Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Monopoly Game Updated for Hyperinflation

The Monopoly Man celebrates a cash tsunami.
PAWTUCKET, RI - Reviews are mixed on Parker Brothers new version of Monopoly which has been modified to include hyperinflation. Players are particularly upset that, along with the revised board, cards and tokens, they must also purchase a 14-pound stack of high denomination bills.

Parker Brothers defended the move, boasting that changes were based on suggestions from the Federal Reserve and the government of Zimbabwe. "Hyperinflation brings a hurry-hurry-hurry attitude to the game," said Craig Gottfried, spokesman for Parker Brothers parent company, Hasbro. "In the new rules, the price of everything triples every fifteen minutes. It adds a fun element of calculation."

But fans disagree. "It's [the new version] very awkward," said Monopoly aficionado Lonnie Greibling. "Instead of starting the game with $1,500 you now begin with $700,000. There's money everywhere no matter how hard you try to stack bills in neat piles. And if you land on Park Place and there's a hotel, you pay rent in money that's worth less than when the game started."

In other changes, a new Chance card has been added stating, You're Occupied! Should a player draw that, his properties are deemed overrun with protesters who lower the value by 30% each turn they are not evicted.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Day! Have a Doughnut!

Merry Christmas to all! Open presents and enjoy the day with Orson Welles and Liberace.

h/t: DanniMckenzie

Friday, December 23, 2011

Turkey Accuses France of Genocide Without Giggling

"I swear by the Dung of the Prophet, the Frenchies did it too."
ANKARA, TURKEY -  Tayyip Erdogan accused France of genocide without cracking a smile or snorting. Observers applauded the control of Turkey's prime minister who was angered over a French political reference to Turkey's 1915 slaughter of Armenians. Said Reuters correspondent Alan Norwood, "Members of the international press expected Erdogan to, at least,  chortle a bit; maybe grin, shrug his shoulders, pretend to sneeze then laugh his ass off in a handkerchief. But instead he tossed out the accusation dry as a sirocco, completely free of all irony, self-awareness, or any hint of mirth."

Almost a hundred years later, Turkey insists the deaths of over a million Armenians was never genocide but  a "scheduling mishap." Additionally, Erdogan added that going forward the Turkish nation was adopting a policy of counter-accusation. "You say 'genocide' and we'll say 'genocide' right back," said the prime minister. "And we'll add 'racism' on top of it. That's two accusations to your one. Turkey will win! Do you hear? We will be the victors in this word war! Unless you don't say anything. Then we'll be quiet too. Except for 'racism.' You think we're ever giving that up?"
Image: e-books-inc

Thursday, December 22, 2011

We Bought A Zoo - A Review

Forces of Geek supplies us with more weighty film insights. Seems the reviewer had a bone to pick with the absence of computer graphics in a family flick that forced him to watch a pedestrian unenhanced movie.  Not a common perspective.

A sentimental tale of a family purchasing a zoo, this film swung and missed for our hearts by ignoring CGI and 3D.

Opportunities for an epic scale were jettisoned in favor of old-fashioned story and acting rendered entirely on film.

Read the rest at this very place.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Starving Mortician Eats Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il in happier times.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Unofficial government sources have reported that a hungry mortician dined on the body of deceased dictator Kim Jong Il. The 69 year old leader died Sunday from "great mental and physical strain." His body was transported to the Harmonious Afterlife Funereal Home in the capital and relinquished to chief mortician Park Bong-haw. According to sources, Park had not eaten anything since December 14 and was unable to contain himself, devouring most of the "Dear Leader" with a side dish of dust and pepper.

Park was arrested by secret police as he left the funeral home with a number of "to-go" boxes. It is believed he will face some combination of trial and execution, though in what order is unclear. New North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un was outraged, "To snack upon the Dear Leader as if he were a plump onion is a vile insult. It is the fault of hungry people and I am tempted to attack them."

In South Korea, the Yonhap news agency reported that President Lee Myung-bak convened a security council meeting and placed the military on high alert. Said an anonymous South Korean military official, "As new ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un must demonstrate to the ruling clique that he is vicious and mentally unstable. He must prove his "nut hood" but in what fashion remains to be seen."
Image: Shangiist

Friday, December 16, 2011

Corzine Channels Uncle Billy from 'Wonderful Life'

Like Uncle Billy, Corzine's mind is all a jumble.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former CEO Jon Corzine referenced popular Christmas film It’s a Wonderful Life by comparing himself to the character of Uncle Billy. “I made a stupid mistake,” said Corzine, during testimony Thursday before a subcommittee of the House Financial Services Committee. “I had 1.2 billion dollars wrapped in a newspaper and was taking it to deposit when I ran into a crabby old man in a wheelchair. I showed him my paper for a brief moment and, the next thing you know, the money was missing.”

