Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cannibal Hockey League Seeks Respect

CALGARY, CANADA - With NHL play beginning, everybody's talking Flames while nobody's talking the Munching Eagles. "It's like we don't exist to anyone," said Eagle's Coach Pierre St. Laurent, referring to the brand new Cannibal Hockey League. Formed as a result of a massive lawsuit brought against the NHL by the ACLU, backed by Canadian and U.S. anti-discrimination laws, the CHL consists of fourteen teams in the United States, Canada, and Greenland. "Most of our guys are from New Guinea, the Solomon Islands and places like that there," said St. Laurent. "So teaching 'em ice hockey was a real nutcracker." Battling player ignorance isn't the team's only hurdle. The Munching Eagles face off later this week against the Vermont Long Pigs at Pengrowth Saddledome. According to St. Laurent, "We drop the puck at 2:00 AM. Not many people want to watch cannibal hockey at that time. It could be a problem." Marketing for the new league has been controversial, focusing on guilt-tripping the public into attending games or being labeled 'racist cannibal haters.' "I'm not so sure that's a hundred percent the way to go," said St. Laurent. "But, when I think about it, maybe no crowd is a good thing at first. A lot of the guys still worship cargo and eat each other. We need to cut down on that while they're on the ice, eh?" Tickets to Thursday morning's contest are still available. The first one-thousand fans will receive a shrunken head with the Munching Eagles logo and tickets to a road game in Butte, Montana against the Noshing Cattlemen.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Iran Decries Polanski Arrest

TEHRAN, IRAN - Joining movie mogul Harvey Weinstein and a growing chorus of international celebrities, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has spoken out on the Swiss arrest of film director and convicted child-molester Roman Polanski. "This is immoral, disgusting, and disgraceful," said Ahmadinejad. "Polanski is a famous film director. Hello? Chinatown, anyone? So he buggered a girl child? And...?" The Iranian President pointed out under Iranian law, child-rape is only illegal if a male family member objects. "Then you attend religious court and, if the mullah had a rough night, end up paying a few rial." Ahmadinejad chuckled when told Polanski had plied the girl with alcohol and drugs before raping her. "Westerners are so soft and devious. What ever happened to a Tootsie Pop and brute force?" (Photo: &

Monday, September 28, 2009

ACORN States Everyone Has Underage Sex Slaves

WASHINGTON, D.C. - ACORN denounced recent attacks on their organization as an 'overblown, hate smear because everyone keeps underage sex slaves.' According to spokesperson Grant Billings, "The reason our employees accommodated undercover operatives in housing teen prostitutes was because everyone has a few. I'll bet over a beer most people will admit to harboring thirteen-year-old, Salvadorean whores in the rec room." Billings stated media coverage was reminiscent of the 1998 scandal involving President Clinton's White House sexual adventures. "Once again, a big to-do over something everyone does - in this case, compelling foreign teenagers to love the mailman for cash." He added, "Ask your friends and you'll probably learn underage prostitution has paid for dental bills, Christmas presents and car repairs. This activity is a vital part of our economy. And, once we pass single-payer health care, these girls can get the HIV tests and penicillin shots they so vitally need. Won't that be better for everyone?" (Photo:

Saturday, September 26, 2009

U.S. Threatens Iran with Carrot-and-Celery-Stick Diplomacy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Upon learning of Iran's second nuclear facility, the State Department promised to unleash 'carrot and celery stick diplomacy.' "We will talk with Iran," said State Department spokesperson Adam Weltman. "But if they fail to explain this new facility with its nuclear bomb-making capability, then Iran can expect another, more serious round of talks." Weltman believes a combination of talking, then talking harshly will convince Iran to cooperate with international agencies. "No one likes back-to-back talks," said Weltman. "Especially when there's a real tone to the second talking. We believe this will bring the Iranians to the table and keep them there." When pressed for comment, an Iranian spokesperson stated everyone fears a good scolding. Nevertheless, Iran would talk with the United States even if some of the talks held notes of disappointment and shame. "We will continue strengthening our facility, but we will also talk. And listen. We will talk and listen. That is how seriously we take this." (Photo:

