Kevin Jennings to CIA for Interrogations

LANGLEY, VA - Information has leaked that Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jennings has been transferred to the Central Intelligence Agency for the purpose of interrogating captured terrorists. "It's a legal end-run," stated an anonymous source within the CIA. "With water boarding off the table, the agency figured to pressure terrorists by having Jennings threaten them with various exotic sexual practices." According to the source, the off-beat sexual practices were tacitly approved by Massachusetts' educators and included by Jenings in a pamphlet issued to school children. Attorneys have agreed that they [sexual practices] would fall outside any legal definition of torture. The source admired what he termed a "brilliant move. The agency isn't even calling it 'interrogation.' They're calling it a 'diversity seminar.' We have the Safe Schools Czar instructing a terrorist in tolerance by punching him up the butt with an iron glove. Think he'll talk? Win win." (Photo: theknightshop.co.uk)

Interpol Issued U.S. Hunting License

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As a way of raising money for health care, President Obama cancelled an executive order, now allowing Interpol to hunt U.S. citizens within the United States without fear of constitutional restraint. Before bagging Americans and hauling them off to World Court, Interpol agents must first take an online safety examination and a pre-certification test explaining how much more policing they'll accomplish without legal restraints faced by domestic law enforcement. Finally, Interpol must swear to only pursue "bad" people and those suspected of man-caused disasters. Foreign law enforcement licenses sell for $75, exam included, plus an annual $25 renewal fee. Interpol records will be kept at the Justice Department where they are inviolable. Attorney General Eric Holder stated Americans need not fear Interpol. "If you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. Besides, they'll have a license." (Photo: en.wikivisual.com)

Polanski Bullied in Swiss Prison, Forced to Build Clock

BERNE, SWITZERLAND - Reports have surfaced that imprisoned rapist Roman Polanski has been harassed by other prisoners who have forced him to build an intricate cuckoo clock. "Swiss prison is a tough place," said guard Gustav Hundhosen. "Polanski is perceived as weak, and so must construct amusing time pieces for the stronger prisoners." The noted film director had been assigned a workshop job making pocket knives for the military when he ran afoul of a several convicts. Polanski refused to direct their crude reenactment of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. Hundhosen stated, "For his refusal, Polanski must build a clock that features a maiden, a hag and an ogre all fighting over who will strike the hourly chime. And he will be required to get it correct in every detail or face the consequences, which will include shame and having his chocolate ration gobbled up." (Photo: mydeco.com)

Army Ignored Hasan Beheadings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A memo leaked from Walter Reed Medical Center revealed that Nidal Hasan beheaded numerous people in different incidents ignored by Army brass. Dated March 3, 2007, the memo from Hasan's supervisor at Walter Reed was addressed to the Credentials Committee. It read: "Subject: Cpt. Nidal Hasan - The faculty has serious concerns about Cpt. Hasan's professionalism and commitment to duty in that he has twice carried a large sword into the commissary and, while screaming 'Allahu Akbar,' beheaded personal eating pork rinds or BLT sandwiches. In addition, Cpt. Hasan has used a different large sword to behead a colleague for refusing to convert to Islam. This was done during a seminar and disrupted a Powerpoint presentation on depression. Cpt. Hasan's actions demonstrate poor judgement and behaviour inappropriate to an officer. We feel he may need counseling." A Pentagon spokesman downplayed the memo, stating, "His large swords were always confiscated. And, by the way, they weren't 'swords.' They were scimitars. Somebody flubbed a few details." (Photo: elfwood.com)

Supreme Court Punches, Kicks D.C. Sniper

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Slated to die this evening in Virginia, D.C. Sniper John Allen Muhammad was not only denied a final emergency appeal, but was brought before the Supreme Court and physically attacked. According to Muhammad's attorney, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg struck their client with an index to the Federal Register while Justice Clarence Thomas delivered a roundhouse kick to the face that floored the killer. Before he could rise, the other justices fell upon Muhammad, stomping him for masterminding the killing and wounding of 22 people nationwide in 2002. Justice Sonia Sotomayor attempted to cram a bacon sandwich into Muhammad's mouth but was stopped by Justice John Paul Stevens who stated it was his lunch. "Total ferocity," said a law clerk who wished to remain anonymous. "Sometimes they're sarcastic and arch, but I've never seen such an awesome beat-down. I can't wait to see what happens when they finally get Nidal Malik Hasan." (Photo: hosted.ap.org)

