Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Perez Hilton Pens 'The Little Helium Boy'

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton has authored a new children's book about a young boy filled with helium. According to Hilton, its a story about the unpleasant consequences of non-acceptance. A young boy stuffed full of helium wants attention so he draws crude, disgusting pictures of his classmates with male sexual organs sticking out their mouths and butts or cocaine smeared around their lips. When the kids complain, the little boy erupts in rage and calls them 'heliumphobic'—a bad word that means 'abnormally afraid of helium.' The Little Helium Boy also investigates their allowances to discover how much and who pays each kid every week. Eventually, the Little Helium Boy floats off into the sky where he draws male sexual organs sprouting from the mouths and butts of birds.

Aimed at ages 4 through 8, The Little Helium Boy contains blunt sexual images as well as simulated drawings of narcotics and a very graphic pop-up section.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Bikini Brawler Inspires 'UFC with Fries'

LAS VEGAS, NV - In a desire to cash in on a viral video, mixed martial arts giant Ultimate Fighting Championship has announced a new cable series where MMA matches occur in a ring designed to look like a Florida Burger King. Called UFC with Fries, the series will feature an arena with a stainless steel counter, napkin dispensers and several uniformed employees, one of whom will be an MMA-trained fighter. "Fast food brawls are hot right now but they're amateur hour—poorly shot and lacking promos," said UFC spokesman Jerry Crawford. "We're gonna dial things up a notch."

In addition to the venue, another new wrinkle would involve introducing only a single combatant. Crawford explained: "If referee Big John McCarthy introduces, oh, say, Stephan Bonnar. Bonnar enters the arena, jumps up on the counter and starts trashing the place. However one of the "employees" is actually, say, Forrest Griffin. The next thing Bonnar knows, he's being choked out by the soda machine."

Crawford was excited at the partnering options presented by UFC with Fries. "One week the arena could look like a Taco Bell while the next week could be Hardee's. Then there's merchandising like foam rubber napkin dispensers kids can throw at home." Depending on the success of the new series, Crawford said UFC is searching for a Charlie Sheen vehicle. "We're in talks with his people right now, but there are worries about overexposure. There's a shelf life for the professionally dysfunctional and Charlie could be edging past his."
(Image: Deseret News)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Libyan War Good For Calorie Reduction

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A leaked summary of the President's speech tomorrow night states that weight loss will be included as a rationale for the new conflict. Said media analyst Len Parrish, "The summary mentions that losing calories, while not the sole reason for the Libyan attack, factors in heavily." Parrish adds that the First Lady's War on Childhood Obesity is included among the reasons President Obama launched air and missile strikes against Libyan forces. According to the summary, the President's speech will reference a Department of Agriculture claim that tension levels in combat and combat support units often lead to a loss of appetite, thus a slimmer, leaner military. In addition, civilian worries about loved ones in harm's way can act as a catalyst for a common-sense weight reduction program.

Parrish claims Administration sources will use tomorrow's night's speech as a springboard for a new government program: Drop Bombs and Pounds. Under the guidance of the First Lady and the USDA, the program will build upon themes contained in the speech to convince the American people that three wars going at once can be a positive weight loss step. In the near future, Drop Bombs and Pounds will advertise heavily on TV and the Internet promoting catch phrases such as:

War Actually Is Quite Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

No Calories For Corn Oil

Don't Let a Crisis Go to Waist
(Image: fresh! healthy vending)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Biden Staff Claim Reporter Asked to Be Imprisoned in Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Staff members of Vice-President Joe Biden have come out swinging after news surfaced that they'd confined a reporter at a fund-raiser to keep him from interviewing high-profile guests. "We would never keep anyone imprisoned, in a closet or a dungeon or anywhere, unless they specifically asked for such treatment," said Marty Fulmer, long-time Biden aide. According to Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers, he was sent to the home of Democratic billionaire Alan Ginsberg in Winter Park, Florida to cover a Biden fund raising speech for Democratic Senator Bill Nelson.

But the Vice-President's staff didn't fancy Powers interviewing any of the 150 guests who'd paid $500 apiece. So Powers was placed in a closet with a staffer standing guard outside. However Fulmer contradicted Powers' account, "To the best of my knowledge, Powers requested to be kept in a closet with a guard outside because he was dizzy. Don't make a big thing out of this. It's not like the Vice-President's motorcade killed another person."

Powers claims to have been released to cover the Vice-President's speech, then re-closeted while the guests departed. Another Biden staffer, Georgia Lanning, tried to place the matter in perspective. "You have to understand that staff members are regularly called upon to secure the Vice-President in a locked room especially when he forgets to take his anti-lunacy medicine. It's just routine."

But Marty Fulmer remained angry. "'Let's say, for example, we really did keep a reporter in a closet with a guard outside. It's not like we're Dick Cheney's staff. So how can it be wrong, let alone news?"
(Image: Drudge Report)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Earth Hour To Feature Outer Darkness, Wailing, Gnashing of Teeth

 SEATTLE, WA - This year's Earth Hour offers a new wrinkle, asking everyone to 'go beyond the hour' and spend 120 minutes outside in a dark place, wailing and gnashing their teeth. "There's something very poetic about that," said Mila Husting, a local Earth Hour organizer. The global event, scheduled for March 26 at 8:30 PM local time, has traditionally asked individuals and businesses to switch off all lights for one hour to signify awareness of global warming. But Hustings felt the action too tame and safe. "We want everyone experiencing the same anguish as our planet."

After stressing the need for participants to dress sensibly for local conditions, Husting conceded that two hours was a long time to wail. "We've held several workshops and people run out of gas quickly. That's why we've including Earth Sayings." Hustings explained that 'Earth Sayings' were proactive statements the earth would utter if it could talk during Earth Hour. The activities are ways to 'green up' a local environment. The idea is for participants to wail a few minutes, cry out an Earth Saying, perform the suggested action, then return to wailing. Earth Saying examples include:

"Owww, electric light hurts my eyes. Someone please break that street lamp."

"My earth skin hurts from coal mining. Dig a hole right here, right now and relieve the pressure with a potted plant."

"My earth tummy is full from so much trash. Please take other people's garbage home with you and make it taste good for me. Collect some now."

"And let's not forget teeth gnashing," added Hustings. "Many people just go 'grrrr' like a dog with a rag. We're asking everyone to really grind their teeth in rage and anguish—unless they have loose dentures or a note from a dentist."

Hustings felt it could take years for this form of 'green empathy' to catch on. "There's an initial fear of appearing silly and odd. But once we assure people they're saving the planet by sitting in the dark and baying like mourners at a Chinese funereal then they dive in big time." (Image: Earth Hour)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Raffle Held for Leadership of Libyan War, New Car

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - With NATO balking at Operation Odyssey Dawn, the Obama administration has announced a raffle with the winner receiving leadership of the Libyan war plus a 2009 Chevy Volt. According to NATO spokesman Giles Vanden Bergh, "Turkey is upset and Germany is also upset. And the Arab League has reversed itself like a crazy man walking backwards. So Washington has asked all NATO members except Germany, Turkey and the U.S. to pick a number between one and 25. That number will be placed in a hat in the Pentagon. Then a number will be drawn. The winner will hopefully assume leadership for coordinating the no-fly zone and maybe have a broad plan of some kind." To sweeten the deal, the White House is throwing in a free 2009 Chevy Volt. With Crystal Red Metallic trim coat and a neutral-with-black-accent interior, the Volt is an LT model and will include an iPod containing an uplifting speech by Michelle Obama to overweight children. Vanden Bergh was ambivalent about the situation. "If Estonia wins the raffle, then we must do what they say. But then someone would finally be in charge. So there's sweetness among the bitters." (Image: Autosavant)

Outrage Greets California Tax on Grooviness

SACRAMENTO, CA - With support eroding for his plan to close a $27 billion dollar shortfall, Governor Jerry Brown ran into a firestorm of opposition over his proposal to tax grooviness. Defined as "a hip mellowness extending into all things including long periods of unemployment and drug arrests," grooviness has long been seen as a basic human right by a majority of Californians. "Why don't they tax the 15 Republicans still in the state?" said Sky Hamilton, a life coach. "Let the rest of us do our thing which changes frequently."

Carlos "Oye Como Va" Suarez, a pot holder salesman, felt the tax unfairly targeted really cool Californians. "Here we are, kicking back, going with the flow and they want to tax that? Those are the very things that put Jerry Brown in office and made this state what it is today."

Bartok "Loaf" Cummings, a licensed begging instructor, pointed out a flaw in anti-tax arguments. "If someone is really laid back, they'd be down with a tax. It's like a certificate that says you're officially cool. What could be groovier?" (Image: My Opera)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

'Glee' Creator Slams Slim Whitman

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the latest round of Ryan Murphy vs. the Music Industry, the creator of the hit TV series Glee has savaged Slim Whitman after the retired country star declined to allow Murphy to license Whitman's 1952 hit "Indian Love Song." Fine," snapped Murphy. "But if he [Whitman] says 'no' to Glee then he's saying 'no to arts education in America. I just hope Mr. Whitman knows that without arts education children will be struck with pipes and burned alive in wicker cages. That's how vital it is." A spokesman for the 87-year-old Whitman declined comment.

Murphy has lashed out at groups such as Kings of Leon and the Foo Fighters for similar refusals and stands by the arrangements his show applies to licensed songs "We can make Nine Inch Nails sound like ****ing Justin Bieber," said Murphy. "You think that's easy?"

Insiders state the network is concerned about Murphy's vindictive snarky responses to musicians who refuse Glee a music license. Nevertheless, Fox denies Murphy is currently engaged in feuds with conductor Sir Simon Rattle of  the Berlin Philharmonic, and a man who plays the spoons on Sunset Boulevard.

via Memories64 

Obama Issues Letters of Marque and Reprisal

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress expressed outrage after President Obama issued letters of marque and reprisal to several golfing friends who own yachts. Article One of the Constitution lists the issuing of such letters as one of the enumerated powers of Congress. But White House Spokesman Allen Kutler stated, "The President thought it was a really cool power so he just took it. He has authority through either an executive order or being Commander-in-Chief. He called me on a bad line and told me, but there was a party going on in the background so I'm not a hundred percent certain." Technically, the president's friends could use their yachts to attack and seize other vessels then have the ships sold in Admiralty Court and pocket the profit. Kutler laughed off such scenario. "Does Libya even have boats? Beats me. But you have to admit, it is a cool power. I'm not sure about the reprisal part. But the President has that power too so it's Okay." (Image: Wickipedia)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Nostalgic Man Visits Old Storage Locker

BOULDER, CO - Driving up to the gate, Edward Vargas stopped, gazing at the fence. "Years ago they didn't have razor wire, just a nine-foot chain link fence. So that's new." After parking, the 40-year-old Vargas entered the office of the Rocky Mountain Storage Center. After 15 years, he had returned to take a peek at his old locker. Several minutes passed before Vargas convinced a puzzled Russian clerk that he didn't want to rent a unit, just visit his old one. At last Vargas and I took an elevator up to the second level. Feet echoing on the wooden floor, we walked down to a corrugated metal door No. 256. Secured with twin padlocks, the door resisted Vargas' half-hearted tugs. "Of course it's not going to open. You need a key. I was just hoping to see inside again." Seventeen years earlier Vargas had gotten married. His wife ordered him to dump all his old furniture including movie theater seats, an old Pac-Man video game and numerous boxes of cassettes including White Lion's Greatest Hits. "It was different back then. You got to know your locker neighbors. There was a really cute girl in No. 254. I tried flirting but both her parents had committed suicide and she was storing some of their old stuff so that went nowhere. It was all innocent anyway." According to Vargas, he visited his belongings for two years until his wife discovered a Rocky Mountain Storage Center invoice in a pair of his slacks. "She went nuts, hissing like a rat. 'I told you to pitch that crap two freaking years ago! What happened to my words? Did they bounce off your fat ears?' Blah, blah, blah. And my ears aren't fat." Finally compelled to empty the unit, Vargas occasionally drove past on his way to work as a fire extinguisher supervisor. Though the years lengthened, his memories never dimmed. "Those were formative times," said Vargas as we walked back toward the elevator. "Maybe in five years I'll try and get a reunion going; see if I can find 254 on Facebook. She might know where to find 258 and 263 and some of the others. We could meet in a bar. But no wives or husbands. Or is that creepy?" (Image: Frugal Reality)

Thanks to All

Much appreciation to Little Miss Attila, Stacy McCain, Protein Wisdom, POWIP and others for correcting a silly man and striking a non-satirical blow for satire.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Some Blood For Oil Okay

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the start of hostilities against Libya, the White House has announced that some blood shed for the acquisition of oil is now perfectly fine and, in fact, the mark of a patriot. According to White House spokesmen Allen Kutler the previous phrase No Blood for Oil is now 'inoperative.' "That slogan grew out of the first Gulf War," said Kutler. "Unfortunately, that war ended before the slogan could be worked into effective chants and stenciled onto protest signs." Flash forward from 1991 to 2001 when George W. Bush attacked Afghanistan. "No Blood for Oil was dusted off and given a new lease. Then, with the invasion of Iraq, it went into overdrive. You'd think oil would be cheaper today since we grabbed so much of it from Iraq—that being the purpose of our invasion— but what do I know?" Kutler stated the slogan, repeated for years by tens of thousands of people, has worn the edge off the words. "No Blood for Oil is stale now, like an old rye crisp." Kutler feels the current air strikes against an oil-rich Muslim nation are completely different in every way. "This is good force and if a new regime is established in Libya and oil deals are signed, it's perfectly cool even if American military died in the process." Kutler would like to see pro-war demonstrators chanting Some Blood for Oil. "That would be very nice. Because then the President could give a speech and say, 'Yes We Can.'" (Image: Howard Besser)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Japanese Urged to Try Rioting

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Frustrated by televised scenes of orderly Japanese waiting for water and other supplies, a New Orleans resident has urged the Japanese people to riot. "What are they waiting for?" said Charles Green, 41. "A written invitation?" Green felt that by refraining from looting and attacking fellow citizens the Japanese were missing out on a golden opportunity to shake loose some tension." Green referred to images of police helping Japanese victims instead of ransacking a store and fleeing with lap tops. "Short-sighted," said Green. "That's free stuff. Plus rioting is like a good long run. It releases what I call 'riot endorphins.'" Green hoped the U.S. government would dispatch self-absorbed, unruly Americans to Japan. "They could teach those Japanese to loosen up a little." Green thought  Charlie Sheen would be a good choice as well as a large portion of the Wisconsin Teacher's Union. (Image: Snopes)