Sunday, November 30, 2008

Space Shuttle Stops for Snacks and Lotto Tickets

ODESSA, TX - Prior to setting down at Edwards Air Force Base, space shuttle Endeavour made an unscheduled landing. Karen Holden, age 39, reported that the shuttle roared down into a large vacant field near the 7-11 where she works. According to Holden, seven astronauts entered the store and purchased diet Cokes, Gatorade, a fruit pie, pretzels, and two Mega Million lotto tickets as well as a Cash Five. Holden stated she was paid in rolled up balls of aluminum foil that the astronauts claimed was "space money." NASA promised further investigation.

Friday, November 28, 2008

New "Nutcracker" Features Convict Cast

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The People's All-Natural Theatre announced they will be staging The Nutcracker with a cast of recently released, maximum security inmates. "We wanted 'street.' We wanted gritty-now-realism," said director Toby Manning, age 47. Recovering from a stab wound inflicted by the Mouse King, Manning felt his actors' natural menace would bring an edginess to a production in dire need of same. "For years we've put on the same boring fantasy. Now, finally, we've dragged "Nutcracker" into the 21st century." Rehearsals have been suspended, pending the recovery of lights and equipment believed to have been "borrowed" by Herr Drosselmeyer and the Sugar Plum Fairy. 

Ford Unveils Eco-Friendly Junk Car

LOS ANGELES, CA - Auto show goers checked out the latest in green motoring as they inspected the new Ford Heap. While appearing to be a rusted, undriveable wreck, the Heap featured an impressive zero mpg for city driving and zero mpg for highway. "It's not pretty, but we're talking no carbon footprint," said Ford spokesperson Marian Osgood. "Plus there's no battery or tires to clog up landfills." Osgood stated the Heap would be reasonably priced. "You're buying the future of this planet and we're only asking $21,000 plus taxes, license, and fees. That's a deal we can all live with."

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Rosie Live Replaces Waterboarding

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - CIA interrogators have dropped waterboarding in favor of showing terrorist suspects a DVD of the Rosie O'Donnell show.
Rosie Live aired on NBC to scathing reviews, but this prime time program has already yielded intelligence dividends. "I couldn't talk fast enough," said Algerian IED expert Lakhdar Belkacem. "I gave up everybody." Captured in Afghanistan, Belkacem stood up to isolation, sleep deprivation and waterboarding, but cracked during Rosie's banter with Spamalot star Clay Aiken. "So cloying and trite," said Belkacem. "And her singing was like a goat trapped in the rocks." NBC considered cancelling O'Donnell, but sources hint the National Security Agency may underwrite an additional 12 episodes.  

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Astronauts Enjoy Thanksgiving Urine

HOUSTON, TX - High above the earth, the crew of the space shuttle Endeavour have declined freeze-dried turkey, yams, beans and cornbread in favor of piping hot turkey urine. Following recent experiments drinking their own recycled liquid waste, the seven astronauts indicated they would prefer turkey water to solid food. NASA has declined comment other than to say that the astronauts' choice in no way reflects upon the quality of normal space food. "Hey, who knows?" speculated an unnamed NASA source, "This could be the next Tang."

New Poll: Holiday Traffic Stinks

SACRAMENTO, CA - A government study revealed that most Californians dislike being stuck in traffic the day before Thanksgiving. Costing 2.5 million dollars, the four-year study collected data from drivers caught in massive traffic jams or waiting out the snarl at rest stops. In addition, portions of the funding we're used to compare holiday traffic patterns in Las Vegas, Nevada and the Morongo Indian Casino near Palm Springs. Results indicated that holiday drivers stalled in these locations were also displeased, while people conducting government studies weren't.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Castro, Chavez to Tour

HAVANA - Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez share much more than an affection for secret police. Quite by accident, the dictatorial duo discovered a mutual love of whistling. As Castro recalled, "Hugo and I met to denounce the United States. While waiting for the cameras to roll, I started whistling the theme song from Sanford and Son. Well, get-out-of-town, but Hugo jumped right in and didn't miss a beat. His whistle was strong and clear, like a young nightingale. The man has pipes." Billed as The Whistlers Two, the strong men are working up a medley of 70s TV theme songs plus several original works inspired by the Lord of the Rings sound track. The Whistlers Two have already booked a Marriott in Tempe, Arizona and are rumored to be the opening act for the Styx Sailing-Away-Again reunion tour.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Whale Cult Beaches in Bizarre Mass Suicide

