Thursday, December 31, 2009

Coach Hospitalized After Gatorade Bath

DULUTH, MN - Following a last-second victory in the Delco Battery Bowl, Mid-Eastern Iowa Coach Gibson Oblast sustained a concussion after his jubilant team dumped a tub of frozen Gatorade onto his head. Played in sub-zero conditions, the closely fought contest between Oblast's Mid-Eastern Iowa Corn Birds and the Southern Kentucky War Bears came down to a 34-yard field goal attempt on the game's final play. After the successful three-pointer lifted the Corn Birds to a 22 - 21 victory, several Mid-Eastern players emptied a Gatorade tub containing a solid block of greenish ice onto Coach Oblast's head. Said Mid-East assistant coach Rod Adelbard, "Our guys got excited and forgot Gatorade freezes when its four degrees out. We're running some drills, asking our young men to focus on fundamentals such as the consistency of liquids at various temperatures. We'll get it done." (Photo:

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Top Ten 2009 Neglected Stories

  1. Biden Motorcade Enters Demolition Derby
  2. Obama Signs Bill with Pen Taped to 4 Iron
  3. New York Times Actually Written by Chinese Prisoners
  4. Polar Bear Decline Linked to Suicide, Rock Music
  5. Russia's Top Export Remains Stupid Brutality
  6. Quarry Reports Marble Shortage from Enshrining Obama Speeches
  7. Countrywide Puppet Show Stars Sen. Dodd
  8. CBS Airs CSI: Hundred Acre Woods
  9. Investigation Continues On Why Perez Hilton is Famous
  10. Japanese Invent Something Sane and Practical

China's Top Ten Oddest New Stories

They're giving the Japanese stiff competition.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Interpol Issued U.S. Hunting License

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As a way of raising money for health care, President Obama cancelled an executive order, now allowing Interpol to hunt U.S. citizens within the United States without fear of constitutional restraint. Before bagging Americans and hauling them off to World Court, Interpol agents must first take an online safety examination and a pre-certification test explaining how much more policing they'll accomplish without legal restraints faced by domestic law enforcement. Finally, Interpol must swear to only pursue "bad" people and those suspected of man-caused disasters. Foreign law enforcement licenses sell for $75, exam included, plus an annual $25 renewal fee. Interpol records will be kept at the Justice Department where they are inviolable. Attorney General Eric Holder stated Americans need not fear Interpol. "If you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. Besides, they'll have a license." (Photo:

Monday, December 28, 2009

TSA Posts New Security Measures on Web

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of the Christmas day terrorist attack aboard a Detroit-bound aircraft, the Transportation Security Administration announced they had already posted updated security measures online. TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett stated, "We caught a lot of grief last time. By pro-actively releasing gate security procedures onto the Internet, passengers and others can see how we plan to to deal with religious nuts wearing explosive-laden underwear. I believe this will preempt negative press." Whiskett warned travelers to arrive at the airport early and expect delays from the new security procedures as well as twin Global Warming Storms, identical to blizzards, blanketing the Midwest and East. (Photo:

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Criminally Insane Ballet Closes Abruptly

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A production of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake performed by street people and the criminally insane was closed by police after a brawl, a stabbing and a fire marred the debut performance. Presented by Toby Manning and the People's All-Natural Theatre, the performance marked the second year in a row that director Manning has been stabbed. "Ballet belongs to the masses," he said from a hospital bed. "Not just those who with fancy tights and dancing lessons and talent." Having received a 70,000 dollar stimulus grant to bring art to the community, Manning cast his production in the Tenderloin and at the Laguna Honda Hospital's criminally insane ward. One anonymous source close to the production stated the ballet was in trouble early on. "The Swan Queen Odette was played a by stripper who went by the stage name 'Fat Wad Toni.' Her choreography was limited to swinging from a pole and puffing on a cigar using her dewlap. Prince Siegfried was portrayed by a violent ex-con who sold his parents into slavery and used the money to buy malt liquor and huaraches. These were not ballet people." On opening night, curtain was delayed while the chorus roamed the audience panhandling. Manning herded most of them backstage, but then a fight broke out between the orchestra and cast members after a drunken Von Rothbart attempted to urinate in a bassoon. By the time Act II arrived, Prince Siegfried felt disrespected by Manning's attempts to prompt him. Violence erupted when Manning whispered for Siegfried to stay at the lake with Odette and stop hitting on members of the Swan Court. Siegfried slashed the director with a homemade knife made from paper clips and a rolled-up copy of the libretto. As paramedics worked on Manning, members of the hunting party and Odile cooked up a can of Sterno and set the backdrop ablaze. Police and fire units arrived, making dozens of arrests for assault, arson, parole violation, and smoking cigarettes outside without guilt. (Photo:

Saturday, December 26, 2009

PBS 'Fudge Factor' Teaches Kids Science Fakery

ARLINGTON, VA - PBS announced a January 2010 premiere for Fudge Factor, a new program aimed at teaching preschoolers how to fake science data to support global warming. Created in association with the East Anglia Climate Research Unit, the program aims to instruct kids in crafting bogus computer models that will trick people into believing the immanent arrival of environmental doom. "Youngsters are naturally creative," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "By using imagination we're building fun into fakery and, hopefully, grooming a new generation of climate scientists." Guiding children on their educational journey is the character of Happy Goodpine. "We didn't want kids to fear the planet, so we came up with Happy. He's sort of the spirit of environmentalism and love of earth all rolled into one." Played by actor Gym Wenger, Happy capers about in a big pine costume, speaking in a high-pitched falsetto. Logan-Taylor points out that "he's the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, if you follow me." Providing a break from making 2 + 2 = 117, Happy leads little learners in games and activities that revolve around worship and adoration of Gaia. "We have a 28-foot marble effigy of the mother goddess giving birth to Uranus," added Logan-Taylor. "But kids complained about prostrating themselves before the deity because the floor was cold. Then Happy thought of having youngsters remove all clothing and jump over a campfire screaming praises to Gaia, Earth-Mother, All-Good. That seemed to solve the chill problem. We're asking parents at home to supervise their kids should they wish to pass naked through flame in adoration of Gaia. It's a safety issue." (Photo:

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Christmas Message from the Editorial Staff

From Ling Carter:

There's a growth on my back. I don't know what it is. It doesn't hurt, but it makes a bird-like chirping sound whenever I press it. Anyway, watch your backs—literally. Stuff can grow there. Oh, and Marie Kwabler wants to say something. I'm surprised she could tear herself away from self-pity, resentment and supermarket wine long enough to type something indecipherable that I'll be editing for hours.

