New Reasons Surface Why Soviets Lost Cold War

A video highlights key fails including shoddy pop entertainment and anti-lip syncing.
h/t: Daley Gator

Stone Compares Hitler to Chicken McNuggets Woman

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Working on a new documentary about dictators, Oliver Stone compared Hitler to the Ohio woman who punched through a McDonald's drive-through window because their weren't any Chicken McNuggets. Said Stone, "Hitler wanted something—Poland—it wasn't available, and he threw a fit. No one ever talks about his upside: Volkswagen's, a vigorous non-smoking campaign, and the 'life unworthy of life' program that killed the mentally ill so as not to burden the health care system. All we ever hear about is Jews, Jews, Jews, World War II." Stone also hoped to put Stalin's rule into perspective. "I see him as more a Burger King customer. In fact, I see Stalin as the Burger King himself, running out of Whoppers, forcing customers to praise the absence of food, while torturing the kid making French Fries into accepting total responsibility for the burger shortage, then killing him. Afterwards, there'd be a parade in the parking lot. I haven't worked it all out. But its important for people to know that Stalin cared deeply about tomorrow, even if it meant shooting everyone today." (Photo: Public Domain)

Today in Global Warming History

• These events critical to the future of the planet took place on December 15:

• 1811 - Massive earthquake strikes New Madrid, Missouri as the result of cow and chicken droppings that aided global warming, causing Gaia to retaliate.

• 1939 - Gone With the Wind premiers. Smoke from the burning of Atlanta directly contributed to anthropogenic global warming.

• 1954 - Fordham University drops football after it is learned that all team sports except soccer contribute to global warming.

• 1964 - Canada adopts Maple Leaf flag, replacing old emblem of drowned polar bears, bobbing dead in an iceless sea.

• 1973 - Pirates of the Caribbean ride opens at Disneyland without offsetting its carbon footprint.

• 1990 - Rock star Rod Stewart marries super model Rachel Hunter in a ceremony that featured fireworks which subsequently destroyed the ozone layer.

Wall's Fall Depresses Van Jones

OAKLAND, CA - Inside Woody's Ale House, the television showed German crowds celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall while Van Jones sobbed quietly at the bar. "That wall kept socialism pure," he sniffled. "Once it fell, goodness fell too." The former communist Green Jobs Czar bemoaned the collapse of the Soviet Union and its satellite East Germany. "Mankind drifts aimlessly now, without the hope of a better tomorrow. And what do we do? We watch as a good man named Mumia Abu-Jamal is framed for cop-killing, deprived of everything except an NPR radio career and the love of Ed Asner. And, of course, we watch George Bush destroy the Twin Towers so concrete dust would blow into New Jersey and Dick Cheney could sell them Haliburton air filters." Jones downed another Alabama Slammer, cursed the bartender for skimping on the amaretto, ordered another, then bellowed, "I wish I were dog poop in Cuba!" When his drink arrived, he chugged it, then staggered out the door, bound for Berkeley. There would be no Cuba tonight for a sad Van Jones. But with Telegraph Avenue nearby, he had something very close: dirty, hopeless people living in poverty in a one-party town. That was the dream Jones had for Mankind - excluding the revolutionary vanguard and their girlfriends. That was the dream that once lived, so long ago, in far-off place called Berlin. (Photos: idiots4obama.blogspot.com&swamppolitics.com)

Official Admits Urugauy and Paraguay Ficticious Countries

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A State Department insider related there are no such nations as Uruguay and Paraguay. "Those are government code words for party towns," said an anonymous State Department source. "A hundred years ago, when someone wanted to chill in Rio or Capri or some Greek island, they told their families they were being assigned to Uruguay or Paraguay. In the 1930s, Secretary of State Cordell Hull paid to have both names added to world maps. But if you travel to where they're supposed to be, its all Brazil. They'll be the first to tell you." The State Department has officially refused comment. A call to the Uruguayan embassy was answered by a man with a thick Brooklyn accent who claimed to be the Ambassador's friend. A call to the Paraguayan embassy was forwarded to a Microsoft service center in India. "They've got a company out in California that designed flags, and puts out press releases, and finds people to show up for the Olympics," stated the source. "I got shot down on a trip to Fiji, that's why I'm blowing the whistle." (Photos: scrapetv.com & paraguay.com)

