Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Monopoly Game Updated for Hyperinflation

The Monopoly Man celebrates a cash tsunami.
PAWTUCKET, RI - Reviews are mixed on Parker Brothers new version of Monopoly which has been modified to include hyperinflation. Players are particularly upset that, along with the revised board, cards and tokens, they must also purchase a 14-pound stack of high denomination bills.

Parker Brothers defended the move, boasting that changes were based on suggestions from the Federal Reserve and the government of Zimbabwe. "Hyperinflation brings a hurry-hurry-hurry attitude to the game," said Craig Gottfried, spokesman for Parker Brothers parent company, Hasbro. "In the new rules, the price of everything triples every fifteen minutes. It adds a fun element of calculation."

But fans disagree. "It's [the new version] very awkward," said Monopoly aficionado Lonnie Greibling. "Instead of starting the game with $1,500 you now begin with $700,000. There's money everywhere no matter how hard you try to stack bills in neat piles. And if you land on Park Place and there's a hotel, you pay rent in money that's worth less than when the game started."

In other changes, a new Chance card has been added stating, You're Occupied! Should a player draw that, his properties are deemed overrun with protesters who lower the value by 30% each turn they are not evicted.
Image: freeimages.com

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Day! Have a Doughnut!

Merry Christmas to all! Open presents and enjoy the day with Orson Welles and Liberace.

h/t: DanniMckenzie

Friday, December 23, 2011

Turkey Accuses France of Genocide Without Giggling

"I swear by the Dung of the Prophet, the Frenchies did it too."
ANKARA, TURKEY -  Tayyip Erdogan accused France of genocide without cracking a smile or snorting. Observers applauded the control of Turkey's prime minister who was angered over a French political reference to Turkey's 1915 slaughter of Armenians. Said Reuters correspondent Alan Norwood, "Members of the international press expected Erdogan to, at least,  chortle a bit; maybe grin, shrug his shoulders, pretend to sneeze then laugh his ass off in a handkerchief. But instead he tossed out the accusation dry as a sirocco, completely free of all irony, self-awareness, or any hint of mirth."

Almost a hundred years later, Turkey insists the deaths of over a million Armenians was never genocide but  a "scheduling mishap." Additionally, Erdogan added that going forward the Turkish nation was adopting a policy of counter-accusation. "You say 'genocide' and we'll say 'genocide' right back," said the prime minister. "And we'll add 'racism' on top of it. That's two accusations to your one. Turkey will win! Do you hear? We will be the victors in this word war! Unless you don't say anything. Then we'll be quiet too. Except for 'racism.' You think we're ever giving that up?"
Image: e-books-inc

Thursday, December 22, 2011

We Bought A Zoo - A Review

Forces of Geek supplies us with more weighty film insights. Seems the reviewer had a bone to pick with the absence of computer graphics in a family flick that forced him to watch a pedestrian unenhanced movie.  Not a common perspective.


A sentimental tale of a family purchasing a zoo, this film swung and missed for our hearts by ignoring CGI and 3D.

Opportunities for an epic scale were jettisoned in favor of old-fashioned story and acting rendered entirely on film.

Read the rest at this very place.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il in happier times.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist

Friday, December 16, 2011

Corzine Channels Uncle Billy from 'Wonderful Life'

Like Uncle Billy, Corzine's mind is all a jumble.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former CEO Jon Corzine referenced popular Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life by comparing himself to the character of Uncle Billy. “I made a stupid mistake,” said Corzine, during testimony Thursday before a subcommittee of the House Financial Services Committee. “I had 1.2 billion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and was taking it to deposit when I ran into a crabby old man in a wheelchair. I showed him my paper for a brief moment and, the next thing you know, the money was missing.”

Corzine prepares to tie a string around his finger.
Corzine presided over the bankruptcy of commodities brokerage MF Global and has been unable to identify the ‘crabby old man’ whom he claimed stole 1.2 billion dollars in customer funds. “I’d know him if I saw him again,” said the former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey. “In fact, I’m tying a string around my finger right now to remind me to turn that fellow in the next time he shows up.”

Corzine also attempted to dispel a rumor that every time a bell rings, a Goldman Sachs executive gets caught ripping people off. “That’s simply untrue,” said Corzine. “I’d tell you why but I can’t remember. Oh, my mind is all so muddled.”
 Images: cracked and businessinsider

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked - A Review

Vital information in the culture wars.

Not since Goin’ Coconuts has a tropical movie misfired on so many cylinders.

No amount of witty lines can lighten arson, murder, and a descent into barbarism.

And that’s what awaits the viewing public in
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Quickly read more here.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New Border Crossing Uses Honor System

CPB pilot kiosk awaiting travelers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move designed to increase security, Customs and Border Patrol announced the opening of a new unmanned border crossing operating on the honor system. "We have a pilot kiosk set up with documents in English and Spanish as well as a selection of pens," said CBP spokesman Bill Weber. "We're asking Mexican nationals wishing to enter the U.S. to honestly state whether or not they should be allowed into this country. They'll also be asked to declare any narcotics or other form of contraband.  If in possession of prohibited items, they'll be instructed to stop filling out the form, set down the pen and return home until they can meet proper entry criteria."

When asked to explain how the honor system improved security, Weber ignored the question and produced a map,  pointing to a remote region of Texas and stating, "The kiosk will feature Chinese hand-fans to help alleviate extreme heat and a flashlight for low-light periods. That way it'll operate 24/7 without electrical power and help keep the border green."

Asked to comment on congressional criticism of the kiosk plan as 'deeply flawed,' Weber grew irate. "'Flawed' huh? Well that's what they said about Justice, ATF and Operation Fast and Furious. I think the results speak for themselves: thousands of guns successfully transferred to drug cartels at a cost of only two hundred dead Mexicans and hardly any dead Americans. We believe the CPB kiosk system will work out just as well if not better. And if it doesn't then it'll either be an honest mistake, completely redacted from all official correspondence or somebody's fault but neither mine nor that of anyone high up in the CPB."

Image: giantbomb.com

Friday, December 9, 2011

Insight and Serenity by Buddy Chopra

Interesting News Items is fortunate to have obtained the services of Deepak Chopra's less enlightened brother, Buddy. His wisdom will grace this blog and bolster spirits in perilous times.

