Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weiner Battles Demons, a Kangeroo

NEW YORK CITY, NY - On leave of absence from congress due to sexual obsessions, Anthony Weiner  (Dem. NY 9) is undergoing an unorthodox treatment centered around aversion therapy and confronting his demons. Sources inside the Brooklyn Center for Psychiatric Wellness would not comment on the record but stated unofficially that Weiner faces severe obstacles. "He's extremely narcissistic," said one source. "Our first task was to get the congressman to stop disrobing and photographing himself." In order to break Weiner of the habit he was dressed in a large clown costume and made to wear boxing gloves. Despite the difficulty involved, Weiner persisted and doctors resorted to aversion therapy, compelling the veteran congressman to fight a kangeroo. "Weiner is very sarcastic," explained the source,"but you can't hurt a kangaroo's feelings. It'll just keep hitting you no matter how cutting your remarks." Badly trounced, Weiner stayed dressed for an entire day.

Encouraged by the progress, doctors then invited him to confront his demons. But results were mixed. Said the source, "The demons are pure spirit so you can't see them, but they'd taunt Weiner and ask him to Twitter Hell. Sometimes they'd loosen screws on chairs so anyone sitting down would fall on his butt. Weiner tried over talking the demons and making snarky remarks about how they were damned and would spend eternity cut off from green jobs. But the demons laughed and rapped on the wall. One of them tried tapping out the drum solo from 'In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.' I only know that because my grandfather once played an Iron Butterfly CD for me."
(Image: Martin Bosque)

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