Wednesday, June 1, 2011

President Names July in Honor of Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-And-Beaten-With-French-Bread

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having proclaimed June LGBT Pride month, the White House announced the remaining slate of this summer's official months beginning with July's dedication to Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread. Below is a brief passage from a leaked version of the upcoming Presidential Proclamation.

 Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release          June 2, 2011 

Men-Who-Liked-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month     July 2011


Forty years have passed since a man who enjoyed being bound with a variety of restraints then struck on the back with long loaves of French Bread was arrested—along with a female companion—in a seedy motel outside Gallup, New Mexico and tried under once-popular cruelty-to-food laws. In the decades since then, Gays, Lesbians, Bi-sexual and Transgendered Americans have advanced in public life while members of the MWLTBTUABWFB community have remained cut off from the main stream, separated by misunderstanding, ignorance, and the obstinacy of bakers' unions.

But today, due in no small part to raising every sexual act, variation and fetish to the level of a civil right, MWLTBTUABWFB members are finally living lives of dignity and pride. Members are participating openly in society  alongside fellow Americans who will be sued, denounced as 'haters' and harassed if they express any opinion other than joyful grinning acceptance. My administration, within the first hundred days, appointed a MWLTBTUABWFB member to the Department of Agriculture as Undersecretary in Charge of Alternative Food Uses Other Than Ethanol.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim July 2011 as Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to break the crust of bigotry and reduce discrimination to a few paltry crumbs easily swept up by a unionized janitorial staff.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of July, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

August is dedicated to Leather Studded Masks with Gag Balls while September will be Golden Shower Appreciation Month.

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