TASMANIA - Pilot whales belonging to a controversial cetacean cult, threw themselves on the sand of Anthony's Beach in an eerie but successful quest for group death. Marine biologist Aaron Drury, 46 was saddened. "Think of Jonestown, only with aquatic mammals," said Drury, who had been studying the whales for years. Drury has determined that the whales were members of a strange cult known as Shining Blubber. Led by a charismatic whale called "Blow Hole," the group believed that flying saucers would carry them to a special sea somewhere in outer space provided they all killed themselves. "This is certainly tragic," said Drury. "Now I'll have to go study something else."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Face of Obama Appears in Key Lime Pie

CHICAGO, IL. - A customer at a north side Denny's stated the face of  Barack Obama appeared atop his slice of key lime pie. "I turned away to sip my coffee and when I looked back, there he was, our next president, " said Andy Selak, age 34. 
"I showed the waitress, but she thought I'd drawn on the pie to try and get a free slice. That made me think: 'Should I redistribute the pie to everyone here, including the staff?'" Selak's attempts to share the dessert were rebuffed by other customers and he was asked to sit down. "So I took a photo with my cell phone and ate the pie, except for the part with Barack Obama's head. I left that on the plate both as a sign and a tip."

Friday, November 21, 2008

Webcam Captures Nothing

webcam located in a city park has captured zero scenes of sex, violence, teenage stupidity or animal defecation. Authorities are meeting to consider options.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Aztec Missionaries Preach Sacrifice

SAN DIEGO, CA - Sunlight sparkled off Mission Bay as two young men — Barry and Dean — sweating under heavy ceremonial headdresses, knocked on another door. A plump, middle-aged woman answered.

"Good morning, Ma'am," said Barry, "have you accepted Quetzalcoatl as your personal savior?"

Dean added, "He is creator god, the feathered serpent. Quetzalcoatl has given us everything. Won't you give him your heart?"

Hands tightening around obsidian daggers, the young men awaited an answer. But the woman seemed puzzled, "Are you with the circus?"

Feathers swaying in a light breeze, Barry and Dean masked disappointment with long-suffering smiles. Dean said, "No Ma'am, we're Aztecs. Real Aztecs."

"Not San Diego State Aztecs," added Barry. "Though we converted through a campus outreach program."

Dean continued, "All of us owe a debt to Quetzalcoatl for life and the sun. Won't you give back by giving your heart?"

With a sharp smack, the door shut in their faces. Barry and Dean walked to the curb and sat down. Dean removed his sandals, massaging sore feet. Barry sipped from a flask of corn water. They were tired, but not discouraged.

I guess all we want is to worship in our own way," said Barry. "Plus show others what it means to truly offer yourself to something great."

"We get a lot of bigotry and intolerance," added Dean.

Barry gazed into the distance, toward Sea World across the bay. He almost seemed to be searching for acceptance and understanding in a society that offered none. With a sigh, he said, "There's a price to be paid when your faith differs from that of the many."

Dean laughed, "Wearing these sandals should be sacrifice enough."

Barry gently corrected his friend, "There's only one sacrifice that matters, Dean. And that's a willing heart."

"Bro, I know. Lighten up."

Rising to their feet, they crossed to another house, stepping over a bicycle laying across the front walk. An elderly Asian man in a green cardigan sweater answered, standing behind a screen door.

"Good morning, sir, "said Barry. "Have you accepted Quetzalcoatl as your personal savior?"

"He is the feathered serpent. Maize and cotton and all good things come from him," said Dean. "Won't you give your heart in return?"

Staring from Barry to Dean, the old man gazed at their earnest young faces, filled with sincere concern. "I don't know," he said slowly, in halting English.

"We'll help you," said Barry quietly. "That's why we're here."

"Just say 'yes,'"urged Dean.

"'Yes,'" said Barry.

Dean's hand softly gripped the screen door handle. "'Yes,'" he whispered.

Confused, the old man's head bobbed, "Yes. But I don't understand."

Dean yanked the door open as Barry leaped forward, shoving the old man back into the house. Drawing his dagger, obsidian blade gleaming, Dean dashed inside. From the front yard, one could hear furniture crashing, the tinkle of broken glass, a muffled yell of "9-11," followed by a terrible heart-wrenching scream that seemed to linger for a month.

