Cheap Things to Do in NYC

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Despite being overtaxed and overpriced, New York features numerous activities that savvy tourists may enjoy for little or no money. Here's a quick list for your next Big Apple vacation.

Walk into Radio City Music Hall and view the wreckage of Charlie Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Show.

Order fries in a McDonald's and have them checked by Food Police, ensuring you're only eating as much salt as NYC public bureaucrats allow.

Go in winter and follow a tort lawyer around as he collects lawsuits from pedestrians who have slipped, fallen, or are deemed to have slipped and fallen on icy sidewalks.

Visit the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and take a virtual bank-bailout tour, illustrating how a proud, vigilant Fed watched quietly as greed and hapless government policies collapsed the economy.

Riker's Island Tour operates 24/7 but won't start until you throw a Slurpee on a cop. Then you're in the pipeline for a boat trip to a genuine prison island that's said to modeled after a John Carpenter film.

Porn Industry Concerned Over Government Shut-Down

VAN NUYS, CA - Internet porn producers fear a drop-off in traffic should the government close up shop. "They're our best customers," said Marty Zeefer, vice-president of Jugathon Productions. "There isn't a day goes by that a .gov computer isn't locked onto one of our sites for 20, 50, 170 minutes or more a visit. Government workers are number one at signing up for premium services and following numerous links to our affiliate sites. They're loyal customers and I'd hate to see a drop-off." When asked why the same employees wouldn't use home computers to access the same sites, Zeefer explained. "I used to work for the SEC, so I know whereof I speak: there's nothing sweeter than eyeballing hard-core porn on the public nickel. You wouldn't want to do it at home. It cuts into your hobbies."

Lady GaGa CD to Contain Sexual References

NEW YORK CITY, NY -  In a move that surprised many fans, pop sensation Lady GaGa has announced her latest CD will contain lyrics heavy with sexual references, sexual metaphors, sexual innuendo, and in-the-clear cries for sex. "You can't stand still," said music critic Adrian Hansen. "Lady 'G' is tired of singing chaste ballads about unrequited love. I think her new CD, Muffin Machine, will demonstrate the sensual side of a performer mostly known for subtlety and nuance." Rumors abound that the video sizzles as Lady GaGa discards the modest costumes of her previous efforts and embraces a new, bizarre, artsy look that insiders are calling 'Martian prostitute.' Hansen states that despite the new steamy approach Lady G songs will continue embracing a wide range of issues facing young people today. Titles on Muffin Machine include "I'm Baying For Your Hot Fun,""Lust Ramp," "Humping My Way Back to You,""Let's Swap STDs," and the touching number, "I'd Blow a Pony for Your Kiss." (Image: top eleven lists)                                                                                          

Muslims Riot Over 'Walk Like an Egyptian'

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN - Shouting anti-U.S. slogans Muslims erupted into the streets, killing 14 more people over a translation of the 1986 Bangles hit 'Walk Like an Egyptian.' According to U.N. worker Klaus Hibling, "From a loudspeaker, a mullah named Amanudin read a translation of the song in Dari and Pashto. He claimed the lyric 'doing the sand dance don't you know' was a mockery of Allah and all things Muslim. Amanudin cried that Allah would gobble up all believers in a ham pie if they didn't at once begin to burn and kill."

As crowds ransacked his apartment, Hibling hid in a  shower stall knowing it wouldn't be searched. "The Koran expressly prohibits touching plastic shower curtains with fish on them." During the riot, Hibling said Amanudin continued to incite the crowd over the loudspeaker. "He said that the lyrics 'Foreign types with the hookah pipes say Ay oh whey oh' were code words for 'teach a Muslim woman to read.' He also said Debbie Petersen only did backing vocals and didn't even play drums. On that song they used a drum machine. I don't know about that." Hibling felt it was fortunate that Islam was a religion of peace and not some brutal creed with many followers who were murderous, hypersensitive illiterates. "If that were true, people could really get hurt."
(Images: Wickipedia & Fox News)

Lindsey Graham New Spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows

WASHINGTON, D.C. - When his senate days end Lindsey Graham has a new job lined up as spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows, thanks to his call for punishing Americans who burn a Koran. "When we heard a United States Senator asking a man be held responsible for torching a Muslim religious book, we knew he was our guy," said Kraft spokesman Arnold Holton. "Our 16 ounce package of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows are so soft and billowy that only a man with a similar spine could do the product justice." South Carolina Republican Senator Graham hasn't officially accepted the position, but Holton is confident Kraft will prevail. "You can't offer a senator money. But you can offer the one thing they crave more than anything—media face time. In any case, if Graham passes we can always get Chuck Schumer."
(Image: Meijer.com)

NEA: Koran Burning Okay if 'Art'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commenting on the slaying of U.N. workers by an Afghan mob over the burning of a Koran, the National Endowment of the Arts stated the desecration might have been acceptable if done as a work of art. "Not that we would ever sponsor such a thing, and speaking theoretically, had the Koran been burned as part of a performance art piece or symbolically to show the fierce fires religion can ignite, then it might, possibly, have been within the bounds of innovative art," said NEA spokesman Martin O'Hara. O'Hara believes Pastor Terry Jones made a mistake when he burned the holy book as an exercise in free speech. "I'm not a lawyer, but I think free speech only applies to torching  American flags or dipping a crucifix in urine. There's a clear exemption for artifacts associated with a Religion of Peace." Asked if killing agnostic Europeans half a world away who had nothing to do with the incident seemed like a justifiable response, O'Hara paused thoughtfully. "I'm going to say 'yes' out of nuance and deep moral principle. Being called an 'Islamophobe' or getting slaughtered in public like an animal have nothing to do with my answer."

New White House Mandate: Wind-Powered Fighting Vehicles

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  President Obama's green vehicle directive has been expanded to include the U.S. Army which must convert its Bradley Fighting Vehicles (BVFS) to wind-power. In a speech last week, the President stated the entire federal fleet must consist of clean energy vehicles by 2015 and that included the Army. "Our future kinetic military actions must demonstrate to friend and foe alike this nation's commitment to sustainable energy."

According to Army spokesman Major Tom Alexander, the White House believed that since the Army often fights in deserts and other windy places, a propeller driven vehicle would make the most sense as well as leaving hardly any carbon footprint. "We're beginning with the M3A3 Cavalry version of the Bradley," said Maj. Alexander. "After removing the fuel tank and engine, a large propeller will be added on a tower fixed above the turret and only slightly impeding the firing of TOW and Dragon anti-tank missiles."

Abrams Tanks and Humvees will await retro-fitting pending field tests of the new green Bradleys under combat conditions in Afghanistan. "Should the wind die down consistently stranding vehicles in hostile locations, then we'll look into alternatives," said Alexander. "At present, that would involve purchasing a Nissan Leaf and fitting it with a 25mm Bushmaster Chain Gun. But I hope it doesn't come to that."
 (Image: globalsecurity.org)