Republican War on Women Redux at The Conservatory

The kindly folks at The Conservatory have posted an article I wrote back in Feb. 2011 when the phrase "Republican War on Women" was first being beta tested.

Agoraphobia Parade Disappoints Again

Put away the lawn chairs. A sad day for Portland's agoraphobics as chronicled at DuhProgressive.
h/t: The Conservatory

Mark Steyn on Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda fighting the War on American Aircraft

"The face that launched a thousand boat people."
Image: Wikiality

Unions Will Go Door-to-Door and Annoy Voters for Obama

AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka with President Obama prior to playing golf.

ALLENTOWN, PA - With the AFL-CIO prepared to endorse President Obama this Tuesday, labor leaders have announced that union members will go door-to-door and harass anyone who doesn't vote for the President's re-election. Union spokesman Kurt Manlicher of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees stated that the 2012 election is too important to be left to verbal persuasion. "Our union is under attack from lying Republicans who would oppose a lifeguard retiring at age 50 and drawing a pension of $106,000 every year for the rest of his life. What else can you call that but hate?"

According to Manlicher, union members will knock on doors and bother anyone not voting for Barack Obama. Tactics will include over talking, shouting down home owners, chanting slogans, and filming people's angry expressions so they can be spun in the media as proof of anti-union hostility. A spokesman for the Service Employees International Union stated their members will 'slow walk' in front of driveways making people late for work as well camping out on lawns and playing mawkish union songs on a badly-tuned guitar.

Manlicher believes government union workers have an advantage over private sector employees. "Our members can be out all day on union business, drawing full pay and benefits, and no one will even miss half of them. That's what we're fighting for."
Image: New York Times

HBO to Film Derrick Bell Novel

Bell's nuanced book to see cable.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - HBO Films will forge ahead on a project based on controversial Professor Derrick Bell's fact/fiction book, Faces at the Bottom of the Well: The Permanence of Racism. Currently in pre-production, the film will weave together a series of short stories highlighting Bell's theory that racism is a permanent American feature and any belief in a progressive journey to equality is a "sugarcoated myth." Casting has been a closely guarded secret, but there are rumors that Danny Glover has been signed, pending his return from vacation in Cuba. In addition, sources inside the production have stated cameo roles are being written for Reverend Jeremiah Wright and New Black Panther Party President Malik Zulu Shabazz.

The film will combine statistics on white racism with fictional topics such as the selling of a license allowing white people to openly discriminate against blacks. Other tales involve the bombing of a Harvard president's office that kills all the black faculty, and a science fiction story about aliens who promise to solve Mankind's ills in exchange for all black people on earth.

"This is a story crying out to be told," said Producer Steven Harris-Silage. "Naturally, when the late Professor Bell (who died last year at age 80) discussed racism and depicted Jews as selling out African-Americans, he wasn't talking about anybody at HBO. I just know that deep inside." Slated to be called Faces at the Bottom, the film will stay true to the book's tone. "That may hurt some people's feelings," said Harris-Silage, "but we're HBO. We tell it precisely like it is. Just look at Game Change."
Image: Amazon

'Solar Flares' Light Up The Conservatory

The story below is now up at The Conservatory. It is the same in every regard except the sun spot picture is bigger and there's no image of Dennis Kucinich. I don't want anyone feeling gypped.

Massive Solar Flares Cited in Kucinich Defeat

Sun spot releases particle radiation, thought to have affected Tuesday's race.

CLEVELAND, OH - Eight-term congressman Dennis Kucinich lost a primary challenge yesterday, blaming his loss on radiation from an immense sun storm. "We couldn't turn out the base. They were too busy gathering aluminum foil," said the Democratic congressman and two-time presidential candidate. On Sunday and Tuesday, a vast sunspot released X-class solar flares. This resulted in a mass of plasma speeding toward earth and disrupting GPS signals, radio communications, and the thought process of many of the congressman's most ardent supporters. "I'm different, so they're different," said Kucinich, who once lived with New Age maven Shirley MacLaine. "When my constituents hear space plasma is inbound, they foil-up, then line their apartment walls with bubble wrap. It's just a precaution, but it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I hate to say it, but it was the perfect solar storm."

Kucinich still looking for supporters

Kucinich lost 60 - 36 to Democratic Representative Marcy Kaptur as the two progressives battled it out for a single seat, the results of redistricting. With a strong base in Cleveland, Kucinich was believed to have the edge, with a firm lock on the ventriloquist vote. In addition, he could count on the solid support of everyone in northern Ohio who had ever seen a UFO. The man who once proposed a Department of Peace to promote universal love and tolerance—separate from the State Department—seemed assured of victory.