A moment later, Barry and Dean staggered back outside, panting heavily. Dean had lost his headdress. Barry's arms seemed painted red. Together, they raised a still-beating human heart up to the brilliant sun.

"For your light and warmth," cried Barry.

"We love you, Quetzalcoatl," sobbed Dean.

So at last, on a quiet street, two young men found just enough willingness for them to pray in their own way.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Post Office Dedicates Joy Behar Stamp

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Postal officials announced that The View co-host, Joy Behar, will be honored with a nine-cent postage stamp as part of their salute to annoying Americans.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Beekeeper Cops Keep Watch

HOUSTON, TX - Officers Dale Tobin and Glenn Jarvis tensed as a woman staggered from a bar a block away, waving her arms wildly over her head.

"Could be a 10-104 Alpha," said junior partner Tobin.

"Don't call it in just yet," replied Jarvis. A moment later, his street-savvy hunch played out: the woman was merely dancing, not covered in bees.

"Most nights we don't even get a false alarm," said Jarvis, voice muffled by the heavy bee veil that covered his head like a floppy fencing mask.

"A lot of dead time," agreed Tobin, hands encased in thick goat-skin gloves, resting on the steering wheel, "But we're ready."

Jarvis shifted on the front seat of the squad car that he and Tobin called “Bee Ware.” "Suppose that lady wasn’t dancing,” began Jarvis. “Suppose, instead, she was covered in bees. Then suppose she was robbing that bar and got caught. How's a regular cop gonna handcuff a suspect covered in bees?"

"They can’t," broke in Tobin. "That's where we come in."

Since its formation in 2006, Houston’s bee squad has had only one incident. Tobin recalled, “A suspect had a couple of crickets in his pocket. I’m not sure why. But detectives called us anyway just to be safe.”

“We put the crickets in an envelope,” continued Jarvis. “Then we took the envelope outside and jumped on it.”

“Just to be safe,” added Tobin.

Hours passed. The car radio crackled with reports of auto theft and burglaries and arrests.

But none of them involving bees.

At least not tonight.

From The Wire

  • Pirates of the Caribbean IV to Feature Saudi Supertanker.
  • Florida Woman's Email Scam Dupes Nigerian
  • TARP Bailouts to Include Free Toasters

Monday, November 17, 2008

Loser Jihadi Beheads Himself

KABUL - A video received by NATO forces showed an angry Taliban fighter chopping off his own head. A man identified as Rashid Zahed knelt before a camera and hacked at his neck with a large sword. During the cumbersome, grisly procedure, Zahed shouted, "Infidels beware! You think this bothers me? I'm fine!"

After viewing the tape, UCLA psychologist Gibson Howard
remarked, "I believe Zahed had trouble expressing anger in a healthy way." Intercepted communications supported Howard's theory. Taliban leaders were overheard complaining that Zahed arrived late to attacks, sulked at orders, and never picked up the check at after work events.

What sort of paradise might await such a sullen jihadi? Gibson guessed that, " Zahed will probably blame all 70 virgins for his death, shun their affection, then further alienate them with promises that he'll "forget" making. In other words, he'll be quite happy. "

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Obama to Skateboad, Sing Badly on YouTube

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - New media master Barack Obama plans to continue employing YouTube to connect with young supporters. In addition to uploading his latest address, a Google spokesperson states Obama has filmed several videos in preparation for what may become a White House YouTube channel. Included are:
A rap video of Obama singing policy proposals over quirky camera moves, digital effects, and hot chicks.
Obama constructing a banjo using a container of anti-freeze.
Policy advisers and Obama skateboarding down the ramp of a five-story parking structure, ending with Obama hitting his groin on the bumper of a Ford Explorer while the advisers laugh.
In the meantime, a three-minute pilot video showing future White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel cursing and driving a steak knife into a coffee table already has over 234,000 views.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Airlines Move to Phase Out Passengers

CHICAGO - In order to streamline operations, several major airlines have begun reducing the number of passengers per flight. "It'll speed up service," said United spokesperson Heidi Flynn. "Currently, our 747s are capped at 22 people as we work toward making all flights customer free."

