Expert Reports Arizona Fire 'Hot Enough to Burn Things'

GREER, AZ - As flame creep toward the town of Luna, New Mexico a federal firefighting expert has weighed in on the Wallow wildfire proclaiming it exceptionally 'hot.' "It's not a word I throw around lightly," said Mason Arns, a member of the President's Council on Firefighting. "But after studying televised pictures and listening to firefighters comment, and journaling my impressions, I'm prepared to state this fire is clearly hot enough to burn even large things." Arns felt the wind-driven blaze could best be battled with a combination of water, fire retardant, and backfires. "These are all actions I've read about in the Washington Post and I'm certain they're the correct ones to knock this baby down." Arns hoped no one touched the fire or placed aerosol cans close to the blaze. "What good would it do? None, that I can think of. Plus this is a very hot fire, so be guided by that."
(Image: (phillips.blogs.com)

Earth Hour To Feature Outer Darkness, Wailing, Gnashing of Teeth

 SEATTLE, WA - This year's Earth Hour offers a new wrinkle, asking everyone to 'go beyond the hour' and spend 120 minutes outside in a dark place, wailing and gnashing their teeth. "There's something very poetic about that," said Mila Husting, a local Earth Hour organizer. The global event, scheduled for March 26 at 8:30 PM local time, has traditionally asked individuals and businesses to switch off all lights for one hour to signify awareness of global warming. But Hustings felt the action too tame and safe. "We want everyone experiencing the same anguish as our planet."

After stressing the need for participants to dress sensibly for local conditions, Husting conceded that two hours was a long time to wail. "We've held several workshops and people run out of gas quickly. That's why we've including Earth Sayings." Hustings explained that 'Earth Sayings' were proactive statements the earth would utter if it could talk during Earth Hour. The activities are ways to 'green up' a local environment. The idea is for participants to wail a few minutes, cry out an Earth Saying, perform the suggested action, then return to wailing. Earth Saying examples include:

"Owww, electric light hurts my eyes. Someone please break that street lamp."

"My earth skin hurts from coal mining. Dig a hole right here, right now and relieve the pressure with a potted plant."

"My earth tummy is full from so much trash. Please take other people's garbage home with you and make it taste good for me. Collect some now."

"And let's not forget teeth gnashing," added Hustings. "Many people just go 'grrrr' like a dog with a rag. We're asking everyone to really grind their teeth in rage and anguish—unless they have loose dentures or a note from a dentist."

Hustings felt it could take years for this form of 'green empathy' to catch on. "There's an initial fear of appearing silly and odd. But once we assure people they're saving the planet by sitting in the dark and baying like mourners at a Chinese funereal then they dive in big time." (Image: Earth Hour)

Bulbs Dim as Whale Lamps Light Up California

SACRAMENTO, CA - With the Golden State phasing out 100-watt incandescent light bulbs beginning Jan. 1, retailers are gearing up to sell lamps powered by whale oil. Once popular as an illuminant and a rust protector for iron bridges and dental implements, whale oil use diminished after the mid-19 century discovery of kerosene. But with incandescents being replaced by CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Lights) and CFL's having numerous drawbacks—mercury-filled, costly, odd twisty shapes—whale oil has been staging a quiet green fuel comeback.

In Cambria at Whales and Walking Sticks, owner Kadie Freeman sold another lamp and a half-barrel of fuel. "Baleen oil lasts the longest,"said Freeman, "though pilot whale oil will do in a pinch." Once a staunch member of Greenpeace, Freeman realized that drastic action was necessary to combat global warming. "All life on earth is toast if we don't immediately  reduce our energy consumption," she said, eyes alight with conviction. "Humans are giving up practical, easy-to-replace incandescent bulbs. The least whales can do is part with a little oil."

At New Lamps for Old in San Francisco, manager Billy Bitkin stated many customers liked the smell of whale oil. "It's very sea-like, very timbers-creaking-sort-of-thing." Bitkin can't wait until spring when eco tours embark on gray whale hunts. "Thar she blows," he joked. Bitkin and others sail out near the Farallon Islands, wait for gray whales to surface, then blast them with shotguns loaded with deer slugs. The carcasses are towed back to a cove near Sausalito where passengers don rubber aprons and help strip and boil down the whale for its oil. "When we're done, we each get a little keg of whale oil to take home," added Bitkin. "It's like ashes-at-a-funereal-only-practical-sort-of-thing."(Image: MSNBC.com)

Warners Jumps On 3-D 'Night of the Lepus'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Warner Bros. announced plans to remake sci-fi bomb, Night of the Lepus. The 1972 story of giant rabbits attacking humans in the Arizona desert will be done over in 3-D. "You'll think big, flesh-eating bunnies just jumped in your popcorn," laughed Warner marketing spokesman Dori Ross. Using an expensive 3-D process to rejuvenate a bad film seems risky, but Ross was confident new 'Lepus' will soar. "We're going all-in with the environmental message. Instead of old school fears like overpopulation, we're breaking new ground by attacking soft drink manufacturers. Sodas are the new tobacco." In the 2010 version, the only people killed by giant rabbits are those drinking cans, bottles, and liters of soda. Often, soda-drinking characters escape by hiding, but a carbonated belch gives them away and they're slain by rabbits. Characters drinking spring water or natural fruit juices always escape, no matter how desperate their straits. Said Ross, "We think there's action galore for the teen male demographic and subtle nuanced politics for older female audiences. Still, we need to sneak in a message that sodas are Okay provided you're watching this movie."

Conference Okays Polar Bear Chimichangas

DOHA, QATAR - Food lovers rejoiced as a UN conference on endangered wildlife upheld the trade in polar bear chimichangas. "This is a victory for anyone who loves deep-fried, flour tortillas stuffed with polar bear meat," said Canadian chef Jacques Bidet. Americans at the 175-nation conference argued that polar bear populations are threatened by potential global warming as well Eskimo hunting, and murder by other disgruntled polar bears. Often accompanied by salsa, guacamole, sour cream and cheese, polar bear chimichangas have been exempt from most international conferences under the 1976 Odd Foods Treaty. However, members of the US Fish and Wildlife Commission had hoped to end the trade as well as prohibit all harvesting and sale of polar bear organs, particularly the rib cage which is prized by the Chinese who use it as a xylophone. "We're disappointed by the vote," said Fish and Wildlife under secretary Haymon Loquat. "But we'll keep trying to save them [bears], even if their population is growing. We love polar bears almost as much as international conferences. Maybe less. Yes, less. I have a big hotel room."

PBS 'Fudge Factor' Teaches Kids Science Fakery

ARLINGTON, VA - PBS announced a January 2010 premiere for Fudge Factor, a new program aimed at teaching preschoolers how to fake science data to support global warming. Created in association with the East Anglia Climate Research Unit, the program aims to instruct kids in crafting bogus computer models that will trick people into believing the immanent arrival of environmental doom. "Youngsters are naturally creative," said PBS spokesperson Tara Logan-Taylor. "By using imagination we're building fun into fakery and, hopefully, grooming a new generation of climate scientists." Guiding children on their educational journey is the character of Happy Goodpine. "We didn't want kids to fear the planet, so we came up with Happy. He's sort of the spirit of environmentalism and love of earth all rolled into one." Played by actor Gym Wenger, Happy capers about in a big pine costume, speaking in a high-pitched falsetto. Logan-Taylor points out that "he's the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, if you follow me." Providing a break from making 2 + 2 = 117, Happy leads little learners in games and activities that revolve around worship and adoration of Gaia. "We have a 28-foot marble effigy of the mother goddess giving birth to Uranus," added Logan-Taylor. "But kids complained about prostrating themselves before the deity because the floor was cold. Then Happy thought of having youngsters remove all clothing and jump over a campfire screaming praises to Gaia, Earth-Mother, All-Good. That seemed to solve the chill problem. We're asking parents at home to supervise their kids should they wish to pass naked through flame in adoration of Gaia. It's a safety issue." (Photo: posneg.wordpress.com)

Big Oil Gifts Global Warming Sceptics

LONDON, UK - Hackers have broken into the data bank of the International Association of Oil and Gas Producers (OGP) and stolen hundreds of emails listing goods and services awarded to scientists for debunking global warming. Spilled on the web, these documents reveal a decade-long pattern of oil companies plying scientists and scholars with very unusual, but expensive, gifts in return for publishing misleading reports on catastrophic climate change. In no particular order, here are several recipients and their prizes:

• Physicist Freeman Dyson: Free gas from any gas station anywhere in the world for 60 years (includes selection of snacks and cold drinks; not transferable)
  
• Scientist Bjorn Lomborg: A diamond-studded windbreaker with Shell Oil logo.
• Myron Ebell: 700 gallons of Sae 30 Chevron motor oil (plus funnel and crankcase drain pan.)
• Nobel Prize Winner Ivar Giaever:  A sack of emeralds and a ConocoPhillips ball cap.
• Professor Ian Plimer: A solid gold commuter mug with Exxon logo and spill-resistant closeable lid.
• Scientist Kiminori Itoh: oil women (not sure what this means.)  (Photo: pakistantalk.com)

KFC Lard Brick New Green Snack

LOUISVILLE, KY - KFC Corporation has announced that all Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants will now carry the latest green snack: the Lard Brick. "It's about the size of a bread loaf, made of solid white lard," said KFC spokesperson Gina Anaphast. "What's really cool is that it's made from lard and fat waste from other fast food chains." Previously, each three-pound lard brick would have been nothing but grease trap waste. "Food for roaches the size of a bearclaw," said Anaphast. "At KFC, we boil all lard in chicken fat, compress it into bricks, and let it harden naturally." Anaphast believes recycling will overcome any health concerns about the snack's contents. "Recycling is super good and so are Lard Bricks. They go really well with coleslaw and The Colonel's Own Bubbly Water, which is recycled from discarded seltzer canisters found behind taverns. There's no end to what you can do once you start recycling." (Photo: worldexpoblog.com)

Footwear Czar Wants Crocs Mandatory

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Zaha Caputo, President Obama's Footwear Czar, has declared her intention to make Crocs the national shoe: "Americans would wear boards on their feet without common-sense government guidelines." In an interview with Odd Shoe Quarterly, Caputo stated clog-shaped Crocs go with practically everything, adding, "Givenchy and Tory Burch are coming out with Croc versions including a strappy sandal and a chunky high-heel. There's no longer any reason not to be wearing them - other than stylistic racism." Made of recycled PVC pipe and dyed frog skin, Crocs are environmentally sustainable, according to Caputo, and would help contribute to a national purpose. "Imagine a nation wearing Crocs? Imagine Donald Trump and Joy Behar and the Navy Seals all wearing the same fun, inexpensive footwear? That is why I became Footwear Czar. That is why I dream." (Photo: earthskyknitter.wordpress.com)

'Cove' Documents Dolphin Motels

TAIJI, JAPAN - A new documentary on the slaughter of dolphins captured hidden footage of sinister dolphin motels. 'The Cove' followed a team of environmental activists to the town of Taiji where they obtained footage of a garishly-lit underwater structure. Heavily made-up female dolphins lounged near the entrance under a sign that read, 'Come in and rest your flippers, big boy.' Dolphins eagerly crowded the door, swimming in but never swimming out. Later, when the traps were full, they were hauled onto land and dynamited. "This is wrong," said activist Karl Mandolon. "The U.N. forbids using sexual traps to capture most aquatic mammals. For some reason, narwhal traps are permitted." Japanese interviewed in the film claimed dolphins flocked to the cove at Taiji for the express purpose of eating Japanese fisherman. "Every year, three, four fisherman, get eat up by dolphin," said Taiji Mayor Hiro Takamura. "We find hats floating on water. Everyone upset." The film concluded with a plea to allow dolphins to discover themselves sexually without human interference. "Dolphins are no different than activists," said Mandolon. "They smile, love the water, and make high-pitched sounds of unknown meaning." (Photo: treehugger.com)