Darwin Took Ideas from 'Evolution for Imbeciles'

LONDON, UK - New evidence has surfaced that Charles Darwin stole his idea on natural selection from an 1858 book entitled Evolution for Imbeciles. Researchers at the University of Sussex have uncovered correspondence between Darwin and 'Imbeciles' author Mayhew Tibbs. In the letters, Darwin admitted to having no clue how life progressed: "It's all so frightfully complicated. Did I tell you? I shot a turtle down in the Galapagos with a small cannon. The beggar exploded like crockery." Tibbs suggested Darwin say life evolved through luck and family connections, much like Tibbs himself. However, Darwin, under pressure to publish something, poached Tibbs' theory of natural selection and printed On the Origin of Species. He then had Tibbs framed for fondling a carriage, a serious crime back then. By the time Tibbs emerged from prison, Darwin had published a second edition of 'Orgin' and left him a note: "One day, they'll invent something called a 'telephone.' When they do, don't call me." Tibbs moved to Scotland, where he constructed a small gallows which he used to execute mice after an brief trial, much to the amusement of children and the approval of local adults. In his later years, Darwin grew remorseful. In a letter to H.G. Wells, the scientist wrote, "What a cad I am! For a theory, I totally destroyed Tibbs. I should feel miserable, if I weren't so keen to give eugenics a go. Send me any spare Irish you may have lying around the house." (Photo: americamagazine.org)

Newsweek Merges with Highlights For Children

COLUMBUS, OH - As part of a market expansion, The Washington Post Company has purchased Highlights for Children. Said Post Company spokesperson Lillian St. Francis, "We're blending the style and layout of Highlights with the impartial journalistic insight of Newsweek." St. Francis said the new publication, Newsweek Highlights, would feature fun, fact-filled pages designed to keep the old readership while reaching out to attract busy children. Editor-in-Chief Evan Thomas is reportedly working on the new layout. "We're delighted with Evan's measured approach," said St. Francis. For instance, Goofus and Gallant will teach social skills by showing George W. Bush and Barack Obama performing the same action two different ways. Headwork features simple questions for kids written by Eleanor Clift, including such teasers as: 'Is Sarah Palin evil or stupid and evil?' And, of course, the back page of every issue will showcase What's Wrong? with readers searching a picture of children at play for objects that don't fit such as free enterprise, low taxes, or signs critical of President Obama. (Photos: onceuponawin.com & samuelatgilgal...)

Hadron Collider Ready For Next Glitch

SWITZERLAND - Back in operation after a year of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider is ready to begin breaking down again. According to Director Gustav Hertzel of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, "The collider is a complicated machine that operates in a 17-mile long tunnel at a temperature of 271 degrees below zero Celisus. At an energy of 14 trillion electron volts, it generates almost a billion collisions per second between protons. I have no idea what any of that means, but it is very difficult to maintain and breaks down a lot." Hertzel frankly admitted the experimental potential of the LHC, and its ultimate value to science, was overstated. "This device was specifically designed to break down. Then it was designed to be fixed by people working lots of overtime and weekends at double time. One of them is my brother-in-law. Another is a cousin. Then there are the scientists, waiting for the LHC to operate correctly. Hapless fools. They should've learned to fix LHC's." (Photo: newsbiscuit.com)

Women, Weak Men Drawn to 'New Moon'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Breaking box office records on Friday, Twilight sequel New Moon continued to pack movie houses with an audience composed primarily of women and non assertive men. The vampire romance, starring Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart, has conducted extensive audience tracking revealing a high proportion of male weaklings. "We're seeing a lot of guys who've never asked for a raise," said theater owner Casey Gilmore, a former paratrooper. "Guys who are guilt-tripped into helping someone move every weekend." According to audience statistics, 17 percent of New Moon male attendees were regular men hoping to win girlfriend points. An additional 4 percent were gay or metrosexual, distinguished from weak men by Banana Republic clothing. The remaining 79 percent of men watched the film because they were manipulated, bullied, or simply suffered from general weakness and ended up at New Moon the way water seeks its own level. "I like weakies," said Gilmore. "You can tell 'em to clean up the theater afterwards and they will. That leaves more time for our regular employees to steal." (Photo: soundonsight.org)

Cthulhu Favors Public Option

R'LYEH, PACIFIC OCEAN - Great Old One Cthulhu leans toward a public option in the ongoing healthcare debate. "Though in no way human, I believe it's a basic human right for people to have good-quality, medical coverage." Pausing to crush a small vessel filled with screaming sailors, the colossal entity continued, "And to make that happen, you need a large entity like the government to wade in. Of course, there will be many new taxes, plus rationing to hold down costs." Cthulhu paused, staring off into the distance, sending out thought waves that would drive artists and sensitive folk mad on a half-dozen continents. "But that's the price a civilized nation pays for universal care." Leaning back against the wall of a strange, titanic temple constructed using non-Euclidean geometry, Cthulhu tugged thoughtfully at his facial tentacles. "But without getting all high and mighty, the healthcare argument doesn't really interest me. Once the stars align and we [Great Old Ones] return to rule earth, we're gonna crush everything and eat everybody, so get the government involved...or not. I roll either way." (Photo: roberthood.net)

Oprah Ends Talk Show, Starts New Talk Show

CHICAGO, IL - Megastar Oprah Winfrey's talk show will end in 2011, coinciding with the start date for her newest project: hosting a comedy talk show. Said Danby Helix of Winfrey's Harpo Productions, "This is just the latest step in the ongoing creative dynamo known as Oprah Winfrey. The new venue, Oprah's Crazy Afternoon, will showcase her lighter side, featuring puppet co-hosts, sketch comedy with midgets, a weekly pie fight, and taped remote segments with Chaz Bono." According to Helix, Winfrey has always had a zany streak. "New Age guru Eckhart Tolle was on once to promote The Power of Now. Oprah kept pressing her palms against her mouth and blowing, making this blatting fart sound. Then she'd feign shock, turn on Ekhart and call him 'gas bag' and 'stink machine.' She kept that up for 9 or 10 minutes until the studio audience became so quiet you could hear cells divide. But I laughed the whole time, and being on staff had nothing to do with it." (Photo: tornpaige.com)

Army Ignored Hasan Beheadings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A memo leaked from Walter Reed Medical Center revealed that Nidal Hasan beheaded numerous people in different incidents ignored by Army brass. Dated March 3, 2007, the memo from Hasan's supervisor at Walter Reed was addressed to the Credentials Committee. It read: "Subject: Cpt. Nidal Hasan - The faculty has serious concerns about Cpt. Hasan's professionalism and commitment to duty in that he has twice carried a large sword into the commissary and, while screaming 'Allahu Akbar,' beheaded personal eating pork rinds or BLT sandwiches. In addition, Cpt. Hasan has used a different large sword to behead a colleague for refusing to convert to Islam. This was done during a seminar and disrupted a Powerpoint presentation on depression. Cpt. Hasan's actions demonstrate poor judgement and behaviour inappropriate to an officer. We feel he may need counseling." A Pentagon spokesman downplayed the memo, stating, "His large swords were always confiscated. And, by the way, they weren't 'swords.' They were scimitars. Somebody flubbed a few details." (Photo: elfwood.com)