugard] hadn't been forced by me to live in a tent-compound in my back yard for eighteen years, there's no telling what sort of actions I might've taken." Psychologists call this 'substitution,' but Garrido calls it a miracle. "All I can say is thank goodness for kidnapping. It made me a responsible family man." (Photo: CNN/El Dorado Co. Sheriff)