UN Proposes Crap Currency

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The UN Conference on Trade and Development (UNCTAD) has proposed scrapping all currencies and replacing them with bills made of human waste. Said Lars Oafminster, UNCTAD spokesperson, "This is a renewable resource that would have all the value of the current U.S. dollar." And while economists agree on the comparative worth, they cite other issues not addressed in the UNCTAD report. "Dollars fold easily," said Merriman Vasely, economist at the University of Chicago, "but can we say the same for these new bills?" France and several other G20 nations have expressed reservations which Vasely feels are well-founded. "Countries wonder if the new bills will be good 'restaurant' money. How will cabbies react receiving a tip? Hopefully, these questions will be addressed. On the upside, you'd never run out of cash." (Photo: un.org)

Robbery Suspect Employs Concealed Lobster

PLATTEVILLE, WI - Two banks and a grocery store were robbed by a man who produced a large lobster from inside his clothing and threatened employees. "Jeez, it was big," said First Bank of Platteville manager Jeff Alba. "Everyone was afraid of being pinched so we cooperated." The unidentified suspect next robbed Mound City Savings, then the A&P supermarket. Said supermarket employee Brandy Munchen, "It was weird. All he took were picnic supplies and tarter sauce." Local police are continuing the search, but fear the suspect may have destroyed evidence. (Photo: Ross Levitt/CNN)

World Court Hires Paula Abdul

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - The International Court of Justice has hired former American Idol judge Paula Abdul to rule on cases pending before the body. Said ICJ spokesperson Claude Abney: "No one pays attention to us or our rulings. Perhaps the presence of Ms Abdul will change all that."Abney said that for now, Abdul would be confined to deliberation on matters involving 'movement.' He explained: "Because of her dancing background, you see, we are hoping Ms Abdul has a sense, a flair, for the intricacies of international law involving motion." A choreographer, jewelry maker, and star of Bravo's Hey, Paula!, Abdul's inaugural case will involve a maritime dispute over navigational rights between Peru and Chile. "Will this be difficult? Can't say," said Abdul. "But it beats working with a limey snot like Simon Cowell." (Photo: realitytvmagazine.sheknows.com)

Blood-Drenched Man Questioned in Homicides

Granite City, N.H. - Police have detained a blood-drenched man, carrying a bloody ax as a suspect in a double homicide. "The deceased were killed with an ax," said Detective Angelo Martino. "The suspect was carrying an ax with a human lung stuck on the blade. We found this suspicious." In addition, the suspect claimed to be the killer, but police wish more time to investigate. "People often confess to crimes they never committed," said Martino. "This is because certain individuals are sick or stupid. If this man is the murderer, he'll be charged. If not, we'll return his bag of heads and he can go his merry way." (Photo:thebsreport.wordpress.com)

Sotomayor On Cover of Dumpy Judge Quarterly

LANSING, MI - In the midst of confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor can notch another first as she becomes the only Latina to grace the cover of Dumpy Judge Quarterly. Devoted to dumpy-looking judges, their insights, passions, and rulings, the magazine has traditionally chosen rumpled white men, jowly black men, and frumpy black and white women. "This is a first for the Hispanic community," said editor Enoch Radwin. "But she almost didn't make the cut." According to Radwin, the editorial board was split between Sotomayor and a circuit court judge whose unkempt hair stood up like Stan Laurel's. "He looked like he'd been asleep for fifteen years. Judging by his rulings, we're not overlooking the possibility, but Sotomayor is historic and "Dumpy Judge" has always been in the fore front of leaping on popular bandwagons."

Alger Hiss Prize Awarded to Myers

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Under house arrest, State Department spy Walter Myers was delighted to learn he'd won the coveted Alger Hiss Prize. "You work your whole life and, finally, your peers recognize you," said Myers. "I'm speechless until such time as my attorney arrives." Presented annually to the federal employee who spies for a communist government, the winner must have engaged in espionage for ideological reasons. "If you took cash, take a hike," said award chairman Mao Braverman. "We want candidates like Ana Belen Montes (2001 winner), who ratted out four U.S. agents to Havana while working at the Defense Intelligence Agency. That's the sort of forward-thinking initiative we value." Braverman said Hiss competition was stiff this year, following the unmasking of several Chinese agents, but Myers led the pack. "He spied for Cuba, then sailed his yacht around, ragging on capitalism. With an attitude like that, he could've been mayor of San Francisco or Kevin Spacey." Along with the Hiss award — a forty-pound iron slab containing a pen holder — Myers will receive a Beria wall calender, showing the KGB chief beating dissidents with a trench shovel, and a radio made of coal. (Photo: www.authentichistory.com)

