Lady GaGa CD to Contain Sexual References

NEW YORK CITY, NY -  In a move that surprised many fans, pop sensation Lady GaGa has announced her latest CD will contain lyrics heavy with sexual references, sexual metaphors, sexual innuendo, and in-the-clear cries for sex. "You can't stand still," said music critic Adrian Hansen. "Lady 'G' is tired of singing chaste ballads about unrequited love. I think her new CD, Muffin Machine, will demonstrate the sensual side of a performer mostly known for subtlety and nuance." Rumors abound that the video sizzles as Lady GaGa discards the modest costumes of her previous efforts and embraces a new, bizarre, artsy look that insiders are calling 'Martian prostitute.' Hansen states that despite the new steamy approach Lady G songs will continue embracing a wide range of issues facing young people today. Titles on Muffin Machine include "I'm Baying For Your Hot Fun,""Lust Ramp," "Humping My Way Back to You,""Let's Swap STDs," and the touching number, "I'd Blow a Pony for Your Kiss." (Image: top eleven lists)                                                                                          

Criminally Insane Ballet Closes Abruptly

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A production of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake performed by street people and the criminally insane was closed by police after a brawl, a stabbing and a fire marred the debut performance. Presented by Toby Manning and the People's All-Natural Theatre, the performance marked the second year in a row that director Manning has been stabbed. "Ballet belongs to the masses," he said from a hospital bed. "Not just those who with fancy tights and dancing lessons and talent." Having received a 70,000 dollar stimulus grant to bring art to the community, Manning cast his production in the Tenderloin and at the Laguna Honda Hospital's criminally insane ward. One anonymous source close to the production stated the ballet was in trouble early on. "The Swan Queen Odette was played a by stripper who went by the stage name 'Fat Wad Toni.' Her choreography was limited to swinging from a pole and puffing on a cigar using her dewlap. Prince Siegfried was portrayed by a violent ex-con who sold his parents into slavery and used the money to buy malt liquor and huaraches. These were not ballet people." On opening night, curtain was delayed while the chorus roamed the audience panhandling. Manning herded most of them backstage, but then a fight broke out between the orchestra and cast members after a drunken Von Rothbart attempted to urinate in a bassoon. By the time Act II arrived, Prince Siegfried felt disrespected by Manning's attempts to prompt him. Violence erupted when Manning whispered for Siegfried to stay at the lake with Odette and stop hitting on members of the Swan Court. Siegfried slashed the director with a homemade knife made from paper clips and a rolled-up copy of the libretto. As paramedics worked on Manning, members of the hunting party and Odile cooked up a can of Sterno and set the backdrop ablaze. Police and fire units arrived, making dozens of arrests for assault, arson, parole violation, and smoking cigarettes outside without guilt. (Photo: stomptokyo.com)

Anthropogenic Accordion Music Threatens Planet

BELOIT, WI - Inspired by the UN Climate Summit, one accordion player is pumped up over playing green. "I need to do my part and help the Earth by performing smarter, more energy efficient songs," said musician Andy "Stosh" Czarninski. Czarninski has vowed to avoid up tempo ditties such as 'Flight of the Bumblebee' or Klezmer music, instead concentrating on sustainable tunes such as John Lennon's 'Give Peace a Chance.' "After a point, its the same notes over and over forever. That's efficient and sustainable if you can stay awake." Czarninski, who plays a Hohner 460 Polkamaster with Tyrolean shoulder straps, suggests fellow accordion players keep their instruments in tune by checking metal coil springs and rubber membrane contacts. "And don't forget the bellows. Make sure there's no leaks. That way the reeds will respond better to pressure changes. That's how we can play sustainable songs and save the world. Anyone says different is an accordion denier." (Photo:library.thinkquest.org)

Adam Lambert Guest Stars on Sesame Street

NEW YORK CITY, NY - American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert caused a sensation with his bawdy performance on a recent episode of Sesame Street, leading to thousands of parental complaints. During Murray's Word on the Street segment the gay glam rocker refused to interact and, instead, shoved Murray's face into his crotch. Later, Lambert dry humped Bert and Ernie, planted a full facial kiss on the Count, and attempted to press amyl nitrite and a hotel key into the hand of the Cookie Monster. Adam Lambert was defiant. "I'm a gay man and a gay entertainer. Anyone who doesn't like what I do is homophobic." The popular PBS educational program admitted they made a terrible mistake in casting Lambert. "We thought he'd have fun with the Muppets and sing a cute song," said a PBS spokesperson who requested anonymity. "But this was real seedy." (Photo: hollywooddame.com & mommyreporter.com)

Polka Stars Demand Gitmo Investigation

MILWAUKEE, WI - Concerned Polka Artists Against Guantanamo (CPAAG) have demanded an investigation into which polka tunes were played for prisoners under interrogation. "We found out through a Freedom of Information paper that they played our songs to some of those guys," stated CPAAG spokesperson Stan Haskellet. A polka musician himself, and composer of the "Toothless Bride Two-Step," Haskellet and CPAAG are upset that their music was used without proper licensing. "BMI and ASCAP (music licensing agencies) got no paperwork, nothing. So how we supposed to get royalties? If Myron Floren were alive he'd spit beer kegs." The music of Haskellet and 'Sweet Barry' Kowalski of the Polkawhirls has been mentioned in official documents as being particularly effective in getting prisoners to talk. "Well, Okay, so some Arab fellas blabbed," said Haskellet. "But we still want to know which songs by which artists and how many times were they played. And we'd better start seeing checks or somebody's getting an accordion up their kiester." (Photo: henrydoktorski.com)

Treasure Map Found on Kayne West's Head

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL - A map that could lead to a long-sought Mayan treasure was discovered on the head of R&B/Hip-Hop artist Kayne West. West was stunned to learn that his intricate cranial decoration held a cryptic meaning. Said West, "I went to my hair stylist and said, 'Cut it cool and don't make it look like a map.' But the fool did it anyway. Now the map turns out to be real. Crazy." Scientists and treasure hunters, working off photos of West's skull taken at the MTV Video Awards, have located the treasure in the ruins of an ancient Mayan temple complex deep in the Guatemalan jungle. An expedition is in the forming stages, however several meetings have been disrupted by West, bursting in and promoting Robert Ballard as expedition leader even though the treasure is not located under the sea. One scientist remarked, "Pity the map wasn't on P-Diddy's head. We'd have found the treasure and spent it by now." (Photo: Getty)