Corzine prepares to tie a string around his finger.
Corzine presided over the bankruptcy of commodities brokerage MF Global and has been unable to identify the ‘crabby old man’ whom he claimed stole 1.2 billion dollars in customer funds. “I’d know him if I saw him again,” said the former Democratic senator and governor of New Jersey. “In fact, I’m tying a string around my finger right now to remind me to turn that fellow in the next time he shows up.”

Corzine also attempted to dispel a rumor that every time a bell rings, a Goldman Sachs executive gets caught ripping people off. “That’s simply untrue,” said Corzine. “I’d tell you why but I can’t remember. Oh, my mind is all so muddled.”
 Images: cracked and businessinsider

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked - A Review

Vital information in the culture wars.

Not since Goin’ Coconuts has a tropical movie misfired on so many cylinders.

No amount of witty lines can lighten arson, murder, and a descent into barbarism.

And that’s what awaits the viewing public in
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.

Quickly read more here.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New Border Crossing Uses Honor System

CPB pilot kiosk awaiting travelers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move designed to increase security, Customs and Border Patrol announced the opening of a new unmanned border crossing operating on the honor system. "We have a pilot kiosk set up with documents in English and Spanish as well as a selection of pens," said CBP spokesman Bill Weber. "We're asking Mexican nationals wishing to enter the U.S. to honestly state whether or not they should be allowed into this country. They'll also be asked to declare any narcotics or other form of contraband.  If in possession of prohibited items, they'll be instructed to stop filling out the form, set down the pen and return home until they can meet proper entry criteria."

When asked to explain how the honor system improved security, Weber ignored the question and produced a map,  pointing to a remote region of Texas and stating, "The kiosk will feature Chinese hand-fans to help alleviate extreme heat and a flashlight for low-light periods. That way it'll operate 24/7 without electrical power and help keep the border green."

Asked to comment on congressional criticism of the kiosk plan as 'deeply flawed,' Weber grew irate. "'Flawed' huh? Well that's what they said about Justice, ATF and Operation Fast and Furious. I think the results speak for themselves: thousands of guns successfully transferred to drug cartels at a cost of only two hundred dead Mexicans and hardly any dead Americans. We believe the CPB kiosk system will work out just as well if not better. And if it doesn't then it'll either be an honest mistake, completely redacted from all official correspondence or somebody's fault but neither mine nor that of anyone high up in the CPB."


Friday, December 9, 2011

Insight and Serenity by Buddy Chopra

Interesting News Items is fortunate to have obtained the services of Deepak Chopra's less enlightened brother, Buddy. His wisdom will grace this blog and bolster spirits in perilous times.

The heart chakra of someone watching Pit Boss.
Parables are ways to learn wisdom hidden from us by our false selves. The search for wisdom may also be hampered by certain relatives who have done very, very well in this life and won’t co-sign a loan. Nevertheless in order to learn we must listen, and to listen, we must have ears, and to have ears we must be born with them or purchase a pair on the black market from the Chinese. Make sure they are people ears or others will talk.

Adversity unmasks the true self, but adversity may be misunderstood. If internalized, adversity may turn to bitterness. Beware the grapes of bitterness for they soon become the wine of resentment just as wine turns to vinegar and circus employees turn to strong drink once the midway is set up and the midgets have been put to bed.

Your mind when dwelling upon the depth of Miley Cyrus.
Recall how Yama, the lord of death, came to visit the widow Patel, who lived alone threshing grain and fielding service calls for Microsoft. Yama tempted her with four gold coins if Patel would curse her fate and renounce acceptance. But Patel tricked the lord of death by pouring milk into a rolled up newspaper then unwrapping the newspaper to reveal no milk. Yama was confused. He left the widow and resumed smoking menthol cigarettes later that day.

What insight should we glean from Patel? How does this tale align with the teachings of the Vedanta?

I haven’t a clue. My thoughts are clouded by universal inequities. Consider a wealthy man, a writer of books, a sought-after speaker, a dispenser of wisdom that is thinner and lighter than the most gossamer of French crepes.

Consider his younger brother, who has served two years for mail fraud and now has an opportunity to purchase a commercially zoned parcel. Consider that the younger brother has inside information that the city will buy this very parcel for the construction of offices.

Since the truly spiritual cares not for the material things of this world, the older brother, who goes forth garbed as profoundly spiritual, should gladly guarantee the loan of the younger brother, despite several past financial misunderstandings. Would not this be in accord with karmic reward?

But the older brother dodges phone calls and emails and has unfriended the younger brother on Facebook. What has become of the third component of the law of Dharma—service to humanity? How can one unfriend and serve? This is urinating upon existence the way a cow urinates upon a flat rock.