Woodstock a Government Hoax

BETHEL, NY - Drawing on thousands of pages of unclassified documents, a new book claims the United States Government fabricated the entire Woodstock Festival. Three Days of Lies and Music: The Faking of Woodstock, written by Professor Burt Kornman, states the CIA's MK ULTRA project, an army division in hippie garb, and a colossol tarp that, from the air, appeared to be hundreds of thousands of people, were used to deceive media and public from August 15 to 17, 1969. Kornman stated, "There were no bands. There wasn't any 450,00 people. There were 12,000 soldiers working the tarp and a few thousand real hippies who saw this dog-and-pony act on TV and decided to drop in. That was it."According to Kornman, free acid was given to anyone arriving to hear the "music" - state-of-the-art tapes from the top bands of the day. In addition, the government employed trick photography and mass hypnosis involving an immense watch swinging back and forth. Professor Kornman, Rosie O'Donnell Engineering Chair at San Francisco State, added, "A few thousand people went home convinced they'd seen a really cool rock concert. Word-of-mouth took over and pretty soon everyone and their uncle claimed to have been at Woodstock." Kornman grew evasive when pressed about the reason the government would stage a rock concert. He referred all questions to another of his books, Lo Siento, Paraguay in which Kornman claimed the United States accidentally H-bombed Asuncion during the time of the "alleged" Woodstock Festival. "Oh, and Max Yasgur was a Mason," blurted Kornman. "I'll bet no one ever told you that." (Photos: Google & coinauthentication.co.uk)

Shuttle - Space Station Picnic Fails

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - After successfully linking up, the crews of the space shuttle Endeavour and the International Space Station were forced to cancel the first ever outer space picnic. "Endeavour forgot charcoal," said NASA spokesperson Fred Geepen. "And NASA has a policy about not cooking hog dogs over the shuttle's exhaust." Slated to take place outside, Geepen said attempts to play games such as Frisbee and a water balloon toss had to be abandoned. "Everything just floated the hell off - except the keg. They fought for that." Geepen admitted the idea wasn't totally thought out. "Apparently, gravity and oxygen play a much bigger role in picnics than we imagined. In any case, science is all about pushing boundaries. Or having a spokesman's job. I thought crews should play basketball and do all these cool zero gravity dunk shots, but I was ignored. " (Photo:www.logical-link.com)

Tattooed Garofolo Knows Naval History

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Sporting more tattoos than a Chief Petty Officer, actress Janeane Garofolo, to the surprise of many, features naval-themed body paintings that would warm the heart of any bluejacket. Among her inkings, the outspoken liberal activist has a "tramp stamp" of the cruiser U.S.S. Vincennes sinking in flames off Savo Island. On her left buttocks is the exploding battle cruiser H.M.S. Hood, with a perspective inking of the Bismarck's stern, giving the impression that the German battleship is sailing away into bun cleavage.  On her tummy, the diminutive funny woman features the General Belgrano. Garofolo's belly button is positioned on the cruiser's hull exactly where the British torpedo struck that sunk the Argentine warship. But Garofolo's prize is the Battle of Manilla Bay. Admiral Dewey's squadron, led by cruiser U.S.S. Olympia, is depicted firing on the Spanish flotilla, inflicting devastating damage on a canvas stretching along the spinal column and between the shoulder blades, as well as including a portion of the neck where there is an astoundingly accurate rendering of the port city of Cavite as it appeared in 1898. Outspoken on political matters, Garofolo won't discuss her devotion to naval art. Said one source, "Janeane may've been worried the navy stuff would cost her the job at Air America. But that's not a worry anymore, so I don't know."   (Photo: newsbusters.org & Wikipedia)