From Marie Kwabler:

A marvelous magical holiday to all! Oh, Ling, dear Ling, if it weren't for this blog, cigarette ash and mumbling there'd be nothing to mark your passage through life. May 2010 bring our readers laughter, opportunity and good fortune. And, Ling, may the new year bring you the peace and contentment usually reserved for people less sullen and heavily armed.

Ling & Marie:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Olympic Torch Burns Down Diner

ST. THOMAS, CANADA - While stopping to use a diner restroom, a runner carrying the Olympic Torch accidentally ignited a grease trap, resulting in a blaze that destroyed the Cup and Saucer Coffee Shop. Said a witness, "Some of the cooks wanted their picture taken with the torch, so the runner went into the kitchen but slipped on a pool of mop water. The torch hit the grease and the coffee shop burned blacker than their toast." En route to Vancouver for the 2010 Winter Olympics, runners carrying the torch have accidentally destroyed four business structures and a petting zoo. "I blame restroom breaks," said a runner who asked not to be named. "It's really tough to do your business holding a big bloody torch. Try it some time." (Photo:

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Doctors Warn of Second-Hand Tanning

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A study conducted by the American Academy of Dermatology has discovered that people in close proximity to well-tanned Americans are in danger of contracting skin cancer. "We're calling it the 'second-hand tanning' effect," said Dr. Christopher Parse, academy spokesperson. "For some complicated medical reason, melanoma will jump from individuals using tanning beds to the untanned in a heart beat. It's a fact." Dr. Parse was quick to point out that the AAD's research had nothing to do with congressional proposals to raise money for healthcare by taxing plastic surgery. "We only care about the science and innocent lives and the children," said Dr. Parse. "In that regard, we're no different from congress." (Photo:

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Saab Closure Hurts Bumper Sticker Industry

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - GM's decision to shut Swedish subsidiary Saab will severely effect the progressive bumper sticker industry. Said Jesse Clunder-Torman of Forward Thinking Bumper Stickers, "Saabs were big favorites among college professors, government workers, mid-level Hollywood execs, the U.S. State Department and other professional activists. These were people who wouldn't back out of a drive-way without a fender full of liberal slogans. On average, a Saab displayed 3 to 4 more bumper stickers than a VW or Yugo." Clunder-Torman smiled, recalling the days when 'Tax Wealth, Not Work,' and 'Sorry We Can't Provide Universal Healthcare but Iraq Ate Our Budget' were mailed out by the gross. "There's still Volvos and the Prius, but Saabs were the Cadillac of activism. They said to everyone, 'I Care More Than You.' And they had the bumper stickers to back it up." Rumors have surfaced that GM is working on a domestic version of the former East German Trabant. "One can only dream," sighed Clunder-Torman. "And I dream of a better tomorrow that waits for me so we may dream as one. Hey, I think I'll make that into a bumper sticker." (Photo:

Monday, December 21, 2009

Fruitcakes Figure in Holiday Homicides

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Police arrested a man for bludgeoning his roommate to death with a fruitcake, the latest in a string of murders featuring the popular holiday confection. "A regular fruitcake weighs about two pounds," said Philadelphia Detective Sgt. Tom Amato. "If you leave it in the decorative tin, you've got a neat tool for bashing in a skull, especially if you're drunk. Afterwards, you can eat the evidence or regift." Activists have decried the nation-wide outbreak of fruitcake killings, also known as 'fruitings,' and called for laws advocating reasonable fruitcake control. "No one wants to take anyone's fruitcake away from them," said Sylvia Hollis of The Foundation for Sane Fruitcake Ownership. "All we're asking is that anyone buying a fruitcake swear they won't use it in the commission of a felony." Fruitings have spread to Mexico and Amato stated fruitcakes are becoming the weapon of choice for Cartel killers. "Down there, they'll crush your head, then tie fruitcakes around your ankles and drop you into the Gulf of California. You'll sink like a truck axle." Hollis believes the fruitcake lobby's regulatory opposition is to blame for the outbreak of fruitings. "They have walnuts on their hands. Unlike [the fruitcake lobby] we want a better world for our children. But only our children. Adults are on their own." (Photo:

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Predator Drone Shows Reruns

BAGRAM AIR BASE, AFGHANISTAN - An MQ-1 predator drone has been grounded after the system began airing reruns of past strikes. An anonymous source reported Air Force controllers alerted superiors that the terrain and targets appearing on the drone's cameras were from missions conducted three months prior. "We're not sure why this is happening," said the source. "Intelligence says its not Iranian hacking, so WTF, you know?" Air Force technicians are investigating the glitch in conjunction with tests run by manufacturer General Atomics Aerenautical Systems. However, in an ominous sign, unconfirmed reports have surfaced that a CIA drone recently aired an old episode of That 70s Show, while another drone played back the 1987 Preakness, won by Alysheba. (Photo:

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Clown-Bear Fights Stage Holiday Comeback

