Saturday, April 30, 2011

Veternarian Discovers Cancer Cure, Media Focus on Royals

WICHITA, KA - A rural veterinarian has discovered what may be a cure for all cancers as well as small pox and the mumps. The startling news came from scientists at the Center for Disease Control as well as officials at the Food and Drug Administration who have spent the last seven years testing a home-made drug accidentally created by rural veterinarian Hiram Ellis of Derby, Kansas.

According to an FDA spokesman, back in September 2003, Dr. Ellis, age 55, had been attempting to improve on standard medication for the livestock malady Brucellosis. Ellis experimented in a home-made lab he'd set up in an old tool shed behind his farmhouse. Using roots and simple chemicals, Ellis threw together a formula he hoped would check the cattle illness. However Ellis' formula was accidentally mixed into a drink of Tang and ingested by his elderly mother who suffered from small pox as well as a rare form of toe cancer. Within four days, both small pox and cancer had completely receded while dewlaps under Mrs. Ellis' arms tightened and didn't wobble so much.

Cautiously, Ellis worked with a local M.D., Dr. Clyde Hailey, to test other patients and discovered his creation eradicated cancer even in advanced stages as well as the mumps. In addition, the wonder drug mitigated, but would not eliminate, Plantars warts.

Despite CDC and FDA announcing total government approval, Ellis remains unknown and his discovery ignored by almost every major media outlet in the United States due to a conflict with the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. "Okay, so the guy did something big," said an NBC spokesman requesting anonymity. "But his discovery has nothing to do with the royals. Maybe if this Ellis lived in London we could've gotten a reaction to Catherine's dress. Then, if there were time, he could plug his medicine. But otherwise, how is it news?" (Image: The Rag Blog)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Syria Shoots Old Population, Buys New One

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - After shooting their old population, the Syrian government has announced the purchase of a new population from Craig's List. "We're very excited and looking forward to getting everyone settled," said Ministry of Information spokeswoman Reem Haddad. "Of course, there are forms and bio data we must collect along with a written promise not to demonstrate ever. But once that is finished, people can move into the homes and apartments of the many criminals who once lived in Syria." Starting several weeks ago, the Syrian government began shooting demonstrators. Then they shot soldiers who refused to shoot demonstrators. Then they shot everyone who showed up at the funeral of someone who had been shot. "I was surprised when Security Forces told me they'd shot our entire population of gangsters and Jew spies," said Haddad. "And while the action was justified, there was no one left alive to make coffee or pick up dry cleaning or operate power stations." Haddad hoped the slaughter was over, but warned the government would not tolerate dissent. "We're hoping the new population doesn't go bad on us. But should they turn, there are millions of people leaving California. We'll stick up a few wind farms and give them an audition—so to speak." (Image: Yalibnan)

Friday, April 15, 2011

College Offers Degree in Falsifying Hate Crimes

CHAPEL HILL, NC - In order to better foster diversity and multiculturalism, the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill is offering an undergraduate degree in Falsifying Hate Crimes. "Nothing creates a spirit of community, opens dialogue, and increases campus speech controls better than big fake hate crimes," said Professor Donald Shuster-Manque. Professor Shuster-Manque will head up the inaugural class, using teachable moments from Tawana Brawley and the Duke Lacrosse Players rape accusation. "Our goal is to graduate well-rounded students who can manufacture a hate crime, back up their phony allegations, attract the media, and eventually get Al Sharpton involved. This requires a diverse skill set including drama, marketing, psychology, and good old-fashioned lying-your-ass-off." In addition, students will learn the fundamentals of song writing, poetry and web design in order to spread the message that hate crimes are unacceptable unless they're falsified in order to increase awareness of hate crimes.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

GOP Boasts of Future Cuts to Blimp Fleet

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Facing anger from their base over paltry cuts of $352 million in actual 2011 spending, the office of House Speaker John Boehner has issued a press release pointing to bold reductions in the nation's civilian blimp fleet slated for 2014. In part, the release trumpeted a "mandatory rescission in rescission authority based on reappropriations to offset future fiscal years with something written in English but unknowable to ordinary taxpayers." Said Republican House spokesmen Walt Dryer, "As we clearly state in our release, the civilian blimp fleet will be cut by almost 4 million dollars three years from now. That's at least two hanger closings but not the factory that makes mooring lines. Those have been outsourced to Costa Rica but new orders will be severely curtailed." Created in 1942, the civilian blimp fleet was designed as a backup to the military's blimp force. Once handled by the Office of Domestic Airships, the civilian blimp program was folded into the Department of Commerce in 1997. Employing over 6,500 people at 11 hangers around the country, the CBF stands ready to inflate and pilot seven M class blimps should the military ever use blimps again and those blimps become disabled by enemy action. Critics have called the cuts "heartless" and "extreme,"stating they are part of the Republican Party's "War on Blimps."

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

U.S. Still Bombing Libya but Unsure Why

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - With NATO in command, American F-16 fighters have bombed Libya three times in the last ten days but are unsure exactly why. According to NATO spokesmen Peers Maggette, "American jets are operating with French and British jets in a choreographed affair of bombs. It is imperative that we ruffle the sand so no one will suspect we lack power to intervene in a battle between a brutal dictator and some other fellows." Citing the humanitarian nature of the mission, Maggette was unable to explain why NATO is bombing Libya but not Sudan, Congo, or Syria. "It is gauche to clutter foreign policy with consistency or reason. This has nothing to do with European oil and everything to do with something else."

Where Our Economy is Headed

Best to educate yourself and plan ahead.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

GOP Budget Deal Forces Dems to Hand Over Magic Beans

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As more details emerge, it appears the Republican Party backed the Democrats into a corner on the budget deal, winning cuts of less than 15 billion in exchange for a handful of magic beans. "They really scalped us," said White House spokesman Neil Ferris. "John Boehner is an absolute crack negotiator. I can't tell you how painful it was to hand over those valuable magic beans." Originally billed as winning 38.5 billion in cuts and eliminating several Czars, the budget deal now turns out to have cut virtually nothing—thanks to federal sleight-of-hand accounting tricks—and that the Czars in question were already gone. Nonetheless, the Republican leadership crowed over winning the beans. "They really are hotties," said a source close to House Speaker Boehner. "John [Boehner] is going to plant them tonight on the Mall. I'll bet by tomorrow a big beanstalk grows and we'll get a golden harp and sacks of regular gold and use that to save the country from trillions in debt." Ferris expressed fear for the future. "We've still got the debt limit vote coming up as well as the 2012 budget. With the Republicans on a roll like this, I don't know what we'll give them if they demand more cuts. All we have left is an old lamp."

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Kloppenberg Victory Caps Sell On eBay

MADISON, WI - Ball caps reading 'WI Supreme Court Judge Kloppenberg Champ 2011' are available for purchase on eBay. "Sure, there may be a recount and all," said Wayne Gessler, aide to the assistant attorney general who declared herself winner with 204 votes before 7,500 votes were discovered for her incumbent opponent, "but it doesn't look good. Besides, we're gonna need money to pay for lawyers and challenges and pizza. Hopefully, our Kloppenberg victory gear will bring in a few bucks." In addition to the ball caps, there are Kloppenberg victory jerseys, barbecue aprons, pot holders, and a JoAnne Kloppenberg bobble head. Gessler states all the items are reasonably priced and durable. "They're union made," said Gessler, "so there's that."
(Image: dt)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Cheap Things to Do in NYC

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Despite being overtaxed and overpriced, New York features numerous activities that savvy tourists may enjoy for little or no money. Here's a quick list for your next Big Apple vacation.

Walk into Radio City Music Hall and view the wreckage of Charlie Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Show.

Order fries in a McDonald's and have them checked by Food Police, ensuring you're only eating as much salt as NYC public bureaucrats allow.

Go in winter and follow a tort lawyer around as he collects lawsuits from pedestrians who have slipped, fallen, or are deemed to have slipped and fallen on icy sidewalks.

Visit the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and take a virtual bank-bailout tour, illustrating how a proud, vigilant Fed watched quietly as greed and hapless government policies collapsed the economy.

Riker's Island Tour operates 24/7 but won't start until you throw a Slurpee on a cop. Then you're in the pipeline for a boat trip to a genuine prison island that's said to modeled after a John Carpenter film.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Porn Industry Concerned Over Government Shut-Down

VAN NUYS, CA - Internet porn producers fear a drop-off in traffic should the government close up shop. "They're our best customers," said Marty Zeefer, vice-president of Jugathon Productions. "There isn't a day goes by that a .gov computer isn't locked onto one of our sites for 20, 50, 170 minutes or more a visit. Government workers are number one at signing up for premium services and following numerous links to our affiliate sites. They're loyal customers and I'd hate to see a drop-off." When asked why the same employees wouldn't use home computers to access the same sites, Zeefer explained. "I used to work for the SEC, so I know whereof I speak: there's nothing sweeter than eyeballing hard-core porn on the public nickel. You wouldn't want to do it at home. It cuts into your hobbies."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Lady GaGa CD to Contain Sexual References

NEW YORK CITY, NY -  In a move that surprised many fans, pop sensation Lady GaGa has announced her latest CD will contain lyrics heavy with sexual references, sexual metaphors, sexual innuendo, and in-the-clear cries for sex. "You can't stand still," said music critic Adrian Hansen. "Lady 'G' is tired of singing chaste ballads about unrequited love. I think her new CD, Muffin Machine, will demonstrate the sensual side of a performer mostly known for subtlety and nuance." Rumors abound that the video sizzles as Lady GaGa discards the modest costumes of her previous efforts and embraces a new, bizarre, artsy look that insiders are calling 'Martian prostitute.' Hansen states that despite the new steamy approach Lady G songs will continue embracing a wide range of issues facing young people today. Titles on Muffin Machine include "I'm Baying For Your Hot Fun,""Lust Ramp," "Humping My Way Back to You,""Let's Swap STDs," and the touching number, "I'd Blow a Pony for Your Kiss." (Image: top eleven lists)                                                                                          

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Muslims Riot Over 'Walk Like an Egyptian'

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN - Shouting anti-U.S. slogans Muslims erupted into the streets, killing 14 more people over a translation of the 1986 Bangles hit 'Walk Like an Egyptian.' According to U.N. worker Klaus Hibling, "From a loudspeaker, a mullah named Amanudin read a translation of the song in Dari and Pashto. He claimed the lyric 'doing the sand dance don't you know' was a mockery of Allah and all things Muslim. Amanudin cried that Allah would gobble up all believers in a ham pie if they didn't at once begin to burn and kill."

As crowds ransacked his apartment, Hibling hid in a  shower stall knowing it wouldn't be searched. "The Koran expressly prohibits touching plastic shower curtains with fish on them." During the riot, Hibling said Amanudin continued to incite the crowd over the loudspeaker. "He said that the lyrics 'Foreign types with the hookah pipes say Ay oh whey oh' were code words for 'teach a Muslim woman to read.' He also said Debbie Petersen only did backing vocals and didn't even play drums. On that song they used a drum machine. I don't know about that." Hibling felt it was fortunate that Islam was a religion of peace and not some brutal creed with many followers who were murderous, hypersensitive illiterates. "If that were true, people could really get hurt."
(Images: Wickipedia & Fox News)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Lindsey Graham New Spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows

WASHINGTON, D.C. - When his senate days end Lindsey Graham has a new job lined up as spokesman for Kraft Marshmallows, thanks to his call for punishing Americans who burn a Koran. "When we heard a United States Senator asking a man be held responsible for torching a Muslim religious book, we knew he was our guy," said Kraft spokesman Arnold Holton. "Our 16 ounce package of Jet-Puffed Marshmallows are so soft and billowy that only a man with a similar spine could do the product justice." South Carolina Republican Senator Graham hasn't officially accepted the position, but Holton is confident Kraft will prevail. "You can't offer a senator money. But you can offer the one thing they crave more than anything—media face time. In any case, if Graham passes we can always get Chuck Schumer."

Sunday, April 3, 2011

NEA: Koran Burning Okay if 'Art'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commenting on the slaying of U.N. workers by an Afghan mob over the burning of a Koran, the National Endowment of the Arts stated the desecration might have been acceptable if done as a work of art. "Not that we would ever sponsor such a thing, and speaking theoretically, had the Koran been burned as part of a performance art piece or symbolically to show the fierce fires religion can ignite, then it might, possibly, have been within the bounds of innovative art," said NEA spokesman Martin O'Hara. O'Hara believes Pastor Terry Jones made a mistake when he burned the holy book as an exercise in free speech. "I'm not a lawyer, but I think free speech only applies to torching  American flags or dipping a crucifix in urine. There's a clear exemption for artifacts associated with a Religion of Peace." Asked if killing agnostic Europeans half a world away who had nothing to do with the incident seemed like a justifiable response, O'Hara paused thoughtfully. "I'm going to say 'yes' out of nuance and deep moral principle. Being called an 'Islamophobe' or getting slaughtered in public like an animal have nothing to do with my answer."

Friday, April 1, 2011

New White House Mandate: Wind-Powered Fighting Vehicles

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  President Obama's green vehicle directive has been expanded to include the U.S. Army which must convert its Bradley Fighting Vehicles (BVFS) to wind-power. In a speech last week, the President stated the entire federal fleet must consist of clean energy vehicles by 2015 and that included the Army. "Our future kinetic military actions must demonstrate to friend and foe alike this nation's commitment to sustainable energy."

According to Army spokesman Major Tom Alexander, the White House believed that since the Army often fights in deserts and other windy places, a propeller driven vehicle would make the most sense as well as leaving hardly any carbon footprint. "We're beginning with the M3A3 Cavalry version of the Bradley," said Maj. Alexander. "After removing the fuel tank and engine, a large propeller will be added on a tower fixed above the turret and only slightly impeding the firing of TOW and Dragon anti-tank missiles."

Abrams Tanks and Humvees will await retro-fitting pending field tests of the new green Bradleys under combat conditions in Afghanistan. "Should the wind die down consistently stranding vehicles in hostile locations, then we'll look into alternatives," said Alexander. "At present, that would involve purchasing a Nissan Leaf and fitting it with a 25mm Bushmaster Chain Gun. But I hope it doesn't come to that."