Thursday, June 30, 2011

Taxing Policy

Today at The Conservatory: only wonder will come from taxing California's affiliate marketers.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Congo Economists Hired to Help California Economy

SACRAMENTO, CA - Bleeding jobs at a rapid rate due to high taxes and regulation, a desperate California state government has hired economists from the Democratic Republic of the Congo to offer  advice on long-term job creation. "We're open to good ideas wherever they come from," said Carey Yellman, a spokesman for Governor Jerry Brown. "Hopefully, these economists can give us a few pointers on how to attract business to the Golden State." Yellman stated the four economists had been hired as full-time state employees with annual salaries of $240,000 plus generous health care benefits. Because the state is broke, a quarter cent raise in the sales tax was initiated in order to pay for salaries and benefits. Said Yellman, "I'm sure the public won't mind [the tax raise] since it's going to the men who will help us think our way out of this mess we've somehow found ourselves in." Jean Mbeki, the lead economist, was confident. "In the Congo, the same persons stay in government for many years. They make the same troubles over and over again. But that, surely, is not the way of California."

According to Yellman, Mbeki and the other economists are off to a rocky start. "They had a lot of old school ideas such as mining and oil which are environmentally insensitive. Then they wanted to restore agriculture to the central valley. But that could harm the habitat of endangered species such as the mitered scrub flea. I'm sure these guys will eventually get the hang of things and start suggesting law suits and regulations. Maybe higher taxes...stuff every body's comfortable with."

Monday, June 20, 2011

Jihadist Teen Magazine Prophets From Youth

As promised, The Conservatory posted my tale of kids and bombs and fast food agreeable to Allah.

Notes on The Conservatory

Da Tech Guy interviews Dan Collins and Little Miss Attila on their new site, a marketplace-social hangout with news and opinion conservative side up.

I haven't seen anything like The Conservatory around the Web. Whatever happens, I'm betting their business model must be superior to a certain other site that went live recently then stiffed their writers.

I'll be posting once a week at The Conservatory. In fact I HAVE A STORY GOING LIVE LATER TODAY!! OH, HA, HA, HA.

Excited? A tad, a mite, a tiny cell-like bit. I think—think, mind you—this will be fun.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gay Group Exec Fired Over Hetro Affair

LOS ANGELES, CA - The board of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has voted to fire executive vice-president Merrick Dane for a reported affair with a heterosexual woman. In a surprise Sunday announcement, GLAAD spokesmen Lindsey D'Antonio stated the vote was unanimous to remove Dane for "scandalous conduct that has shamed us all." Over Memorial Day weekend, Dane was in San Francisco representing GLAAD at a street fair consisting of gay men wearing blue eyeshadow and camping it up as nuns. However later that evening he was caught on a cell phone camera entering a motel room in Alameda with an unmarried heterosexual woman named Lori Piers. In addition, the board produced witnesses who'd see Dane in a restaurant as he presented Piers with flowers then bought her an expensive meal with wine.

Dane initially denied the charges, stating Piers was a transvestite. But according to D'Antonio, the board downloaded emails sent on Dane's work computer thanking Piers for wonderful hetro sex and apologizing for having to 'sneak around like a common burglar.'

Dane refused to comment on his removal or relationship with Piers, but people close to him believe he may be ready to come out and live openly in California as a heterosexual. D'Antonio was dismissive. "I don't believe it. He's just trying to shock people."

Friday, June 17, 2011

POLL: Parking Meter 44, Obama 39

A new Marist/McClatchy poll shows that if the 2012 presidential election were held today an ordinary parking meter would defeat President Obama by 5 points. In a hypothetical match-up, forty-four percent of registered voters said they would elect a parking meter over President Obama. Thirty-nine percent stated they would reelect President Obama with 17 percent undecided. This recent sampling represents a diminished gap for the President who led the same poll in January 56 to 38. Independents broke for the parking meter 68 to 24 percent. Among Democrats, the President retained a solid lead of 47 percent with 31 percent voting for the parking meter, 9 percent voting for Dennis Kucinich, 4 percent selecting Kathy Griffin and the rest undecided. (Image:

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weiner Battles Demons, a Kangeroo

NEW YORK CITY, NY - On leave of absence from congress due to sexual obsessions, Anthony Weiner  (Dem. NY 9) is undergoing an unorthodox treatment centered around aversion therapy and confronting his demons. Sources inside the Brooklyn Center for Psychiatric Wellness would not comment on the record but stated unofficially that Weiner faces severe obstacles. "He's extremely narcissistic," said one source. "Our first task was to get the congressman to stop disrobing and photographing himself." In order to break Weiner of the habit he was dressed in a large clown costume and made to wear boxing gloves. Despite the difficulty involved, Weiner persisted and doctors resorted to aversion therapy, compelling the veteran congressman to fight a kangeroo. "Weiner is very sarcastic," explained the source,"but you can't hurt a kangaroo's feelings. It'll just keep hitting you no matter how cutting your remarks." Badly trounced, Weiner stayed dressed for an entire day.

