GAZA STRIP - In a recent strike on a Hamas government complex, the Israeli Air Force dropped the world's first green bombs. Developed by Sweden, the bombs were given to Israel for testing, according to Swedish government spokesperson Alrik Ellstrom. "We wanted people to war responsibly, with an eye on the environment." Ellstrom stated that detonation released thousands of date palm seeds which would scatter and grow, offsetting target damage plus the attacking jet's fuel. In addition to thousand-pound bombs, Sweden has developed 40 millimeter shells that release tangerine seeds, and a cluster bomb that spreads mums.
PORT DARWIN, AUSTRALIA - A spear-fisherman was saved from attack by a huge dolphin after several sharks enclosed the man in a protective circle. Eric Diggery, age 29, observed the incident from a nearby sail boat. "The dolphin had this fella and was tossing him up in the air like a big ball, ya see? Then these white-tips showed up and sorta protected him." Diggery reported that after the dolphin swam away, the sharks turned on the fisherman and devoured him. Added Diggery, "Then me mates and I sailed over and blew up the white-tips with some old Jap hand grenades we'd found on New Guinea. But that's how things go. One minute you're prey and the next minute you're prey. Life's a bit of hell in the sea, you know?"
With the ending of the Bush administration, anti-war puppeteers find themselves facing unemployment. "Just won't be the same," said puppeteer Ed Fowler. Since 2003, Fowler has appeared in over 700 anti-war protests and has built and operated numerous giant puppets including Bush as the devil, Bush as Hitler, Bush as a crazed cowboy, and Bush in drag holding cash and a nuclear bomb. Fowler has considered using his puppets in some form of advertising. "Maybe Bush will open a supermarket and I can work the parking lot." But so far, the activist-puppeteer has had no luck finding work. "I called the Jim Hensen company," said Fowler. "But they don't need giant puppets. And I don't make small ones. So I guess we're headed in different directions."
GALLUP, NM - Following record fourth quarter losses, the National Bear Baiting Association reported cutbacks are ahead for 2009. "In tough times, consumers drop the frills and, sadly, that includes bear baiting," said industry spokesperson Terry Cunningham. Rottweiler and other attack dog breeders are expected to feel the crunch, along with Kodiak bear rentals, chain manufacturers and wooden post suppliers. "It's a sad time," said Cunningham. "Families just won't be able to watch hunting dogs savage a pissed-off bear chained to a post. You gotta believe the kids will suffer most."
NEW YORK CITY, NY - In deep financial trouble, the New York Times has ceased printing news stories and, instead, begun selling a variety of home-baked pies. "Some of our staff have experience making such things," said Times spokesperson Julian Van Dyke. "As a result, we've laid off everyone but those who can bake and the ad reps." So far, the Times has baked blueberry, cherry, and yam pies which are selling in the lobby of the New York Times building for seventy-thousand dollars each. Van Dyke commented, "Once pies restore our situation, we'll hire back some editors and do news again."
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a change of pace, actor Jim Carrey will portray a loud, pushy jerk in his latest film, Idiot Man. "Jim felt a need to branch out," said Carrey spokesperson Dana Vibiana. "This film will really stretch his range." The story of an incompetent foul-up who finds himself responsible for raising triplets as well as saving the environment from an evil corporation, Carrey's latest vehicle begins principle photography next month. "Jim's throwing himself into the part," added Vibiana. "He's been studying real goofs on YouTube and in California state government."
TEHRAN, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN - In a follow-up to his Christmas speech that saw eight people hung, President Mahmoud Ahmadinajab announced a New Year's Day talk that will see ten more people executed. President Ahmadinajab's speech will focus on wishing the west a happy new year plus his 2009 resolutions that include vaporizing Israel and hanging people. "I'm ordering more cranes," said an excited Ahmadinajab in a telephone interview. "I can't wait to watch sinners doing the mid-air two-step." The latest ten people to be hung include a gay man, a man who wore a propeller turban to a party, and three woman caught reading O.
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