But the universe had other ideas.

Mulling over his future, the 65-year-old politician has mentioned moving to the northwest, specifically Washington. A recent visit there convinced Kucinich that The Evergreen State might well be fertile ground for a political resurrection. According to a 2009 Quinnipiac poll, Washington came in second behind California in the number of registered voters claiming to have seen a UFO. Of those voters, 39% claimed to have spoken to the aliens and learned that every choice they were making in life was the correct one, ordained from beyond the stars. Kucinich was heartened by the data. "Those votes are a tap-in. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll be running for office out of a yurt on the side of Mount Rainier. Stop by and see me. Bring vegan snacks."   
Image: NPR & Washington Post

Turkey Accuses France of Genocide Without Giggling

"I swear by the Dung of the Prophet, the Frenchies did it too."

ANKARA, TURKEY -  Tayyip Erdogan accused France of genocide without cracking a smile or snorting. Observers applauded the control of Turkey's prime minister who was angered over a French political reference to Turkey's 1915 slaughter of Armenians. Said Reuters correspondent Alan Norwood, "Members of the international press expected Erdogan to, at least,  chortle a bit; maybe grin, shrug his shoulders, pretend to sneeze then laugh his ass off in a handkerchief. But instead he tossed out the accusation dry as a sirocco, completely free of all irony, self-awareness, or any hint of mirth."

Almost a hundred years later, Turkey insists the deaths of over a million Armenians was never genocide but  a "scheduling mishap." Additionally, Erdogan added that going forward the Turkish nation was adopting a policy of counter-accusation. "You say 'genocide' and we'll say 'genocide' right back," said the prime minister. "And we'll add 'racism' on top of it. That's two accusations to your one. Turkey will win! Do you hear? We will be the victors in this word war! Unless you don't say anything. Then we'll be quiet too. Except for 'racism.' You think we're ever giving that up?"
Image: e-books-inc

Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il in happier times.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist

Corzine Channels Uncle Billy from 'Wonderful Life'

Like Uncle Billy, Corzine's mind is all a jumble.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former CEO Jon Corzine referenced popular Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life by comparing himself to the character of Uncle Billy. “I made a stupid mistake,” said Corzine, during testimony Thursday before a subcommittee of the House Financial Services Committee. “I had 1.2 billion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and was taking it to deposit when I ran into a crabby old man in a wheelchair. I showed him my paper for a brief moment and, the next thing you know, the money was missing.”

Corzine prepares to tie a string around his finger.

Corzine presided over the bankruptcy of commodities brokerage MF Global and has been unable to identify the ‘crabby old man’ whom he claimed stole 1.2 billion dollars in customer funds. “I’d know him if I saw him again,” said the former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey. “In fact, I’m tying a string around my finger right now to remind me to turn that fellow in the next time he shows up.”

Corzine also attempted to dispel a rumor that every time a bell rings, a Goldman Sachs executive gets caught ripping people off. “That’s simply untrue,” said Corzine. “I’d tell you why but I can’t remember. Oh, my mind is all so muddled.”
 Images: cracked and businessinsider

Occupy LA Demands Their Sceenplays Be Read

Angry demonstrators agitate for deal memos.

 LOS ANGELES, CA - In the wake of eviction from a City Hall encampment, Occupy LA protesters demanded that literary agencies read their screenplays or they [Occupy LA] would begin camping in offices on Sunset Boulevard. "First Amendment rights are swept aside when agents refuse to see our work," said Corky Reyes, chairman of the movement's Entertainment Industry Assembly and author of Psycho Jug Slasher II. "We have a voice and our voice needs to be heard," said Occupier Cora Sampling, co-author of the female comedy, My Best Friend is a Slut Bitch. "And we want executives with decision-making power to read our work; not some low level flunky doing coverage for fifty bucks a script."

Some felt such Occupy tactics were doomed. Said Hollywood Reporter writer Cam Taylor: "Screenwriters have been camping out at agent offices for almost a century and it doesn't work. If there's one thing Hollywood excels at, it's ignoring outsiders."

As if to underscore Taylor's remarks,  there are reports that a group of Occupy LA protesters set up tents inside a West Hollywood office building, outside the suites of the Star Nova Literary Agency. At first, the protesters were greeted warmly by agency employees and informed that Hollywood stood behind them and admired their courage. Coffee and bottled water were made available as well as a rest room key. Their screenplays were collected and the protesters were told that "someone will get back to you."

