Cannes Film Festival Kidnapped by Aliens, World Okay

CANNES, FRANCE - Stunned onlookers reported a vast alien space craft descended over the city and fired a ray of unknown origin that engulfed the entire 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival. The monstrous spacecraft, reported to be triangular in shape, used the ray to suck the film festival inside its hull then rapidly ascended, vanishing into the clouds. Among the missing are Sean Penn, Woody Allen, a number of French directors and many artistic sophisticates from across the globe.  Reaction among the world's populations has ranged from cautious optimism to a hard-to-pin-down happiness.

In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)

Superman Kills Homeowner For Incandescent Bulb Use

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a dark green twist for the Man of Steel, Superman will defend the Earth by killing a man using incandescent bulbs. According to insiders at D.C. Comics, who leaked the story and artwork, an upcoming Action Comics features Superman responding to a call for help from California Governor Jerry Brown and patrolling the Golden State, using x-ray vision to peer through roofs and locate people using banned incandescent bulbs.

While crossing high above Thousand Oaks, Superman spots a home burning incandescents. Furious, he lands and lectures the homeowner named Hicks and his family on the need to comply with California's green laws and use Compact Fluorescent Lights to  forestall environmental apocalypse. There is an argument and Hicks tells the Man of Steel to mind his own business.

Bellowing 'It's my planet too!' Superman punches Hicks in the chest, killing him instantly and sending the man's heart sailing out his back and across the countryside, dripping blood before it lands in Nevada. (This is a marvelously inked sequence of panels and will probably win an Eisner Award.)

Superman then lectures the grief-stricken family on how failure to put planet over self always leads to tragedy. When Mrs. Hicks calls Superman 'a monster,' the costumed superhero sadly shakes his head. 'No, Ma'am. Green scofflaws like you are the real evil. Oh, and let's have those incandescents out by tomorrow, shall we?"

Said the anonymous D.C. source, "We have a stable of caring, concerned superheroes who, frankly, could be doing a lot more for environmental safety and a greener world. We hope Superman's actions are the first step in a dialogue that will eventually remove the stigma of homicide from acts of planetary self-defense."

Other D.C. characters will be joining Superman in upping the environmental ante. The source stated he'd seen an outline for a graphic novel in which Flash and Aquaman catch a man mixing plastic recycling with green waste and beat him to death with pipes.

NEA: Koran Burning Okay if 'Art'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commenting on the slaying of U.N. workers by an Afghan mob over the burning of a Koran, the National Endowment of the Arts stated the desecration might have been acceptable if done as a work of art. "Not that we would ever sponsor such a thing, and speaking theoretically, had the Koran been burned as part of a performance art piece or symbolically to show the fierce fires religion can ignite, then it might, possibly, have been within the bounds of innovative art," said NEA spokesman Martin O'Hara. O'Hara believes Pastor Terry Jones made a mistake when he burned the holy book as an exercise in free speech. "I'm not a lawyer, but I think free speech only applies to torching  American flags or dipping a crucifix in urine. There's a clear exemption for artifacts associated with a Religion of Peace." Asked if killing agnostic Europeans half a world away who had nothing to do with the incident seemed like a justifiable response, O'Hara paused thoughtfully. "I'm going to say 'yes' out of nuance and deep moral principle. Being called an 'Islamophobe' or getting slaughtered in public like an animal have nothing to do with my answer."

Harvard Halts Homophobe Hunt; Blames 'Books and Urine' Art Project

BOSTON, MA - Harvard University has called off the search for a homophobe vandal and now states that 36 LGBT library books soaked in urine were part of a new federal art project. Said Harvard librarian Amiee Lyttle-Klunder, "We should've remembered. Last week, Harvard participated in a project called "Books and Urine." Funded by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, the project involved local artists pouring urine from homeless people onto university books. Lyttle-Klunder continued: "The purpose was to demonstrate how universities deny [the homeless] a free higher education. We were told in advance and I guess the word didn't reach all the staff. So no harm, no foul expect for the urine smell. It's quite heady."

