Wednesday, August 3, 2011

EPA To Regulate 'Um' and 'You Know'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced standards on use of the words 'um' and 'you know,' citing a need to combat word pollution. While still awaiting review from the Office of Management and Budget, the new regulation would require states to reduce 'um/you know' usage by .08% per trillion words spoken by 2014. "How do you even compute something like that?" asked Harvard English professor Martin Perikop. "I mean, who cares? All I know is that teenagers will be hardest hit." EPA spokesmen Dana Withering dismissed Perikop's comments as 'uninformed.' Said Withering, "These words are being spewed out at an unsustainable pace without any common sense regulations."

Withering felt the public and media could help the agency by putting aside 'nit picking' and adopting a simple change in attitude. "When the EPA issues regulations it's best if everyone simply presumes our actions are being done to save children, the elderly and those most at risk. In addition, it should be presumed our actions will save large amounts of money." Withering wouldn't answer any questions on whether EPA was engaged in bureaucratic empire building. "So what if we're asking for a larger budget and more staff to enforce this ruling? We would've grown bigger anyway and regulated something else. Haven't got a smart answer for that, do you?"

Withering stated the EPA has its sights set on more that language. "Breathable oxygen is currently unregulated. Uninformed people—air hogs—are huffing and puffing along without federal guidelines. We hope to implement common sense regulations by 2013. Anyone who disagrees wants to steal air from old people and hide their medicine." Image: Virtual Commissioning

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