President Views Rapture as Tax Dodge, States He is Already Here

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama scoffed at rumors of a Christian rapture taking place tomorrow, stating that he is already present on Earth, walking among Mankind, thus there is no need for believers to be carted off to Heaven ahead of tribulation. "Whatever happens, I will be present to ensure that no harm comes to those who have faith in my judgement above their own." According to White House sources, the President has privately stated that anyone allowing spiritual forces to convey them was probably attempting to avoid paying their lawful share of taxes. Said Aaron Zorn, White House special assistant, "We don't have a ruling from Treasury yet, but the President feels strongly that divine intervention, conducted without consulting him first, is probably a Christian attempt to dodge 2011 taxes and will blow a hole in the deficit." According to Zorn, the President laughed at the idea that anyone would prefer a heaven over the paradise he is building on earth. "I am here, putting forth my polices and programs that will help my needy. But let those go who doubt my sincerity. Too bad they're gonna miss out on high speed rail and all the green jobs." Image: newstechnica.com)