"Think of it as a natural progression," said Continental spokesman Jarrod Hayes. "Reduce service, seat size, food, charge more for luggage, lose the luggage, and arrive and depart when we're good and ready. Soon there won't be any reason to fly, but we're hoping customers keep buying tickets through force of habit."

Flynn was optimistic. "Without people, we should be zipping across country in no time. Of course, passenger ticket sales will continue. But instead of flying, customers will receive chits signifying a symbolic journey. And the cool part is that these chits count toward frequent flier mileage."

Friday, November 14, 2008

World of Warcraft Hit Hard by Economic Downturn

HOWLING FJORD - High above the Great Sea, once the site of fierce battles, Valgarde settlement now sits empty. Stung by plummeting real estate prices, Alliance and Horde forces have returned to Kalimdor, leaving behind foreclosure signs and broken dreams. All across Northrend such depressing sights abound. In Dragonblight, Wyrmrest Temple is boarded up, its five dragon shrines covered in graffiti. "Malygos sucks" and other obscenities have been scrawled across the walls by unemployed furbolgs.

And at Icecrown Citadel, once the objective of a massive invasion, empty Pabst bottles and cigarette butts littered the floor around the Frozen Throne. The rune blade Frostmourne was now used to open cans of chili. And the most powerful entity in all Warcraft picked up a canvas sack full of fliers and shuffled off to work.

"Go where the money is," chuckled the Lich King ruefully. Passing through Angrathar the Wrath Gate, he stepped over used condoms and 9mm shells, plodding southwest toward the fortress of Warsong Hold. "Warsong is the only game left in Northrend," sighed the Lich King, shifting the strap of his canvas sack. The fliers he would pass out were for a goblin real estate firm, specializing in short sales. "Old Hellscream knew how to build a fortress but the goblins had all the brains. They buried their money in the ground and put rocks over it. It used to crack me up. Now I wish I'd done the same."

Crossing the bleak Borean Tundra, the Lich King pondered the recent past. "It all started when they handed out mortgages to the Scourge. I remember saying, 'WTF, they're undead. They don't care if they live in an outhouse over in Naxxramas.' Anywho, when the sub-prime bubble burst, I got burned in a margin call. Next thing you know, the bottom's fallen out of the war and conquest market. I'm lucky I paid down my Citadel. Otherwise, I'd be renting a shack from some lard-ass tuskrr."

Warsong loomed in the distance, drying laundry fluttering from the battlements like ancient flags. The Lich King shook his head. "All you can do is hang on and hope for another war, undead trolls, a plague." He smiled fondly. "You know, the good old days."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Helen Thomas Cast as Evil Witch

HOLLYWOOD - Long-time UPI White House correspondent Helen Thomas will co-star as the cannibal witch in Dimension Films' upcoming production of Hansel and Gretel. Director Chris Abbott said, "Helen nailed the audition. She scared everyone in the room and made us want to sleep with the lights on." Thomas was unavailable for comment but is taking the role seriously, coating the exterior of her home with candy and buying a large black pot.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Prop 8 Protest Foiled by Osmond Music

FULLERTON, CA – Gay activists demonstrating over Proposition 8 were driven from a Mormon temple after church elders played the soundtrack from “Goin’ Coconuts.” This 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond film featured the siblings singing a medley of Hawaiian songs. “We had everything planned,” said activist leader Wayne Perris. “Throwing condoms; “Jesus was a Homo” signs. We ran into the temple and suddenly we’re deafened by “Little Grass Shack.” It was so sappy and wholesome. I felt like I’d been tear gassed.” Perris was uncertain as to how he’d counter the “Coconut Defense.” “Maybe we’ll put wax in our ears or something.” He peered around, then lowered his voice. “I started tapping my foot during “The Love Song of Khalua.” Please don’t tell anyone.”

Monday, November 10, 2008

Japan Apologizes For Being Weird

TOKYO – At a televised press conference today, a Japanese government spokesmen apologized to the world for Japan being “so whacked.” “Think about it,” said Tatsuya Takaichi, “we have underwear in vending machines. I could stop there. But we sell nose stretchers and zoos hold escaped rhino drills. I haven’t even touched game shows like Human Tetris and Silent Library.” Takaichi paused to remove his clothes and change into a Sailor Moon outfit. “It finally dawned on all of us: this country is stinking odd. Aren't I a pretty girl?”

