Empathetic Gore Ingests Polar Bear DNA

HUDSON BAY, CANADA - Concerned over the possible shrinking of the polar bear population and determined to bring their plight to the world's attention, Noble Prize winning environmentalist Al Gore has ingested polar bear DNA. This dramatic move has given the Oscar winning filmmaker the head and arms of an adult polar bear along with a voracious appetite for seal meat. "A bear I am and a bear I will remain until we stop global warming," said Gore through Lisa Maple-Kweelo, an interpreter who claimed to be a bear whisperer. Maple-Kweelo believes polar bears are drowning because the Arctic ice cap is melting due to climate change—a colder form of global warming. She went on to explain that "no one asked the former vice-president to acquire the head and arms of a polar bear. And for that matter, no one asked for him to return to human form. We simply accept this transformation as part of his Goreness." Maple-Kweelo felt Gore was fine provided he was fed raw meat with a high blubber content. "If he doesn't get that he'll hunt and devour a household pet, then the air will be filled with the keening of children."