Friday, September 25, 2009

Obama School Kid Song Written By Norah O'Donnell

BURLINGTON TOWNSHIP, NJ - A song by B. Bernice Young Elementary School kids in praise of President Obama was written by MSNBC correspondent Norah O'Donnell. According to an anonymous source, the 'Mmmm Mmmm Obama' tune was penned by O'Donnell during the 2008 presidential campaign. "Norah was listening to an Obama speech, swaying back and forth, enraptured by the marvelous cadence and power of his words," recalled the source. "Suddenly, she began humming 'mmmm mmmm,' then adding lyrics such as 'He said red, black, yellow or white/All are equal in his sight.' It was so spontaneous and real. Before you knew it, everyone on every network but Fox was singing along." O'Donnell tried teaching the lyrics to MSNBC's Keith Olbermann but he was unable to complete a verse without raging and screaming. "Norah felt Keith was hurting the song's tone of pure, innocent worship. So she gave him a belt to chew on." (Photo:

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Obama: 'UN Parking Tickets Fund Global Warming Fight'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a speech to the United Nations, President Obama called upon member nations to pay their parking tickets so the United States could use the money to fight global warming. "We face a colossal cataclysm that will crush our craniums," said the President. "But with the money mustered from years and months of unpaid motor misdemeanors, America will mount a massive assault upon the monstrous morphing of our climate." The President is prepared to offer loans and grants to help countries pay their back tickets, as well as rebates and cash incentives if they pay before the end of 2009. President Obama hoped United Nations members would take advantage of these incentives. "I think the world will find they finish first fiscally by freely paying fines." (Photo:

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Boos, Screams Greet Met Opera's 'Tosca' Performed by Bears

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Audience reaction was harsh over Swiss director Luc Bondy's decision to cast brown bears in all the principle roles of 'Tosca.' "No one believed it," said opera critic Mallo Gaines. "Even though they dubbed in singing from an old performance, the bears were nervous and didn't like the lights and noise and started grunting. This was not Puccini." Boos and catcalls turned to screams when the bear portraying Cavaradossi shambled into the audience and cuffed several patrons, flipping them into the air like salmon. After the performance, with ambulances still arriving, Bondy remained defiant. "Some have called me 'textually unfaithful.' But I feel my choice of bears was refreshing and a welcome break from the human-centric dominance of traditional opera. Perhaps it was my way of saying 'we are all bears?' Perhaps not. In any case, we go back to people tomorrow night because we ran out of tranquilizer darts. Will I be blamed for that too?" (Photo:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

NEA Funds 'Urine Lake' in Support of ObamaCare

PILING, MA - Pro ObamaCare artists have filled an old quarry with thousands of gallons of urine in an NEA-funded exhibit called 'Urine Lake.' "These are my peeps," said Deputy Director Buffy Wicks of the White House Office of Public Engagement. Working with artists around the country in conjunction with the National Endowment of the Arts, Wicks hopes to energize the public in support of the President's health care initiative. "We wanted to make a bold statement right out of the gate," said Wicks about Urine Lake. "And while I can't tell you what it means exactly, it symbolizes healthcare change." Wicks and the NEA have also underwritten a ninety-foot statue of the Pope made out of bobcat dung, and the Bullwinkle balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade covered in menstrual blood. "Again, this is crazy stuff the artists come up with," giggled Wicks. "But it means pro healthcare change, which means its all good. Maybe they could use modeling clay sometime. I hope so. It would sure smell nicer." (Photo:

Monday, September 21, 2009

Obama Appears on Venice Beach with Megaphone

VENICE BEACH, CA - Yelling through a megaphone, a shirtless President Obama harangued a large crowd, arguing for his health care plan and growing hoarse as he competed with a loud boom box and a chain-saw juggler. Despite general admiration for his pecs, the President lost a major portion of the crowd when a man roller-skated past with a parrot that squawked out curse words. The appearance was part of the President's health care offensive, with a second speech scheduled for later at an Orange Julius in Woodland Hills. "I'm very positive my message is being heard," whispered the President. "Plus I made three dollars and forty-nine cents in tips." (Photo:

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Second Tallest Man Charges Guinness Book with Racism

SOFIA, BULGARIA - At a press conference, Anastas Petkov Dragonov has accused the Guinness Book of World Records of racism in their choice of eight foot-one inch Sultan Kosen as World's Tallest Man. "Oh, yeah, sure, he's an inch taller than me. But don't you think that's racist?" An upset Guinness has stated they are considering giving the title to the shorter Dragonov. "This is a serious charge," said a Guinness spokesperson. "We will do all in our power not to be charged with this. If it will make Mr. Dragonov stop calling us that name, he can be tallest man in the world and we'll throw in some cash and a free copy of our book. I hope that pleases him." (Photo:

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Tiny T-Rex Fossil Beaten by Chinese Authorities

SHENYANG, CHINA - A newly discovered fossil of a tiny Tyrannosaurs Rex was beaten by Chinese police after authorities learned the creature roamed China 65 million years ago without proper documents. "This is most disrespectful," said a police spokesperson. "Proper documents are necessary. We are not a nation of vagabonds." In addition, the creature will receive a sentence of four years in the Chinese gulag where it will be expected to assemble flashlights for export. "If it refuses to work, hiding behind the facade of extinction, its sentence will be extended. We are not weaklings." (Photo: Courtesy Todd Marshall/Science via CNN)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fashion Week: New Collections Clownish and Silly

NEW YORK CITY - Spring-Summer 2010 Fashion Week kicked off with a preview of Gerald Ducat's bold collection that signals a switch from femininity to buffoonish poor taste. Striking oranges, reds and purples replace delicate shades in outfits featuring large, fuzzy buttons and voluminous pants that will make any woman appear half-awake and stupid. Dresses made of forest green apartment awnings expose a single breast cutout that seems accidental. "The Ducat look is distinct, fierce, alive with a simmering appeal designed to bring out the inner goof," said Ducat, waving to Madonna. "These clothes are made to be worn with a drinking problem." As always, the Ducat collection will be backed by an extremely expensive fragrance and accessory line, bringing the cost of a complete Ducat outfit to around the price of buying Davenport, Iowa. Ducat embraced himself in a mirror. "What is fashion but the desire to make the rich pay a fortune for looking like street people with good teeth? Write that down. That's clever." (Photo:

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Treasure Map Found on Kayne West's Head

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL - A map that could lead to a long-sought Mayan treasure was discovered on the head of R&B/Hip-Hop artist Kayne West. West was stunned to learn that his intricate cranial decoration held a cryptic meaning. Said West, "I went to my hair stylist and said, 'Cut it cool and don't make it look like a map.' But the fool did it anyway. Now the map turns out to be real. Crazy." Scientists and treasure hunters, working off photos of West's skull taken at the MTV Video Awards, have located the treasure in the ruins of an ancient Mayan temple complex deep in the Guatemalan jungle. An expedition is in the forming stages, however several meetings have been disrupted by West, bursting in and promoting Robert Ballard as expedition leader even though the treasure is not located under the sea. One scientist remarked, "Pity the map wasn't on P-Diddy's head. We'd have found the treasure and spent it by now." (Photo: Getty)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Old Fools Denounce Carter

RENO, NV - An organization of elderly oafs, jerks and big-mouths have signed a petition denouncing Jimmy Carter for referring to Obama critics as 'racist.' "He's a stupid, bumbling, turkey neck," said Old Fools International chairman Gideon Zurp, who dislikes the attention the thirty-ninth president steals from dim-witted elderly people. "He sucks up all the air in the room," complained Zurp. "I just said the German Army was living in low income housing in Crown Point, Indiana and were waiting for a signal to attack Chicago. But then Carter runs his yap and no one pays any attention to me. I wish the rabbit would come back and attack him again." (Photo:

Sunday, September 13, 2009

New Segway Features Air Horn and Sleeper Cab

MANCHESTER, N.H. - Segway inventor Dean Kamen has added a truck air horn and a sleeping compartment to the latest model of the personal transporter. "We felt it was time for a more muscular Segway," said Kamen. Along with his DEKA Research Team, Kamen worried that the added weight of a sleeper cab would strain the transporter's electrical power. "Turns out that's true," said Kamen. "So we stopped worrying and built it anyway." The new version, called the Segway Open Roader, can travel up to a mile and half before needing a 24-hour recharge. But Kamen remains confident the Open Roader will catch on. "Right now, we're working on a bigger battery. Hopefully, we can up the distance a little. But the horn is awesome. It scares the hell out of birds. Buy it for the horn." (Photo:

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Pro-War Activist, Comedy Writer Dead at 89

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Comedy writer Pez Rompert, who created the 1982 pro-nuclear war sit-com Boom and Bust, died at his Brentwood home. His death was confirmed by a neighbor, who was over visiting, "Pez asked me who was winning the conflict between Italy and Ethopia. I said that war was toast. Then he coughed twice like you do when a doctor holds your nuts, kicked me in the shins, then died. Then I helped myself to a couple of Milky Ways and a blender I saw on the kitchen counter."

Born on November 3, 1919 in Los Angeles to film pioneers Lincoln and Cascade Rompert, Pez loved war from an early age. In a grade school essay, he urged giving the Indians back their land so Americans could take it from them again, this time using aircraft and tanks. Always quick-witted, Pez found work writing gag scenarios for his father, who filmed a popular series of Depression era shorts featuring hobos fighting sharks and tigers. After high school, Pez traveled to Spain, where he kept a diary, listing humorous anecdotes, and, occasionally, helping both sides finish off wounded.

Back home, his memoirs formed the basis for his first pro-war film, a comedy starring Jack Oakie called Spain in the Neck. When World War II broke out, Pez enlisted in the Army Air Corps and traveled to England. As a ball turret gunner, he was demoted after firing his machine gun before, during and after missions. Kept busy inflating bomber tires, Pez wrote a series of humorous letters to his parents. After the war, these letters formed the basis for a comedy serial about a talking B-17 called, Plane Speaking.

In 1949, Pez married actress Gwilm Toledo, who had appeared in the 1947 Universal thriller Frankenstein vs Communist Union Thugs. They eventually had four children, all of whom became degenerates, studio executives, or both.

No stranger to the grape, Pez struggled for many years with alcoholism, but could never quite develop a serious drinking problem. His sprees were short and nothing to brag about, he turned work in on time, never struck his wife, and never quarreled with the police. This caused an uproar in the studios, where the bosses liked their writers soused, making them easy pickings at contract time.

Boom and Bust is Rompert's most remembered project and his most political. Set in an ICBM silo, Pez' Air Force characters openly call President Reagan a coward for not lighting up the Soviets. Each week, the cast "accidentally" fired off a nuke and vaporized Guam or Tunisia. Generally, a survivor of the nuked nation would write the characters to say how much better nuking had made his radiation-shortened life. Though it only lasted one season, "Boom" became a VHS hit and can be found on You Tube with Finnish subtitles and the original concertina score.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to pick a fight with a stranger in a bakery. (Photo:

Friday, September 11, 2009

CNN Runs 'Pretend News' Drill

WASHINGTON, D.C. - CNN erroneously reported a Coast Guard vessel firing at a boat on the Potomac River as part of an exercise in pretend reporting. "Our experience indicates that an absence of facts may best be overcome by making things up," said a source inside CNN. "By inventing news, we control the story better. Additionally, pretend stuff requires many updates. And that's comforting to our advertisers." CNN will continue the exercise by airing stories on Satan at a healthcare protest and Howard Dean opening a meditation center. (Photo:

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kennedy Ghost Appears Drunk at Obama Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. - During President Obama's health care speech, observers saw the spectral figure of Ted Kennedy holding a large cocktail and a plastic backscratcher shaped like a hand. The Kennedy shade wandered the viewing gallery, using the backscratcher to part women's garments and peek inside. At one point, the ghost threw up a portion of ectoplasmic lobster and some ghost tangerines. After vanishing for several minutes, former senator Ted Kennedy reappeared on the chamber floor where he dry-humped colleague Barbara Boxer before disappearing. "We knew he'd come back for this," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "He wanted health care for everyone but himself while he lived. And lobster. But I don't think Barbara Boxer ever figured in his plans that way. I guess that means Ted is really dead." (Photo:

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Maya Angelou: In The Beginning

(These poems (recently discovered by Froynlaven) are believed to be among Maya Angelou's earliest attempts at verse. Enjoy, weep, be.)


Weeping mournfully I uttered nothing
Lips pursed in quiet silence trickled
The man in the hat
The man in the hat
Greeting muted passings on the long long road
Running clippingly as fresh baked yams mocked gleefully
Strong were the words of solitude
Anger at their mention
Hatred like a doo doo.


Corn knows no other way
It cannot grab with fleshy paws
It cannot sing the song of the perennial
Corn knows no other way
Corn knows no other
Corn knows no
Corn knows
Doo doo


June bug, crackerteeth and crow
He devised his own
Out of his own
June bug!
The long shadows weeping iridescent globules while their own voices shattered and rambled but un-noisily, un-willingly, un-applogetically, un-to and un-der the OTHERS who themselves sat lazily and doo doo.

h/t: Froynlaven

Chavez Strangles Small Monkey

VENICE, ITALY - Demonstrating his plans for domestic media critics, Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez throttled a small spider monkey in front of media outside the Venice Film Festival. "That's what those big mouths will get," said the jovial strongman, handing the dead animal to filmmaker Oliver Stone. Chavez waved off any claims of brutality, stating the monkey was already sick from having ingested a tainted pear. In Italy for the showing of Stone's documentary South of the Boarder, Chavez hoped to model Caracas after the city of Venice. "We need more canals and men in straw hats with ribbons. A socialist nation demands this." As Chavez made his way inside, Stone clutched the dead creature to his chest like a teenage girl holding a letter man's jacket. "Hugo touched this, than handed it to me," sobbed the director. "I'll press it and put it in my dairy, even if it takes a long time to get flat."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

UN Proposes Crap Currency

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The UN Conference on Trade and Development (UNCTAD) has proposed scrapping all currencies and replacing them with bills made of human waste. Said Lars Oafminster, UNCTAD spokesperson, "This is a renewable resource that would have all the value of the current U.S. dollar." And while economists agree on the comparative worth, they cite other issues not addressed in the UNCTAD report. "Dollars fold easily," said Merriman Vasely, economist at the University of Chicago, "but can we say the same for these new bills?" France and several other G20 nations have expressed reservations which Vasely feels are well-founded. "Countries wonder if the new bills will be good 'restaurant' money. How will cabbies react receiving a tip? Hopefully, these questions will be addressed. On the upside, you'd never run out of cash." (Photo:

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Jones Leaves Behind Earth City

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has announced his resignation in order to devote more time to communism and 9/11 Truther work, leaving numerous green projects unfinished. Mila Paganette, a Green Jobs spokesperson, expressed a sense of loss. "Van wanted to dig a barge canal from Seattle to Utah using green technology such as wooden axes and shovels. That would've employed many people for a long, long time." In addition, there was the Deep Holes Project, in which Jones foresaw using tea party mobs to dig a series of deep holes in the Alaskan permafrost using green technology such as pots and pans. But Jones' crowning achievement was-to-have-been New Earth City - a vast metropolis constructed in southern Arizona and modeled after Karnak in Luxor. Colossal temples dedicated to the environment, activism, and community organizing were envisioned, surrounded by immense statues of Barack Obama, Robert Gibbs, and George Clooney. Only the greenest of technology would've been used in construction," sighed Paganette. "including sticks, mud, and air, filled with happy worker songs." Paganette believes New Earth City will still happen. "Van will build it as soon as he overthrows capitalism, frees Mumia and exposes the 9/11 plot. Until then, we'll just have to wait along with the rest of the country." (Photo:

Friday, September 4, 2009

Van Jones Edges LaRouche in Nut Trifecta

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has edged perennial favorite Lyndon LaRouche in the 2009 Nut Trifecta. Sponsored by Nuts for Change, the yearly event crowns as winner the person holding three or more really crazy views for one year. Jones broke from the pack this week with the revelations that he was:
1. a communist
2. 9/11 Truther
3. a fee Mumia guy.
"Jones is surging," said Nut spokesperson Caliph Sydney. "But I think he'll fade. Lyndon is so grounded in nutism. He believes Newton's theory of gravity is a fraud and that Islam was invented by the Portuguese government. That's the low hanging fruit. And there's lots more where that came from." (Photo:

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Cannibals Back ObamaCare

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Supporters of the President's healthcare plan expressed their displeasure by devouring a 65-year-old man who opposed a single-payer option. "He tasted like chicken," said Voracious American spokesperson Enoch Weathers. "But at least he'll no longer be shilling for the insurance companies." Weathers and other pro-healthcare cannibals back the government's plan because it eliminates prior conditions, something Weathers says the insurance companies use to discriminate against Voracious Americans. "Let an HMO find out you like eating people and they'll deny coverage. Is it any of their business?" Weathers grows angry when compared to cannibal zombies in movies such as Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead. "We have jobs and pets and loved ones. Most of us can drive cars. We care deeply and are very passionate about healthcare. And we'll eat anyone who gets in our way. Plus we won't shop at Whole Foods." (Photo:

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Bernanke Denounces Own Reappointment

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At an afternoon hearing before the House Banking Committee, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke denounced his record and mocked President Obama for reappointing him. "What a doofus," chortled the Fed Chairman. "I whiffed on the sub-prime market collapse. I had no clue Fannie and Freddie were feckless goofs. I've printed money like the King of Zimbabwe. Interest rates are so low, you can't find 'em with an electron microscope. And I stuffed so much Tarp money up Wall Street butts, they're still crapping cash. And now I've got four more years. Wheeee!" Fed insiders claim Bernanke had "eleven or twelve drinks" during lunch and really didn't mean what he said. "He's proud of what important media outlets say about his record," said one source. Bernanke closed his testimony with the statement, "I'm immortal! I can't be fired! Everyone like me!" (Photo:

Silver Surfer Will Battle Scrooge McDuck

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney's acquisition of Marvel has produced its first hybrid production as work continues on a screenplay featuring the Silver Surfer locking horns with Scrooge McDuck. "No title yet," said Disney executive Scotty Arnette, "but we're excited to marry these franchises in a major motion picture." According to Disney sources, Scrooge McDuck attempts to acquire the Surfer's Power Cosmic, using a combination of bribes and lawsuits, tying the Silver Surfer up in court as Galactus returns to consume Earth. "We're thinking Law and Order meets Transformers," said Arnette, who will have creative control over the production unless the film bombs, at which time responsibility reverts back to the writer. Hoping for a release date around Christmas 2010, Arnette shared one of the film's set-pieces. "Here comes the Silver Surfer swooping down on Scrooge. But suddenly McDuck pulls out a big sack with $ on the side and clobbers the Surfer, knocking him off his board. Awesome, huh? We're working in something about the environment and hunting dolphins with shotguns. Maybe McDuck does it to chill. We're still noodling ideas around. But when we finish, that'll also be awesome."

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Suspect Curbed Sexual Urges with Kidnapping

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY, CA - In a manuscript obtained by INI, convicted sex offender Phillip Garrido relates how he overcame sexual urges by learning how to kidnap and imprison an eleven-year-old girl. "She saved me," said Garrido. "If she [Jaycee Lee Dugard] hadn't been forced by me to live in a tent-compound in my back yard for eighteen years, there's no telling what sort of actions I might've taken." Psychologists call this 'substitution,' but Garrido calls it a miracle. "All I can say is thank goodness for kidnapping. It made me a responsible family man." (Photo: CNN/El Dorado Co. Sheriff)