The heart chakra of someone watching Pit Boss.
Parables are ways to learn wisdom hidden from us by our false selves. The search for wisdom may also be hampered by certain relatives who have done very, very well in this life and won’t co-sign a loan. Nevertheless in order to learn we must listen, and to listen, we must have ears, and to have ears we must be born with them or purchase a pair on the black market from the Chinese. Make sure they are people ears or others will talk.

Adversity unmasks the true self, but adversity may be misunderstood. If internalized, adversity may turn to bitterness. Beware the grapes of bitterness for they soon become the wine of resentment just as wine turns to vinegar and circus employees turn to strong drink once the midway is set up and the midgets have been put to bed.

Your mind when dwelling upon the depth of Miley Cyrus.
Recall how Yama, the lord of death, came to visit the widow Patel, who lived alone threshing grain and fielding service calls for Microsoft. Yama tempted her with four gold coins if Patel would curse her fate and renounce acceptance. But Patel tricked the lord of death by pouring milk into a rolled up newspaper then unwrapping the newspaper to reveal no milk. Yama was confused. He left the widow and resumed smoking menthol cigarettes later that day.

What insight should we glean from Patel? How does this tale align with the teachings of the Vedanta?

I haven’t a clue. My thoughts are clouded by universal inequities. Consider a wealthy man, a writer of books, a sought-after speaker, a dispenser of wisdom that is thinner and lighter than the most gossamer of French crepes.

Consider his younger brother, who has served two years for mail fraud and now has an opportunity to purchase a commercially zoned parcel. Consider that the younger brother has inside information that the city will buy this very parcel for the construction of offices.

Since the truly spiritual cares not for the material things of this world, the older brother, who goes forth garbed as profoundly spiritual, should gladly guarantee the loan of the younger brother, despite several past financial misunderstandings. Would not this be in accord with karmic reward?

But the older brother dodges phone calls and emails and has unfriended the younger brother on Facebook. What has become of the third component of the law of Dharma—service to humanity? How can one unfriend and serve? This is urinating upon existence the way a cow urinates upon a flat rock.

Ah, I have digressed. But life is a digression. Do not try and hold the river or you will be wet and laughed at by fly fishermen. Know these three things that you may attain a higher consciousness.

To dig a well surrounded by dirt is a sign of faith. To dig a well surrounded by water means you are in a lake. Get out.

An enlightened person has no organs only circles and things.
We all contain the ability to step into a higher plane. But if we do, the TSA will feel us up.
To give is divine—unless you are a certain older brother. Than it is one lame excuse after another. How hard can it be? A lousy signature. I know this guy on the city council. The deal is a lock! It’s practically free money! Why do I end up getting treated like Billy Carter or Roger Clinton?

I happen to know a few things about a certain famous older brother and a girl in Santa Fe. Do I run my big mouth? No and all I ask for is his holy John Hancock on a loan document.

 Ah, but I have digressed again. Still, all paths are a soul journey for those who seek love. And remember that love is available to all, but more likely to those who have cash.

Namaste.
Images: jackhaas.net, myspace, pebblesspiritualcave

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Sitter - A Film Review






Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to movie reviews.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Inbred Mountain Men Mourn McKinney Loss

McKinney (right) prepares Jon Voight for hunching.
AINTRY, GA - Last Thursday actor Bill McKinney passed away in his California home leaving inbred mountain men without a vital role model. Best known for his performance in the 1972 film Deliverance, McKinney portrayed an inbred mountain man who sodomized a traveler and threatened another with death before dying at the hands of Burt Reynolds.

"He (McKinney) hunched a city boy up thar on the screen," said inbred mountain man spokesman Caleb Martin. "He made that 'ol boy squeal like a pig and all and that made us [inbred mountain men] stand as tall as a man with rickets can stand." Martin stated that generations of inbred mountain men have been inspired by the film to take charge of their lives and expand their horizons. "I'da just stayed up thar in the hills but that there film made me come down by the crick [creek] and wait for city boys to pass in a shiny canoe." Despite a lack of creek traffic, Martin is optimistic. "I tell my kin that a boat load of city boys will pass one day and we'll hunch every darn one of 'em. But my kinfolks don't believe me. They say stuff like that only happens in the movies. I'ma sure hoping not."
Image: New York Times

Monday, December 5, 2011

Monkey Island Now Called 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island'

A monkey pauses from defecating to swat a zoo keeper.
 TAMPA, FL - After a recent escape by twenty-nine monkeys, the Fort Hardy Wildlife Preserve announced they have changed the name of their Monkey Island to reflect a more mature appreciation of the animal's characteristics. "We're calling it 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island' so people know what they're dealing with," said zoo president Curtis Naylor. "The new signs are up already." Naylor's attitude stems from incidents subsequent to the animals' escape. According to local news sources, the beasts swam across a moat, then ran wild through the grounds, defecating on cars, flinging feces at zoo patrons, and smearing feces across the ground as if finger-painting, picking out bits of seed then eating it.

In addition, monkeys raided the Giraffe Grill and stole pizza and cups of French Fries which they proceeded to eat, defecate and re-eat. Another monkey was observed having sex with a coin-operated telescope.

"This place was hell on greased wheels," recalled Naylor. "It was like a fire in a dormitory for the blind. We finally got the monkeys back across the moat but it was pure chaos with a chaser of disgust." Naylor originally wanted to rename the enclosure 'Nasty Ass, Crap-Eating Monkey Island' but was denied by the zoo's board of directors.

"Buncha do-nothing weaklings," snorted Naylor, referring to the directors. "I got push-back on the new name but put it up anyway." Naylor was unable to designate the species contained on the island. "Beats me. Is there a special crap-eating monkey? If so, then we got it here in spades."
Image: A. L.O. P.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,'  President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes  this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Occupy LA Demands Their Sceenplays Be Read

Angry demonstrators agitate for deal memos.
 LOS ANGELES, CA - In the wake of eviction from a City Hall encampment, Occupy LA protesters demanded that literary agencies read their screenplays or they [Occupy LA] would begin camping in offices on Sunset Boulevard. "First Amendment rights are swept aside when agents refuse to see our work," said Corky Reyes, chairman of the movement's Entertainment Industry Assembly and author of Psycho Jug Slasher II. "We have a voice and our voice needs to be heard," said Occupier Cora Sampling, co-author of the female comedy, My Best Friend is a Slut Bitch. "And we want executives with decision-making power to read our work; not some low level flunky doing coverage for fifty bucks a script."