MEDFORD, OR - For the first time in 15 years, clown-bear fights are back, pitting grease-painted funny men against starving Kodiak bears. Banned for many years by Clown Rights Activists, a recent court case overturned an injunction, allowing the return of this holiday staple. "My dad always took us kids to clown-bear fights," said Eric Derking, a Medford mechanic. "I still recall the first time I saw clowns ramming a bear in a little car. Then the bear tore off the door, pulled out about seven clowns and killed them all. My sister and I talked about it for months. She still has dreams." Medford Parks and Recreation Department reported a full card of clown-bear combat is slated for Wed. Dec. 23 at the Santo Community Center. "We're bringing in plenty of sawdust to soak up all the blood and seltzer water," said Parks spokesperson Michelle Hogan. "Also, the Red Cross has put out a call for blood donors, especially AB - and B +." Hogan dismissed PETA criticism that bears were mistreated in the past. "At the last one, back in '94, this clown got off a great shot with one of those guns where the flag comes out and says 'Bang.' He nailed a bear in the eye and blinded it. Then four other clowns set the bear on fire with blow torches—which they weren't supposed to have. This flaming Kodiak crashed through a window, ran into the street and got crunched by a Peterbilt hauling sofa beds. So it was over quick." Eric Derking will bring his children. "Fathers love exposing kids to special events from their youth. And in Medford, nothing says 'Happy Holidays' like a bear with a pie mashed in its face biting a clown in the head. I still have dreams." (Photo: mystockvoice...&

Friday, December 18, 2009

Japanese Man Weds Virtual Bride, No One Stunned

TOKYO, JAPAN - A man calling himself Sal9000 has wed a virtual woman, surprising no one. Neil Wells of AP called the story a yawner. "A Japanese guy hooking up with a virtual woman is like reporting seawater salty. What else is new?" Nene Anegasaki, the virtual wife, is from a Nintendo dating simulation game called Love Plus, though Sal9000 married her in a real ceremony. "Typical these days," said Japanese Shinto priest Ito Atsugi. "At least this fellow [Sal9000] married a computer woman. Last week I married two men to Pokemon characters and one man to a golf glove." Sal9000 wandered Tokyo with his new bride, ending up at a karaoke bar where they raised no eyebrows performing a duet on 'Neutron Dance.' "This is quite common," said karaoke bar owner, Akhiro Sato. "A man came in last week married to a paperback copy of Infinite Jest. He bought the book a beer, then left it on the bar to chat up a woman on television. I don't know a lot about these things, but I think the book was upset." (Photo:

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Danish Police Use Green Nightsticks in COP15 Clashes

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - As demonstrations continued at COP15, Danish police used green law enforcement tools including organic nightsticks and spray irritants made from natural fluids. Said police spokesperson Nidhug Filtenborg, "There has been violence, yes. People have been struck, yes. But our [Danish police] tools are the tools of a clean planet." Filtenborg pointed out that Danish riot police wield sustainable nightsticks, shorter than a standard nightstick, and made from a type of hardened flax. "After hitting demonstrators 20 to 30 times, the nightsticks are recycled into linen cloth or for linseed oil extract." In addition, Filtenborg stated crowd irritants such as pepper spray are really a potent form of oolong tea. "This tea, yes? It's oolong, but it has been left inside a public restroom for several weeks. It is quite annoying and makes the eyes different." In what Filtenborg describes as a law enforcement break-through, Danish tear gas is a condensed steam extracted from the clothing of obese people returning from the tropics. "Good day and good luck getting a whiff of that," said Filtenborg. "But it's all natural and that makes everything proper and correct." (Photo: BBC)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Universal Opens Mexican Drug Tunnel Ride

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - Now families can experience the thrill of smuggling narcotics into the United States as Universal Studios unveiled their new Under the Border Mexican drug tunnel attraction. Riders sit in little hand-made wooden cars as they plunge 20 feet below ground, zipping past hot plates, drying clothes and statues of the Virgin Mary. Then riders descend 90 feet below ground in a stomach-churning drop, rattling past glow sticks and sandbags before gradually climbing to the attraction's end: a warehouse in North Hollywood. Riders must then make their own way back to Universal City, though bus and street maps are provided with theme park admission. So far, public reaction has been mixed. "It really stunk down there," said Scott Mondrian. "But maybe real drug tunnels stink." Maria Lopez liked the ride, but didn't care for the 2 mile walk back to Universal. "My mom is kind of old, so it wasn't very cool. Plus there are all these homeless hitting you up for change. At first, we thought it was part of the attraction, but then one of them threw up some grapes." (Photo:

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Today in Global Warming History

  • These events critical to the future of the planet took place on December 15:
  • 1811 - Massive earthquake strikes New Madrid, Missouri as the result of cow and chicken droppings that aided global warming, causing Gaia to retaliate.
  • 1939 - Gone With the Wind premiers. Smoke from the burning of Atlanta directly contributed to anthropogenic global warming.
  • 1954 - Fordham University drops football after it is learned that all team sports except soccer contribute to global warming.
  • 1964 - Canada adopts Maple Leaf flag, replacing old emblem of drowned polar bears, bobbing dead in an iceless sea.
  • 1973 - Pirates of the Caribbean ride opens at Disneyland without offsetting its carbon footprint.
  • 1990 - Rock star Rod Stewart marries super model Rachel Hunter in a ceremony that featured fireworks which subsequently destroyed the ozone layer.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Klezmer Hero Holiday Hit

SHERMAN OAKS, CA - Stores can't keep it stocked as consumers gobble up 2009 surprise hit, Klezmer Hero. This rhythm-based, music video game features instrument-shaped peripherals used to simulate playing Yiddish folk music . "Everyone wants the little clarinet," laughed Sherman Oaks Galleria store manager, Tom Oliver. Oliver's game shop, Byte Me, has seen a run on Klezmer, which operates on Playstation 2, Wii, and XBox 360. "I thought we'd sell a few for Hanukkah, but this is nuts."Based on the popular RedOctane/Activision Guitar Hero, Klezmer Hero features clarinet, violin, and accordion peripherals. Gamers match scrolling notes to buttons on the peripherals in order to play along and score points. Oliver speculates that while the music is uptempo klezmer, many of the songs are popular folk ballads such as "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" "Kids have probably heard these [songs] played somewhere, so there's recognition built in." Other tunes include "Sloop John B." and "Tijuana Jail" as well as a medley from Les Miserables. Developed by CyberSoft, published and distributed by Novacon/Deepgnome, Klezmer Hero retails for $99.78 but, oddly enough, lacks a web presence and may only be purchased in stores. Oliver offered this advice: "To be honest, most game store managers, me included, put a couple of hot games aside for friends. If customers really want Klezmer Hero, they need to be aggressive. When the manager says, 'Sorry, all out,' or 'We don't carry it,' or 'Never heard of it,' they should call him a 'filthy liar.' That way, he'll be shamed and give up his private stash. That's how this business rolls." (Photo:

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gitmo Terrorists Object to Illinois Move

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - Terrorist detainees at Guantanamo Bay have objected to Justice Department plans to relocate them to Thomson, Illinois. "They are too corrupt in Illinois," said Bakir Ali, captured in Afghanistan. "We would not feel safe in such a dirty political environment." Other terrorists compare the balmy Cuban weather to Illinois' severe winters. Ali agreed, "How are you supposed to go outside and exercise in cold and snow? Besides, we would need winter outfits, something that matches basic orange." While Ali disparaged the Cubs and their century of baseball futility, he expressed interest in seeing a game. "Perhaps there will be day trips to the ball game? That would be a splendid opportunity to witness a major league contest, enjoy a soft drink, and kill infidels when we go to the washroom." (Photo:

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Anthropogenic Accordion Music Threatens Planet

BELOIT, WI - Inspired by the UN Climate Summit, one accordion player is pumped up over playing green. "I need to do my part and help the Earth by performing smarter, more energy efficient songs," said musician Andy "Stosh" Czarninski. Czarninski has vowed to avoid up tempo ditties such as 'Flight of the Bumblebee' or Klezmer music, instead concentrating on sustainable tunes such as John Lennon's 'Give Peace a Chance.' "After a point, its the same notes over and over forever. That's efficient and sustainable if you can stay awake." Czarninski, who plays a Hohner 460 Polkamaster with Tyrolean shoulder straps, suggests fellow accordion players keep their instruments in tune by checking metal coil springs and rubber membrane contacts. "And don't forget the bellows. Make sure there's no leaks. That way the reeds will respond better to pressure changes. That's how we can play sustainable songs and save the world. Anyone says different is an accordion denier." (

Friday, December 11, 2009

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo:

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Terrorists Vow Not to Read TSA Manual

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Al Qaeda has vowed not to read a security procedures manual accidentally posted online by the Transportation Security Administration. The standard operating procedures document lists details of airport security, including the smallest wires not detected by screening machines, what items are never checked, and short-cuts the TSA takes when there are large crowds. "This could happen to anyone," said terrorist spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "Computers are so darn tricky. I have to ask my kid everything. My son, that is. My daughter I blinded with acid for reading Nancy Drew." TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett expressed appreciation to Al Qaeda. "A bunch of real gentlemen. Let's face it, anyone could do a half-assed job redacting sensitive information before releasing it on the Web." Whiskett blamed the problem on a lack of TSA unionization. "Everyone knows how much smoother and efficient work goes when performed by union employees who can never be fired. Imagine if the United Auto Workers ran airport security, for Pete's sake. Once we get that, TSA will run like water flowing crisply downhill to a nice mill." (Photo:

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Mummies Face Bleak Christmas

NEW YORK CITY, NY - As Yuletide cheer rings out across the Big Apple, mummies at the Museum of Natural History prepare for another lonely holiday season. "Christmas sucks," said 'Seth,' a mummy who preferred not to give his real name. "I'm single, no family, dead for over 5,000 years. I'll probably shamble around here and strangle a security guard." Many mummies feel alienated because their unique observances are ignored by a wider society. "This lack of religious inclusion clearly causes alienation and resentment," said University of Minnesota psychologist Kane Gershmeir. "Where's the public displays honoring Horus or Osiris? Where can young children go for a ceremonial body wrap by an adult dressed as Anubis, god of embalming and the dead? Is it any wonder mummies strangle people and blow sand out their mouths?" 'Seth' could care less about ancient Egyptian gods. "I'm beyond all that. Maybe I'll break into a house, find a pretty girl, wait for her to faint, than carry her around. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Or sit in a movie with all the Jews. Whatever." (Photo: practicalityofobjectiv...)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Brie Shortage Mars UN Climate Change Summit

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK - Danish Minister Connie Hedegaard's speech on global unity in the face of climate change was disrupted when the brie ran out at the Climate Change Buffet, leading delegates to murmur and grumble. "They murmured very loudly," said Hedegaard, Danish Minister for Climate and Energy. "I had a microphone and I could still hear the murmuring, and the grumbling as well." In addition to brie shortages, delegates reported the risotto contained leeks and shitake mushrooms, but no truffles as advertised. "Our we to down grade the world's economy on an empty stomach?" asked UN climate chief Yvo de Boer. Culinary snafus led several delegations to leave Bella Center and fly their private jets to France for lunch. "All the braised lamb shanks were eaten by NGOs," said Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "Those who believe most deeply in climate change should not be the ones starving. It isn't fair." (Photo:

Monday, December 7, 2009

Big Oil Gifts Global Warming Sceptics

LONDON, UK - Hackers have broken into the data bank of the International Association of Oil and Gas Producers (OGP) and stolen hundreds of emails listing goods and services awarded to scientists for debunking global warming. Spilled on the web, these documents reveal a decade-long pattern of oil companies plying scientists and scholars with very unusual, but expensive, gifts in return for publishing misleading reports on catastrophic climate change. In no particular order, here are several recipients and their prizes:
  • Physicist Freeman Dyson: Free gas from any gas station anywhere in the world for 60 years (includes selection of snacks and cold drinks; not transferable)
  • Scientist Bjorn Lomborg: A diamond-studded windbreaker with Shell Oil logo.
  • Myron Ebell: 700 gallons of Sae 30 Chevron motor oil (plus funnel and crankcase drain pan.)
  • Nobel Prize Winner Ivar Giaever:  A sack of emeralds and a ConocoPhillips ball cap.
  • Professor Ian Plimer: A solid gold commuter mug with Exxon logo and spill-resistant closeable lid.
  • Scientist Kiminori Itoh: oil women (not sure what this means.)  (Photo:

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Best Foreign Novel: The Woman With Baguette Hair

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Belgian author Florian Wouters received the Manhattan Publishers 2009 Best Foreign Novel Award for his generational saga The Woman With Baguette Hair. Set in Antwerp during the 1930s, the story focuses on a woman whose hair consists of long, very crisp bread. She has affairs, drinks, questions religious authority, and hangs out with artists who paint her unique portrait in return for jam. Later, she gives birth to a daughter whose hair consists of crescent rolls. In an interview with Bread Quarterly, Wouters stated the woman's hair was a metaphor for "something like fate only better" and that the character of Pers was based on either Pope Leo XII or John Madden. Wouters previous work has consisted of Belgian Wanted Posters and print ads for volleyball equipment. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan stated "Woman" will be mandatory reading in all university English classes due to nihilism and incomprehensible themes. Wouters is married to multiple women, with wives in most NATO countries. Photo:

Saturday, December 5, 2009

'Avatar' Talky, Lacks CGI Action Scenes

HOLLYWOOD, CA - A sneak peak at James Cameron's Avatar revealed a film long on esoteric dialogue and short on action set-pieces. The sci-fi epic tells the tale of veteran Jake Sully, a paraplegic on an alien world, who lives through an artificial avatar. Despite a setup rich with promise, the film sinks into a series of obscure discussions on the nature of avatars and whether Vishnu's descendants had more an impact on humanity than those of Shiva and Ganesha. At one point, Jake encounters a race of blue aliens who also turn out to be Hindu. They are devotees of the divine aspects of Krishna and keep trying to sell Jake colorful religious picture books printed on good quality paper. When an invading force attacks, there is a huge off-screen battle with deafening sound-effects as Jake and the blue aliens quarrel over the Guna avatars and their relation to the three modes of nature. This film will appeal to Vedic scholars and Microsoft customer support. Everyone else should rent the first Terminator. (Photo: jpg -

Friday, December 4, 2009

Security Guard Pans Men in Black II on Netflix

LOS ANGELES, CA - Arturo Sanchez, an employee of Elite Security, has given Men in Black II a one star rating on Netflix. "I liked the first movie, that's why I got this one. But it turned out to be stupid." Sanchez, currently working midnights at a construction site on Olympic Boulevard, often brings Netflix films to work and plays them on the company laptop. "For what they pay me, they're lucky I show up." Over the past several weeks, Sanchez has given a three star rating to Underworld: Rise of the Lycans which he felt was 'okay' and four stars to Night at the Museum. "At first, I thought ['Night'] was stupid. But it ended up okay." Sanchez is looking forward to viewing Jackie Chan's The Accidental Spy and Donnie Brasco. "I hope they're not stupid. Otherwise, I'm giving 'em one star and leaving a booger on the back of the DVD. I don't care." (Photo: telematicsnews..)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Potter/New Moon Fans Brawl in Mexico

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Angered over the success of the 'Twilight' sequel, dozens of Harry Potter fans baited 'New Moon' fans outside a Brentwood theater, resulting in a brawl that left over 30 people injured. In addition to belittling each others fandom, the parties exchanged threats involving magic, vampiric powers and lycanthropy. After police arrived, the two sides adjourned, only to meet up later that night in a deserted junkyard outside Tijuana, engaging in a savage, free-for-all that left 24 persons hospitalized with injuries ranging from neck bites to wands wedged into various body openings. "They were like devils," said Police Captain Jose Delgado. "We had to smother them in fire retardant foam before they would stop." An additional 9 injuries occurred when combatants fleeing police attempted to leap like wolves over tall fences or transport themselves far away by jumping into oil cans they called 'port keys.' "I hate 'New Moon,'" said an anonymous Potter fan who missed the fight because his parents made him clean up the TV room. "If I'd been there, I'd have used the cruciatus curse, even though I know its wrong." 'New Moon' fans were equally vehement. "Those Potter punks are so lucky I had to drive my brother to soccer practice," said an unnamed fan of the vampire series. "I'd have bitten them and made them undead, then, ignored them for all eternity." (Photo:

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Polanski Bullied in Swiss Prison, Forced to Build Clock

BERNE, SWITZERLAND - Reports have surfaced that imprisoned rapist Roman Polanski has been harassed by other prisoners who have forced him to build an intricate cuckoo clock. "Swiss prison is a tough place," said guard Gustav Hundhosen. "Polanski is perceived as weak, and so must construct amusing time pieces for the stronger prisoners." The noted film director had been assigned a workshop job making pocket knives for the military when he ran afoul of a several convicts. Polanski refused to direct their crude reenactment of Thorton Wilder's Our Town. Hundhosen stated, "For his refusal, Polanski must build a clock that features a maiden, a hag and an ogre all fighting over who will strike the hourly chime. And he will be required to get it correct in every detail or face the consequences, which will include shame and having his chocolate ration gobbled up." (Photo:

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Leaked Emails Cast Doubt on Phrenology

BRISTOL, UK - A website has posted a series of emails hacked from the British Institute of Phrenology, calling into question the wide-spread assertion that the pseudo-science of phrenology is settled. Emails between the institute's Dr. Gideon Hale and Stanford phrenology professor Adler Monkston reveal a growing bewilderment between the two scientists that the data does not fit the theory. In one 2007 post, Professor Hale states: "None of our human head computer models shows any confirmation that personality is determined by skull shape. And yet we know this to be true." In reply, Professor Monkston suggested altering the computer model to reflect current theory, rigging peer review to exclude documents that discredit global phrenology, and "just getting on with our work as if nothing bad were happening." How these emails will effect the upcoming United Nations Conference on Global Phrenology is uncertain, however supporters of the pseudo-science stand firm in their beliefs. President Obama's Phrenology Czar, Dr. Dennis Luchan, has strongly endorsed the work of Hale and Monkston, going so far as to state that "disbelief in phrenology is the equivalent of denying the four humors." (Photo: Wickipedia)