But Harvard's Queer Student alliance remains sceptical. "How come they didn't pee all over Christian books then jam a crucifix upside in a urine cup? That's how you know its NEA." Lyttle-Klunder hoped the misunderstanding would blow over, but defended Books and Urine. "Art is meant to be challenging; to shake you out of your comfort zone." Nevertheless she expressed reservations about a follow-up NEA project. "It's called "Books and Number 2." I hope it's not what I think it is. I really do." (Image: Shroomery)

San Francisco Bans Travel to Arizona by Feces Art Troupe

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Angry over Arizona's new immigration law, Mayor Gavin Newsom banned all travel to the state by a city-sponsored troupe specializing in feces art. "If they want to keep their grant, they'll stay away from Arizona," said city spokesman Dabney Overton. The New Crap Players, who act the works of Harold Pinter on a stage littered with dung, have been performing The Caretaker to sold-out houses in the Bay Area, but had no immediate plans to tour. "I don't know why he [Mayor Newsom] said that. We weren't planning on visiting Arizona or anywhere else," said Crap director Jay Helian. "Besides, we're not really into travel. We'd have to pack all our shit." According to Overton, Mayor Newsom is determined to starve Arizona of the Bay Area's finest city-sponsored art. "If Arizona doesn't repeal their immigration law, they can forget ever seeing Bearded Men in Blue Eye Shadow Dancing While Dressed as Nuns. No way. Too bad. They'll only have themselves to blame."

Archie and Jughead Tangle with Tea Parties

MAMARONECK, NY - Archie Andrews and Jughead Jones will clash with Tea Parties in an upcoming issue of the long-running Archie comic book series. Said writer Dylan Kraw, "We wanted something that would threaten Riverdale High. And would could be more threatening than a non-union mob?" In Kraw's story, "Tea Bag For Two," a Reggie Mantle prank backfires after he suggests a Tea Party group demand Riverdale eliminate all science classes and use the money to form a rifle club. When the howling throng arrives, Mr. Weatherbee blames Archie, who is sent to detention. Meanwhile, Miss Grundy tells the crowd they are protesting against their own interests. She states that a large government with a big heart run by caring concerned politicians such as Barney Frank will, in fact, improve their lives, if they'll only stay out of the way. The mob beats Miss Grundy with a sign reading, 'Obama Marksist.' Jughead sneaks Archie out of detention. Along with Betty, Veronica, and Moose Mason, they lure the Tea Party away from the high school by telling them Sarah Palin is waiting to speak at the bottom of a nearby quarry. Quickly, the kids string barbed wire around the quarry, imprisoning the mob in an improvised 'haters camp.' Later, over sodas at the Chok'lit Shoppe, the gang listen as Archie wonders why simple people reject progressive solutions that have turned Greece and Venezuela into equitable, just, social wonderlands? Pop Tate interrupts to say, 'Remember what our president said about bitter people clinging to guns and God.' Jughead then quips, 'I'd like to cling to a couple more hot dogs with fries.' The gang all laugh in the final panel. Said Kraw, "People need to relax. We're just having a little fun here. It's not like we're mocking ACORN. That would be hurtful and wrong."

Cameron to Tackle 'Children's Hour' in 3-D

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On the heels of his uber-successful film Avatar, director James Cameron plans a controversial big-budget remake of The Children's Hour using 3-D technology. "The studio was a little hesitant," said Cameron associate Dean Thomas. "I mean, 'Children's Hour' is a famous play by Lillian Hellman and not really 3-D subject matter. But let's face it, no one can 'no' to Jimmy right now." Cameron is having a huge, performance capture stage built that will serve as the all-girl boarding school. Casting is still in the works, but actresses portraying accused lesbian teachers Karen Wright and Martha Dobie will wear leotard-like motion capture suits. Said Thomas, "Jimmy wants to have stereoscopic cameras zooming in on the teachers from every angle, especially after they learn of Mary Tilford's lies." Using a mixture of CGI and live-action photography, Cameron hopes to create an illusion of depth that will heighten Martha's climatic suicide. According to Thomas, "When Martha shoots herself, the audience is gonna feel like they got a face-full of brains." No release date has been set as executives desperately hope the Cameron magic continues. "Jimmy's not stopping for anybody," mused Thomas. "In fact, if 'Children's Hour' pulls in big box office, he might try A Doll's House. But one thing at a time."

Inspired by 'Avatar,' Al Qaeda Dons Blue Paint

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Energized by the alien slaughter of American troops in Avatar, Al Qaeda fighters plan painting themselves blue. "What a fantastic ending to a movie," said Al Qaeda spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "All those marines butchered. I went back to my cave floating on a cloud, like a nine-year-old girl on her wedding night." Eager to emulate the alien Na'vi in battle, AQ fighters, according to Naser, are having trouble finding the right blue. "All the men wanted the same shade, which they are calling 'Pandora Blue.' And they are willing to make stylistic concessions so the blue matches their ammunition belts. But in Pakistan, they only sold Periwinkle and this greenish crap called Tiffany Blue. We needed something more Azure." A fashion consultant from Paris attempted to reach Al Qaeda headquarters but was blown up in a Predator strike. "Some of his color patches survived," said Naser. "Hopefully, we can start coordinating uniforms until someone finds enough Pandora Blue to go around." Naser appreciated the work of Avatar director James Cameron. "Dead U.S. marines boost our morale like a beheading on a bright spring morning. If Cameron needs help blinding any women, he should just 'give a holler' as you Americans say. We owe him a solid." (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

NBC Replaces Leno with Indian Head Test Pattern

PASADENA, CA - Desperate after ending Jay Leno's 10 PM show, NBC executives have decided to fill Leno's old spot with an Indian Head Test Pattern. "Iconic," said NBC exec. Barry Shuckerman. "Once the Olympics end, we'll put up the test pattern with a variety of contemporary music playing underneath. Kinda different, kinda retro, kinda hip, you think?" With Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jimmy Fallon facing programming chaos, the Peacock Network is desperate to quell revolt among over 200 affiliates. Shuckerman seemed upbeat. "If the test pattern works, we'll try using screen savers in place of other shows. I like the ones that show aquariums with fish and sunken treasure chests. The important thing is that, at the end of the day, I still have a job. I hope it works out well for Leno and the others. But if it doesn't, I still want my job. Or a better one. Oh, and good ratings. And a health club membership where they have free towels and stuff." (Photo: Wickipedia)

NEA Envies North Korean Poets

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jealous officials of the National Endowment for the Arts are seething over the ability of North Korean poets to align their art with political goals. "We're miles behind when it comes to supporting health care reform," said chairman Rocco Landesman. "Meanwhile, North Korean poets are ordered to write in support of light industry and agriculture. Before you know it, they've turned out verses like 'smelter's heart is seething with enthusiasm like molten iron.' Wow. And where are we? Forced to pretend we aren't socks on the administration's hands. Pretending can be so cruel. I'm going to endow myself." (Read more on Nork verse here.)
(Photo: music.umich.edu)

NEA Rejects Video

A heart-warming video was rejected for additional funding by the National Endowment of the Arts, who claimed the material too "bitter."

h/t: steveleeilikeguns

Criminally Insane Ballet Closes Abruptly

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A production of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake performed by street people and the criminally insane was closed by police after a brawl, a stabbing and a fire marred the debut performance. Presented by Toby Manning and the People's All-Natural Theatre, the performance marked the second year in a row that director Manning has been stabbed. "Ballet belongs to the masses," he said from a hospital bed. "Not just those who with fancy tights and dancing lessons and talent." Having received a 70,000 dollar stimulus grant to bring art to the community, Manning cast his production in the Tenderloin and at the Laguna Honda Hospital's criminally insane ward. One anonymous source close to the production stated the ballet was in trouble early on. "The Swan Queen Odette was played a by stripper who went by the stage name 'Fat Wad Toni.' Her choreography was limited to swinging from a pole and puffing on a cigar using her dewlap. Prince Siegfried was portrayed by a violent ex-con who sold his parents into slavery and used the money to buy malt liquor and huaraches. These were not ballet people." On opening night, curtain was delayed while the chorus roamed the audience panhandling. Manning herded most of them backstage, but then a fight broke out between the orchestra and cast members after a drunken Von Rothbart attempted to urinate in a bassoon. By the time Act II arrived, Prince Siegfried felt disrespected by Manning's attempts to prompt him. Violence erupted when Manning whispered for Siegfried to stay at the lake with Odette and stop hitting on members of the Swan Court. Siegfried slashed the director with a homemade knife made from paper clips and a rolled-up copy of the libretto. As paramedics worked on Manning, members of the hunting party and Odile cooked up a can of Sterno and set the backdrop ablaze. Police and fire units arrived, making dozens of arrests for assault, arson, parole violation, and smoking cigarettes outside without guilt. (Photo: stomptokyo.com)

Best Foreign Novel: The Woman With Baguette Hair

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Belgian author Florian Wouters received the Manhattan Publishers 2009 Best Foreign Novel Award for his generational saga The Woman With Baguette Hair. Set in Antwerp during the 1930s, the story focuses on a woman whose hair consists of long, very crisp bread. She has affairs, drinks, questions religious authority, and hangs out with artists who paint her unique portrait in return for jam. Later, she gives birth to a daughter whose hair consists of crescent rolls. In an interview with Bread Quarterly, Wouters stated the woman's hair was a metaphor for "something like fate only better" and that the character of Pers was based on either Pope Leo XII or John Madden. Wouters previous work has consisted of Belgian Wanted Posters and print ads for volleyball equipment. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan stated "Woman" will be mandatory reading in all university English classes due to nihilism and incomprehensible themes. Wouters is married to multiple women, with wives in most NATO countries. Photo: skyscrapercity.com)

Potter/New Moon Fans Brawl in Mexico

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Angered over the success of the 'Twilight' sequel, dozens of Harry Potter fans baited 'New Moon' fans outside a Brentwood theater, resulting in a brawl that left over 30 people injured. In addition to belittling each others fandom, the parties exchanged threats involving magic, vampiric powers and lycanthropy. After police arrived, the two sides adjourned, only to meet up later that night in a deserted junkyard outside Tijuana, engaging in a savage, free-for-all that left 24 persons hospitalized with injuries ranging from neck bites to wands wedged into various body openings. "They were like devils," said Police Captain Jose Delgado. "We had to smother them in fire retardant foam before they would stop." An additional 9 injuries occurred when combatants fleeing police attempted to leap like wolves over tall fences or transport themselves far away by jumping into oil cans they called 'port keys.' "I hate 'New Moon,'" said an anonymous Potter fan who missed the fight because his parents made him clean up the TV room. "If I'd been there, I'd have used the cruciatus curse, even though I know its wrong." 'New Moon' fans were equally vehement. "Those Potter punks are so lucky I had to drive my brother to soccer practice," said an unnamed fan of the vampire series. "I'd have bitten them and made them undead, then, ignored them for all eternity." (Photo: chinadaily.com.cn)

Adam Lambert Guest Stars on Sesame Street

NEW YORK CITY, NY - American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert caused a sensation with his bawdy performance on a recent episode of Sesame Street, leading to thousands of parental complaints. During Murray's Word on the Street segment the gay glam rocker refused to interact and, instead, shoved Murray's face into his crotch. Later, Lambert dry humped Bert and Ernie, planted a full facial kiss on the Count, and attempted to press amyl nitrite and a hotel key into the hand of the Cookie Monster. Adam Lambert was defiant. "I'm a gay man and a gay entertainer. Anyone who doesn't like what I do is homophobic." The popular PBS educational program admitted they made a terrible mistake in casting Lambert. "We thought he'd have fun with the Muppets and sing a cute song," said a PBS spokesperson who requested anonymity. "But this was real seedy." (Photo: hollywooddame.com & mommyreporter.com)