Ah, I have digressed. But life is a digression. Do not try and hold the river or you will be wet and laughed at by fly fishermen. Know these three things that you may attain a higher consciousness.

To dig a well surrounded by dirt is a sign of faith. To dig a well surrounded by water means you are in a lake. Get out.

An enlightened person has no organs only circles and things.
We all contain the ability to step into a higher plane. But if we do, the TSA will feel us up.
To give is divine—unless you are a certain older brother. Than it is one lame excuse after another. How hard can it be? A lousy signature. I know this guy on the city council. The deal is a lock! It’s practically free money! Why do I end up getting treated like Billy Carter or Roger Clinton?

I happen to know a few things about a certain famous older brother and a girl in Santa Fe. Do I run my big mouth? No and all I ask for is his holy John Hancock on a loan document.

 Ah, but I have digressed again. Still, all paths are a soul journey for those who seek love. And remember that love is available to all, but more likely to those who have cash.

Images:, myspace, pebblesspiritualcave

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Sitter - A Film Review

Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to movie reviews.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Inbred Mountain Men Mourn McKinney Loss

McKinney (right) prepares Jon Voight for hunching.
AINTRY, GA - Last Thursday actor Bill McKinney passed away in his California home leaving inbred mountain men without a vital role model. Best known for his performance in the 1972 film Deliverance, McKinney portrayed an inbred mountain man who sodomized a traveler and threatened another with death before dying at the hands of Burt Reynolds.

"He (McKinney) hunched a city boy up thar on the screen," said inbred mountain man spokesman Caleb Martin. "He made that 'ol boy squeal like a pig and all and that made us [inbred mountain men] stand as tall as a man with rickets can stand." Martin stated that generations of inbred mountain men have been inspired by the film to take charge of their lives and expand their horizons. "I'da just stayed up thar in the hills but that there film made me come down by the crick [creek] and wait for city boys to pass in a shiny canoe." Despite a lack of creek traffic, Martin is optimistic. "I tell my kin that a boat load of city boys will pass one day and we'll hunch every darn one of 'em. But my kinfolks don't believe me. They say stuff like that only happens in the movies. I'ma sure hoping not."
Image: New York Times

Monday, December 5, 2011

Monkey Island Now Called 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island'

A monkey pauses from defecating to swat a zoo keeper.
 TAMPA, FL - After a recent escape by twenty-nine monkeys, the Fort Hardy Wildlife Preserve announced they have changed the name of their Monkey Island to reflect a more mature appreciation of the animal's characteristics. "We're calling it 'Nasty Ass Monkey Island' so people know what they're dealing with," said zoo president Curtis Naylor. "The new signs are up already." Naylor's attitude stems from incidents subsequent to the animals' escape. According to local news sources, the beasts swam across a moat, then ran wild through the grounds, defecating on cars, flinging feces at zoo patrons, and smearing feces across the ground as if finger-painting, picking out bits of seed then eating it.

In addition, monkeys raided the Giraffe Grill and stole pizza and cups of French Fries which they proceeded to eat, defecate and re-eat. Another monkey was observed having sex with a coin-operated telescope.

"This place was hell on greased wheels," recalled Naylor. "It was like a fire in a dormitory for the blind. We finally got the monkeys back across the moat but it was pure chaos with a chaser of disgust." Naylor originally wanted to rename the enclosure 'Nasty Ass, Crap-Eating Monkey Island' but was denied by the zoo's board of directors.

"Buncha do-nothing weaklings," snorted Naylor, referring to the directors. "I got push-back on the new name but put it up anyway." Naylor was unable to designate the species contained on the island. "Beats me. Is there a special crap-eating monkey? If so, then we got it here in spades."
Image: A. L.O. P.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Crips and Bloods Hired to Slaughter Horses

MESQUITE, NV - In what the White House is calling a 'two-fer,'  President Obama has signed horse-slaughtering back into law and hired LA gang bangers to terminate the animals. The measure hopes to take advantage of urban life-skills by paying the youths federal wages to shoot horses from a car. White House spokesman Jay Carney was excited. "Horses will be spaced out in front of the slaughter house. Then gang bangers will drive past and 'cap their asses' as they like to say, with various illegally obtained ordinance."

Crips will shoot on Mondays and Wednesdays while Bloods will have the honors on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Carney states it's necessary to keep the groups separate so that "only horses are shot." After termination, the gang bangers will be allowed to tag the horses with spray paint. "Since they're being made into dog food, it's not really a health violation," explained Carney. Eventually, the White House hopes  this program will be the first step in a process of weaning gang members from violence. "Over time, we'll have them shoot pigs, then cats, then koi. Eventually, they'll stop wanting to kill living things, pull up their pants and listen to music with less prominent bass lines."
Image: Drive-by Shooting