Encouraged by the progress, doctors then invited him to confront his demons. But results were mixed. Said the source, "The demons are pure spirit so you can't see them, but they'd taunt Weiner and ask him to Twitter Hell. Sometimes they'd loosen screws on chairs so anyone sitting down would fall on his butt. Weiner tried over talking the demons and making snarky remarks about how they were damned and would spend eternity cut off from green jobs. But the demons laughed and rapped on the wall. One of them tried tapping out the drum solo from 'In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.' I only know that because my grandfather once played an Iron Butterfly CD for me."
(Image: Martin Bosque)

Monday, June 13, 2011

Expert Reports Arizona Fire 'Hot Enough to Burn Things'

GREER, AZ - As flame creep toward the town of Luna, New Mexico a federal firefighting expert has weighed in on the Wallow wildfire proclaiming it exceptionally 'hot.' "It's not a word I throw around lightly," said Mason Arns, a member of the President's Council on Firefighting. "But after studying televised pictures and listening to firefighters comment, and journaling my impressions, I'm prepared to state this fire is clearly hot enough to burn even large things." Arns felt the wind-driven blaze could best be battled with a combination of water, fire retardant, and backfires. "These are all actions I've read about in the Washington Post and I'm certain they're the correct ones to knock this baby down." Arns hoped no one touched the fire or placed aerosol cans close to the blaze. "What good would it do? None, that I can think of. Plus this is a very hot fire, so be guided by that."
(Image: (

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Palin Received Email from Nigerian Prince

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Sifting through Sarah Palin's emails, delighted reporters at the New York Times announced they'd discovered communication between the former governor and a Nigerian Prince. Said editor Joel Kniep, "This is clearly an illegal act between a sitting governor and a foreign power. By ignoring the State Department and conducting her own foreign policy, Palin may have violated numerous federal laws." Kniep admitted the Times has yet to uncover any response by Palin to the Nigerian, who asked for her bank routing number in order to send her several million dollars. However Kniep was confident, "Where there's smoke there's fire," then added sarcastically, "I wonder if she could see Lagos from her house?" The email sifting is part of an ongoing media enterprise involving readers and volunteer journalists engaged in studying 24,000 of the former Alaska governor's communications released last Friday. "We always ask readers to help us find interesting nuggets in public documents," said Kniep. "So this is just another impartial document search by the press, same as we do to everybody. Besides, the public has a right to know how much Nigerian money Palin received, when she received it, and what portion she donated to right-wing groups such as the NRA or the Church of Satan."

Sunday, June 5, 2011

President Appoints Blue Ribbon Panel to Run Presidency

TOLEDO, OH - Citing the need to devote himself to reelection, President Obama has announced the formation of a blue ribbon panel to run the remainder of his presidency. The President made the surprise announcement while touring a Chrysler factory, stating "there are those who wish me to stay bottled up in Washington until after 2012. To them I say, 'I will run again. I will sign thick complicated laws again. I will be president until 2016 again.'" While details on the panel's composition remain vague, there are indications the board will include former SEIU union boss Andy Stern, radical priest Fr. Michael Pflegler, former White House environmental advisor Van Jones, and Miley Cyrus. The board will have all presidential powers including nuclear codes and pardons. The POTUS Panel will be expected to handle rising unemployment, inflation, the debt ceiling, several wars, and the 2012 March Madness tournament brackets. (Image:

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Begala Claims Weiner Photo Part of Big Tent Policy

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Last night CNN political analyst Paul Begala defended Congressman Anthony Weiner, claiming any photo Weiner may have sent represented a Democratic big tent strategy. Said Begala, "I'm thinking it may have been voter outreach on Weiner's part." A former Clinton administration operative, Begala stated Democrats have always been more inclusive. "We welcome everyone to our party, including 21-year-old hotties. Believe me, if I learned anything working for Bill Clinton, it's that maybe we welcome co-ed hotties more than other group on earth."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

President Names July in Honor of Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-And-Beaten-With-French-Bread

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having proclaimed June LGBT Pride month, the White House announced the remaining slate of this summer's official months beginning with July's dedication to Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread. Below is a brief passage from a leaked version of the upcoming Presidential Proclamation.

 Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release          June 2, 2011 

Men-Who-Liked-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month     July 2011


Forty years have passed since a man who enjoyed being bound with a variety of restraints then struck on the back with long loaves of French Bread was arrested—along with a female companion—in a seedy motel outside Gallup, New Mexico and tried under once-popular cruelty-to-food laws. In the decades since then, Gays, Lesbians, Bi-sexual and Transgendered Americans have advanced in public life while members of the MWLTBTUABWFB community have remained cut off from the main stream, separated by misunderstanding, ignorance, and the obstinacy of bakers' unions.

But today, due in no small part to raising every sexual act, variation and fetish to the level of a civil right, MWLTBTUABWFB members are finally living lives of dignity and pride. Members are participating openly in society  alongside fellow Americans who will be sued, denounced as 'haters' and harassed if they express any opinion other than joyful grinning acceptance. My administration, within the first hundred days, appointed a MWLTBTUABWFB member to the Department of Agriculture as Undersecretary in Charge of Alternative Food Uses Other Than Ethanol.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim July 2011 as Men-Who-Like-To-Be-Tied-Up-and-Beaten-With-French-Bread Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to break the crust of bigotry and reduce discrimination to a few paltry crumbs easily swept up by a unionized janitorial staff.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of July, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

August is dedicated to Leather Studded Masks with Gag Balls while September will be Golden Shower Appreciation Month.