Mafia Adopts Baseline Budgeting

LAS VEGAS – Amid the glitter and flash of Sin City, mob accountants meeting at the Desert Inn announced a new system of tracking illegal gain. According to spokesman Sam “Four Thumbs” Landaccio, the mob will no longer use zero-based budgeting common to most private sector enterprises. Instead, Organization number crunchers have switched over to baseline budgeting. Long used by the federal government to factor in tax increases and spending growth, Landaccio admits that prejudice blinded him for many years.
“I don’t like the feds so much. But this baseline stuff, babam! Pretty neat.”
Landaccio offered this example. “Suppose you ship 40 cartons of untaxed cigarettes every year from Mexico to Los Angeles. One year you ship 50. Cops grab 5 cartons. You deliver 45. In reality, you’ve delivered 5 more cartons. But baseline says deliveries have been “cut” by 5 .”
While Landaccio couldn’t articulate exactly how this would help a criminal operation, he freely admitted that the switch was more psychological.
“It’s a whole system designed to scramble up numbers so anyone looking in can't know squat. What’s not to like? You need a carton of smokes?”

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Whores Demand Federal Bailout

NEW YORK CITY - "Tiffani" wearily peered down a deserted Bronx street, muttering, "A lot of nothing — again." The 29-year-old prostitute hadn't had a trick since the previous evening and wondered how she would support a growing drug habit, a pimp, and the need to update her work wardrobe. "Everyone thinks these Jessica Simpsons last forever," said "Tiffani," referring to her high-heeled ankle boots. "But the seams are splitting and winter's coming on. I need new boots. Where's the damn government?"
Sanchez' concern is being echoed on street corners and in vehicles all across America as the economy tightens and consumers shelve such extras as dining out, movies, and street prostitution. While figures are inexact, illegal sex, also known as "al fresco amor," is said to be hard hit. Insiders believe the corner whore may soon go the way of the corner grocery store unless the government steps in.
"Cars are getting free money, why not us whores?" complained Kansas City prostitute "Anjelica." While still under discussion, an automotive industry bail out seems likely following federal rescues of insurance giant AIG and the banking industry. All "Anjelica" and others like her wonder is when do sex workers see their share?
"Racism, sexism and homophobia play a large part in the government's non-response," says attorney-activist Lisa Goggins-Root. Representing sex workers in Las Vegas, Googins-Root believes the new administration will take a more pro-active stance. "President Obama won't let the industry collapse. You're talking about a ripple effect, impacting drug and condom sales, rip-offs, and clinics treating sexually-transmitted diseases. We've got to prevent street sex from going down."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Biden Aide Leaks Thoughtful Remark

WASHINGTON D.C. - Best known for verbal fumbles, gaffes, and crazy talk,  Democratic vice president elect Joe Biden often uttered quiet, self-aware statements. An anonymous aide to the senator recalled Biden saying, "My helicopter was never forced down in Afghanistan by terrorist gunfire. I guess I wanted to appear braver and more experienced than I am. Kinda silly of me, huh?" Terri Ambrose, spokesman for Senator Biden, denied the charges. "What you see is what you get. This lie is an attempt to smear Joe's colorful personality.  Senator Biden is proud of having been a coal miner, asking a man in a wheelchair to stand up, and referencing FDR's famous televised speech following the 1929 stock market crash. Whoever said this is a jerk."

Friday, November 7, 2008

Stock Market Behaves Like Federal Worker

WALL STREET - In a disturbing trend, the stock market has begun to call in sick, take long lunches, and behave in a surly manner previously unseen on Wall Street. "This is really creepy," said Dan Stover, senior analyst at Miller Tabak & Co. "Take Monday: bell rings at 9:00 and the market doesn't show up until 9:14, muttering something about car trouble. No one believed it. Then it went out for lunch at noon and didn't come back until 2:20. You could smell the beer a mile away. God help you if you ask what's wrong. The market'll drag its feet and go on a slow down that kills any trading momentum."

Experts speculate that large inflows of federal money into the private sector may have triggered the behaviour. "It's like spilling motor oil in a punch bowl," said specialist Lou Escalante. "It can't help but leave a taste."

Dan Stover, however, is worried about a proposed $25 billion bailout of the auto industry. "Who knows what more taxpayer dollars will do?" As if to underscore Stover's point, Bank of America has announced plans to spend the month of January 2009 on the beach in Baja as it must use up a backlog of vacation days.