Women, Weak Men Drawn to 'New Moon'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Breaking box office records on Friday, Twilight sequel New Moon continued to pack movie houses with an audience composed primarily of women and non assertive men. The vampire romance, starring Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart, has conducted extensive audience tracking revealing a high proportion of male weaklings. "We're seeing a lot of guys who've never asked for a raise," said theater owner Casey Gilmore, a former paratrooper. "Guys who are guilt-tripped into helping someone move every weekend." According to audience statistics, 17 percent of New Moon male attendees were regular men hoping to win girlfriend points. An additional 4 percent were gay or metrosexual, distinguished from weak men by Banana Republic clothing. The remaining 79 percent of men watched the film because they were manipulated, bullied, or simply suffered from general weakness and ended up at New Moon the way water seeks its own level. "I like weakies," said Gilmore. "You can tell 'em to clean up the theater afterwards and they will. That leaves more time for our regular employees to steal." (Photo: soundonsight.org)

Bollywood Remakes 'Good Night, And Good Luck'

MUMBAI, INDIA - In a surprise choice, Dharma Productions has begun filming a remake of George Clooney's Good Night, And Good Luck . The 2005 Oscar-nominated story of CBS journalist Edward R. Murrow's defiance of Senator Joseph McCarthy is being helmed by veteran Bollywood ace VikramBhatt, director of such films as Ankahee and Ghulam. "Of course, my version will be in color," laughed Bhatt. "And there will be a love story with twins, lots of singing plus dance numbers mixing Bhangra folk with a little funk." Starring Aamir Khan as Murrow, Bhatt figures his film will run a little over three hours with intermission. "It's a masala film - real spicy. We've added some disapproving parents and a big martial arts fight in the Senate because the original is, perhaps, a bit talky and slow." Bhatt believes his film, due out in summer 2010, will be a commercial hit and is negotiating for the rights to remake the 1978 film, Reds. "Many famous actors, but, oh my, do they ever talk; no real music and no mix-up with twins. I'll fix that." (Photo: menumagazine.co.uk)

Polka Stars Demand Gitmo Investigation

MILWAUKEE, WI - Concerned Polka Artists Against Guantanamo (CPAAG) have demanded an investigation into which polka tunes were played for prisoners under interrogation. "We found out through a Freedom of Information paper that they played our songs to some of those guys," stated CPAAG spokesperson Stan Haskellet. A polka musician himself, and composer of the "Toothless Bride Two-Step," Haskellet and CPAAG are upset that their music was used without proper licensing. "BMI and ASCAP (music licensing agencies) got no paperwork, nothing. So how we supposed to get royalties? If Myron Floren were alive he'd spit beer kegs." The music of Haskellet and 'Sweet Barry' Kowalski of the Polkawhirls has been mentioned in official documents as being particularly effective in getting prisoners to talk. "Well, Okay, so some Arab fellas blabbed," said Haskellet. "But we still want to know which songs by which artists and how many times were they played. And we'd better start seeing checks or somebody's getting an accordion up their kiester." (Photo: henrydoktorski.com)

'CSI: Lapland' Airs in Sweeps

HOLLYWOOD, CA - CBS will roll out the heavy artillery for November sweeps with a two-hour pilot episode of CSI: Lapland. A new franchise in the popular series, 'Lapland' features a crack investigative team unraveling mysteries above the Arctic Circle. Slated to overlap Leno on November 5, the pilot introduces the team as they track down whoever mixed Ecstasy with lichen causing the reindeer to act funny. Subsequent episodes will include:
While visiting a UNESCO World Heritage Site, the team discovers someone has filled a cranberry bog with Mr. Bubble.
Suspects abound at a youth festival as the team searches for whoever poisoned an unpopular lute player.
A Lap TV host is found strangled in his luxury sleigh with cod intestines and suspicion points to a disgruntled ice fisherman.
(Photo: santa.sc)