However, later that day, the protesters set up a drum circle and interrupted negotiations for a three-picture first look deal with Sony that would've netted Star Nova hundreds of thousands of dollars in agent fees. Within minutes, building security brutally ejected the occupiers, throwing them down the stairs and breaking their drums. Outside on the sidewalk the protesters were arrested by the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department for trespassing and theft of a rest room key.
Image: ABC News

Weiner Battles Demons, a Kangeroo

NEW YORK CITY, NY - On leave of absence from congress due to sexual obsessions, Anthony Weiner  (Dem. NY 9) is undergoing an unorthodox treatment centered around aversion therapy and confronting his demons. Sources inside the Brooklyn Center for Psychiatric Wellness would not comment on the record but stated unofficially that Weiner faces severe obstacles. "He's extremely narcissistic," said one source. "Our first task was to get the congressman to stop disrobing and photographing himself." In order to break Weiner of the habit he was dressed in a large clown costume and made to wear boxing gloves. Despite the difficulty involved, Weiner persisted and doctors resorted to aversion therapy, compelling the veteran congressman to fight a kangeroo. "Weiner is very sarcastic," explained the source,"but you can't hurt a kangaroo's feelings. It'll just keep hitting you no matter how cutting your remarks." Badly trounced, Weiner stayed dressed for an entire day.

Encouraged by the progress, doctors then invited him to confront his demons. But results were mixed. Said the source, "The demons are pure spirit so you can't see them, but they'd taunt Weiner and ask him to Twitter Hell. Sometimes they'd loosen screws on chairs so anyone sitting down would fall on his butt. Weiner tried over talking the demons and making snarky remarks about how they were damned and would spend eternity cut off from green jobs. But the demons laughed and rapped on the wall. One of them tried tapping out the drum solo from 'In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.' I only know that because my grandfather once played an Iron Butterfly CD for me."
(Image: Martin Bosque)

Palin Received Email from Nigerian Prince

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sifting through Sarah Palin's emails, delighted reporters at the New York Times announced they'd discovered communication between the former governor and a Nigerian Prince. Said editor Joel Kniep, "This is clearly an illegal act between a sitting governor and a foreign power. By ignoring the State Department and conducting her own foreign policy, Palin may have violated numerous federal laws." Kniep admitted the Times has yet to uncover any response by Palin to the Nigerian, who asked for her bank routing number in order to send her several million dollars. However Kniep was confident, "Where there's smoke there's fire," then added sarcastically, "I wonder if she could see Lagos from her house?" The email sifting is part of an ongoing media enterprise involving readers and volunteer journalists engaged in studying 24,000 of the former Alaska governor's communications released last Friday. "We always ask readers to help us find interesting nuggets in public documents," said Kniep. "So this is just another impartial document search by the press, same as we do to everybody. Besides, the public has a right to know how much Nigerian money Palin received, when she received it, and what portion she donated to right-wing groups such as the NRA or the Church of Satan."
(Image: csmonitor.com)

President Appoints Blue Ribbon Panel to Run Presidency

TOLEDO, OH - Citing the need to devote himself to reelection, President Obama has announced the formation of a blue ribbon panel to run the remainder of his presidency. The President made the surprise announcement while touring a Chrysler factory, stating "there are those who wish me to stay bottled up in Washington until after 2012. To them I say, 'I will run again. I will sign thick complicated laws again. I will be president until 2016 again.'" While details on the panel's composition remain vague, there are indications the board will include former SEIU union boss Andy Stern, radical priest Fr. Michael Pflegler, former White House environmental advisor Van Jones, and Miley Cyrus. The board will have all presidential powers including nuclear codes and pardons. The POTUS Panel will be expected to handle rising unemployment, inflation, the debt ceiling, several wars, and the 2012 March Madness tournament brackets. (Image: decorativepackingingblog.com)

Begala Claims Weiner Photo Part of Big Tent Policy

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Last night CNN political analyst Paul Begala defended Congressman Anthony Weiner, claiming any photo Weiner may have sent represented a Democratic big tent strategy. Said Begala, "I'm thinking it may have been voter outreach on Weiner's part." A former Clinton administration operative, Begala stated Democrats have always been more inclusive. "We welcome everyone to our party, including 21-year-old hotties. Believe me, if I learned anything working for Bill Clinton, it's that maybe we welcome co-ed hotties more than other group on earth."

President Names July in Honor of Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-And-Beaten-With-French-Bread

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having proclaimed June LGBT Pride month, the White House announced the remaining slate of this summer's official months beginning with July's dedication to Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread. Below is a brief passage from a leaked version of the upcoming Presidential Proclamation.

 THE WHITE HOUSE
 Office of the Press Secretary
————————————

For Immediate Release          June 2, 2011 

Men-Who-Liked-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month     July 2011

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
A PROCLAMATION

Forty years have passed since a man who enjoyed being bound with a variety of restraints then struck on the back with long loaves of French Bread was arrested—along with a female companion—in a seedy motel outside Gallup, New Mexico and tried under once-popular cruelty-to-food laws. In the decades since then, Gays, Lesbians, Bi-sexual and Transgendered Americans have advanced in public life while members of the MWLTBTUABWFB community have remained cut off from the main stream, separated by misunderstanding, ignorance, and the obstinacy of bakers' unions.

But today, due in no small part to raising every sexual act, variation and fetish to the level of a civil right, MWLTBTUABWFB members are finally living lives of dignity and pride. Members are participating openly in society  alongside fellow Americans who will be sued, denounced as 'haters' and harassed if they express any opinion other than joyful grinning acceptance. My administration, within the first hundred days, appointed a MWLTBTUABWFB member to the Department of Agriculture as Undersecretary in Charge of Alternative Food Uses Other Than Ethanol.


NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim July 2011 as Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to break the crust of bigotry and reduce discrimination to a few paltry crumbs easily swept up by a unionized janitorial staff.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of July, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.
BARACK OBAMA

August is dedicated to Leather Studded Masks with Gag Balls while September will be Golden Shower Appreciation Month.

Weiner Seeks OJ Help in Locating Phantom Hacker

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following testy remarks to reporters, Congressman Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., announced he is seeking help from O.J. Simpson in locating the unknown person who hacked his Twitter account and sent a photo—allegedly of Weiner's junk—to a 21-year-old co-ed. Said Weiner, "I'm asking for assistance from the one man who has shown the determination to clear his name no matter the cost or time."

Simpson is currently serving 33 years in Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center. Nevertheless, Weiner stated O.J.'s dogged 13-year pursuit of his wife Nicole's killer inspired him to seek counsel from a man who knew what it felt like to have evidence stacked up against him. "It didn't matter," snapped Weiner, "O.J. battled to find the real perpetrator and clear his name right up to the moment they convicted him for robbery and kidnapping."

Weiner layed out his reasoning. "Someone sent a picture of a man's pup tent to this chick I used to follow on Twitter named Gennette Cordova and whom I'm not going to talk about. Probably some creep like Andrew Breitbart. Well, I want this phantom hacker nailed. I want the person who jepordized my marriage nailed. I want the person trying to ruin my political career nailed."

Weiner pointed out that, like any crime victim, he immediately refrained from filing a police report and lawyered up. "This is just common sense. Now I want my good name back and the best way is to privately track down the real perpetrator just like O.J. did for all those years. I'm hoping he has some great tips."
(Image: theyeshivaworld.com)

HHS Exempts All Democrats From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Weary of issuing waivers for service unions and cool nightclubs in liberal districts, the Department of Health and Human Services has decreed a blanket exemption for all Democrats from any provision of President Obama's health care plan. "Our waiver process operates under the assumption that no one who runs a business wants this health care plan hung around their neck," said Kate Benson, spokesmen for HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "So then how do you decide who gets a waiver? We'll if you happen to be an expensive restaurant in Congresswoman Pelosi's district, that's an automatic waiver. Same for any union anywhere. But what of other businesses? How should one decide?" Benson stated that by exempting all Democrats based on DNC donations for the 2012 presidential race, HHS had a clear view of whom to waiver. "Our job is so much easier," said Benson, a satisfied tone in her voice. "Now that all the good people are exempted it leaves only the greedy and selfish. However, if they wish to donate to any of the fine Democratic candidates preparing to run in the next election cycle, then they [businesses] are, by definition, 'good' and would qualify for a waiver. It's sad when people make this process more complicated than it needs to be." 
(Image: podcyprus.com)

White House Transparency Witness Disappears

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An evasive White House witness defending the administration's transparency policy vanished from the midst of a congressional hearing, leaving onlookers stunned. "One minute, he's right there," said House staffer Adam Dantonio. "The next second poof! gone; like a magic act." Security checked the floor and seat where the witness, White House aide Daniel Gordon, had been seated invoking confidentiality in response to congressional questions regarding a presidential transparency order. Said Dantonio, "Security couldn't find any trapdoors or flash palm smell. Then they checked the ceiling for a harness, but that didn't play out." Dantonio and others speculated that Gordon was so slippery he may have slid out quietly without attracting attention. "He [Gordon] was like a snake dipped in baby oil. You couldn't get a grip on him. He might have easily oozed from the room. Is there a comic book character who can turn into a slick liquid? If there isn't, someone should draw one and call it 'Gordon Man.'"
(Image: tribuneindia.com)

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)