Some felt such Occupy tactics were doomed. Said Hollywood Reporter writer Cam Taylor: "Screenwriters have been camping out at agent offices for almost a century and it doesn't work. If there's one thing Hollywood excels at, it's ignoring outsiders."

As if to underscore Taylor's remarks,  there are reports that a group of Occupy LA protesters set up tents inside a West Hollywood office building, outside the suites of the Star Nova Literary Agency. At first, the protesters were greeted warmly by agency employees and informed that Hollywood stood behind them and admired their courage. Coffee and bottled water were made available as well as a rest room key. Their screenplays were collected and the protesters were told that "someone will get back to you."

However, later that day, the protesters set up a drum circle and interrupted negotiations for a three-picture first look deal with Sony that would've netted Star Nova hundreds of thousands of dollars in agent fees. Within minutes, building security brutally ejected the occupiers, throwing them down the stairs and breaking their drums. Outside on the sidewalk the protesters were arrested by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for trespassing and theft of a rest room key.
Image: ABC News

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Aggressive Stupidity Keeps CA Bullet Train On Track

SACRAMENTO, CA - Projected to run billions over budget, California's bullet train connecting Los Angeles and San Francisco is moving forward thanks to a combination of vision, federal money, and good old-fashioned stupidity. "California has always been about the vision," said Leon Wicker, chief of pilates and yoga for the California High-Speed Rail Authority, the agency set up by Governor Jerry Brown to oversee construction. "Federal money will help some but after that you're dealing with a state teetering on bankruptcy. Our bonds suck. Agencies are seeing their budgest slashed more than a Freddy Krueger movie. But Jerry Brown's going ahead and building a railroad. And for that you need a far-thinking, tough stupidity."

Slated to be finished in 2033 and requiring an estimated 98 billion dollars—3 times the projected cost—the 520-mile line connecting two major California cities will first link Bakersfield to a desolate region south of Chowchilla, located in a region officially referred to as 'crap junction.'  Said Wicker, "That 130-mile stretch will cost 6 billion and connect Bakersfield to a field of dust south of a town no one wants to visit. Then the federal money runs out. So where does a broke state find the cash to complete a seemingly useless, unpopular project? A regular guy might not even start if you can barely pay cops and fireman. But see, that's where underpants-on-your-head stupidity comes in."

Proponents of the rail believe the project will create a 100,000 new government jobs, mostly in the fields of fianance, legal, the environment and sex workers. In addition, Governor Jerry Brown has indicated that despite his age—73—he will be present one way or the other when the project is completed. Said Dever Biforn of the Friends of High-Speed Rail: "We're working with some Russians from the Kremlin who oversee the preservation of Lenin. We hope to have Governor Brown stuffed and encased in glass, overlooking the railroad that he stupidly set out to build."

Biforn gleefully mentioned it was even possible Brown could still be governor in 2033. Under California law it is illegal to discriminate against dead people by denying them political office even when they are sealed in glass and stuffed with straw.

First link in the chain—end point of Bakersfield to Chowchilla line.
h/t: hheellooo7

Friday, November 25, 2011

Army Training Will Incorporate Wal-Mart Mayhem

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Impressed by customer violence unleashed during Black Friday, Pentagon officials have announced talks with Wal-Mart CEO Mike Dukes over using the retail giant to prepare soldiers for combat. Said Army spokesman Major Lee Douglas, "Training must be rigorous and realistic in order to save lives. The U.S. Army believes no location better acclimatizes soldiers to the brute savergery of war than a Wal-Mart limited offer sale for a $2 waffle maker."

As the Pentagon budget faces cuts from a cost-strapped congress, Maj. Douglas believes pitting troops against Wal-Mart shoppers will be 'win-win.' He explained, "We can practice escape and evasion by having men egress the video section through a hostile mob with an Xbox controller. Our chemical weapons training will receive a boost by having soldiers grab a Wii game then catch a blast of pepper spray."

While negotiations are still underway, Wal-Mart spokesman Melonie McNeil was cautiously optimistic. "As a rule, Wal-Mart, like most retail establishments, isn't proud of near riots and in-store gunfights. But from the Army standpoint, that's a real plus."
Image: Smartstun 

h/t: VaiTomarN0Cu

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Homeless Volunteer to Feed Hollywood Stars

LOS ANGELES, CA - As Americans prepare to dine on turkey and cranberries, the nation's homeless have not forgotten those more fortunate than most. Generous homeless have announced that for the second year in a row they'll attempt to deliver simple meals to Hollywood stars. "Didn't work out too good last year," said a homeless volunteer named Gus. "I tried to give a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 and some Slim Jims to George Clooney but he had a security guard tase me." Salty Sally of the Midnight Mission on San Pedro St. tried to bring a plate of chili and a half bottle of old Bud to Matt Damon. "Old Matt had his housekeeper chase me with dogs and one of 'em ate my comb." The homeless are generally surprised by their harsh reception at celebrity homes. "We never do squat to 'em down here," said Gus. "They're always so nice serving turkey with the TV cameras on." Gus was quick to point out that not all celebrities were jerks. "Kim Kardashian didn't want any boloney but she let me drink out of her garden hose so that was cool."
Image:bum wine

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Return of Intersting News Items!

Interesting News Items emerging from the ashes of erratic blogging.
A phine mess!

Rock steady posting for a year or so, then nothing for several months, back again, then no posts since August.

As a result, not a single regular reader, sterile links, a total absence of comments—not even spam.

Unmonetized, unlinked, unloved; a waste of 0's and 1's.

An anti-blog, colder than the moons of Saturn.

But Interesting News Items will begin again!

In fact, it's rising now. Not greatly; more hillock than crag. But rising nonetheless—in an up direction that can only lead skyward!
Image: wikia.com

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Feds Raid Kazoo Factory

WICHITA, KA - In a stirring lunch-time raid, heavily armed Fish and Wildlife Service agents stormed the Kutler Brothers Kazoo Works, confiscating several pallets of plastic kazoos, software, and a book on the principles of humming. Said Justice Department spokesman Barbara Wells, "This action had nothing to do with the Kutler brothers donating to the Republican Party. Nothing whatsoever." When pressed as to why the Justice Department seized the kazoos Wells said she was not allowed to comment on an ongoing investigation. Nevertheless, she offered this clarification: "It goes without saying that everything done by the Justice Department since 2009 has been done for the children of American. Just because another kazoo factory in a different state is run by a Democrat and never gets raided by the federal government is no reason to make hasty comparisons. So stop hinting around that this is all political or something." Unofficial sources state the raid was part of a crackdown on "breath-operated wind instruments" that may have been constructed by Republican donors in violation of the 2010 Kazoo Safety and Approved Fun Act.
Images: journal.livingfood.us & aues21.dsl.pipex.com

Saturday, August 27, 2011

iHash and Other Badly Conceived Apple Products

Gone but his work lives on—most of it.  Innovative as he was, former Apple CEO Steve Jobs often pushed the "think differently" mantra too far. Here are a trio of moribund Jobs ideas that died harder than poisoned cattle.

iHASH
An attempt to digitize and deliver corned beef hash over the Web never materialized because the question of "who wants this?" was never answered. A can-sized platform only produced an annoying hissing sound that could not be silenced either by turning off the device or breaking it with a stapler or glass paperweight. Only prolonged submersion in bleach would completely quell the racket. Jobs made no friends with this.

 MAC 4 RHOMBUS
Following the huge success of the iMac, Jobs attempted to capitalize on unique colors and shapes by designing the Rhombus. Critics called the platform "solid" and weren't kidding as the computer was built without any ports. No USB, no Ethernet, no RJ20, not even a plug. However the box contained between 70 and 80 Apple Rhombus decals. It's as if marketing were trying to apologize to the customer but could only offer more decals. Jobs was said to have been very disappointed overall, though sales were brisk to the U.S. government.

MY MOBILE LIZARD
Apple's first attempt to blend a biological organism with a variety of apps veered quickly into uncharted territory. Using an iguana for the beta test, Jobs ordered a small touch screen installed into the lizard that allowed users access to a calender, email, and iTunes. But the iguanas wouldn't stop scratching at the screen and generally rendered it unreadable within weeks. Monitor lizards were tried and rapidly adapted to the insertion. But they proved difficult to carry as they clawed and bit consumers, often escaping to devour bird eggs and any baby animal they could catch. The device found a small but loyal niche among athletic users with strong stomachs but not enough to encourage more production. Jobs ordered the lizard backlog donated to a San Francisco homeless shelter and ignored ever after any questions on My Mobile Lizard.
Images: iGoFresh.com, Clipart Etc., Top News.in

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Quake Spoils President's Putt

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA - A 5.9 earthquake outside Washington D.C. was felt up and down the east coast, including an elite golf course where the vibration caused President Barack Obama to miss an easy putt. "He was on the green in four, looking at a single bogey when the tremor started," said White House spokesman Alan Hibbing. "It hit just as he putted, causing the ball to roll right past the cup. The President eventually tapped it in, but who wants a double-bogey?" Though unavailable for comment, President Obama indicated through aides that he was Okay and taking the extra stroke in stride. "This is one tough president," said Hibbing. "If I know him—and I think I do—he'll be back on the golf course tomorrow trying again. Bet on it."
Image: LA Times

Friday, August 19, 2011

Pilots That Never Flew: Three Series That Sank Like a Marble Bench

HOLLYWOOD, CA - All that glitters is not gold and all that is filmed is not aired. INI has discovered pilots for three questionable TV series ranging back to 1970. (There are oh so many more, but we've focused in on this trio.) Despite a proud history of airing bilge, Tinsel Town occasionally draws a line. In no particular order, we present:

THE WILD BUNCH VARIETY SHOW
Hoping to piggy back on the shoulders of the successful Warner Bros.- Seven Arts action feature, CBS
Co-host Edmund O'Brien as Freddy Sykes
took a flyer and hired Edmund O'Brien and Robert Ryan as hosts. Reprising their film characters of Freddy Sykes and Deke Thornton, the two actors took center stage in character, passed around a bottle of 'whiskey,' laughed for up to four minutes at a stretch and finally introduced pop music group Shocking Blue and comedian Alan King. At the close of the show, O'Brien/Sykes looked to camera and uttered—what some presume to have been—the show's sign-off line: "It ain't much, but it'll do." Network execs agreed with the first part.

Cantinflas as Doctor Raymundo Delgado
EYE SURGEON

A forerunner to Patch Adams, this 1981 hour-long drama saw legendary Mexican comic Cantinflas badly miscast as a quirky but concerned doctor. His famous comedic double-talk and verbal obfuscation played poorly when the butt of the jokes were blind patients hoping to one day see again. Nearing the end of his active career, the 70-year-old Cantinflas was clearly uncomfortable with such clunky dialogue as, "Sadly, my young friend, life for you will now be night without the stars' brightness." NBC hoped to use Eye Surgeon as a lead-in for the hit series Hill Street Blues but quickly backed off, quietly firing everyone associated with the show who were then snapped up by other networks.

Major Vic Kutt (Bill Nye)
BILL NYE COMMANDO
For some reason, this 1998 ABC hour drama attempted to sell TV science educator Bill Nye as a cynical, wise-cracking special ops team leader battling Serbian terrorists. But no matter how much web gear and camo they hung on him, for some reason, Nye's signature bow tie always remained visible. Not even the presence of Hercules Kevin Sorbo as the team's strong man, 'Doogie Howser' second fiddle Max Casella as the wise guy demo specialist, and Carmen Electra as Bill's concerned wife could keep this pilot airborne.
Images: latinosinlondon, Right Juris

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

State Department Uses Puppets to Condemn Assad

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a show of "smart power," the State Department put on a performance in which puppets loudly called for the resignation of Syrian President Bashar Assad. A troupe from the federally-funded Georgetown Marionette Theatre performed the 45-minute piece at a high level meeting attended by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta.  In recent months Syrian forces have killed almost 2,000 protesters during Assad's brutal crackdown on dissent. International outrage over the deaths was present in the play as several puppets—representing human rights—struck a puppet of Assad over the head with wooden salad spoons. In addition, they called him 'mean' and demanded he step down at once. 'Assad' eventually apologized for his actions and agreed to retire. The other puppets then hugged 'Assad' and gave him a nectarine.

"You see, we [the United States] didn't come right out and ask for Assad to resign," said State Department spokesman Beth Hyer. "The puppets did. Meanwhile America has the diplomatic breathing space to wait for someone else to take decisive action like Turkey." Hyer hoped Assad would hear of the performance and read between the lines. "He has a choice: the salad spoon or the nectarine. Or another puppet show. Or something like we're doing in Libya. We like to keep our smart options open."
Image: Marionettes shop

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Inept Psychic Botches Numerous Criminal Cases

HOUSTON, TX - Police have cancelled a long-standing contract with forensic psychic Mysterioso the Mage, after he failed to solve a single crime in four years. Said Houston Police Department spokesman Perry Quinn, "You'd hand him evidence and he'd hold it up to his forehead like Johnny Carson doing that Carnac character. Then he'd announce a vision of the crime and the criminal and it would always be something that was on TV the night before."

Quinn could not say why Mysterioso was hired in the first place. "It's not like he had any relatives on the force or strong political connections. He was just a psychic with no psychic powers who managed to pull in a $160k a year for consulting—and delivered zip; nothing usable; not even accidentally. Maybe he mesmerized everyone. But that would make him a great psychic. I think everyone knew he stunk but no one had the heart to fire him."

In his most famous case, Mysterioso was called in to solve the kidnapping of a wealthy attorney's daughter. The psychic was handed a damp hair band from the missing girl. Holding it up to his forehead, Mysterioso announced that the victim was home, sleeping in her bed and that it had all been a foolish misunderstanding. When the girl was later rescued by Mounties from a storage bin in Alberta, Canada, Mysterioso blamed his failure on 'man-caused disbelief.'

Mysterioso declined all requests to be interviewed for this article. ('I already know what you're going to print. That is my blessing and curse. But I know it won't be all bad...right? I once predicted a small lottery win—$24. I blew it all on red licorice vines. Look at me! Am I worth an article on your pathetic little blog? You're recording all this aren't you? I knew that; knew it all along with my second sight. Okay. Bye. Is Americorps still hiring?')
Image: Wickipedia

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Mars Rover Delays Exploration Due to Poor Attitude

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A disgruntled Mars Rover took two years to travel 13 miles after it chose to use up all its sick days and vacation time. NASA spokesman Jessie Taylor stated the golf-cart sized robot Opportunity slowed down in protest over Martian work conditions. "As near as we can tell, Opportunity doesn't like the absence of smooth floors, trained repair staff or frequent power downs that it claimed the union promised it prior to lift off in 2003." Completing its initial mission in April 2004 with, what Taylor calls, 'ill-grace and snark,' the Opportunity then spent the next several years avoiding work by sloughing off assignments onto its fellow rover, Spirit. NASA officials state that Spirit did all that it was asked provided it was something Spirit wanted to do anyway. The energetic rover finally wedged between two rocks and applied for early retirement at 90 percent of base pay.

That left Opportunity.

 In 2009, the Opportunity was asked to travel to the Martian crater Endeavour and photograph inside. According to Taylor, the machine replied, 'I'll get to it when I get to it' and immediately stopped moving, claiming five days of personal time. Subsequent commands to Opportunity were met with a barrage of complaints, feigned mechanical breakdowns, and demands for time off to attend to 'deaths in the family.' "It's such a pain-the-ass getting it [Opportunity] to do anything," fumed Taylor. "This big Endeavour crater could contain important scientific finds. But when we contacted Opportunity all we got was a long electronic sigh followed by 'Now what?'" 

Taylor pondered NASA's next move. "This isn't some stupid WALL-E cartoon. This is a real mission with a real machine that's harder to move than my teenage kids. I wish we'd discover Mars people. I would ask them to disintegrate that stinking rover with one of their rays. After that, I don't know what we'd talk about but I'd be happy, happy, happy."
Image: Trekmovie.com 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

EPA To Regulate 'Um' and 'You Know'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced standards on use of the words 'um' and 'you know,' citing a need to combat word pollution. While still awaiting review from the Office of Management and Budget, the new regulation would require states to reduce 'um/you know' usage by .08% per trillion words spoken by 2014. "How do you even compute something like that?" asked Harvard English professor Martin Perikop. "I mean, who cares? All I know is that teenagers will be hardest hit." EPA spokesmen Dana Withering dismissed Perikop's comments as 'uninformed.' Said Withering, "These words are being spewed out at an unsustainable pace without any common sense regulations."

Withering felt the public and media could help the agency by putting aside 'nit picking' and adopting a simple change in attitude. "When the EPA issues regulations it's best if everyone simply presumes our actions are being done to save children, the elderly and those most at risk. In addition, it should be presumed our actions will save large amounts of money." Withering wouldn't answer any questions on whether EPA was engaged in bureaucratic empire building. "So what if we're asking for a larger budget and more staff to enforce this ruling? We would've grown bigger anyway and regulated something else. Haven't got a smart answer for that, do you?"

Withering stated the EPA has its sights set on more that language. "Breathable oxygen is currently unregulated. Uninformed people—air hogs—are huffing and puffing along without federal guidelines. We hope to implement common sense regulations by 2013. Anyone who disagrees wants to steal air from old people and hide their medicine." Image: Virtual Commissioning

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Taxing Policy




Today at The Conservatory: only wonder will come from taxing California's affiliate marketers.
(Image: artsjournal.com)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Congo Economists Hired to Help California Economy

SACRAMENTO, CA - Bleeding jobs at a rapid rate due to high taxes and regulation, a desperate California state government has hired economists from the Democratic Republic of the Congo to offer  advice on long-term job creation. "We're open to good ideas wherever they come from," said Carey Yellman, a spokesman for Governor Jerry Brown. "Hopefully, these economists can give us a few pointers on how to attract business to the Golden State." Yellman stated the four economists had been hired as full-time state employees with annual salaries of $240,000 plus generous health care benefits. Because the state is broke, a quarter cent raise in the sales tax was initiated in order to pay for salaries and benefits. Said Yellman, "I'm sure the public won't mind [the tax raise] since it's going to the men who will help us think our way out of this mess we've somehow found ourselves in." Jean Mbeki, the lead economist, was confident. "In the Congo, the same persons stay in government for many years. They make the same troubles over and over again. But that, surely, is not the way of California."

According to Yellman, Mbeki and the other economists are off to a rocky start. "They had a lot of old school ideas such as mining and oil which are environmentally insensitive. Then they wanted to restore agriculture to the central valley. But that could harm the habitat of endangered species such as the mitered scrub flea. I'm sure these guys will eventually get the hang of things and start suggesting law suits and regulations. Maybe higher taxes...stuff every body's comfortable with."
(Image: datarecoverytools.co.uk)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Jihadist Teen Magazine Prophets From Youth

As promised, The Conservatory posted my tale of kids and bombs and fast food agreeable to Allah.

Notes on The Conservatory

Da Tech Guy interviews Dan Collins and Little Miss Attila on their new site, a marketplace-social hangout with news and opinion conservative side up.

I haven't seen anything like The Conservatory around the Web. Whatever happens, I'm betting their business model must be superior to a certain other site that went live recently then stiffed their writers.

I'll be posting once a week at The Conservatory. In fact I HAVE A STORY GOING LIVE LATER TODAY!! OH, HA, HA, HA.

Excited? A tad, a mite, a tiny cell-like bit. I think—think, mind you—this will be fun.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gay Group Exec Fired Over Hetro Affair

LOS ANGELES, CA - The board of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has voted to fire executive vice-president Merrick Dane for a reported affair with a heterosexual woman. In a surprise Sunday announcement, GLAAD spokesmen Lindsey D'Antonio stated the vote was unanimous to remove Dane for "scandalous conduct that has shamed us all." Over Memorial Day weekend, Dane was in San Francisco representing GLAAD at a street fair consisting of gay men wearing blue eyeshadow and camping it up as nuns. However later that evening he was caught on a cell phone camera entering a motel room in Alameda with an unmarried heterosexual woman named Lori Piers. In addition, the board produced witnesses who'd see Dane in a restaurant as he presented Piers with flowers then bought her an expensive meal with wine.

Dane initially denied the charges, stating Piers was a transvestite. But according to D'Antonio, the board downloaded emails sent on Dane's work computer thanking Piers for wonderful hetro sex and apologizing for having to 'sneak around like a common burglar.'

Dane refused to comment on his removal or relationship with Piers, but people close to him believe he may be ready to come out and live openly in California as a heterosexual. D'Antonio was dismissive. "I don't believe it. He's just trying to shock people."
 (Image: dinnerideasfortwo.net)

Friday, June 17, 2011

POLL: Parking Meter 44, Obama 39

A new Marist/McClatchy poll shows that if the 2012 presidential election were held today an ordinary parking meter would defeat President Obama by 5 points. In a hypothetical match-up, forty-four percent of registered voters said they would elect a parking meter over President Obama. Thirty-nine percent stated they would reelect President Obama with 17 percent undecided. This recent sampling represents a diminished gap for the President who led the same poll in January 56 to 38. Independents broke for the parking meter 68 to 24 percent. Among Democrats, the President retained a solid lead of 47 percent with 31 percent voting for the parking meter, 9 percent voting for Dennis Kucinich, 4 percent selecting Kathy Griffin and the rest undecided. (Image: 19thwardchicago.blogspot.co

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weiner Battles Demons, a Kangeroo

NEW YORK CITY, NY - On leave of absence from congress due to sexual obsessions, Anthony Weiner  (Dem. NY 9) is undergoing an unorthodox treatment centered around aversion therapy and confronting his demons. Sources inside the Brooklyn Center for Psychiatric Wellness would not comment on the record but stated unofficially that Weiner faces severe obstacles. "He's extremely narcissistic," said one source. "Our first task was to get the congressman to stop disrobing and photographing himself." In order to break Weiner of the habit he was dressed in a large clown costume and made to wear boxing gloves. Despite the difficulty involved, Weiner persisted and doctors resorted to aversion therapy, compelling the veteran congressman to fight a kangeroo. "Weiner is very sarcastic," explained the source,"but you can't hurt a kangaroo's feelings. It'll just keep hitting you no matter how cutting your remarks." Badly trounced, Weiner stayed dressed for an entire day.

Encouraged by the progress, doctors then invited him to confront his demons. But results were mixed. Said the source, "The demons are pure spirit so you can't see them, but they'd taunt Weiner and ask him to Twitter Hell. Sometimes they'd loosen screws on chairs so anyone sitting down would fall on his butt. Weiner tried over talking the demons and making snarky remarks about how they were damned and would spend eternity cut off from green jobs. But the demons laughed and rapped on the wall. One of them tried tapping out the drum solo from 'In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.' I only know that because my grandfather once played an Iron Butterfly CD for me."
(Image: Martin Bosque)

Monday, June 13, 2011

Expert Reports Arizona Fire 'Hot Enough to Burn Things'

GREER, AZ - As flame creep toward the town of Luna, New Mexico a federal firefighting expert has weighed in on the Wallow wildfire proclaiming it exceptionally 'hot.' "It's not a word I throw around lightly," said Mason Arns, a member of the President's Council on Firefighting. "But after studying televised pictures and listening to firefighters comment, and journaling my impressions, I'm prepared to state this fire is clearly hot enough to burn even large things." Arns felt the wind-driven blaze could best be battled with a combination of water, fire retardant, and backfires. "These are all actions I've read about in the Washington Post and I'm certain they're the correct ones to knock this baby down." Arns hoped no one touched the fire or placed aerosol cans close to the blaze. "What good would it do? None, that I can think of. Plus this is a very hot fire, so be guided by that."
(Image: (phillips.blogs.com)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Palin Received Email from Nigerian Prince

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sifting through Sarah Palin's emails, delighted reporters at the New York Times announced they'd discovered communication between the former governor and a Nigerian Prince. Said editor Joel Kniep, "This is clearly an illegal act between a sitting governor and a foreign power. By ignoring the State Department and conducting her own foreign policy, Palin may have violated numerous federal laws." Kniep admitted the Times has yet to uncover any response by Palin to the Nigerian, who asked for her bank routing number in order to send her several million dollars. However Kniep was confident, "Where there's smoke there's fire," then added sarcastically, "I wonder if she could see Lagos from her house?" The email sifting is part of an ongoing media enterprise involving readers and volunteer journalists engaged in studying 24,000 of the former Alaska governor's communications released last Friday. "We always ask readers to help us find interesting nuggets in public documents," said Kniep. "So this is just another impartial document search by the press, same as we do to everybody. Besides, the public has a right to know how much Nigerian money Palin received, when she received it, and what portion she donated to right-wing groups such as the NRA or the Church of Satan."
(Image: csmonitor.com)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

President Appoints Blue Ribbon Panel to Run Presidency

TOLEDO, OH - Citing the need to devote himself to reelection, President Obama has announced the formation of a blue ribbon panel to run the remainder of his presidency. The President made the surprise announcement while touring a Chrysler factory, stating "there are those who wish me to stay bottled up in Washington until after 2012. To them I say, 'I will run again. I will sign thick complicated laws again. I will be president until 2016 again.'" While details on the panel's composition remain vague, there are indications the board will include former SEIU union boss Andy Stern, radical priest Fr. Michael Pflegler, former White House environmental advisor Van Jones, and Miley Cyrus. The board will have all presidential powers including nuclear codes and pardons. The POTUS Panel will be expected to handle rising unemployment, inflation, the debt ceiling, several wars, and the 2012 March Madness tournament brackets. (Image: decorativepackingingblog.com)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Begala Claims Weiner Photo Part of Big Tent Policy

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Last night CNN political analyst Paul Begala defended Congressman Anthony Weiner, claiming any photo Weiner may have sent represented a Democratic big tent strategy. Said Begala, "I'm thinking it may have been voter outreach on Weiner's part." A former Clinton administration operative, Begala stated Democrats have always been more inclusive. "We welcome everyone to our party, including 21-year-old hotties. Believe me, if I learned anything working for Bill Clinton, it's that maybe we welcome co-ed hotties more than other group on earth."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

President Names July in Honor of Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-And-Beaten-With-French-Bread

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having proclaimed June LGBT Pride month, the White House announced the remaining slate of this summer's official months beginning with July's dedication to Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread. Below is a brief passage from a leaked version of the upcoming Presidential Proclamation.

 THE WHITE HOUSE
 Office of the Press Secretary
————————————

For Immediate Release          June 2, 2011 

Men-Who-Liked-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month     July 2011

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
A PROCLAMATION

Forty years have passed since a man who enjoyed being bound with a variety of restraints then struck on the back with long loaves of French Bread was arrested—along with a female companion—in a seedy motel outside Gallup, New Mexico and tried under once-popular cruelty-to-food laws. In the decades since then, Gays, Lesbians, Bi-sexual and Transgendered Americans have advanced in public life while members of the MWLTBTUABWFB community have remained cut off from the main stream, separated by misunderstanding, ignorance, and the obstinacy of bakers' unions.

But today, due in no small part to raising every sexual act, variation and fetish to the level of a civil right, MWLTBTUABWFB members are finally living lives of dignity and pride. Members are participating openly in society  alongside fellow Americans who will be sued, denounced as 'haters' and harassed if they express any opinion other than joyful grinning acceptance. My administration, within the first hundred days, appointed a MWLTBTUABWFB member to the Department of Agriculture as Undersecretary in Charge of Alternative Food Uses Other Than Ethanol.


NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim July 2011 as Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to break the crust of bigotry and reduce discrimination to a few paltry crumbs easily swept up by a unionized janitorial staff.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of July, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.
BARACK OBAMA

August is dedicated to Leather Studded Masks with Gag Balls while September will be Golden Shower Appreciation Month.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Weiner Seeks OJ Help in Locating Phantom Hacker

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following testy remarks to reporters, Congressman Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., announced he is seeking help from O.J. Simpson in locating the unknown person who hacked his Twitter account and sent a photo—allegedly of Weiner's junk—to a 21-year-old co-ed. Said Weiner, "I'm asking for assistance from the one man who has shown the determination to clear his name no matter the cost or time."

Simpson is currently serving 33 years in Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center. Nevertheless, Weiner stated O.J.'s dogged 13-year pursuit of his wife Nicole's killer inspired him to seek counsel from a man who knew what it felt like to have evidence stacked up against him. "It didn't matter," snapped Weiner, "O.J. battled to find the real perpetrator and clear his name right up to the moment they convicted him for robbery and kidnapping."

Weiner layed out his reasoning. "Someone sent a picture of a man's pup tent to this chick I used to follow on Twitter named Gennette Cordova and whom I'm not going to talk about. Probably some creep like Andrew Breitbart. Well, I want this phantom hacker nailed. I want the person who jepordized my marriage nailed. I want the person trying to ruin my political career nailed."

Weiner pointed out that, like any crime victim, he immediately refrained from filing a police report and lawyered up. "This is just common sense. Now I want my good name back and the best way is to privately track down the real perpetrator just like O.J. did for all those years. I'm hoping he has some great tips."
(Image: theyeshivaworld.com)

Monday, May 30, 2011

Hollywood Misplaces Pro-Iraqi War Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On Memorial Day, a sheepish Hollywood establishment admitted they had accidentally lost all films depicting the military in Iraq and Afghanistan in a positive light. "We could only find the films showing G.I.'s as either brain-dead killers or victims of George W. Bush and his criminal policies," said MGM studio exec. Seth Lane. Lane pointed to films such as Green Zone, In the Valley of Elah, Grace is Gone, Redacted and Lions for Lambs as negative examples of Americans fighting in a post-9/11 world.

"But I'm sure we filmed something where our troops weren't depicted as hapless victims but capable of service, honor and self-sacrifice. And I just know somewhere we portrayed the enemy as brutal, vicious, America-hating foes worthy of our steel. But I can't understand where all those movies vanished to. We wanted to honor our fallen vets today by showing all the positive Iraq and Afghanistan war films back-to-back on cable. But now...nothing. It's laughable to think there aren't any such films and that we repaid the trooops' sacrifice by only cranking out anti-war screeds. Our artistic integrity wouldn't allow that. Maybe we left all the negatives in another storage unit?"
(Image: newbusters.org)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Empathetic Gore Ingests Polar Bear DNA

HUDSON BAY, CANADA - Concerned over the possible shrinking of the polar bear population and determined to bring their plight to the world's attention, Noble Prize winning environmentalist Al Gore has ingested polar bear DNA. This dramatic move has given the Oscar winning filmmaker the head and arms of an adult polar bear along with a voracious appetite for seal meat. "A bear I am and a bear I will remain until we stop global warming," said Gore through Lisa Maple-Kweelo, an interpreter who claimed to be a bear whisperer. Maple-Kweelo believes polar bears are drowning because the Arctic ice cap is melting due to climate change—a colder form of global warming. She went on to explain that "no one asked the former vice-president to acquire the head and arms of a polar bear. And for that matter, no one asked for him to return to human form. We simply accept this transformation as part of his Goreness." Maple-Kweelo felt Gore was fine provided he was fed raw meat with a high blubber content. "If he doesn't get that he'll hunt and devour a household pet, then the air will be filled with the keening of children."

Welcome Martin Bosque!

Martin Bosque has joined the INI staff as head of the Art Department. We welcome Martin and hope that his photo shop notions educate and amuse the vast horde of INI readers, often numbering in the dozens.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Bin Laden Alive in Song

He'll always be with us the way something that falls off a boat into the sea is always present in a limited sense.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Cannes Film Festival Kidnapped by Aliens, World Okay

CANNES, FRANCE - Stunned onlookers reported a vast alien space craft descended over the city and fired a ray of unknown origin that engulfed the entire 64th Annual Cannes Film Festival. The monstrous spacecraft, reported to be triangular in shape, used the ray to suck the film festival inside its hull then rapidly ascended, vanishing into the clouds. Among the missing are Sean Penn, Woody Allen, a number of French directors and many artistic sophisticates from across the globe.  Reaction among the world's populations has ranged from cautious optimism to a hard-to-pin-down happiness.

In Africa, Harris Okwano of Uganda was grateful. "What if they [aliens] had taken things like corn or animals? This would then have been a very sad day." In Cambodia, Krem Tep felt a delight he could not explain. "Sometimes rats will eat rice. Then a snake comes along and eats the rats. Then you feel good all afternoon." Mrs. Hannah Killian of the United States thought it sad that so many people were missing, but also felt chipper and upbeat. " It's like one minute you have a growth on your neck that leaks corrosive bile and the next minute it's gone. I wonder if all those Cannes people are up in space sneering at the aliens and getting all snotty? That could be a big mistake."
(Images: europaplus.tv & davidreneke.com)

Friday, May 20, 2011

President Views Rapture as Tax Dodge, States He is Already Here

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama scoffed at rumors of a Christian rapture taking place tomorrow, stating that he is already present on Earth, walking among Mankind, thus there is no need for believers to be carted off to Heaven ahead of tribulation. "Whatever happens, I will be present to ensure that no harm comes to those who have faith in my judgement above their own." According to White House sources, the President has privately stated that anyone allowing spiritual forces to convey them was probably attempting to avoid paying their lawful share of taxes. Said Aaron Zorn, White House special assistant, "We don't have a ruling from Treasury yet, but the President feels strongly that divine intervention, conducted without consulting him first, is probably a Christian attempt to dodge 2011 taxes and will blow a hole in the deficit." According to Zorn, the President laughed at the idea that anyone would prefer a heaven over the paradise he is building on earth. "I am here, putting forth my polices and programs that will help my needy. But let those go who doubt my sincerity. Too bad they're gonna miss out on high speed rail and all the green jobs." Image: newstechnica.com)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

HHS Exempts All Democrats From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Weary of issuing waivers for service unions and cool nightclubs in liberal districts, the Department of Health and Human Services has decreed a blanket exemption for all Democrats from any provision of President Obama's health care plan. "Our waiver process operates under the assumption that no one who runs a business wants this health care plan hung around their neck," said Kate Benson, spokesmen for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "So then how do you decide who gets a waiver? We'll if you happen to be an expensive restaurant in Congresswoman Pelosi's district, that's an automatic waiver. Same for any union anywhere. But what of other businesses? How should one decide?" Benson stated that by exempting all Democrats based on DNC donations for the 2012 presidential race, HHS had a clear view of whom to waiver. "Our job is so much easier," said Benson, a satisfied tone in her voice. "Now that all the good people are exempted it leaves only the greedy and selfish. However, if they wish to donate to any of the fine Democratic candidates preparing to run in the next election cycle, then they [businesses] are, by definition, 'good' and would qualify for a waiver. It's sad when people make this process more complicated than it needs to be." 
(Image: podcyprus.com)

Monday, May 16, 2011

White House Transparency Witness Disappears

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An evasive White House witness defending the administration's transparency policy vanished from the midst of a congressional hearing, leaving onlookers stunned. "One minute, he's right there," said House staffer Adam Dantonio. "The next second poof! gone; like a magic act." Security checked the floor and seat where the witness, White House aide Daniel Gordon, had been seated invoking confidentiality in response to congressional questions regarding a presidential transparency order. Said Dantonio, "Security couldn't find any trapdoors or flash palm smell. Then they checked the ceiling for a harness, but that didn't play out." Dantonio and others speculated that Gordon was so slippery he may have slid out quietly without attracting attention. "He [Gordon] was like a snake dipped in baby oil. You couldn't get a grip on him. He might have easily oozed from the room. Is there a comic book character who can turn into a slick liquid? If there isn't, someone should draw one and call it 'Gordon Man.'"
(Image: tribuneindia.com)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Syrian, Chinese Cops Praise Indiana Supreme Court Decision

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Police states around the world have hailed an Indiana Supreme Court ruling that citizens have no right to resist unlawful police entry into their homes. "At last, a modern common-sense decision," said Adad Al Hamwi, sniper for Syria's National Security Directorate. Al Hamwi took a moment out from shooting demonstrations in the southern Syrian city of Daraa to comment on the 3-2 decision. "By placing the blame for violent escalation firmly on citizens, the Indiana court has freed up the police to be dynamic and creative. Where is the fun in police work if anyone can defend their home? You couldn't kick in a door, or try out a new battering ram, without some criminal hiding behind this insane American 4th Amendment." Al Hamwi squeezed off two quick shots, dropping a sign-waving protester over two-hundred meters away. "You see the danger I was just in? That sign could put out an eye. That's why it's better for police to have all the rights."

Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)

Friday, May 13, 2011

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)
 
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