Sanford Questioned in Michael Jackson Death

COLUMBIA, SC - Disgraced Governor Mark Sanford met with FBI agents regarding his whereabouts at the time of Michael Jackson's death.   (Photo: www.cnn.com&www.gossipcheck.com)

Myers Claims Yacht Caused Espionage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Suspected State Department spy Walter Myers and wife Gwendolyn intend blaming their yacht for 30 years of espionage on behalf of Cuba. According to a source close to the couple, having a boat reminded Walter Myers of the sea, and the sea reminded him of Cuba, and Cuba reminded him that sometimes communists worked in the American government. The next thing Myers knew, he had dragged his wife into espionage and couldn't get out. "It's a little rough right now," said the source, "and the time line needs a lot of work. But Walt's got good lawyers and this should be a honey of a defense. Think Adam and Eve if Adam came home with a forbidden yacht." In related news, the FBI discovered Cuban medals awarded to the Myers. Decorations included the Order of the Shot Dissident, Second Class, and the coveted Everything's Broken Medal. Other evidence indicates the Myers spent an evening with Castro in 1995 and were allowed to search his beard for hidden candies. (Photo: www.slooporion.com)

Armless Latina Judge Wiser than Sotomayor

EL PASO, TX - An armless Latina judge has petitioned the President for a Supreme Court appointment, arguing she is wiser than Sonia Sotomayor. "Sotomayor hasn't seen life through my eyes," said Maria Lucinda Perez. "After years of exercise, my feet can grip things like a chimp. I can smack a gavel and flip through legal documents. When things are slow, I can deal a deck of cards and play gin with the baliff. And no one overturns my legal opinions." Perez' appointment faces stiff competition from Sotomayor and a lesbian Latina judge from Florida who communicates through clicks and whistles, and can exhale poisonous gas. Even Perez was impressed, "Damn. Now that's a life experience." (Photo:www.windows.ucar.edu)

DOH Updates Threat Lexicon

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In addition to the Salvation Army, the Department of Homeland Security has issued an updated domestic extremism lexicon. Among groups needing law enforcement surveillance:

1. SHRINERS
This anarchist band may have ties to Turkish unltranationalists as indicated by a preference for the red fez. Once seen at conventions in great numbers, their size has shrunk but not their dedication to disruptive tactics. Fond of dropping water bags from hotel rooms onto pedestrians. This may be crude bombing practice. Airports should be especially vigilant for drunken, middle-aged, Caucasian men in red fezzes, carrying large numbers of paper bags.

2. MARY KAY COSMETICS
Right-wing, extremist women whose goal is to force all women (and weak men) to purchase their cosmetics. Operate in cells and recruit by offering "free facials." They have been known to dress nicely and utter right-wing, extremist Christian prayers to a deity known as "God." Law enforcement should monitor mail boxes for tell-tale signs such as large, pink boxes containing cosmetics.

3. KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
A fanatical wing of the Catholic Church. According to DOH consultant Dan Brown, the Knights hide in plain sight, frequenting bowling alleys and church banquets. All the while, they plot to eradicate science, force children to speak Latin, and bake all smart people in a big pie and gobble them up. Many carry swords and wear hats resembling 17th-century naval head gear. Ports and coastlines should be closely watched, as the Knights believe the Pope will walk out of the sea and breath fire and/or shoot a ray from his head.
(Photo: www.retrothing.com)

ACLU Sues Over Telephone Poles

LOS ANGELES, CA - The ACLU has sued Los Angeles County over the shape of telephone poles, claiming they resemble a cross. "This is a clear violation of the separation of church and state," said ACLU attorney Meena Groat-Campington. There has been no response from the County Board of Supervisors, though insiders say the Board is traditionally "pre-surrendered" to any ACLU threat. Groat-Campington added, "To erase a hostile atmosphere, we're asking the County to reshape all the telephone poles. Nothing fancy; just make them less 'crossy.'"
(Photo: www.iheartvector.com)

Bogeyman Sues University for Libel

SANTA BARBARA, CA - In a downtown courtroom, lawyers for the Bogeyman filed suit against the University of California Santa Barbara for libel and defamation of character. The suit specifically named the Political Science Department and Professor Clough Van Geiss, who was quoted in an L.A. Times article stating the War on Terror was nothing more than a bogeyman. "My client is sick and tired of having his name and occupation drug through the mud of partisan politics," stated attorney Gray Carrington. "And while he [Bogeyman] may inspire terror, it is purely personal, non-political and protected under Freedom of Expression." Professor Van Geiss refused all comment and, according to a university spokesperson, is "hiding under the covers with all the lights on until this thing blows over."
(Photo: profile.myspace.com)