Monday, November 30, 2009

Unemployment Drops After Jobless Renamed 'Leisure Americans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At his upcoming Jobs Summit, President Obama will announce a major fall in unemployment from 10.2 to 1 percent, brought about by renaming the jobless 'Leisure Americans.' "This is a huge step forward in solving the unemployment crisis," said White House spokesperson Miller Allen. "By shaping language to make it appear people have voluntarily left work so as to devote more time to personal activities, the President has met the challenge head-on." Miller also boasted that the homeless problem has been eradicated following an executive order by the president abolishing urban outdoor sleeping. "Boom. Gone. I wonder why no one thought of this before?" In related news, the State Department has renamed 10 new Iranian enrichment plants as 'tanning salons.' (Photo:

Friday, November 27, 2009

Adam Lambert Guest Stars on Sesame Street

NEW YORK CITY, NY - American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert caused a sensation with his bawdy performance on a recent episode of Sesame Street, leading to thousands of parental complaints. During Murray's Word on the Street segment the gay glam rocker refused to interact and, instead, shoved Murray's face into his crotch. Later, Lambert dry humped Bert and Ernie, planted a full facial kiss on the Count, and attempted to press amyl nitrite and a hotel key into the hand of the Cookie Monster. Adam Lambert was defiant. "I'm a gay man and a gay entertainer. Anyone who doesn't like what I do is homophobic." The popular PBS educational program admitted they made a terrible mistake in casting Lambert. "We thought he'd have fun with the Muppets and sing a cute song," said a PBS spokesperson who requested anonymity. "But this was real seedy." (Photo: &

Thursday, November 26, 2009

White House Turkey Leaves Behind Family, Dreams

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At an undisclosed facility, the turkey chosen for dinner by President Obama spent its last hours with family and friends. At midnight Eastern Time, the turkey had all its feathers pulled off before being led down a long hall to a room where it was strapped to a gurney. With barnyard sounds being piped in, an IV line was inserted into a wing. As witnesses looked on, the turkey received an injection of a powerful barbiturate before a Secret Service Agent with an ax chopped of its head, leaving the turkey flopping lifelessly on the gurney. A doctor pronounced the turkey dead, before consigning it to portly men in tall white chef hats. According to farmers familiar with the bird, it seemed destined for fowl greatness, with a mindless attitude and a wattle second to none. Whatever dreams it once had are now as still as its big-wattled head. Later today, the carcass will be cooked, prepared and served as Thanksgiving dinner to the First Family. Dine well, Mr. President. And when you reach the wishbone, don't wish for the passage of government-run healthcare. WISH FOR A HEART!! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. (Photo:

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Darwin Took Ideas from 'Evolution for Imbeciles'

LONDON, UK - New evidence has surfaced that Charles Darwin stole his idea on natural selection from an 1858 book entitled Evolution for Imbeciles. Researchers at the University of Sussex have uncovered correspondence between Darwin and 'Imbeciles' author Mayhew Tibbs. In the letters, Darwin admitted to having no clue how life progressed: "It's all so frightfully complicated. Did I tell you? I shot a turtle down in the Galapagos with a small cannon. The beggar exploded like crockery." Tibbs suggested Darwin say life evolved through luck and family connections, much like Tibbs himself. However, Darwin, under pressure to publish something, poached Tibbs' theory of natural selection and printed On the Origin of Species. He then had Tibbs framed for fondling a carriage, a serious crime back then. By the time Tibbs emerged from prison, Darwin had published a second edition of 'Orgin' and left him a note: "One day, they'll invent something called a 'telephone.' When they do, don't call me." Tibbs moved to Scotland, where he constructed a small gallows which he used to execute mice after an brief trial, much to the amusement of children and the approval of local adults. In his later years, Darwin grew remorseful. In a letter to H.G. Wells, the scientist wrote, "What a cad I am! For a theory, I totally destroyed Tibbs. I should feel miserable, if I weren't so keen to give eugenics a go. Send me any spare Irish you may have lying around the house." (Photo:

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Newsweek Merges with Highlights For Children

COLUMBUS, OH - As part of a market expansion, The Washington Post Company has purchased Highlights for Children. Said Post Company spokesperson Lillian St. Francis, "We're blending the style and layout of Highlights with the impartial journalistic insight of Newsweek." St. Francis said the new publication, Newsweek Highlights, would feature fun, fact-filled pages designed to keep the old readership while reaching out to attract busy children. Editor-in-Chief Evan Thomas is reportedly working on the new layout. "We're delighted with Evan's measured approach," said St. Francis. For instance, Goofus and Gallant will teach social skills by showing George W. Bush and Barack Obama performing the same action two different ways. Headwork features simple questions for kids written by Eleanor Clift, including such teasers as: 'Is Sarah Palin evil or stupid and evil?' And, of course, the back page of every issue will showcase What's Wrong? with readers searching a picture of children at play for objects that don't fit such as free enterprise, low taxes, or signs critical of President Obama. (Photos: & samuelatgilgal...)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hadron Collider Ready For Next Glitch

SWITZERLAND - Back in operation after a year of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider is ready to begin breaking down again. According to Director Gustav Hertzel of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, "The collider is a complicated machine that operates in a 17-mile long tunnel at a temperature of 271 degrees below zero Celisus. At an energy of 14 trillion electron volts, it generates almost a billion collisions per second between protons. I have no idea what any of that means, but it is very difficult to maintain and breaks down a lot." Hertzel frankly admitted the experimental potential of the LHC, and its ultimate value to science, was overstated. "This device was specifically designed to break down. Then it was designed to be fixed by people working lots of overtime and weekends at double time. One of them is my brother-in-law. Another is a cousin. Then there are the scientists, waiting for the LHC to operate correctly. Hapless fools. They should've learned to fix LHC's." (Photo:

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Women, Weak Men Drawn to 'New Moon'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Breaking box office records on Friday, Twilight sequel New Moon continued to pack movie houses with an audience composed primarily of women and non assertive men. The vampire romance, starring Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart, has conducted extensive audience tracking revealing a high proportion of male weaklings. "We're seeing a lot of guys who've never asked for a raise," said theater owner Casey Gilmore, a former paratrooper. "Guys who are guilt-tripped into helping someone move every weekend." According to audience statistics, 17 percent of New Moon male attendees were regular men hoping to win girlfriend points. An additional 4 percent were gay or metrosexual, distinguished from weak men by Banana Republic clothing. The remaining 79 percent of men watched the film because they were manipulated, bullied, or simply suffered from general weakness and ended up at New Moon the way water seeks its own level. "I like weakies," said Gilmore. "You can tell 'em to clean up the theater afterwards and they will. That leaves more time for our regular employees to steal." (Photo:

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cthulhu Favors Public Option

R'LYEH, PACIFIC OCEAN - Great Old One Cthulhu leans toward a public option in the ongoing healthcare debate. "Though in no way human, I believe it's a basic human right for people to have good-quality, medical coverage." Pausing to crush a small vessel filled with screaming sailors, the colossal entity continued, "And to make that happen, you need a large entity like the government to wade in. Of course, there will be many new taxes, plus rationing to hold down costs." Cthulhu paused, staring off into the distance, sending out thought waves that would drive artists and sensitive folk mad on a half-dozen continents. "But that's the price a civilized nation pays for universal care." Leaning back against the wall of a strange, titanic temple constructed using non-Euclidean geometry, Cthulhu tugged thoughtfully at his facial tentacles. "But without getting all high and mighty, the healthcare argument doesn't really interest me. Once the stars align and we [Great Old Ones] return to rule earth, we're gonna crush everything and eat everybody, so get the government involved...or not. I roll either way." (Photo:

Friday, November 20, 2009

Oprah Ends Talk Show, Starts New Talk Show

CHICAGO, IL - Megastar Oprah Winfrey's talk show will end in 2011, coinciding with the start date for her newest project: hosting a comedy talk show. Said Danby Helix of Winfrey's Harpo Productions, "This is just the latest step in the ongoing creative dynamo known as Oprah Winfrey. The new venue, Oprah's Crazy Afternoon, will showcase her lighter side, featuring puppet co-hosts, sketch comedy with midgets, a weekly pie fight, and taped remote segments with Chaz Bono." According to Helix, Winfrey has always had a zany streak. "New Age guru Eckhart Tolle was on once to promote The Power of Now. Oprah kept pressing her palms against her mouth and blowing, making this blatting fart sound. Then she'd feign shock, turn on Ekhart and call him 'gas bag' and 'stink machine.' She kept that up for 9 or 10 minutes until the studio audience became so quiet you could hear cells divide. But I laughed the whole time, and being on staff had nothing to do with it." (Photo:

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Army Ignored Hasan Beheadings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A memo leaked from Walter Reed Medical Center revealed that Nidal Hasan beheaded numerous people in different incidents ignored by Army brass. Dated March 3, 2007, the memo from Hasan's supervisor at Walter Reed was addressed to the Credentials Committee. It read: "Subject: Cpt. Nidal Hasan - The faculty has serious concerns about Cpt. Hasan's professionalism and commitment to duty in that he has twice carried a large sword into the commissary and, while screaming 'Allahu Akbar,' beheaded personal eating pork rinds or BLT sandwiches. In addition, Cpt. Hasan has used a different large sword to behead a colleague for refusing to convert to Islam. This was done during a seminar and disrupted a Powerpoint presentation on depression. Cpt. Hasan's actions demonstrate poor judgement and behaviour inappropriate to an officer. We feel he may need counseling." A Pentagon spokesman downplayed the memo, stating, "His large swords were always confiscated. And, by the way, they weren't 'swords.' They were scimitars. Somebody flubbed a few details." (Photo:

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

U.S. To Supply Workers for Chinese Railroads

BEIJING, CHINA - In talks with President Hu, Barack Obama has promised the Chinese government a steady supply of Americans to perform manual labor on the Chinese railroad system. Initial reports state the work force will be drawn from the unemployed and opponents of the President's healthcare initiative. While details have not been finalized, the Americans will be paid substandard wages, housed in shanties, worked like dogs, and, periodically, killed by drunken Chinese citizens. And while the workers will be supervised by Chinese, a portion of their meager pay goes directly to the Service Employees International Union who will help the Yanks fill out absentee ballots. "Instead of beating our chests, we listened thoughtfully with respect and the results are overseas jobs for Americans," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "Not only will the Chinese continue to underwrite our debt, but they're throwing in straw coolie hats free-of-charge. Now that's smart diplomacy." (Photo:

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Leonid Meteor Shower Brings Blindness, Carnivorous Plants

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA announced that anyone watching last night's Leonid meteor show could find themselves blind and at the mercy of man-eating plants growing from alien seeds shed by the 55/P Tempel-Tuttle comet. NASA spokesperson Jackson Perry said, "There's some element in the [Leonid] meteors that burns out the human optic nerve. We're not sure what, only that the effects are permanent. As for the alien seeds, they quickly grow to plants around 11 or 12 feet tall that can shuffle along the ground, and eat anything they catch. Unfortunately, blind people are easy prey and so they eat a lot of them." Perry stated all NASA personal were warned in advance and took adequate precautions to avoid looking at the night sky. "We're fine," said Perry. "We only wish we'd had time to warn the general public. But something came up and we didn't. Our bad." Perry advised any citizens blinded to cling to a sighted person and compel them to serve you either via threats or guilt. "Otherwise, you're plant food." (Photo:

Monday, November 16, 2009

Obama Apologizes For Nanking

BEIJING, CHINA - As a favor to Japan's Emperor Akihito, President Barack Obama assumed full responsibility for the brutal 1937 Japanese occupation of Nanking and apologized to Chinese President Hu Jintao. "America's actions were the inexcusable actions of a rogue state: aerial bombardment of a helpless city, executing civilians, sinking of the American gunboat Panay, and the mass rape and slaughter of Chinese women. For these crimes, perpetrated by past administrations, I offer my humblest and most sincere apologies." Xinhua News Agency did not state Hu's response, however their report included remarks by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "A few days back, President Obama had just finished apologizing to Akihito for Pearl Harbor. Since he was visiting China next, the President was asked by the Emperor if he'd mind apologizing for Nanking and the whole 1937 to 1945 war. In Asia, accepting another country's war crimes is considered culturally sensitive. It was the neighborly thing to do." As a gift, the Emperor presented the President an iPod containing Akihito's 18 greatest speeches, all in Japanese, and a boxed VHS set of Kurosawa films in Secam format. (Photo:

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Olympic Committee Adds Egg and Spoon Run

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND - The International Olympic Committee has approved the egg and spoon run for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Once relegated to company picnics and school carnivals, the event features runners covering various distances clenching a spoon in which they must balance an egg. Should the egg fall out and break, the runner is disqualified. Vim Meyers, committee spokesperson, elaborated: "If the egg falls but the runner is able to make a catch and replace it in the spoon unbroken, then it will be considered proper and legal." Though the distances have yet to be finalized, it is believed there will be a five kilometer, ten kilometer and marathon (42 kilometer) egg and spoon run. "I believe this sport will erase East African dominance and make distance running more competitive. Unless the Kenyans practice with ostrich eggs. Then they will win." Meyers vehemently denied rumors of an egg and spoon sprint triathlon. "Please, this is the Olympics. Let's not make it a joke." (Photo:

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Bollywood Remakes 'Good Night, And Good Luck'

MUMBAI, INDIA - In a surprise choice, Dharma Productions has begun filming a remake of George Clooney's Good Night, And Good Luck . The 2005 Oscar-nominated story of CBS journalist Edward R. Murrow's defiance of Senator Joseph McCarthy is being helmed by veteran Bollywood ace VikramBhatt, director of such films as Ankahee and Ghulam. "Of course, my version will be in color," laughed Bhatt. "And there will be a love story with twins, lots of singing plus dance numbers mixing Bhangra folk with a little funk." Starring Aamir Khan as Murrow, Bhatt figures his film will run a little over three hours with intermission. "It's a masala film - real spicy. We've added some disapproving parents and a big martial arts fight in the Senate because the original is, perhaps, a bit talky and slow." Bhatt believes his film, due out in summer 2010, will be a commercial hit and is negotiating for the rights to remake the 1978 film, Reds. "Many famous actors, but, oh my, do they ever talk; no real music and no mix-up with twins. I'll fix that." (Photo:

Friday, November 13, 2009

NEA Funds 'Document Show'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chairman Rocco Landesman announced the National Endowment for the Arts would underwrite The Document Show. Set to air this winter on PBS, the new, hour-long weekly program would feature government documents flipping across the screen, underscored by rap music. "We're not your father's NEA," quipped Landesman. "Our first program showcased the 1974 Waterways and Fisheries Act, set to the music of Scarface and the Geto Boys." When asked about the entertainment or educational value of obscure documents zipping past, Landesman shrugged. "The government is alot like Brewster's Millions: spend it fast or have funding cut in the future. I didn't think it possible, but I'm running out of stuff to spend it on. Maybe it's just the pressure." Landesman mentioned several additional NEA projects including an animated series based on the popular children's book, Peter the Nearsighted Cyclops, and a six-hour environmental special describing a world in which the earth's most energetic global warming activists vanished. "Can you imagine no one talking about sustainability and carbon footprints? How scary is that?" (Photo:

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Obama Links Troop Increase to Leno Ratings

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC sources confirmed that President Barack Obama linked Afghan troop reinforcement to ratings of The Jay Leno Show. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source stated, "About a month ago, we started getting calls from the White House asking for Leno's overnights. Somebody here knows Kal Penn from the Harold and Kumar films. They called him in Washington and he [Penn] said the White House didn't have a clue on Afghanistan. And that, somehow, they'd tied the war to The Jay Leno Show and would reinforce if Leno broke 5 million viewers during November Sweeps." On Monday, Leno's ratings dipped to barely over 4 million, walloped by new episodes of CSI: Miami and Castle on CBS and ABC respectively. Two days later, news leaked that the President rejected all current troop options. "He's getting cold feet," said the source. "Unless Leno can pull off a miracle, we'll probably surrender to the Taliban before Christmas. If I were the military, I'd set Hugh Grant up with another prostitute. Better make it two. And one of them should be a monkey." (Photo:

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Church Holds Conference on Alien Life, Bingo Discussed

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - Catholic Church officials presented the results of an astrobiology conference discussing the possibility of life on other planets and whether that life played games of chance such as bingo. Said Fr. Carlos Remy of the Vatican Observatory, "If intelligent beings exist in outer space it's entirely possible they have developed games involving randomly drawn numbers. Perhaps they use cards made out of alien metal and, instead of corn, mark their places with space diamonds." Scientist Ben Francis of the University of Arizona agreed. "Part of Mankind's hubris has been a sort of 'bingocentrism.' We automatically discount the idea that other beings might engage in soft gambling to win a new space vehicle or a family trip to the Crab Nebula." In addition, the conference also discussed alien pot-luck suppers, allowing that celestial beings might use exotic minerals and gases to create their casseroles. (Photo: