Rare Giant Stingray Vulnerable to Depth Charges

TOFO, MOZAMBIQUE - Marine biologists have learned that rare smalleye stingrays are extremely vulnerable to exploding depth charges. These graceful ocean giants, two meters across, cannot handle severe detonations and will float to the surface dead. A joint U.S.-British expedition aboard a British frigate divided the sea around Manta Reef into grid squares, then dropped depth charges. Marine biologist Kevin Peterman, a researcher at Scripps Research Institute in La Jolla, CA, stated the expedition used old World War II Mark IX's loaded with 200 pounds of Torpex, setting the fuses for varying depths. "Clearly, all the rays that floated to the surface were killed by the blasts as well as some other fish, several of which were new species previously undiscovered." Peterman believed undersea explosions were the future of marine biology. "With cuts in funding, a depth charge eliminates the need to dive by blasting everything topside, right next to your boat. It's like pizza delivery, only every order has anchovies." (Video: cgoble72)

Stimulus Funds Jihad, Counts as 'Jobs Created'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice-President Joe Biden announced the Stimulus Package will fund domestic jihad operations conducted by Islamic terrorists, counting them as 'jobs created.' Biden explained, "Suppose you loath the Great Satan America, but can't afford guns, ammunition, or C4 to kill infidels and martyr yourself. By using stimulus money to purchase such items, you've got a seat on the Jihad Express. I'd call that a 'job created.'" In addition, the vice president noted that additional jobs are created or saved among gun shop retail clerks, police and emergency medical personal, funeral directors, CAIR spokesmen and media anchors who use the word 'backlash.'" Biden was dismissive of critics who felt underwriting terrorists was 'bad policy.' "That hateful attitude could insult the Saudis who lend us the money in the first place. Besides, this is government. How do you not spend billions?" (Photo: proudatheists.wordpress.com)

Robber Blames Spree on 'Band of Brothers' PTSD

PALMYRA, NJ - A man arrested for robbing four stores in a mini-mall blamed his actions on PTSD, acquired after seeing Band of Brothers. Dillon Malone told police that after viewing the last episode of the popular World War II mini-series, he felt tense and anxious. Malone's attorney, Victor Angeletti stated, "Let's face it: watching several hours of combat in the European Theater is no picnic. Malone's symptoms are classic post-traumatic-stress-disorder such as you only observe in combat veterans." Malone has numerous convictions for armed robbery, burglary, and theft, as well as an expensive meth amphetamine habit. He was overheard telling tavern patrons that when he needed money he just took it at gunpoint. However, Angeletti cautioned against a rush to judgement. "There's no way we'll ever know what triggered my client's outburst. But clearly PTSD was in the mix, accelerated by an inadequate health care system that ignores the needs of our nation's second-hand veterans." (Photo: gracefellowshipchurch.com)

Muslim Major Shoots Up Base, Media Target Amish

FT. HOOD, TX - A Muslim army officer who admired Islamic suicide bombers and handed out Korans is in custody for shooting fellow soldiers as the media focus on the Amish. NBC and CBS news crews descended on Lancaster, PA, hoping to unearth clues linking Major Nidal Malik Hasan to the Mennonites, an obscure Christian sect. "There was nothing noteworthy in his [Major Malik Hasan's] background," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Nothing points to a motive for attacking his own men." And while Malik Hasan was upset over the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and had been warned by superiors to stop proselytizing Islam, Couric felt the answers lay in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. "Horses, quilts and bonnets have been known to cause madness," she stated. "That madness can seep into hand-made furniture or various jellies. It's entirely possible Major Malik Hasan may have eaten tainted Christian jam, brought to Ft. Hood by a soldier returning from leave. That jam caused him to behave violently. Otherwise, we'll probably blame tea parties and Glenn Beck." (Photo: galenfrysinger.com)

San Francisco Rejects Hetrosexual Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A controversial city ballot measure expanding the definition of marriage to include a man and a woman was defeated yesterday by a wide margin. Supporters were disappointed, having raised tens of thousands of dollars from companies such as Crate and Barrel and the The Pottery Barn who had hoped to cash in on new business. "Our fight has just begun,"said measure supporter Dennis Oswald. "We're taking this to the streets." Oswald vowed he and others would commit acts of civil disobedience by blowing whistles at the November Sing-A-Long Sound of Music at the Castro Theatre, and sounding air horns during the Donna Summer medley at the Mary-Go-Round Drag Show. (Photo: masonryan.wordpress.com)

Obama Blames Bush for Democrat Losses

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Annoyed over GOP victories in Virginia and New Jersey, President Obama blamed his party's defeats on former President George W. Bush. "Somehow Bush made mean things happen, like he usually does," said the President. "Make no mistake: he runs around and fills the air with bad juice." Asked about New Jersey where the president campaigned hard for Governor Jon Corzine, Obama responded, "Bush told us Corzine had a substantial lead. Clearly, he lied again. And we fell for it." When questioned about the Virginia governor's race, Obama laughed, "Isn't it clear? Bush filled the air with bad juice and a Democrat lost. Anyone who says different is not telling the truth." In addition, President Obama blamed Bush for the Thirty Year's War, the eruption of Krakatoa, and the last two seasons of The Sopranos. (Photo: hydarblog.wordpress.com)

Al Gore Promotes Waterless Toilet

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Environmental businessman Al Gore recently invested in the Log Jam Waterless Commode, a toilet relying on dung beetles to devour waste. Manufactured by Aqua Frei Corporation, the toilet is touted as savings millions of gallons lost daily to unnecessary flushes. Said Aqua Frei President Alan Millstone, "Do your business, press a button, and big beetles drop down into the bowl and eat up everything in twelve hours or less. These beetles are rigorously trained not to leave the tank, or, if they do, not venture very far." Gore invested 35 million dollars into Aqua Frei, believing passionately in the company's green approach. Congress has already taken up legislation that would mandate Log Jam Waterless Commodes in airports, national park gift shops, and the Smithsonian. When asked if he would replace his home's flush toilets with the Log Jam, the former vice-president sadly declined. "First, let the American people experience the benefits of smart, green technology. I'll suffer with the old toilet for now." (Photo:goliathus.com)